Conversation With Vader 31
Author's Note: I'll try to continue this crazy story. I've forgotten how funny this story is until I reread chapter 30. Han is so crazy! Oh, I'm updating it to include references from Episode 3. OK? Its still the same crazy plot though.
"Oh, I really don't feel that good…" Luke moaned as he continued to clutch his stomach. Leaning on the game table, the young Jedi pushed himself to his feet and staggered towards the open door. He would go to his father, his mother. Since he had grown up with only his Aunt and Uncle on the moisture farm, he had never been pampered while he had been sick. But now his parents could care for him while he felt so miserable. The odd burning sensation in his stomach was unlike any other upset stomach he had ever had. In fact, he could swear he felt his skin expanding slightly, as if he had just packed himself with too much food. But he had just eaten that cake…
Reaching the door, Luke staggered down the ramp and hurried as fast as he could towards the door to Vader's castle.
Meanwhile, inside the castle a very select group of people sat in a circle. Each person rested crossed-legged upon a soft cushion borrowed from nearby sofas, the large pieces of furniture rudely shoved into another room. The baldheaded black man spoke up, his voice clear and loud. "Let this Jedi Council meeting come to order! Since we haven't held a meeting in several decades, we must have lots on the agenda for today."
Yoda nodded his head, his large green ears wiggling. "Concerned for young Skywalker am I. Addicted to bad cake he is. Wants to date Jade he does. Is forbidden it is."
"Yes, that is a concern." Obi-Wan agreed. "But there are only us three Council members, plus Qui-Gon. What can we really do?"
The Jedi sat and lowered their heads. Before there used to be twelve Jedi on the Council and thousands of lesser ranking Jedi; now the entire Order had been reduced to four trained Jedi and one partly trained Farmboy. To say it was a disaster was an understatement!
Plus their meeting was being held in the home of a Sith!
"Do something we must!" Yoda insisted. "Or fall to the Dark Side he will!"
"I think the boy is too stupid to fall to the Dark Side." Mace commented as he rolled his eyes. "He may be an adult in body, but his mind is that of a five-year-old!"
A dark shadow appeared in the doorway and the three Jedi glanced up to see the towering figure of Darth Vader. The imposing Sith Lord stood there in all his black glory, bright buttons flashing on his chest. "What are you doing?"
"Go away you must!" Yoda ordered. "Holding Council meeting we are!"
"But I thought I was on the Council…" Vader reminded them in his low mechanical voice. Not that he really cared about the Jedi anymore or wanted to be on the Council. Years ago it had been what he dreamed of and desired greatly, the supreme honor of being a true Master. But they had cheated him! They had allowed him to be on the Council without bestowing the title of Master. He had taken it as an extreme insult, a joke. They had thought he was a fool. But now that the scatter-brained Council was back in session (if one could even consider three Masters sitting on borrowed sofa cushions a session) he had the opportunity to tease them back. Besides, having recently talked to that imbecile Solo had him in a foul mood and he needed to take his frustration out on someone.
"No, no, no! Not on Council any longer!" Yoda waved his green hands up in the air as he hopped off the plaid cushion and approached the Sith Apprentice. "Sith you are! You leave now and not spy on our meeting!"
"But you never actually kicked me off the Council. Therefore I'm still a member." Vader replied, a smirk hidden under his black breath mask. Sometimes being a Sith could be fun. He would infuriate the little green alien and relieve his built up Solo-induced stress at the same time. It was sheer brilliance!
"Now you listen here!" Mace jumped off his mint green cushion and hurried forward to join Yoda. "A Sith can't be on the Jedi Council! That's sheer nonsense!"
"But you never gave me a discharge form." Vader pointed out, pleased at his cleverness.
Just as Vader had predicted, the words threw Master Mace into a wild frenzy. "What, do we have to give you a stupid form? That's sheer craziness! You voluntarily left the Council when you joined Palpatine! Besides, it was Anakin Skywalker that was on the Council! You're Darth Vader!"
"But I'm still the same person…" Vader answered as he stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the baldheaded man with his fearsome mask. "I have decided that I'm still a member until you properly discharge me. Besides, this is my home you are meeting in. Need I remind you?"
"No wonder that kid of yours is such an imbecile!" Mace glowered. "Where is he anyway? He better be not with that Jade woman!"
Yes, where was Luke? Vader stretched out with the Force and soon sensed his son's presence rapidly approaching. The smirk on his face quickly faded as he realized that the boy was ill yet again. "That Solo and his poisonous cakes! I'll kill him yet!"
"Let go of your hatred you must!" Yoda wailed as he clung to the very bottom of Vader's cape. "Save you we will! Chosen One you are!"
"I never wanted to be the Chosen One." Vader replied as he spun around on his heel just in time to catch Luke. The sandy-haired boy stumbled into his arms, moaning. "Luke, are you ill?"
"Oh, I feel terrible!" Luke moaned as he clutched at his throat. The funny feeling in his stomach had built and built until the pressure was unbearable. "I … I think I'm going to throw up!"
"Not again!" Mace cried as he eyed the young man warily. "Now you listen here, son! We told you to stay away from that man's cakes! Proper Jedi don't become drug addicts!"
But Luke was far past listening to Mace's words of wisdom. Still clutching his throat, he shut his eyes tightly and opened his mouth. Then a bright plume of fire leaped out of it and headed right for Mace.
"AAAhhhhh!" Mace shrieked as he attempted to evade the cloud of fire but couldn't. His outer dark brown robe caught instantly and he wisely threw it off himself in one quick move.
"AAHHHHH! FIRE! FIRE!" Yoda yelped in a panic as he raced towards Mace's burning cloak that now lay on the floor.
Obi-Wan had been so startled that he fell off his cushion backward and now lay there with his legs kicking in the air.
A savage expression on his face, Mace started to jump up and down on the burning cloak in a lame attempt to put the fire out. This, of course, didn't work very well. His boots soon caught and the room was filled with the horrible stench of burning rubber. As the intense heat started to sink into the skin of his feet, Mace ran hobbling off in a new direction, each step lifting his feet incredibly high like a water-wading bird. "Oh, HOT! HOT! HOT!"
Yoda grabbed the lime green cushion from the floor and threw it atop the burning Jedi Robe, smothering the flames. When the fire was finally out, the little green alien sighed in relief and collapsed into a boneless heap.
Picking himself up off the floor, Obi-Wan stared wide-eyed at Luke. "How did you do that?"
"I … I don't know…" Luke admitted honestly, his blue eyes even wider than Obi-Wan's.
"That's your excuse for everything!" Mace screamed angrily as he continued to walk like a stork, hopping from one foot to the other. "You never know anything!"
"But….!" Luke stuttered, unsure what to say.
"I don't care about your butt, I want to know how you just breathed fire!" Mace insisted as he hobbled over towards the young would-be Jedi and his Sith father. "For all I know, you're developing new Sith powers!"
Luke scrunched his face up and plopped his hand over his nose. "Eewwww! Something stinks in here!"
"What kind of imbecile Jedi are you?" Mace continued. "You set my robe on fire and then complain when it stinks? Jedi are not concerned with bad smells! Jedi do their duty!"
Luke eyed Mace's still smoking boots with disgust. "Umm…"
"Yes? Now what is it?" Mace asked as he waited for an answer.
"Maybe you should wash your feet once in a while…" Luke suggested, sure the awful stink was wafting up from Windu's boots.
Before an argument could break out, Vader held up a black-gloved hand to signal silence. Turning his mask to Luke, he gazed down at the boy. He had no idea how his son could have breathed fire yet he had done so. Even Palpatine could not do that. The sight had truly disturbed him deeply, mainly because it had refreshed that awful day on that awful planet. Worst, there was the possibility that the boy was badly injured. The human mouth was not meant for fire breathing! "Son, are you all right?"
Luke paused and considered the question. The strange sensation in his stomach had faded, both the burning and pressure. "I … I guess so…"
"You did not eat Solo's cake, did you?" Vader asked as he reached out with the Force towards the boy. If Luke tried to lie to him he would know.
"No, of course not! Qui-Gon gave me a cake!"
Mace moaned loudly as he smacked himself on the head. "That's all we need! Two fire-breathing Jedi!"
Yoda and Mace exchanged a silent glance. They knew Qui-Gon had always been a rebel of sorts and often went against the Council. And now it seemed he was stirring up more trouble!
"Luke," Vader said as he put a black-gloved finger under his son's chin, lifting it so the boy could look at his mask. "I do not want you eating any more strange cakes! Is that clear?"
The boy nodded and then hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry…."
"It will be dinner soon." Vader replied. "You may then eat as much as you wish."
The Sith, of course, was determined to find out exactly what Solo had put into the cake this time to cause fire breathing. He could not let such an act go unpunished. Besides, it may prove to be a useful talent. But not for him, no, he had had enough fire to last a dozen lifetimes.
Outside, Han Solo rested on the ramp of the Falcon as he glanced over the Employment Section of the Coruscant Times. "There must be something in here that would please old Helmet Head…"
Vader had insisted that Solo find a new job if he wanted to marry his daughter, Leia. It was insane, really. Han didn't see why Vader made such a big fuss over being a smuggler when he was a Sith! Surely Sith were worst, weren't they? Still, he supposed he had better try. After reading ad after ad, one caught his eye. Some new company was moving to Coruscant and they needed someone to transport cargo. Han had never heard of this particular company but that didn't bother him at all. The job would be long-term and the pay exceedingly high. The ad also implied that the hauls were long-distance and the person needed their own vehicle. "This is perfect!"
Grinning at his good fortune, Han tore the ad from the paper and stuffed t into his pocket. Standing, he hurried into the Falcon so he could go call the number. He needed to set up an appointment. And with Vader backing him, he should be a sure thing! "Chewie! This is it! We're going to be filthy rich!"
"Groowwlll?"
"Yes, us! Look at this great job!" Han showed Chewie the ad.
"Rowwllll!"
"Who cares what the cargo is? If they're dumb enough to pay such a high price, why should I complain? It's probably due to the long distance…" Han hurried into the cockpit and punched the comm. button. After he dialed in the correct number, an old man appeared on the screen. "I'd like to apply for the job listed in the Coruscant Times, the one ferrying the cargo. I have my own ship, the Millennium Falcon. She's the fastest ship in the galaxy! Oh, the name's Solo, Captain Han Solo. Lord Vader will verify that I'm good for the job."
A cocky smile appeared on Han's face as he relaxed back in his pilot's seat and awaited the old man's reply.
A broad grin appeared on the elderly man's face. "Excellent! Please come by my new office tomorrow at nine AM and I'll give you the details then. I'm sure with Lord Vader's recommendations you'll get the job, Mr. Solo. Do you, by any chance, know anything about animals or wildlife?"
"I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other. I've seen all sorts of creatures. My co-pilot here is a Wookie. Chewie, say hello to the nice man."
"Grrrowwllll!"
The elderly man clapped his hands together with excitement. "How marvelous!"
After Han had written the man's address down, he shut the comm. off. "Well, old Helmet Head should be pleased!"
Whistling a jaunty tune, Han strolled from the Falcon and entered Vader's castle. His stomach rumbled hungrily and he hoped the Sith had something to eat. Soon a delicious smell wafted to his nostrils and a grin appeared on his face. But the grin faulted when he suddenly remembered that the two Jedi had gotten sick from his cake. Both had stumbled off in pain and had vanished into the castle. Worry started to itch at his mind and he hoped the kid was OK. "Maybe Shmi was right and I shouldn't have put that egg in there…"
"Solo!" Vader said as he appeared from a nearby doorway. "What did you put into that cake this time? I am not pleased with your behavior!"
"Look, Pops, I got a job interview tomorrow! It's what you wanted!"
Vader shook a black fist at Solo. "Do not try to change the subject! Your foul cooking has made Luke ill! He was breathing fire!"
Han rolled his eyes. "Look, Pops, I don't believe in that nonsense! First you got the hokey religion and now you expect me to believe in dragons? You're a real walking book of mythology!"
"There were dragons on Tatooine." Vader stated.
"Sure, but they didn't breath fire!" Han pointed out. "They were just large, dangerous lizards!"
"What did you put in the cake?" Vader's voice was low and harsh.
"An egg, OK? I found some speckled egg!"
Vader scowled under his mask, his fury on the rise. How dare Solo steal eggs! "You do not believe in dragons, General Solo? Then perhaps it's time you met Quartzite."
A small pink dragon materialized on Vader's right shoulder, its long tail wrapped around his neck. The creature was about two feet tall and its large expressive eyes stared at Han. Sticking its long neck outward, the creature opened its mouth wide and hissed angrily at the smuggler.
"Uh oh!" Han muttered as he suddenly realized whom the egg might have belonged to.
To be continued…
Another note: I have decided to bring Quartzite (Anakin's pet Pseudo Dragon) over from "Pranks". If you want to see how Ani met him, read Pranks chapter 30. Hope that is OK. This story is pretty crazy anyway with appearances by Doc Brown and McCoy … why not a dragon? Can you imagine the bright pink against Vader's black armor? LOL!
Quartzite is mine, by the way.