Author's Note: Sorry the last chapter was so short; I'll try to make this one longer (providing the thunderstorms stay away!)
Chapter 24: The Brain-Eating Aliens
Luke sighed loudly, wishing he could just sink into the floor and disappear. He couldn't face his parents in his underwear and besides Mara was out there! She'd see him and then he'd die of embarrassment! And what if she started laughing? It would be horrible! If that happened, he'd know he'd never be able to face her again. But could he be mistaken? Maybe he DID have his Jedi clothes on under the armor and he had just forgotten about them. That was possible with so many things going on in such a short time. It was making his brain all fuddled.
And a Jedi with a fuddled brain was a very bad thing.
"No wonder the Jedi Council forbids us to date. We're all a bunch of idiots the moment we see a pretty girl!" Knowing he couldn't put it off any longer, Luke started removing the armor. He wiggled and squirmed and shoved at it. By the time he was done, he stood shivering in the Auxiliary Control Room in his underwear. He glanced down at himself and gasped in horror. He had been sure he had been wearing the usual purple-and-pink polka dotted underwear, but he wasn't. No, it was much worse than that! "Noooooo! Why did I have to put these on today! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire ship!"
Tiny X-wings zoomed through space and shot red laser beams at the Death Star on his underwear. The super battle station had a prominent location on the rear, the only spot big enough for the weapon, while the X-wings were everywhere else.
Luke groaned and sunk to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs and shivered. How was he going to get out of this? His blue eyes landed on the fine cotton cape that was attached to the armor. Thinking he could use it to cover himself up, Luke reached for it. He held the large piece of black material up before his eyes, thinking. The Jedi knew it would still be too long and he'd be tripping over it and he didn't dare try trimming it with his lightsaber. No, his father would kill him if he did that, especially with the other things he had done today. But perhaps there was some way to adjust the material so it was shorter? He spotted the belt lying on the ground and grinned. Yes, it would do just fine!
The doors to Auxiliary Control opened and Luke stepped out. He was dressed in a black toga that left one shoulder and arm bare. The other hand and arm was lost somewhere under the material and if he wanted to use it, the entire toga would lift, exposing his bare legs and Death Star underwear. He hoped he could remember not to use that arm, but it would be extremely hard. Everyone was staring at him and he was convinced several were trying not to laugh. "I seem to have misplaced my clothes."
Mace busted out laughing and Obi-Wan chuckled.
Vader smiled under his mask. "I am just glad, Son, that you didn't cut another hole in the wall. Or the floor."
"Come on, Toga-Boy!" Mara reached forward and gripped Luke's free wrist in a tight grip and yanked him forward. "We're going on our date now and no more excuses!"
With a bewildered expression on his face, he was pulled down the hallway towards the Officer's Lounge. On the way, they passed a unit of stormtroopers marching in perfect synchronization. The troopers out in front were so shocked at Luke's odd style of dress that they forgot to watch where they were going and collided into a closed blast door. The others fell over the ones in front until there was a huge pile-up that totally blocked the hallway. Luke twisted his head around, staring at the big pile of stormtroopers. "I wonder what caused that to happen? Do you think Han was playing with grease again?"
Mara rolled her eyes and muttered the first lie that popped into her head. If he didn't know what caused the accident, she was going to break the news to him. "They're testing the blast doors."
"Really?" Luke craned his neck out farther in an attempt to see what the troopers were doing, but Mara pulled him around a corner. "Oh heck! I wanted to watch what they were going to do!"
"It's routine." Mara commented, wishing they could be in the Officer's Lounge already before Skywalker caused more havoc with Executor's crew.
A man hurried past them carrying a tray over-flowing with food. His startled eyes spotted Luke wearing the black toga and he tripped over his own two feet, the food flying through the air.
"MY LUNCH!" Luke shouted as he reached for the food with the Force, managing to catch it all. The food floated in the air and the young Jedi calmly plucked a bantha burger from the nothingness that held it and jammed it into his mouth. He closed his blue eyes, chewing. Both hands were wrapped around the sandwich and he signed in contentment. Of course, he had forgotten about not using the one arm, so his underwear was showing along with a pair of bony knees.
"Hey! You can't eat that!" The crewmember shouted as he hurried to his feet. "That's Lord Vader's lunch!"
"No, it's not. It's mine." Luke sputtered, bits of chewed bantha flying onto the crewmember. "I ordered it, remember?"
"I never saw you before in my life!" The crewmember shouted with fright. It was obvious this man was some evil wizard that had gotten onto the ship, perhaps using those magic powers. How else could food float in the air like that? It was clear the guy wasn't human at all. And the red-haired woman was clearly a witch! He had wondered why the Red Alert had been blaring a while ago and now he knew! Then his blood ran ice cold as he remembered something he had read in his roommate's magazine, something about brain eating aliens! Brain eating aliens or not, he HAD to get Lord Vader's lunch back before the space-creature ate it all! Vader would be sure to strangle him to death if he didn't. He reached for the Sand Sloth ribs that floated in the air and wrapped his fingers around the greasy, sauce-covered meat.
"Hey! Let go of my ribs!" Luke shouted as he jammed the last of the burger into his mouth. He grabbed the other end of the ribs and pulled. The crewmember pulled back, kicking at Luke's bare legs.
"These are Lord Vader's ribs, you brain-eating alien!" the crewmember cried.
Mara Jade backed out of the way and watched the two men fight, a humorous expression on her face. So far Skywalker was doing OK and didn't require any help.
The crewmember's hands slipped off the greasy ribs and he fell to the floor with a loud thud. He scrambled over onto his hands and knees, forcing himself to his feet. The barbeque sauce left a long red stain on the white floor, but the crewmember didn't notice. He hurried over to a nearby wall intercom and pressed the button. "HELP! There's a brain-eating alien here! It's eating Lord Vader's ribs! Send stormtroopers! HURRY!"
After sending the message, the crewmember fainted from horror, one hand making a loud streaking sound as it slid down the wall's surface.
Luke finished the ribs and tossed the bones onto the floor, not noticing that they landed near the red smear on the floor. Realizing his hands were dirty with sauce and not wanting to wipe them on his father's black cape, he walked over to the wall and rubbed his hands there, leaving long red smudges that looked an awful lot like blood. Next he picked up the tray and collected the gallon of blue milk, the bantha burgers and fries. Then he followed Mara into the nearby Officer's Lounge.
...
Chaos ruled on the bridge.
"There are BRAIN-EATING ALIENS on board the ship!" shouted the Commander, who was still in charge of Executor's bridge. "They're eating Lord Vader! DO SOMETHING!"
"Send out the stormtroopers!" Another bridge officer shouted.
"Lock the bridge doors so they can't eat us!" The helmsman cried in panic.
"Somebody call Sickbay and have the Doctor go out to put Vader's ribs back in his body! I'm pretty sure he has artificial ones, doesn't he?" Another crewmember offered.
"Of course he doesn't have FAKE ribs!" The Second Commander shouted, annoyed. "It's obvious it's his BRAIN that's fake! Use your own brain, man! These are BRAIN-EATING aliens! They eat BRAINS! But since he has a fake brain, they ate his ribs instead!"
"Ohhhhh, I get it now!" the crewmember nodded his head in understanding. "They wouldn't eat fake ribs!"
"Everyone shut up!" The Commander shouted and the bridge fell silent. "We can't panic or these brain-eating aliens will win! Now since Admiral Piett isn't here, that means I'm still in charge. So let's handle this logically and go by the book. Sound the Red Alert! Call Piett to the bridge! And send out the Stormtroopers to look for the Brain-Eating Aliens! And someone send the Medics to go pick up Lord Vader and take him to Sickbay!"
The Communications Officer did as the Commander said and the word went out.
...
Han opened the closet door and peered out. It had been quite for some time and he was pretty sure it was safe to come out. The smuggler peered up and down the long empty hall, not a single sole in sight. He motioned to Shmi with an arm. "Come on, it's safe to come out."
"Are you sure?" She asked, uncertain.
"Of course I am." Han reassured her. He was itching to go see what had happened to Luke, but for the moment he had to watch Vader's mother. Thing is, he really wasn't too sure what to do with her. Should he take her to Vader? Probably, but where was that Sith Lord anyway? Then again, it would be nice to have someone helping him bake those nice poison cakes.
Shmi moved out of the supply closet and joined Han in the hall. The intercom clicked a few times and she glanced up at it.
"ATTENTION! This is the Commander speaking! The ship is infested with BRAIN-EATING ALIENS! Please arm yourselves! Thank you for your attention and have a nice day! Bridge out."
"Brain-eating aliens?" Han muttered, frowning. "That's the most stupid thing I ever heard in my life! That's just an old story people like to blab about in pulp magazines!"
Shmi looked fearfully up and down the hallway, convinced some horrid monster would jump out at them any second. "Oh, what if one of those horrid things gets my poor Ani?"
"Look, Vader … I mean, Ani can take care of himself. Trust me." Han reassured her. It was the stormtroopers he was worried about. With this new scare going through the ship, the troopers would be running around in a panic. And if he was going to protect Shmi, he needed to think up some scheme. He went back to the supply closet and took a fast inventory. There was an old, torn janitor's one-piece uniform, various cleaning supplies, and lots of junk. Han grinned as a plan formed in his mind. If they were convinced there was a brain-eating alien running around, why, he'd give them one to look for! Plucking the dirty uniform off the hanger, he tossed it onto the floor.
"What are you doing?" Shmi asked as she watched him pull a big jug out of the closet.
"Creating a diversion. Stand back." Han replied as he uncorked the jug and poured the deep blue liquid onto the dirty uniform. The thick cleaning liquid oozed all over the floor, forming a big puddle. Then Han took a second smaller jug that contained some red liquid and added that to the blue stuff. The smell from the two juices was strong enough to make his eyes water, just the effect he wanted. He tossed the two empty jugs into a garbage slot on a nearby wall and closed the closet door. Gripping Shmi's hand, Han guided her down the hallway. Before long, a unit of stormtroopers met them.
"OOOOOOH, poor Charlie!" Han wailed loudly, his eyes still watering as he rushed forward at a trooper, clinging to the white armor. "Poor Charlie! It was a Brain-Eating Alien! It got him and I shot at it, but ooooohhh the horror! It has acid for blood! And when I blasted the alien, its blood went all over Charlie's body and MELTED him into some goop! Then the alien itself melted away!"
"Don't worry. We'll handle it from here." The stormtrooper told Han. "Trooper 4538650647235 will take you to safety. The rest, follow me!"
Han secretly grinned as he followed trooper 4538650647235 down the hallway, Shmi at his side. The troopers were no longer interested in them but the dangerous aliens.
...
The stormtroopers that had talked to Han discovered the spreading puddle, gray smoke rising from it. The lead trooper went to the wall intercom and called the bridge. "Trooper 7742227640293 here in Corridor 33, Section 45, Block D. Reporting one fatality due to the Brain-Eating Aliens. Maintenance Personnel, number unknown. Request Hazards team be sent to this location immediately. The Aliens have acid for blood, repeat ACID FOR BLOOD. Someone shot an alien and it's melting the floor here."
"Affirmative. Will send Hazards team on the double. Good work, 7742227640293."
...
Darth Vader heard the announcement just when he reached the blocked corridor near Auxiliary Control Room. He had decided to follow his son to the Officer's Lounge and keep an eye on him while he was on his date. The others, Obi-Wan, Padme and Mace, were following him as well. But for some unknown reason, a gaggle of stormtroopers had fallen over into a big tangled pile and he couldn't get through.
"What is the problem here?" Lord Vader demanded as he stopped near the pile of troopers.
"Help!" one of the troopers gasped from within the pile somewhere.
"I'm trapped!" Another wheezed.
"Someone hexed us!" a third cried.
Just then the intercom clicked and came to life.
"ATTENTION! This is the Commander speaking! The ship is infested with BRAIN-EATING ALIENS! Please arm yourselves! Thank you for your attention and have a nice day! Bridge out."
Vader paused, the only sound being the loud rasp of his mechanical breathing. "Now what is going on?"
The stormtroopers heard the announcement and panic swept through their cloned bodies. BRAIN-EATING ALIENS on the Executor! Trapped in a pile like this, they would be easy targets! The pile heaved and moved and slid across the floor wildly as dozens of strong hands and feet moved quickly as one. Blaster rifles appeared from the tangle of bodies, pointing outward.
Vader watched as the pile of troopers moved around the blast door and traveled down the hallway, disappearing from sight.
"That was without doubt one of the weirdest things I've ever seen." Mace commented.
"What's that announcement about Brain-Eating Aliens about?" Padme asked as she glanced up at her husband's mask.
"I intend to find out." Vader moved to the wall intercom and pressed the button, signaling the bridge. "Vader here. What is this about Brain-Eating Aliens?"
"Who is this?" A voice demanded to know angrily. "How dare you impersonate Lord Vader!"
Vader stared at the intercom. "This IS Lord Vader! Who is this?"
"Commander Bick. And you can't possibly be Lord Vader because HE got ate by a Brain-Eating Alien!"
Vader stared at the intercom again, shocked. So, someone had started a rumor that he had gotten ate by a Brain-Eating Alien. He was sure his son was involved in this mess somehow, he was just unsure how. "And who told you I was ate by one of these fictional aliens?"
"A crewmember…wait a minute! How do I know YOU'RE not the Brain-Eating Alien?"
Vader fumed. This situation was unacceptable! His ship was falling apart around him and he needed to solve the problem quickly. "Brain-Eating Aliens do not exist. They are a fable left over from thousands upon thousands of years ago from before man encountered extraterrestrial species. Mankind feared aliens would be extremely hostile and the idea that they would eat brains originally appeared in an old-fashioned 2-D holovision. You know this is false and that such creatures do not truly exist."
Obi-Wan smiled at his former Padawan, pleased that he had remembered his Ancient History lessons after all these years. Anakin had never cared much for history, finding it too boring, so Obi-Wan was proud of him. "Good going, Anakin!"
"For someone claiming these things don't exist, you sure know a lot about them." Commander Bick said over the intercom, his voice unsure. "Besides, WE know they DO exist because the stormtroopers found a big puddle of BRAIN-EATING ALIEN BLOOD eating through the floor! So there!"
The intercom clicked off as Commander Bick hung up on Vader.
Mace rubbed his chin. "I wonder what those stormtroopers really found?"
"But what if we're wrong?" Padme stated, worried. "What if such creatures really DO exist and we just didn't know? The galaxy is so big with large areas unexplored. They may even possess strange powers we know nothing of."
"I think we should go investigate this puddle." Mace fingered his lightsaber; glad he had it back from that crazy Xizor. He would have used the Force to snatch it back from the deranged man, but that wouldn't have been safe. You had to be extra careful around deranged folk, never knowing what might set them off.
"How would these creatures get onto the ship?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Let us go check on Luke." Vader started down the corridor, his black cape majestically flowing behind him. The Officer's Lounge was right ahead anyway, so it wouldn't waste any time. "Then we'll deal with this alien issue."
....
Admiral Piett stood outside the Bridge. He couldn't get inside because the blast doors were down and sealed in place. So he pressed the intercom button and spoke into it. "This is Admiral Piett. Let me in."
"No," the reply came. "You're the Brain-Eating Alien trying to trick us again!"
"There is no such thing!" Admiral Piett huffed in frustration. "Now I demand you let me in!"
"No! Go away!"
"I will inform Lord Vader of your mutiny!" Admiral Piett warned, anger in his voice. "He won't be pleased."
"He was already eaten, as you very well know!"
"This is ridiculous!" Piett grumbled as he stalked away from the locked bridge. He would go seek out Lord Vader and inform him of the problem. Hopefully he wouldn't loose his life over this weird incident, but Commander Bick certainly would.
....
Luke sat in the Officers Lounge with Mara, a table full of food before him. The intercom in the Lounge happened to be broken and maintenance hadn't gotten around to repairing it yet, so the young Jedi hadn't heard the announcement about the Brain-Eating Aliens. He swallowed more blue milk and glanced towards the door. There seemed to be an awful lot of activity out in the hallway and the young Jedi wondered why. "I wonder what's going on out there? Seems like a lot of stormtroopers are on the move."
The red-haired assassin smiled at him, a twinkle in her emerald eyes. She had a very good idea what had stirred up the troopers. "Oh, it's probably just routine drills."
Luke glanced again at the door, and then went back to his food. Except for the two of them, the Officer's Lounge was empty.
Wearing only the thin black cape, Luke felt cold. On one side, he noticed, his entire bare leg stuck out when he sat on the bench at the table. He kept trying to close the gap with his free hand, but it was little use. The thing kept popping open and he worried Mara might be offended. Then again, he also worried she might be peeping at him when he wasn't looking. Truth be told, he knew very little about her. "Are you really an assassin?"
"Are you really a Jedi?" Mara countered.
"Well, I want to be a Jedi." Luke admitted as he reached for another fry with his free hand. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed, then twisted his face in disgust. The fry tasted lousy without catsup! Spying the catsup bottle across the room, Luke used the Force to bring it to their table. He gripped it with his one hand and tried to untwist the cap. He scrunched up his face in effort, his tongue protruding a bit from between his lips and his eyes closing. The cap was as solid as if it had been glued on and refused to move.
"Having problems with your toga?" Mara asked, a smile on her red lips.
"Yeah, it's not working out as well as I hoped." Luke admitted. He needed two hands to open the bottle but if he brought his other hand up….
"Here. Allow me." Mara took the bottle away from him and easily opened it. So far she hadn't thought of a single way to get Luke to join the Dark Side. But if Palpatine wanted sheer chaos, then Skywalker was his man. She still wasn't too sure how he had started the entire Brain-Eating Alien thing. "So Skywalker, where are your clothes?"
"Umm, I'm not sure." Luke admitted, his face turning as red as the catsup he poured onto his fries. "I guess either they're in that guy's quarters or they're stuck inside my father's armor. In some places the armor was a bit tight and I guess it could have clung to my clothes when I took the armor off."
The more Luke thought about it, the surer he became that was what had happened to his clothes.
"So, are you an assassin?" Luke asked again.
"Yes, does it bother you?" Mara stared into his blue eyes. She couldn't help but notice he had the most intense eyes she had ever seen and a little shiver went down her back. She felt almost as if he could see into her mind, which was just ridiculous! Only her Master could do that. But what had that shiver been? She dropped her gaze to the tabletop for a moment as she attempted to sort things out. She had never been one for romance or such foolish things as Love At First Sight. That sort of nonsense was for fools. People only thought they loved each other, what they really felt was a physical attraction. She doubted if she were attracted to Skywalker, so what else was possible? Maybe she was coming down with something?
"Not really, I guess. But I don't believe you're really bad." Luke informed her. "You're too beautiful to be bad."
Mara raised her emerald eyes again, risking another probe of the other's blue orbs. Once again his gaze was powerful and she could feel herself becoming lost in it. She blinked and the odd sensation vanished. She noted to herself that Skywalker wasn't entirely as innocent as he looked and definitely possessed some powers. "I only do as Palpatine commands me, for the good of the Empire. It's mostly criminal scum I go after anyway. They won't be missed much."
The door opened and Vader strolled in, relieved to find his son alive and well. He approached their table and stopped before it. The Sith Lord raised one black-gloved fist, a pair of rib bones in his hand. "Luke, do you know anything about these bones or the Brain-Eating Aliens on the Executor?"
To be continued…