To Live To Suffer
Hope
It was a clear, peaceful night. The sky was a calming dark blue, speckled with stars that twinkled like tiny jewels. The trees on the institute grounds were black shadows, merged together by their leaves, though they were anything but scary from behind the window of the kitchen.
Kurt stared out at the night from his seat on the bay window; his favorite place to watch the moon, which was currently hidden behind a passing cloud. He shifted his position to ease the pain on his injuries, and blinked his glowing eyes; glad the institute was empty.
Empty save for a few.
The door to the kitchen opened silently, and the figure walked over to him.
"Kurt . . . y' shouldn't be outta bed," Rogue said softly, stopping right behind him, stood in her usual gothic attire; the moonlight shining on her black miniskirt. She glanced at his bandaged injuries;certain they had not healed enough for Kurt to be moving about. It had been six days since Kurt's attack, and his wounds were still fresh. Moving around wasn't good for him. "Mr. McCoy won't be happy . . ."
Kurt said nothing for a few seconds, after which he sighed quietly through his nose and looked down from the sky to the windowpane.
"I couldn't stay in zuh infirmary . . ." he spoke quietly without looking at her.
Rogue watched him. Yesterday she discovered that he had sneaked out of the infirmary for the first time to sit at the kitchen's bay window and watch the full moon. She hadn't understood why he would move out of the medical bay when he was obviously still in a lot of pain and still weak. But Kurt could never stay in one place too long, or indeed stay in bed for too long, and so maybe the old Kurt was beginning to show. She hoped. He still wasn't talking much, and he seemed worryingly distant. She could tell it hurt for him to even breath with the huge wound on his chest, which had, unfortunately, caught infection. Another good reason for him to remain within the sterile walls of the infirmary.
And still, everyone was mystified at his attack. He had spoken nothing of it, no one had asked, and none of the tracking mutants had found much. It was becoming unbearable within the Institute walls to still be in the dark six days later.
Rogue lifted her heavily made-up eyes from Kurt to the now visible moon. It was a beautiful night.
"Why do y' like t' watch the sky?" She whispered curiously.
Kurt remained motionless, seeming to have not heard her. But his eyes moved over the endless void above, glancing at the big and little stars.
"It's zuh von zhing zhat can't be changed . . . can't be ruined," he answered in an equally quiet voice. " . . . alvays stays beautiful . . ."
They both stared out at the sky, watching the twinkling stars and the bright quarter moon. Rogue took her eyes away from the sight when Kurt bowed his head and tried to stifle a yawn. He was tired. He was always exhausted when it passed eight O'clock now; his body was not strong enough to conserve energy for an entire day.
Kurt grimaced and unintentionally let out a quiet whine. His chest was searing with new pain. His hand lifted to it, but he did not rest it on his wound.
Rogue lifted a gloved hand and placed it gently on his shoulder blade, careful of his injuries. He was only wearing a pair of light-colored pants and a loose, sleeveless white shirt, and she could see the dressings underneath. His clothing had to be baggy so they wouldn't catch his wounds. He flinched slightly by her touch.
"You should get t' bed," she said gently, watching the only eye she could see blink sleepily. He was beginning to tired quickly.
"I think that is a good idea," came the gruff, soft voice of Logan. Rogue started, turning to see him stood right beside her. Kurt looked up, his brows knitting together guiltily. He'd be caught. Logan fixed him with a stare. "What do ya think you're doing outta bed, elf?" His voice, if possible, took on a gentler tone.
Kurt pulled some effort into trying to turn himself around a bit, but decided the action was too painful and remained in his position.
"I couldn't sleep," he started in a weary voice, his white eyes begging for his little night tour to be kept secret.
Logan stared at him, disapproval written on his roughish features. Rogue glanced from one to the other silently.
"You can't much heal out here, either," Logan told him firmly, perhaps a little too harshly.
"I'm fine . . ." Kurt whispered, his face held an expression he never usually uses. He was sad, almost teary eyed, miserable, and half asleep.
Logan's eyes flickered to the gauze bandage on Kurt's forehead. Blood was soaking through it slowly as they spoke. Since he was upright, Kurt's system was running faster, and the blood had seeped past the stitches. It should have healed fairly well by now, but Kurt had managed to rip the stitches apart by accident a few days ago and so it was back to square one for his forehead.
Kurt noticed his gaze and lowered his eyes sadly. Unable to hold them open any more, he closed them, doing his best to remain conscious.
"Yeah," Logan said in a voice that almost equaled Kurt's whisper. "You look it."
"I . . . don't von't to go back to zuh infirmary," Kurt breathed, forcing his tired eyes open. His head was hanging without him realizing, bangs falling in front of his eyes. His body was warm with exhaustion, and his eyelids weighted too much for him to keep them open. He felt something start to run slowly down his forehead
Logan moved over to the counter and tore off a piece of tissue from the box sat there. He returned to Kurt with a scowl on his face and handed the tissue to Rogue as he moved forward and gently picked the boy up, unable to avoid his injuries. Kurt groaned in weak protest like a child, but was too tired to do anything. His limp tail was caught between the backs of his knees and Logan's hands to keep it out the way. Scars still lined the appendage, but it suffered no permanent damage.
"'Fraid you have to, elf," Logan told him quietly, turning around to Rogue. She glanced at him and then lifted the tissue to Kurt's forehead and dabbed the blood away before it could reach Kurt' eye; he was almost asleep.
Logan turned when she had finished and made his way with careful footfalls out of the kitchen. Rogue stared after them with the tissue, alone in the moonlit room, stood by the bay window.
As Rogue later guessed the next morning, Mr. McCoy was not pleased to hear Kurt had made a trip to the kitchen last night. She was also right in knowing the beast of a man would take precautions, as he had told the Professor that when no one was in the room with Kurt, he would have to inject a light sedative into the mutant to assure he won't move again.
It also seemed that Kurt's forehead wound wasn't the only one that had bled. Hank had to check all his injuries, and change the ones that had seeped blood. He ended up changing most dressings, and even had to re-stitch a loose thread. He hasn't happy, and neither was Kurt after the extra pain he had to endure.
"I didn't think he'd be able to walk," Scott said distantly, sat at the dinner table the next day eating breakfast. Hank had informed the Professor and the X men that Kurt had taken a trip to the kitchen last night.
"Neither did I," Hank said from across the table, a worried expression on his face. Kurt was his patient and therefore his responsibility, and Hank wasn't going to let Kurt risk any more damage to his wounds. "That and the previous night were the only times I hadn't given Kurt anything to help him sleep." He skewered a sausage on a fork and held it to his eye level, staring at it as he said, "I'll have to sedate him at night times . . . just so he won't put any pressure on those injuries." Hank sighed at his food, still having not eaten it. "He doesn't understand how serious they are . . ."
"You should have told Mr. McCoy the first time Kurt left his bed, Rogue," the Professor said in his gentle but firm tone, as he used his knife to cut into his breakfast. Logan, on Xavier's left, fixed a stare on her too, looking over his newspaper.
Rogue lowered her eyes from Professor X to her plate, sorry for Kurt, and angry with herself for not having told anyone. What if Logan hadn't found out and Kurt had continued night after night to leave the infirmary? The strain and pull on his injuries would have worsened their condition, and it was probable that some might never have recovered properly.
Charles watched her avoid his eyes and turned them to Hank. "I think I'd like someone to stay with Kurt through the nights," he said. "Until he has recovered from his ordeal and until it is safe to leave him."
Hank nodded. "It may make him feel calmer to know someone's there with him. I've gathered so far from my time with Kurt that he feels very insecure when he's under sedation."
"Especially after what had happened," Ororo added, sat across the table from Logan, on Xavier's right. "He will not be feeling safe in one of the places he dislikes most."
Xavier made an agreeing sound. "Yes, which is why I'd like Jean to stay with him tonight."
Seated next to Ororo, the red head lifted her face upon hearing her name. She had only barely been listening to the conversation, but now her full attention was on Xavier.
"If you don't mind," the Professor added with a warm smile. He knew about her nightmares. The nightmares that didn't belong to her. Perhaps it might help her also if she were closer to Kurt.
Jean stared at him for a second as though completely lost, and then seemed to remember what he had asked and nodded. "I'll stay with him tonight."
Perhaps it was jealousy of Jean, or thatRogue felt she should be the one to stay with Kurt,for Rogue lifted her greens eyes and gave Jean a stare.
A minute later, everyone except Logan and Xavier had finished their breakfasts, and helped Ororo take their plates and cups to the kitchen, before leaving to find the rest of the students for a Danger Room session. Hank made his way to the infirmary asXavier and Logan remained eating as Ororo reappeared to take the platters away.
Logan ruffled the newspaper he was reading and folded it up. He pushed his plate forward with the paper and stood.
"I'm off t' Bayville hospital," he informed Xavier in his gruff voice, about to turn and leave. Ororo picked up his plate.
"Why the hospital?" Xavier asked curiously, holding his fork halfway to his mouth.
Logan stopped and leaned forward. He placed his hand on the newspaper and spun it around in front of the Professor for him to see clearly.
"I found a lead," he answered. Turning, he walked out the door and disappeared as Ororo looked over Xavier's shoulder at the small article that caught both their attention.
"Evan, he's not awake, leave him and let's get going," Scott sighed at the younger boy, standing in the infirmary door with Jean and Kitty. All were dressed in their X-Men uniforms.
Evan looked back at his friends with his usual smile missing. He sighed and traipsed over to the door from where he had been stood next to Kurt's bed. The blue mutant was still sound asleep, oblivious to everything around him.
"I don't understand why he still hasn't told us anything," Evan said, his tone sounding down and concerned. "It's been a week . . ."
"He's not ready, Evan," Kitty said softly, one hand gripping the other arm loosely, waiting for her teammate. But deep down she was worried too. A week, and not a word from Kurt about his attack. He seemed more and more distant, and he hardly spoke. Kitty was upset that something could ever affect her best friend like this.
Someone walked briskly behind them all from the corridor outside, and the students turned to see Logan approaching. He glanced at them all before fixing his eyes on Evan and Scott.
"Get dressed," he ordered. "You're coming with me."
As he turned away, Scott and Evan glanced at each other while the rest watched them, puzzled.
"Okay girls, I think that's a session gone well," Hank announced with his usual good-natured tone, as he walked ape-like from the Danger Room. In the control room Storm deactivated the controls and disappeared from view as she took the elevator down.
Kitty followed the blue mutant with her hair smoking and a rather grumpy expression on her face. Rogue and Jean were right behind, brushing themselves off.
"Notice how much easier it was with just as girls," Kitty said, her cheery tones absent but her light joke still retaining its humor. She tilted her head so she could see her hair properly and put out the potential fire hazard on her ponytail.
"Yeah, but Hank didn't go any easier on us," Jean smiled at Kitty's hair. Her smile slowly faded as they walked back to their wing of the mansion to change. Thoughts returned to her, but those she could deal with later, she had plenty of free time today. Saturday.
As they grumbled or thought aloud about things on their minds, a level below them in the infirmary Storm entered still in her uniform, with her cape flowing behind her.
"Any word from Logan?" Was the first thing she asked Xavier as she came to a halt a few feet from his wheelchair.
Xavier smiled negatively. "No, not yet. If there's something to hear, we will hear it, Ororo." He turned from her to look at Kurt. Xavier had offered to watch over the fuzzy elf as Hank took some time out of the infirmary for a good exercise in the Danger Room. The beast of a man wasn't sure when Kurt would wake, and the professor wanted to spend some time with the boy anyway.
Ororo moved over to him, her eyes joining his gaze down at Kurt. "Did you find anything?" She asked quietly. Her white hair fell over her shoulders as she looked over at Charles.
"No," he answered after a second. "I had thought Kurt would be able to tell me something in his sleep . . . but heis obviously still under the influence of the sedative Hank gave him last night." That was one of the reasons Xavier had wanted to stay with Kurt. Ororo had picked up on that. "People can be more willing to tell others of something when they know they're alone in a place they feel comfortable . . ."
Ororo put a hand on his shoulder. "He will tell us, Charles . . . Kurt trusts us . . . he just needs to find himself again."
Professor X smiled and laid his hand over hers as he continued to watch his blue student sleep soundlessly.
"You know, Ororo," he started in a soft voice, "I never thought Kurt would settle in here . . . I believed he would be too scared and too out-of-place to want to. But I tried. I tried because I knew I would feel guilty if I hadn't . . . even though I was certain he was going to refuse . . ." he paused, leaving the room in silence for a few seconds. "I was surprised he stayed. It gave me hope." Ororo looked at him and he continued, his eyes remaining on Kurt. "If one unique and misunderstood person could find a place with others like himself, and learn to trust them when trust had been given to no one, then people can change, and maybe they can learn too."
Ororo watched him, and turned her head back to look down at Kurt.
"I see them all as my own children, Ororo," he continued in his gentle voice, a hint of seriousness in his tone. "To see one of them like this . . . to be recovering, yet at the same time not recovering . . . is painful . . ."
Ororo blinked slowly, her features expressionless. "I understand, Charles," she spoke quietly.
Xavier's brow furrowed slightly in a frown, his gaze now a stare, focused on Kurt's closed eyes. "Is it wrong to think that if this was another student, the situation would not be so grave?"
Her own eyes were unblinking as Ororo thought about Xavier's question. He did not often ask these, but when he did, Ororo was almost always the one to hear them, and to answer them.
"No," she answered in a whisper, her expression the same. "It isn't." Seconds passed before she said, "Scott could walk down a street and be ignored. He'd reach the end unharmed . . . Kurt could walk down a street … and he wouldn't reach the end . . . No one can ignore Kurt . . ."
She didn't need to explain the gist of her example, Xavier understood. He understood that if any other student were beaten up, it would be because of a situation they either made or got into. Kurt's reason was not so easy to avoid.
"It is . . ." Ororo continued, "unfortunate that any attack on our students should happen. But it is also sad that it should happen to Kurt, because of what he is."
Xavier blinked, his focus moving down to the drip in Kurt's hand, delivering him fluids that he would have otherwise lost rapidly over night.
"Yes," he whispered.
Changed from their uniforms and into their civvies, Jean, Rogue and Kitty walked over to the library to hopefully start and finish their homework. It was a little easier to concentrate on it since they knew Kurt was definitely going to heal properly, so that when they finishedthey could spend the remainder of the day with their fuzzy, bluefriend. However, what little conversation they hadit wasn't about homework.
"Is that homework?" Jean asked, leaning nearer to Kitty to look at the paper in front of her.
Kitty shook her head while replying, "no." She continued coloring the paper and then said, "it's a 'get well' card for Kurt. I figured since he seems to be well enough to move, he's obviously recovering pretty well, and… well . . . I didn't dare make one before because . . ."
Jean smiled understandingly. "We were all a bit scared then," she said kindly. "But deep down we knew he was going to make it."
Rogue glanced from her work, sat on Kitty's other side on the end of the table, and gave Jean a stare. We're not all psychics, she thought acidly. In truth, Rogue had been scared that Kurt wouldn't survive that first night. She had nightmares that Hank had failed to save him, and he had died. Looking back at her paper, Rogue continued with her assignment.
The library was silent once more and Jean moved back to her own papers. The sound of pen and coloring crayons scratching over paper were the loudest noises, until Kitty decided to break the silence.
"Where do you think Logan has taken Scott and Evan?" She asked the other two, pausing her coloring and staring at the table as though thinking about her own question.
Jean shook her head slightly, a clueless expression on her features. "I don't know . . . perhaps he wants to try searching again."
"Or maybe he's found somethin'," Rogue suggested.
"Why wouldn't he have told us?" Jean questioned her assumption, frowning.
Rogue looked at her and gave a small shrug. She turned back down to her homework.
Jean watched her and then sat back, turning her eyes to her paper, but focusing on nothing. "It all seems the answer we're looking for is trying to be kept hidden," she said a little distantly.
"It seems stupid t' me t' look for it when Kurt won't even say," Rogue muttered. "Maybe Kurt doesn't want us t' help him, doesn't want us t' find out."
"Of course he does," Jean said, frowning at Rogue. "He needs us to help him – "
"Then why hasn't he said anything!" Rogue demanded, on her feet with her palms on the table, fixing her eyes on Jean's. Her frustration was finally showing,
"Rogue, he needs time," Jean told her, a little surprised by her outburst.
"It's been – a week," Rogue said, a glare on her features.
"He can't relive it just yet, it's too painful for him!" Jean shouted as she stood up, unable to control herself. She was angry at Rogue's impatience. "Would you like to go through a traumatizing experience for the third time in your life and be expected to talk about it so soon after? Wouldn't you like to heal first before you're reminded of the reason you received those injuries?" Her voice lowered to a quiet tone. "You begin to question your trust in people when things like that happen . . . even if its your best friend," she glanced at Kitty, " or your own sister, however related," she looked back at Rogue. "He's confused, he doesn't know what to do, whether to tell us or not. We're not the only ones without answers . . . " she breathed a little unsteadily, eyes fixed on Rogue's. "Which is why we need to help him trust us again. By being patient and being there for him, he'll be himself again, soon . . ."
Kitty was looking at the redhead, sadness written in her face. She glanced at Rogue, who was returning Jean's stare. Silence was again the main occupant of the room.
Rogue's eyes lowered from Jeans to the space behind her, and then moved again to another place. An unreadable frown was creasing her brow, and she stood straight, turned and walked out of the room without a word.
Jean stared at the door for a couple of seconds before letting out a breath and sinking back into her seat, a hand reaching up to run over her face. She knew Rogue was concerned for Kurt, she knew that was the reason for her outburst. She knew she shouldn't have shouted at her, either.
"Ah, Rogue, could you stay here while I get something to eat?" Hank said quickly as Rogue entered the infirmary. Before she'd even answered Hank was at the doorway, and interpreted her silence to mean yes. "Thanks," he said, rushing out. Rogue turned briefly to watch him disappear into the corridor, and turned back to the room. She looked over to the bed. Kurt was awake and trying to sit up. She moved over to him and seated herself on the chair.
He stopped moving and looked past his bangs, which were falling over his face, at her. Kurt turned his eyes away and continued his effort to try and get comfortable. It wasn't working. He ceased the futile attempt and lowered his head, sighing through his nose quietly.
Rogue tilted her head slightly as his hair fell over and blocked her view of his face. She reached out and used her gloved index finger to pull back his nearest lock of indigo hair. "Hey," she greeted softly, smiling weakly at him. She tucked his hair behind his pointed ear and lowered her hand. "Are you okay?"
His half-open eyes glanced in her directly, but didn't meet her own. He didn't answer.
Rogue exhaled and lowered her shoulders sadly. "Ah'm sorry," she said quietly. Kurt didn't look at her, he stared at his bed sheet. Rogue let her eyes drift downward, and rested on the bandage around Kurt's hand where the fluids IV was inserted during his forced sleep. Her heart tugged in sympathy for him. "You'll be outta here soon," she said, lifting her hand and taking his fingers in it, squeezing them gently while avoiding his bandaged hand.
They sat in silence for half a minute, listening to the sounds of the Institute and the machines in the infirmary. Rogue felt a question on the tip of her tongue wanting to be answered, but she just couldn't voice it out. Looking at him, Kurt looked so miserable he didn't seem as though he was even going to talk to her, let alone answer something he's been keeping quiet for a week.
Do you trust me? Rogue asked him in her mind, watching him. Of course, he didn't hear her, and didn't even turn away from her gaze even though he could feel it.
It seemed like an hour went by before silence was interrupted again.
"Vhen you first saw me . . ." Kurt said quietly, still looking down, " . . . vhat vere your first feelings?"
Rogue frowned slightly at him. She didn't answer straight away. "Ah guess . . ah was surprised," she said softly, thinking back to when she first saw Kurt, in hisblue form.
"You vere scared . . ." he answered for her.
Rogue tried to open her mouth to deny that, but she couldn't lie to him. She watched him sadly. "Ah was scared," she admitted. "But not just because of you . . . because of what ah found out ah could do." She paused, looking down at the bed sheets, and then lifted her gaze to his and smiled. "Ah could speak German for a time. That surprised me."
Her smiled grew a tad as his own lips curled into one. A few strands of his hair fell back over his eyes, but this time he moved them back.
"Do you ever miss Germany?" Rogue asked quietly.
Kurt blinked, his lips parted slightly, thinking. A small trace of a frown was at his brow, and he didn't speak for seconds.
"Sometimes," he answered softly, staring at the white sheets. He turned her eyes to her, and his head followed slowly. "Do you? Miss home?"
The smiled that had momentarily gone, returned. "This is mah home. No one lies t' me and keeps things from me that ah should have tha right t' know . . . and ah feel ah belong . . ."
Kurt watched her like a quiet infant who had been told something secret. His gaze drifted away from her face "And feel safe . . ."
"Everybody feels safe in their own home," Rogue said, leaning forward slightly.
Kurt remained silent. His gentle glowing eyes lowered to the folds in the covers of his bed.
Rogue let her own eyes wander, and they strayed to a piece of notepaper sat on the small nightstand on the other side of Kurt's bed. She reached over the elf and picked it up, finding more than one sheet.
"Hey, hows about ah find a pen and we play a little hangman?" She suggested with a rare grin.
Kurt lifted his eyes to the paper, and then upward to her own. He smiled his Kurt smile.
AN: Woo friggety hoo – I finally finished this chapter. Um, many apologizes, I didn't set myself enough memos to remind me to get my ass moving with this chap. I get things dun quickly if I get alotta prompting. Any volunteers? Lol. I always love writing this fic, so it seems stupid I leave it so late. But I haff been busy with college work, and I've started my driving lessons. (wish me luck)
And thanks follow to:
TheDudeLordOfFantasy: You're nearly always the first reviewer of my chapters, lol, I bow ta ya ;) And yeah, Kurt's healing. Thank ya
Amused4ever: Suspense is gud! How can you not like the suspense? ;p
Denielle: The attacker isn't anyone known in the show, just some made up character. Sorry to spoil that, but I didn't want anyone to be disappointed when you find out it's just some random bunch of – shutting up. Thanks, btw
TD85: Thanks for the inspirational chapter on your story ;) helped me get back to mine – credit goes to ToiletDuck everyone, lol
Manie: Nice ta hear ya like, thank you
Blue Tajiri: Thank thee ;) Can't give away any answers until later
Blue Rascal: Another Kurt angsty fan, booyah
Fuzzybluelogic: Thankus, lol
Dagaz16: I'm sorry to have kept ya waiting, least I know y'all like to read it that much. Thanks
Inu-youkai 911: Thank ya for the fav ;)