To Live To Suffer

Torment

It took one more push of the alarm button, and another minute later for Hank to hear. His heavy footsteps, usually quite soundless, thudded along the corridor and into the infirmary. He gave a questioning look at Kitty as he approached the bed, and she turned her gaze purposefully to Kurt. Hank noticed immediately Kurt had moved position, and a second later two small slits of pale, white eyes revealed themselves as Kurt glanced weakly at the 'doctor'. The boy did nothing except close them again. There was a sad expression among the pain on his face.

Hank felt his heart tug for the elf. He must be going through a tough time at this point.

"Kurt," Hank said, very relieved to see him awake. The larger mutant moved to the head of the bed and bent down to examine his patient. He gently cupped the boy's chin in his huge hands to gain his attention, receiving another pale-eyed look. "How are you feeling?" He asked seriously. He knew of the pain, but there could be something else Hank did not know about.

Kurt didn't respond. He looked exhausted, and he showed no signs of wanting to speak. He gazed forlornly into the other's face, before turning his eyes away and staring distantly at nothing.

Hank glanced at Kitty who looked back sadly, and then returned his eyes. The older mutant fixed his stare on Kurt's, mentally noting the unclear surface of them; how the lights seemed to reflect so dimly on them, instead of from within as they usually did.

"Kurt, look at me," he said softly, injecting a touch of firmness. The boy's eyebrows seem to crease more, and he shut his eyes as if that was the last thing he wanted to do. Hank gave the hand that was holding Kurt's chin the smallest of nudges. "Kurt, listen. Whatever you went through, you're going to get over it. Okay? We're all here for you, but we need you to help us understand." Kurt tried weakly to pull his chin from Hank's grasp, and the older mutant let go. He stared down as Kurt continued to avoid his eyes. "You tell us when you're ready, Kurt," Hank said softly. "We're here for you."

Hank felt he had always had a special bond with the resident elf, being that they were both blue and furry, and misunderstood. He was right in assuming he had, Kurt had taken a lot less time feeling comfortable around Hank when he had arrived than anyone else. Both knew how it felt to be different, both still sometimes felt different from the other mutants. And they both could talk to each other a bit easier about certain things that they would otherwise feel embarrassed about. Hank knew Kurt very well in the time he had been at the Institute, and he knew a lot of the things that could upset Kurt. But nothing as to what could upset him this much.

Hank's expression took on a stronger form of sadness as he watched tears run from Kurt's closed eyes. The younger mutant was very quietly sobbing, trying to bite back the cries. Whatever he was thinking was upsetting him tremendously. Hank reached over with a large hand and gently, wiped away the tears with his thumb. Kurt continued to cry.

Kitty cautiously moved closer, peering with her sorrowful, round eyes at Hank, who returned her expression. The girl sat down on the bed and rested a hand on Kurt's shoulder.

"Kurt," she spoke softly. "Please don't cry."

He either ignored her, or couldn't do as she wished. Tears continued to fall.

Professor X announced to everyone a few hours later that Kurt had woken, and was physically on his way to mending. The students were glad to hear, and most could relax; but there was still the air of curiousness around the Institute. The new recruits were bold enough to ask if Kurt had told someone yet what had happened to him. The answer: no.

"It'll take a while, Bobby," Scott told the younger mutant, walking with him into the kitchen from the briefing room. "Kurt's been through something we probably can't imagine . . . I doubt he'd want to talk about it for a long time . . ."

"Scott," a calming, strong voice grabbed his attention from behind. Scott stopped as Bobby walked ahead and turned to the Professor. Charles' took his hand off the control panel of his wheelchair and the machine stopped motion. "I heard you had no success in your search for clues."

Scott let out a weary sigh and shook his head. "No," he said. "But maybe we were looking too early, I mean, if someone was going to boast about their ... actions ... could it have spread so soon after?"

"Maybe not," Professor X answered. "I suppose they would have retreated for the night to catch up on the energy they wasted, and if they were to brag of what they have done, word would spread late the next day." It was guesswork, but the Professor was good at that.

Scott nodded, the corner of a nostril pulled up slightly in sickening disgust, and his eyebrows pinched together in silent fury. If what the Professor said was correct, then their best chance of hearing anything would be tomorrow, Scott decided. It would give plenty of time for something to pass around. In the meantime, he would remain in or around the infirmary.

On his way there, he considered whether he would find anything that could help trace an attacker where Kurt was found, in the woods. It was possible something might have fallen to the floor. Maybe, Scott thought. Doesn't hurt to look.

He walked around the corridor to face the infirmary door and slowed down, staring through the outside glass. Hank had finally left after remaining in there well after Kurt had woken, and now only Rogue sat at the bedside. He could hear her voice, unclear, but speaking softly to heradoptive brother. Scott stopped, not wanting to interrupt whatever she might be saying to him. He drifted about outside the room for a few minutes before he heard Rogue's voice fade. He looked through the glass. Rogue was unmoving, her head still turned down to the bed. Scott found it a good time to walk in.

"Hey," he said in a soft tone as he entered the room, making his presence known.

Rogue looked up, her green eyes catching his from behind a strand of white hair. "Hey," she replied, and turned back to the bed.

Scott walked around the bed to seat himself on the chair opposite Rogue. He looked down at the conscious blue mutant, who seemed to want nothing more right now than to be anywhere other than there.

"Hey Kurt," he spoke gently. Scott hadn't managed to see Kurt since he had woken, and had only heard of how terrible the younger had seemed. Now he could see for himself how miserable Kurt looked. He neither looked at Scott nor acknowledged him. Rogue stared down at her brother sadly. Scott rested an arm on the bed. "Hank tells us you could be outta here in a few days," Scott tried. Again, no response. But to be truthful, Hank mentioned a week at the minimum after what Kurt had been through.

"Kurt, say somethin'," Rogue begged quietly, watching his face for any change in expression. Scott did too, and noticed how different his eyes looked. There seemed to be no life behind them. Rogue gave an audible breath and sat back in her chair. Then she stood. "Ah'll be back," she told both the boys, and walked silently out of the room.

Scott watched her leave, and his eyes blinked back to the blue mutant. A hundred things that wanted to be said were running through his mind, but none where anything he'd ask so soon after Kurt's return to consciousness. He wanted to hug the elf for being alive, but he knew it would be a few days at the least until the pain of Kurt's injuries lessened enough for physical contact.

Scott realized he was chewing his lower lip while he was lost in his decision of what to say to the younger mutant. He stopped his action and watched the rise and fall of the sheets that were pulled up to Kurt's chest.

Finally Scott spoke. "Everyone's worried for you, buddy," he said, trying to sound as casual and as kind as he could. His tone came out more quiet than he intended. "We're all pretty much mystified . . ." He paused. "I . . .I don't want to see the Kurt we know like this. I don't ever. I blame myself for not looking out for my teammates. If anything happens to you guys, I hold myself responsible . . . I see you as a little brother, Kurt. I'm suffering because you're suffering . . ." Scott's eyes had drifted to the floor in the time he spoke. He let the seconds tick by before he said more. "We know you're strong, Kurt." He sounded certain. "We just gotta give you time."

Fresh tears threatened to fall from Kurt's closed eyes, but he found some strength to hold them back. How he hated crying, but he had felt the need to so often in his life. A small part of him knew he should be fighting more to return to his normal self, to dismiss his attacking as a misunderstanding. But a much larger part of him was so torn, so distraught, he could not think of anything but the pain of which he had and was enduring. Pain both physical and mental. It was hard to listen to his friends. But with great difficultly, Kurt tried to take in Scott's words. He tried to fit them back in the sentences they came out as, and then understand them. Scott was truly concerned for him? It seemed too hard at that minute to understand why a normal person would be. Beneath the suffering, he felt some gratitude, as he always had when his friends had stood by him.

Movement to Kurt's right caught his attention and he watched through heavy-lidded eyes as Scott rose to his feet.

"I'll see y' later, Kurt," the older boy said, and began to move away.

"Vait . . ." whispered the weak voice of the fanged mutant.

Scott stopped and turned. That pair of white eyes moved to him as Kurt's head fell slowly onto its side in the pillow groove to face him.

"Don't go . . ."

Scott started at him for a second and then nodded; glad he had asked him to stay. The red shades flashed as Scott stepped back to his chair and lowered himself into it again. He watched Kurt's face as his eyes closed again, and his throat worked to swallow.

"Do you remember . . ." Kurt started to ask, so quietly and heavily accented that Scott had to lean forward. " . . . vhen you vere treated . . . normal?"

Behind the reflection of Kurt in his shades, Scott's eyes blinked, and his brow furrowed ever so slightly. He thought about the question, and flashes of memories appeared in his mind of before he had discovered his power, when he was an orphan. He never thought he was normal, never believed he had a normal life because of his tragic past. But he had been treated the same as all the other orphans, and only now, looking back on those days, did he realized how different he was looked upon by humans.

"Yeah," he replied slowly and unsurely, in a whisper barely louder than Kurt's.

Kurt opened his eyes and looked at Scott. "Vhat does it feel like . . . vhen people aarn't afraid of you?"

Unsure how to answer, Scott sat back, slouching his shoulders and wondering why Kurt was asking.

"I - I guess . . . I guess I never really knew what it felt like, until people feared me," Scott replied, frowning. "But, the feeling wasn't anything different, you were just without the constant stare." Of course there was more to it, much more. What Scott wouldn't give to be treated normal again. But how selfish that sounded when he was sat with someone who had never in his life known what it felt like.

Kurt closed his eyes, and for a few seconds it seemed like he was trying to image how it would feel like to be treated normal, without the aid of a holowatch.

Scott took that time to imagine how it would be to be treated like someone demonic in appearance. Truthfully, if he had seen Kurt for the first time in different circumstances, he would have been afraid too, possibly even viol -

Scott shook himself forcefully.

Finally, Kurt opened his eyes again, but they were not aimed in Scott's direction. "How did you find me?" He asked quietly.

This was something Scott could answer properly. The older teen leant back on the bed and fixed his gaze on Kurt.

"Jean found you," he said softly.

There was a change in Kurt's expression. He seemed to sigh silently, and closed his eyes, as though Scott had given him some bad news.

Scott frowned, but he continued. "She felt your pain, and was able to locate you in the woods." He let the silence take over for a few seconds. "We were all so worried . . ."

Kurt's features seemed to be in strain. He was trying his best to keep from crying, but his mouth parted, revealing his gritted fangs, showing Scott the effort he was using to keep control.

"I zhought I vas going to die . . ." Kurt managed to say.

Scott stared. I did too.

He reached over and placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder. This only caused Kurt to look away. His body shook with not sobs, but shivers. Scott bit his lip in worry again.

"I should have . . ." Kurt whispered.

Finding something to say at last, Scott raised his eyes from his hand on Kurt's shoulder to the pointed-eared face. "But you didn't," he said. "You didn't, you weren't meant to." He didn't like Kurt's last words. "You shouldn't have died because there are people here who can and did rescue you, so don't you ever say that again . . ." He stopped speaking, breathing as though he had run a small distance. He stared at his younger 'brother'. Kurt did nothing, and Scott moved closer still. "Kurt," he said quietly. "I don't know what I'm trying to understand here, but whatever you went through, you're not alone, you know that." Asking Kurt what had happened was on the tip of his tongue, but he held it back. He wasn't going to ask. If and when Kurt wanted to say something about it, Scott might not be the one he tells. "We've all been through something difficult, so we can understand anything you tell us, just don't forget we're here, okay?"

Kurt said and did nothing.

AN: Thanks for reading, I'm sure a bit of action will be showing soon...

TheDudeLordOfFantasy: Flawless is too kind a word for my stories, lol. I go back so often to edit stuff I'm surprised people don't think of it as another fic. Thanks too much.

Badger Luver: Yeah - Kurt is lovely, nice words, ;) thank you for the comment, all appreciated.

Xbecbebex: I'm glad it is sad, I've never been good at getting the right mood to a story. Thanks tho ;)

TD85: Hank was probably trying to get drunk, lol, explains his absence. Thanks ya, I hope you update your fic soon, Fuzzy Adventure ;)

DemonRogue13: Thanks, I guess some might say it was too drawn out, and others say it wasn't. But there shouldn't be much more boring stuff in the next chapters... hopefully.

Pointyearsrule: Yeah thanks, I gotta thank y'all individually ain't I ;) and reviews do put a smile on my face.

Snitter: You don't know how glad I am to hear someone saying Professor X's parts are gud. The poor guy doesn't get a lot of spotlight, maybe because people find him a boring character to write. But I had ta add him, even if people find his parts uninteresting. It's not Evo without X, lol. I think Logan shud be showing some time soon ;) Thank yee

Lleen24: Thanks, guess I'm not a great writer then, heh. I like stopping chapter suddenly. Buta... usually I update a bit quicker. So, my bad about that.

CarolJ: Heh, yeah I didn't know what the hell I was doing with this first when I started, and that was stupid of me. But I got a good story ahead set out for it. Thanks ;)

ManniElf18: Well if you liked Kurt waking in the last chapter I hope this one was alright. The other Kurt fic is, um, actually based off a dream, but it's mostly about Mystique and Kurt. It's not finished, but I'll post it as soon as I get a gud couple of chapters dun.

Amused4ever: Argh, the grammer, thanks for saying, I'll go back over the story and correct stuff. I can't leave something that cud be better left, drives me mad, lol. I've been busy, but I'll check your story for you, as I sed I wud. Sorry I left it late.

Smileydudet: Thanks very much, I'm happy word gets around about my stories ;)