Padme
Padme stared at Han in horror. "You're going to marry my daughter?! You must be joking!"
"Nope." Han grinned crookedly. "Leia really loves me."
"But you're a … a …" Padme stuttered, frantically trying to think of a polite word for what he was.
"A scoundrel?" Han answered for her. "And she loves scoundrels."
"Why don't you tell her the rest of your illegal occupations?" Vader suggested, his red lightsaber still lit and humming. He waved it menacingly in Solo's direction. "Or are you frightened?"
"Hey! Watch where you're pointing that thing!" Han complained as the tip of the lightsaber eased closer to his arm. "I just cleaned this shirt a few weeks ago and I don't want burn marks on it!"
Padme's mouth dropped open in shock. "A few weeks ago?! When was the last time you changed your clothing?"
Han rolled his eyes. "I just told you, a few weeks ago! And maybe if you weren't wearing a big basket on your head you'd be able to hear better!"
"Ah!" Padme's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open even more. This man was incredibly rude and crude! She wanted to slap him in the face but that might cause a political incident, so she managed to restrain herself for the moment. "This isn't a basket! It's an incredibly expensive hair accessory!"
"Well, I'm sorry but it looks like a basket! How the heck am I supposed to know what they're called?" Han exclaimed. This woman acted just like Leia, getting into a huff about some stupid little thing. A hair accessory of all things! How stupid!
"May I dare ask how you laundered that shirt?" Padme asked, fearful of what the self-claimed scoundrel would say.
"Hey! What is this? An interrogation?" Han narrowed his eyes at Padme, but as soon as he the red tip of the lightsaber danced closer again. The smuggler whirled around to face Vader. "Put that thing away before someone gets hurt!"
"I won't hurt you very much, Solo." Vader promised, a hint of anticipation in his voice. "Just a few little slices…"
Han wiggled his finger at Vader and tried his famous crooked smile that had always worked before. He had found out the thing with the Sith Lord was to show him you weren't afraid of him. "Remember about Leia! She'll hate you if you kill me. How many times to I have to keep reminding you?"
"Oh, but I'm not planning on killing you, Solo."
"Than…" Han's heart skipped a few beats. He didn't like the tone of Vader's voice. It sounded to him like the guy was up to something and that something was no doubt Dark Side stuff. "What are you going to do?"
"Neuter you." Vader stated, the point of his saber dropping lower.
"Yikes!" Han leaped backward several feet and scrambled to get away from the lightsaber. He glared at Vader angrily. "That isn't funny!"
"I'm quite serious, General Solo." Vader moved closer to Solo again, the lightsaber held out before him. "The idea of you producing offspring staggers the mind, so I will relieve you of that worry."
"Great! This is just great. He doesn't want to kill you anymore, just neuter you! What a big improvement." Han twisted his neck this way and that, searching for an object he could hide behind. Spotting an empty hospital bed, he yanked it between him and Vader. "Some grandfather you'll be, teaching the kids Dark Side stuff. But we really need to work on your people skills."
"Cooperate, Solo. It'll go so much better for you." Vader inched closer, the long red blade still held out in front of him.
"A-hem!" Padme interrupted, touching Vader on his arm.
"What?" Vader asked his wife.
"I want to question him while you got him cornered!" Padme explained to Vader as she moved closer to the empty bed. The man called Solo was now securely trapped. A wall was right in back of him and Vader stood in front with his lightsaber. "I want to find out what kind of man our daughter is in love with! How will I ever learn if you neuter him right away? He'll probably pass out from the pain."
"But Padme, You don't understand…" Vader started to say, but his wife cut him off.
"Oh, he's not going anywhere!" Padme waved a hand in dismissal. "Where is going to go, right through the wall? I don't think so."
"I resent this!" Han complained loudly, his brain clicking. He was sure there was a way out of this situation if only he could figure out what it was. When Vader had been by himself he had done OK controlling the guy, but now that this basket women was around things were going wrong. The two were sticking together like glue and ganging up against him.
"Now tell me how you laundered that shirt!" Padme demanded to know, hands on her hips.
"Why? Don't you know how?" Han asked stupidly, his mouth drooping open a bit.
"Of course I do!" Padme's hands tightened into fists. "The point is whether YOU know how!"
"Of course I know how!" Han replied, feeling insulted by her statement. "Everyone knows how! You wait until it starts raining, go toss the shirt on a bush and throw some soap on it! By the time the rains over your shirt's all clean!"
Padme shrieked and clamped a hand over her mouth in utter revulsion, her eyes bugged out.
"What?" Han asked, a stupid expression on his face. "You rather wash your clothes in the ponds, with all those little icky things swimming around in there? I asked Chewie once what they were and he replied they were insect larvae. After that, I always used bushes."
Padme's face turned deathly white and she was forced to cling to Vader's arm so she wouldn't faint.
"Say, you don't look so good. You feeling all right?" Han asked, unaware his statements were to blame for her poor condition.
The Senator from Naboo forced herself to her feet. She had never been weak before and now was no time to start. But she had never faced anyone like General Solo before and his statements were surprising to say the least. She swallowed, forcing her stomach back down where it belonged. Determined to let nothing bother her, she thought up another question to ask.
"Anakin mentioned you had illegal occupations. What exactly IS your occupation?"
"I'm a General in the Rebel Alliance." Han explained. "And I do a few other things on the side. Like smuggling…"
"He is also a conman and a space pirate." Vader informed her. "The Empire has confiscated illegal cargo off his ship many times. I also suspect he runs guns."
"Cargo? Oh heck!" Han bonked himself on the forehead with a fist.
"Now what?" Vader asked, knowing it most likely meant more trouble for him.
"I forgot to install the new coil and I bet Chewie forgot, too. By now all my cargo must have melted!" Han groaned loudly, imagining the huge mess that would be waiting for him on the Falcon. But if it were still contained in the cargo bay and hadn't leaked out under the blast doors…mmmm…he could open that little outer hatch and let it all drain outside! He would still have to clean the cargo bay out. Wait! What was he thinking? Why, he could just let it dry up by itself and then he wouldn't have to bother with paint!
"I dread to ask what you're thinking, Solo." Vader said as he tried to scan the Rebel's mind. But Solo's mind was so cluttered with nonsense that it only gave Vader a pounding headache. Vader lifted his empty hand and slowly waved it in front of the smuggler's face. "You will not marry my daughter."
"Huh?"
"Look at me, Solo." Vader ordered him. Then the Sith Lord waved his hand again, repeating his words. "You will not marry my daughter."
"You trying some of that old man's foolish mumbo-jumbo on me?" Han laughed, and then lifted his hand. He mimicked the Sith Lord's hand movement. "You will not neuter me but give me a million credits instead."
"What are you doing?" Vader demanded angrily. "You don't even have the Force!"
"Force smorce! There isn't such a thing! It's all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo!" Han glared angrily back at Vader. "And you better not try to neuter me!"
Vader lifted his lightsaber, but Padme gripped his arm.
"I'm not done questioning him yet!" She exclaimed, amazed at how easily things kept getting off track. She turned to face the smuggler yet again. "Where do you live?"
"What? You mean right now?" Han asked, wanting to be sure he understood the question.
"Yes, right now!" Padme rolled her brown eyes. The man was incredibly dense! How in the world someone like him managed to survive as a smuggler was beyond her. Unless it was all an act he was putting on to infuriate her?
"I'm living with Pops." Han replied.
Pops? What kind of moron would be named Pops? "And who is this Pops?"
"He is." Han pointed a finger at Vader.
"I told you not to call me that!" Vader reminded Solo.
"So you're living with my husband?" Padme shouldn't have been surprised, but she was. "And where did you live before that?"
"On my spaceship, the Millennium Falcon." Han could see where this particular question was going. She wanted to know how rich he was, how many houses he owned and stuff like that. Yes sir, that's what she was interested in. "Hey, I got plenty of money! I just don't have too much right now."
"How do you intend to support a wife?" Padme asked, serious. She didn't want her only daughter to marry a poor space bum and live in a busted ship-park somewhere. Of course, if Leia really loved this man and was determined to marry him, what could she do? But she definitely needed to speak to her daughter soon, before she got too involved with General Solo. He didn't even know how to launder a shirt properly!
"Well, I…" Han scanned the room, his eyes settling on a figure he hadn't noticed before. The man looked familiar, if a tad bit younger perhaps. But then, he was obviously a master of disguises now, wasn't he? Could it be throwing the pink goop had actually worked? The customary grin spread across his face and he pointed a finger in the man's direction. "That man owes me money! He hired me to transport him and the kid and two droids to a planet, but he only paid me half!"
Padme turned to where Han was pointing. "Obi-Wan?"
"Yeah, him!" Han agreed as he watched the Jedi talk to Luke and Shmi.
"Obi-Wan, come over here!" Padme called.
The Jedi eyed his former apprentice nervously but did as Padme requested. Excusing himself to the others, he made his way to the corner of the room where Solo was trapped. "Yes, My Lady?"
"You owe me money!" Han accused as he tried to jam a finger into the Jedi's chest. "And no more of your tricks!"
"What tricks?" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "I haven't played any tricks on you, Jedi mind tricks or any other kind."
"You made yourself invisible so you wouldn't have to pay me!" Han crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at the Jedi. "But that pink goop did the trick!"
"Is that what you think?" Obi-Wan snickered. Catching Vader's silent glare, he wisely stopped. "I assure you I wasn't invisible. I was dead."
"Yeah, right! And I was raised by a tribe of Ewoks!" Han wasn't going to let the old man trick him again. No, this time he was going to get paid in full!
Padme stared at Han. "Were you raised by a tribe of Ewoks?"
"No! Of course not! I'm not THAT crazy, you know!" Han shouted, and then muttered something under his breath.
"What did you say? I didn't catch that." Padme leaned closer to hear what he had said.
"I said it was a tribe of Wookies that raised me! OK?" The smuggler finally admitted. "You happy now?"
"Well, that explains your poor hygiene." Padme wrinkled her nose slightly. Then she sneezed loudly. What in the world had caused her to sneeze like that? Embarrassed, she wiped at her nose with her hand and wished she had a tissue.
Han dug into his pocket and pulled out an odd grayish piece of something that was creased by a zillion wrinkles. As it came out of his pocket, clumps of long brownish hair, assorted fuzz, bits of what appeared to be soil and even a few dried up leaves fell to the floor. The rag, if that's what it was, had assorted stains on its surface, each one a slightly different color. A round glob, red in color, clung to one location while a small twig had apparently become jammed through the material somehow. He held the rag out to Padme. "Here."
The Senator stared horrified at it. The thing was disgusting and the filthiest piece of material she had ever seen!
Han blinked in confusion when she didn't take the offered rag. "Oh!"
The smuggler started to shake the rag vigorously, the long bits of brown Wookie fur flying up into the air. The piece of hardened red gum finally let go and bonked Vader on his pink helmet, making a sound like a big gong. After bouncing off his helmet, it landed in the nest of Padme's hair inside the basket-like hair accessory. Tearing the twig off, Han gave the hankie a few more shakes for good measure and again held it out to the Senator.
"AH-Aaaaah-Aaaaaaaah-CHOO!" Padme sneezed again, this time spraying Vader.
"Here! Take it!" Han tried to shove the hankie at Padme but she didn't want any part of it.
Padme's eyes were burning and she could feel another sneeze building up inside. What in the galaxy was wrong with her? The rag had looked terrible, yes, but why all the sneezes? She waved at the annoying fur floating in the air, trying to get it away from herself. Then it hit her. The fur! That's what was making her sneeze! She sneezed violently, spraying a very startled Obi-Wan in the face. Yanking the Jedi robe off Obi-Wan, she threw it over his head and raced towards the exit sneezing all the way. On the way out, she stepped on Qui-Gon and Mace, both of whom had given up trying to free themselves and were now patiently waiting to be rescued.
"I do believe she's allergic to Wookie fur." Obi-Wan commented as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his tunic.
"Solo, I'm going to get you now!" Vader waved his lightsaber menacingly, but Han was already disappearing into a vent high up on the wall. Only his boots were sticking out and then they, too, were gone.
Vader sighed, then ordered fifty stormtroopers to clean up the grease outside Sickbay, then ordered one hundred stormtroopers to help pick up the first fifty and get them cleaned up. Mace and Qui-Gon were finally rescued and brought into Sickbay, where they were treated for high heel shoe marks on their foreheads. Then Vader finally went to his personal quarters aboard Executor and tried to remove the hideous pink armor. After much swearing in Huttese, the Sith Lord finally got it removed. The pink medicine had dried up around the various parts of his armor and he had to use the Force to get it off himself. He showered, dried himself off and put on a clean set of armor.
It was good to be back in black!
To be continued….