To Live To Suffer

Questions

"Hey,"

Scott looked up from Kurt's closed eyes, startled slightly. He stared into the face of Jean, who was standing before the bed, the entrance into the infirmary behind. Her long, red hair framed her concerned face, shining under the dim lights.

"Hey, Jean," Scott replied, watching as she seated herself opposite him in the chair on Kurt's left. She glanced at him with a brief smile before turning her gaze back to Kurt's face. Jean, like Scott, hadn't had chance to see the elf before now since he had woken. Compassion and grief was written over her face, and Scott couldn't look at anyone else's suffering. The older teen decided he should leave. "I'm gonna grab a drink," Scott said, standing up and brining Jean's attention with him. "Can I get you anything?"

Jean smiled with a shake of her head. "No, thanks Scott," she said, and her eyes followed his direction as he left the room. Silence returned after he had, and Kurt's eyes opened barely to glance once around the room. They closed as Jean looked back at him.

"How are you, Kurt?" She asked softly, leaning her arms carefully on the bed in case the slightly movement on the mattress might cause Kurt discomfort.

To say she was the telepath, Kurt could have predicted her question easily. For a simple sentence that was usually so often answered, he couldn't think of anything to reply with. Nothing that wouldn't make her feel all the more pity for him, anyway. He chose not to answer.

The lack of response wasn't something likely to come from Kurt, which tugged at Jean's sympathy. But she didn't really expect an answer, he had probably been asked the question by everyone else and was fed up with it.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" She asked, wondering whether he had been given anything to eat or drink yet. She was no doctor, so she didn't know when a person could eat after a serious accident such as this. She had been told what to do when she, Storm and Hank were patching Kurt up.

His pale eyes opened and looked away from her. "No," he answered quietly. His voice was stronger now, but the effort to raise it was still difficult. He would have asked her to take the pain away, but he knew no one could do that.

Memories suddenly flashed in Jean's mind, playing before her open eyes. Memories that weren't hers. She blinked, trying to rid herself of them, and turned her eyes back to her friend. Questions she wanted to ask followed the images, and she opened her mouth to speak, but closed it almost straight away. She couldn't ask Kurt what had happened to him, she just couldn't. He would have to tell her or the others in his own time. But . . . she hadn't come down here to ask him small things and to be a nuisance.

"When . . . when I found you," Jean started, forming her next words twice before adding sound to them, "I saw, I – I mean, I felt your pain . . . so I know what you're going through, Kurt." Her hand moved, hesitated, and the reached down to grasp his three fingered one.

Kurt's eyes blinked, still aimed away from her. "You saw . . . everyzhing?" It wasn't actually a question. He knew.

Jean nodded slowly, as though too fast a nod would upset him. He wasn't looking at her, but his elf ears could pick up the movement of her hair being pulled against her back, and the cascading strands over her shoulder draping on the bed. His eyes closed, and the same expression of bad news he had worn in front of Scott only minutes ago was back.

"I'm sorry," Jean whispered, watching his face. More flashes of images that weren't hers invaded her mind. They were random, and they had been popping into her head ever since she found Kurt. They were what popped into his head every day.

This was one of the worst things Kurt feared since arriving at Xavier's Institute and discovering mind-reading mutants. He was scared that they would enter his mind accidentally, and find out about his horrifying past – one which he didn't ever want to go back to, nor let anyone else. But Jean, as a student, had shown control over her powers, and there was no questioning Professor X's. He had begun to feel safe around them instead of frightened . . . but then to save his life Jean had read his mind, and his fear returned. His past, what he wanted locked away, was reopened.

Jean squeezed his hand while the quiet of the room settled around them. Kurt seemed to want nothing more than to disappear.

"Jean – please don't tell anyvon –"he began quite suddenly and a little desperately, turning his head to her as he spoke. New aches and pains seared about his limbs and injures as he moved.

"I won't," Jean assured him, knowing he was about to ask her before he actually did. "I won't." She lifted her hand that held his, and wrapped her other one around it, smiling. "I promise," she said softly, staring deep into his eyes. He reached over with his free hand and placed it on hers, the IV drip taped into the back rested over him from the stand. The corner of his mouth tried to pull up into a smile, but Jean could see he was struggling to hold back his tears. Tears of gratitude. Her promise made a lot to him.

She held his hands for a few seconds before she slipped one of hers from under his and moved it to his forehead, using her fingertip to softly pull back a few strands of blue hair to lay with the rest of his bang.

"You should get some rest," she spoke in a soft tone, laying his hands back down. He looked tired, and she knew he would be, having woken an hour ago after a serious accident.

Kurt blinked sleepily, aware of Jean's hand now resting gently against the side of his head. His body felt warm from exhaustion, and his eyelids, he noticed now, we hard to keep open.

"You von't leave . . . vill you?" He asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper. He wanted company now. Suddenly, he didn't want to be left alone.

Jean smiled, tilting her head. "No," she answered. "I'll stay right here."

Her words only just made it through Kurt's ears before his eyes, already half open, closed completely. His expression relaxed into something so innocent Jean's smile faded in surprise, and his breathing slowed down. She continued to stare at his face. He seemed to be so peaceful now, as though he was unaware of his injuries and everything else. He looked more like a broken angel, than the demon he was always first thought to be.

"Can I come in?"

This time it was Jean who was startled. She twisted in her seat to find Scott stood within the doorway, holding two purple mugs.

"Yeah," Jean answered as she turned back around.

Scott walked in and held out a mug to her. She took it, and the sweet smell of chocolate rose to her nose. She cupped it in her hands, letting the warmth of the mug heat her palms.

Scott had perched himself on the edge of the bed, half standing half sitting, "How's he doing?" He asked, holding his mug much the same way as Jean.

She wanted to say fine, mostly because she had gotten a different response from Kurt than anyone else. But thinking about the reason why wasn't anything good, so she said with a sigh, "Pretty much the same."

Scott let a second or two pass before he changed the topic. "It seems Logan had a bit more luck with the search than me and Evan," he said, staring down at his cup as Jean looked up at him. "He told Professor X it –"

"– was like followin' bread crumbs," Logan finished from the doorway in his rough voice. Both the teens spun around to look at him, and Logan allowed a smile to play on his lips as he walked further into the room. "Bread crumbs that don't end," he added.

"But you found something?" Jean asked.

"A few mentions of a fight with a demon," Logan answered. "I musta interrogated half the teenage population, and no one knew who started the rumor." The muscular man looked between Jean and Scott at Kurt. "How's the elf?"

Having already answered the question, Jean allowed herself to slouch slightly in her chair and say, "The same."

Logan watched the blue mutant sleep for a few seconds before looking at Jean. "How's about you use that brain of yours t' find our attacker?"

"I can't," Jean said at once.

"Look, the Professor won't give a damn if it's helping out somethin' like this," Logan began, his voice rough but soft.

"No, I mean . . ." Jean interrupted, and lowered her head. "I promised I'd stay here . . ."

Logan understood. He nodded once, and watched the redhead turn her gaze to Kurt's unconscious form. Scott followed her stare, his shades flashed as his head turned.

"What about after the promise?" Logan asked, turning his eyes to the bed as well. "You think people who did this –" he indicated Kurt " – deserve the privacy you and Charles think everyone should be entitled to?" He let his words linger as hers and Scott's eyes continued to remain on the face of their unconscious friend.

"Alright," Jean spoke finally, in a quiet voice. She hadn't actually disagreed with Logan's idea in the first place.

Logan put a hand on her shoulder, turned, and walked out of the infirmary.

"What exactly did Logan hear?" Evan asked curiously, as he stood up after a roll, coming to stand beside the team leader. "About the attackers?"

Scott let a crimson beam of light explode from his visor to destroy an advancing mechanical arm. The Danger room session has been running for only a few minutes.

"Nothing," Scott answered, turning his visor towards another approaching threat. Once it was blown out of Kitty and Rogue's way, he looked at Evan. "That's just it. He didn't hear anything about the attackers. He only followed the odd conversation with 'demon' in them." Scott began running to their destination across the huge room with Evan at his heel.

"So, basically – " Evan began as he took a dive over a flash of metal that tried to take his feet from under him "– we're still clueless? We don't know anything new about –"

"Watch out, Evan!" Kitty called as she leapt to him, grabbing his arm and phasing him through a blaster shot that would have stung like hell had it hit him. A meter away, Scott was spinning on the spot, blowing up a wave of attacking orbs that were cannoned at him. He lengthened his optic blasts to hit the swarm aiming for Rogue a few yards away, who dodged the ones that didn't shatter. The few that survived shot for Jean, and flew apart after colliding with her metal shield.

"So where did the fire come from?" Evan spoke again, stood straight and ready for more attacks.

"What fire?" Kitty asked, standing with him, feet parted in a good, strong stance.

Evan bunched his right fist, and a bony spike protruded through his skin. He fired it at a small mechanical 'mouse' that was heading towards him. The purpose of these was to trip the students up, which meant they would beinjured, and be in the other mutant's care. Evan's spike nailed it just off center, and it exploded. He rubbed his arm instinctively. It stung faintly to have bones shooting from the skin.

"Where Jean found Kurt," he answered Kitty, back to back with her now. "Scott told us where he was and mentioned fire."

The sound of Scott's optic blasts split the air not a meter from his ear, slicing a hovering orb in two.

"There were small flames burning here and there," the team leader told them as he stepped nearer, looking elsewhere, hand ready next to his visor. He straightened and paused for a second to think about the source of the fire. "But I don't know where they came from . . . maybe Kurt's attackers were trying to frighten him with it . . ." His defensive position was lose now as his mind wandered, his hand left his temple. "Kurt never did seem to like fire . . ."

"No," Kitty spoke, almost solemnly. "He told me he didn't." She pulled back her focus in time to put her powers into Go, and a speeding silver orb flew right through her.

Jean stood away from them next to Rogue, listening whilethey evadeda series of attacks. Kurt's memories flashed though her mind once more. The fire that seemed to cloud his entire vision burned behind her eyes. She could still feel his fear of being consumed by it. Rogue rolled to her feet and frowned at the other's lack of concentration.

"Kurt did suffer from minor burns," Jean spoke before should could hold her tongue, bringing her shielding power to block a paintball that would have 'killed' her. "Along his back. I think those people who attacked him tried to burn him . . ."

Kitty's eyes shimmered with renewed pain, while Evan stared and shook his head disgustedly. Scott kept his gaze on his redheaded friend, as Rogue's watched the back of Jean's head and glanced at Scott, the session momentarily forgotten. Then,as though a button labled 'play' was pushed, everyone returned to animation and their session continued.

Professor X observed from the control room, half focusing on his students below. His mind was drifting unintentionally to the time yesterday when Kurt had woken up, still worried for him. With a little effort, he shook away his thoughts for now.

The door behind him opened, and in walked Storm, white hair flowing behind her, cape flapping with her steps.

"How is he?" Professor X asked without turning around as the woman stopped by his side and stared down into Sunday's first session.

"He's fine," she informed him. "A little stronger today. Hank is keeping him company, and trying to get him to eat." Storm turned her head very slightly in the Professor direction, her eyes taken off the action briefly. "I've never known Kurt to refuse food before."

"I predict we'll be seeing a lot of the Kurt we don't know," Charles spoke after a second.

An hour passed and the session ended. The thick, heavy steel doors into the Danger Room opened and out walked the team, uniforms ruffled or smoking.

"I got dibs on the shower," Evan mumbled tiredly, dragging his feet as they walked down the corridor to the elevator. "Man, I'm so used to hearing Kurt beat me to it . . ."

No one replied, but they glanced in his direction. Rogue hit the button that would take them up after everyone filed in the elevator, and the doors closed, rising to the levels above.

"Kurt, just take a spoonful," Hank tried again in his soft voice, only to be met with the same refusal since the morning. Kurt had no appetite. The older blue mutant sighed and let his hand drop onto the bed, the spoon clinking against the bowl edge.

"Is he even allowed to eat?" Rogue asked as she walked in the infirmary with Scott. They stopped and stood beside the beast of a man.

Hank sat back with his eyes on Kurt, who avoided them. "Well, technically he can't eat anything. Nothing solid. But I liquefied some nutritious foods that his system can breakdown easily." Hank said. "Trouble is just getting it in his system. He won't take anything." Hank propped the bowl upright on the bed so it wouldn't fall over, and stood up. His eyes continued to stare down on the younger boy with a soft frown. "And if he doesn't, I'll have to feed it through an IV."

"We'll try, Mr. McCoy," Scott said quietly, placing a hand on the bigger mutant's shoulder blade. Hank left silently.

"Hey, Kurt," Rogue greeted carefully, seating herself on his right side.

"Man, Kurt," Scott started as he lowered into the chair opposite, "you're lucky you're missing these Danger Room sessions." He tried to lighten the mood, but he failed, because he himself was still trapped in the painful atmosphere of Kurt's accident.

Rogue was tempted to say how much Scott liked the Danger Room training, and how they were somewhat toned down because of the unfortunate incident, but she bit her tongue and tried to smile for his effort.

Kurt merely blinked, his eyes aimed downwards at the sheets a few inches from his pillow. There was an unbearable headache throbbing in the base of his skull that seemed to increase with every word spoken to him. An uncomfortable noise came from his throat, exhaled through his nose. It was barely audible, but his frown spoke the message better. Rogue heard and understood.

"Mr. McCoy couldn't give y' any more painkillers," Rogue told him, "it would 'a knocked y' out."

"I vould . . . prefer zhat," Kurt breathed, his eyes glancing about before resting on Rogue's. He blinked away after a second.

Rogue hesitated. "It'll go," she said softly. "Tha pain will go away soon."

Kurt didn't seem convinced, but nor did he seem anything except distant and sore. His wounds were beginning to start their healing now his body was a little stronger, but they throbbed anew. They would sting every now and then, just suddenly searing with pain for second. He still couldn't feel his tail at all. It was as if it wasn't there.

The silence that had kept its promise by hanging around lately, settled down once again around the three mutants. It felt like a chocking, invisible mist, clogging their throats andobstructing words. Scott suddenly remembered the bowl in front on him, nestled in the bed covers.

"Think you can eat this for us?" Scott asked, picking up the bowl in one hand, and taking the full spoon out of the soupy mixture with the other.

Kurt gave the dish a careless glance. It made him feel sick to think about eating, and he couldn't recall the taste he once had for everything edible. He felt full just thinking about the contents of the bowl. Kurt shook his head.

It was actually quite sad to see Kurt refuse a meal; even a small one at that. His love for food was something no one believed would falter. He sometimes ate more that Scott, Jean, Rogue and Kitty put together in a day – minus Evan of course, he liked to help himself generously, too, (when there was something left after one of Kurt's kitchen raids).

"Well, we ain't leavin' 'til y' finished that bowl," Rogue said, rather less kindly and more of a definite promise.

"I'm not hungry," Kurt said in a small voice.

"Yes you are," Scott told him. "If you want to recover then you have to eat, Kurt. Now please, just take some." He held the spoon close enough for Kurt to take into his mouth, but the elf moved his head away. Scott sighed inaudibly. "Kurt –" he began, but Rogue shot him a glance that suggested she should try. Scott closed his mouth, looked down at the bowl and then stretched it over Kurt's body to Rogue's hands. He then stood and announced he was going to look for Jean, and left. He left only because he knew if Kurt were going to eat, he wouldn't have done it in front of an audience. Scott would have felt the same.

Rogue held the bowl in her lap, balanced it assuring, and bent forward to rest her arms on the bed, and lay her chin on her hands. Her face was inches from Kurt's.

"Kurt," she said, lowering her voice, "if y' don't recover from this, from whatever happened, y'll be affecting as all . . . Just because we haven't got y' injuries, doesn't mean we haven't got y' pain. Ah can't stand t' see y' like this, Kurt," she said, softly now, her voice a gentle murmur to Kurt's sensitive ears. "An' ah'm sure y've heard this from the others, so hear it from me. Ah want y' t' get better, y' hear? Ah don't know why y' don't wanna recover, but whatever y' thinking, stop."

Somehow, hearing it from Rogue, and in tones he hadn't really heard her use, it sounded a lot more serious. Kurt felt the control he had managed to gain, slip rapidly, and the familiar prickling feeling behind his eyes joined his discomfort. Tears fell, and before he could stop himself, words that wanted to be said so badly started to fall out.

"Zhey vanted to kill me," Kurt gasped through his weakly restrained sobs. "Zhey vere going to kill me, Rogue." He twisted his body so he could lie on his side and properly bury his head in the pillow. The pain increased triple the amount, and this made his tears flow more.

Rogue was instantly torn at the sight. She placed a hand on the side of his face, smudging the tears with her thumb. She was afraid to hug him in case she touched his bare skin with hers.

"They don't know, Kurt," she whispered, a slight break in her voice where her own control slipped. Tears would be falling if she weren't such a strong girl. "They don't understand . . ."

"Zhey zhought I vas a demon," he breathed shakily, darkened lines of fur patterned his face where salty tears had run. More were retracing the paths. "Zhey zhought I vas evil –" his sentences were broken by short gasps of air. "Because of vhat I did . . ."

Rogue's eyes, narrowing in effort to keep the tears back, flickered back to his face, her expression loosening in surprise.

"What did you do?" She whispered, staring at him now.

But he shook his head in the pillow. "I don't vant to – don't make me – please don't make me say," he begged in breathes, as though he thought she was about to grab him by the shoulders and shake him violently until he answered her. His chest, painful to a point where he could have fainted, shook with his cries.

"Sshh, ah won't," Rogue soothed him quickly, adopting a calmer voice, horrified how he had seemed so afraid of her just a second ago. She rubbed his cheek with her hand. "Y' don't have t' tell me, Kurt. No one is gonna force y' t' do anythin' here."

He swallowed and then gasped for needed air, trying to quiet himself down. Rogue watched silently, patiently waiting as his tears slowed down, and he stopped his hiccupping sobs. A minute was all it took, and Kurt was gently taking in small, short breathes to help calm his shaking body. Tears had stopped, and he looked exhausted.

Rogue gently moved him into his first position on his back. He was so tired he was practically limp in her hands. She sorted his hair and neatened it about his head, then pulled his covers up again. She felt the bowl on her lap again, and remembered what Scott had promised Hank.

"Can y' eat just a little bit?" She asked softly, leaning over him almost. His tired eyes blinked and he shook his head. "Please, Kurt . . . please," she tried.

Finally, closing his eyes, he said in no more than a whisper, "okay."

Rogue gave him a grateful, gentle smile, and lifted the bowl onto the bed. She dipped the spoon in the liquefied food and carried it steadily to his mouth. He hesitated, feeling sick, but reluctantly opened his mouth a small way, revealing the points of his fangs, and let Rogue tip the watery stuff into his mouth. Kurt choked, almost spitting it back out as sickness washed over him. But he managed to swallow his mouthful and the sickness disappeared. Having something in his stomach finally, he realized how empty and cold it was. He took the second spoon a little easier, but his appetite just wasn't there. He managed just five spoonfuls before he refused the rest. Rogue was just glad he had eaten something.

She placed the bowl down on the bed and smiled at her little brother. "Thank you," she said, managing the full sentence in her western accent. Rogue brought a gloved hand to her lips and kissed the fingertips. Then she reached down and gently placed them on Kurt's forehead. "Sleep well," she added, as his eyelids closed and his mind fell into slumber. She continued to watch well after he was asleep.

AN: I worked on this chapter every night, and yet it still took ages to upload... what's with time and passing quickly? Anyway, hope you enjoyed, 'cause I did, heh.

TheDudeLordOfFantasy: Heh, thanks for the enthusiasm comments. You always make me smile

ManniElf18: Thank you very much

ToiletDuck85: Lol, a mute Kurt wud be no fun, how could he expression his suffering.. must have serious suffering, evil laugh

Snitter: Thanks, I always liked the interaction between Scott and Kurt in the cartoon, even if there wasn't as much as I wanted, so I gotta have some more later ;)

Carol J: Yeah he will eventually get over it, thank you

Denielle: Thanks, I will do ;)