March 15
I have not slept tonight. I realize no matter how long I try to deny it, the only way one would control Caesar would be if he were killed. This knowledge disturbs me greatly as I have no wish for my friend to die. I also have no wish for him to be dictator or monarch. I am torn. Also, Cassius and his followers have been urging me to help them kill Caesar, which does not help my dilemma in any way. They have come to my home and written as well, wanting me to not only kill Caesar, but help kill his followers as well. I am lost as to what I shell do though I fear I may end up betraying my friend. Portia worries over me, fearing I will make myself sick, both mentally and physically. Well she need not worry much, for I already am sick in the head to contemplate killing a friend and if my body were sick I would not be able to rise tomorrow and leave for Senate. Ah, if wishes could come true.