Chapter VII: Living in Despair
Zell and Seifer exited the apartment building, and the rising sun hit Zell's eyes, causing him to blink while his eyes adjusted. He heard Seifer's footsteps behind him, and he began walking down the sidewalk.
"So," Seifer started behind him. "Where exactly do you live?"
Zell held his breath. "On the east side of town...near the docks."
Seifer didn't say anything. The east end of town, especially near the docks, was ghetto central, shadowing a stark contrast against the rest of the generally bright and colorful town. It was inhabited by the poorest of the poor, reserved for those who took only the worst falls from grace, society deserting them to a life of pandering to the drug and sex trade.
The two walked on in silence, past the opening markets and people emerging from their homes into the morning air. Before long they reached the train station and moved past, the environment slowly changing from one of bright and pleasant to downtrodden slums.
As he followed behind the smaller man, Seifer watched on as Zell walked through the dinghy streets with a depressing sense of familiarity. Like it or not, this had become Zell's home; his unbearably reality. It was then Seifer realized just how small and fragile Zell seemed, like a lost little boy in a dark and confusing world, one he could never understand despite his best attempts to do just that. This world he was surrounded in was so harsh, so brutal and unforgiving, that it seemed like almost a miracle that his little body wasn't broken yet as his hopes had been.
This reality also made Seifer reflect on his own self. Would he have had the strength to live like this? Probably not, he decided. It seemed bitterly ironic that he had called Zell a wuss before, only now realizing just how much stronger Zell was than he.
He was torn from his thoughts when a dank, grungy old man approached Zell. Seifer felt his heart leap in fear as he prepared to defend Zell if necessary from an attacker.
"'Ey Christ lad," The old man said through his toothless mouth. "I'ze been looking for ye...didn't see you around last night, aye?" He finished, with a chuckle.
"Oh, I was staying at a friend's house last night.." Zell said softly, pointing at Seifer behind him. "So I wasn't working."
"Ah see...well, a bit short on change I am, whaddya think of a bit o' a freebie now?" The haggard relic of a man offered pleadingly.
Zell shook his head. "Sorry, I ain't working...and I need the money, love."
"Aw, a bit of bad luck for us both then?" The man spat out, defeated.
Zell nodded. "Yes.."
And with that, Zell walked away, and Seifer quickly followed suit, now walking alongside the shorter man.
"Who the hell was that?" Seifer asked in quiet disgust.
Zell smirked slightly. "Pierre...one of my regulars. He's one of the few nice ones out here, and he pays well...at least when he doesn't blow his money on booze."
Seifer felt his heart sink painfully. To Zell, that disgusting, inhumane slimeball as one of the "nice ones"? Had Zell really slipped so far as to see such a husk of a human being as not a disgusting street urchin, but as a gentleman?
"Here it is." Zell said, stopping at a horribly dilapidated building with boarded up windows. The building looked to have at one time been blue, but the painting had long since faded. The door opened with a creak, and Seifer followed Zell inside. They walked down the hall, and Zell stopped at the apartment with the number 18 on the door. He unlocked the door with his key, and they went inside.
The first thing Seifer noticed was the smell. It hit him like a freight train, and it took all he had to not start gagging. The smell of something, if not everything, rotting surrounded him.
"Sorry about the mess.." Zell said as he walked in, pointing at the faded and ripped sofa that had dirty clothes stacked on it. He breezed through the living room and into the kitchen, and Seifer slowly followed. The floorboards creaked uneasily beneath him, almost like an alarm that he was some strange intruder who did not belong in this environment.
And it was with yet another pang of sadness that Seifer told himself that Zell didn't belong here either. Unlike Seifer, Zell was one of the great heroes who had helped saved this entire world, and yet the planet could offer him more than this miserable little hovel for him?
Seifer looked down and immediately let out a scream as he jumped back. Two huge cockroaches were swimming around his feet, and he hopped around wildly trying to avoid them. Zell quickly turned around in shock.
"Oh! I'm sorry about the roaches..." Zell said in embarrassment, his cheeks turning red. "I just got used to them, after a while."
"A-ah..n-no, I'm sorry...that was rude. I-it's really not a problem." Seifer choked out, forcing himself to stop his wild dance out of shame. He'd already insulted Zell earlier, and now here he was, criticizing his living conditions.
"Look," Zell said, turning the kitchen facet on, causing fairly green water to come running out. He grabbed a cup from the sink and began pouring himself a glass. "I want to thank you for everything you did for me last night. It was really kind of you, and you didn't have to do it."
Seifer shrugged, trying to remain calm and collected, but most of all, casual. "Oh, it's no problem...what're friends for, right?"
Zell looked up, his eyes flashing. Seifer immediately could read Zell's mind, and it's Bullshit Alarm was going off. They were never friends...they were the most bitter of enemies, and since they had been projected to such importance during the Ultimecia War, their distaste for each other was known the world over.
Seifer frowned. "Look, Zell, I know how things were between us...but...things have changed, you know?" Zell sighed.
"You're right. Things have changed, just look around you. I live in a shithole, and I have to do that because my boyfriend and mother are dead." He said coldly. It had been a well-publicized fact that Zell's mother died shortly after the Ultimecia War.
"I mean, come on, just look at the world around you, there's such wonderful things around you, what more could you be looking for!" Zell laughed bitterly, raising his hands up as though he was presenting his run-down apartment as the epitome of fine living.
"Zell, please...I didn't mean to upset you. I just...I really care about you, and I worry about you." Seifer said sadly, but with sincerity.
Zell was quiet for a moment as he looked down at his counter, which was faded and dirty. "I know, I'm sorry..." He said weakly.
"Hey, it's okay. Actually, I wanted to know...if you'd like to come to my wedding." Seifer offered, hoping Zell would accept.
Zell looked at him and raised his brow. "Are you serious? Wouldn't Rinoa freak out?"
Seifer wanted to say that no, she wouldn't, but he realized that Zell was testing him. If he told a lie of such magnitude, his credibility would be ruined. So he opted out of that particular subject. "It would just be really great to see you there, since no one else from my past will still talk to me or anything...and, maybe it would do you good to get out some. Rinoa has some pretty reach friends, so there might be someone there who can--"
"Help me?" Zell finished his sentence. "Oh, I get it now, and no thanks. I'm not going to drag myself down there to just look pathetic just so you can feel better about yourself for making some false gesture of pity!" He yelled, tears forming in his eyes. He rushed over to Seifer and started pushing him towards the door.
"Get out! Get out of here and don't come back, you bastard!" He cried, and Seifer, shocked, could do nothing but stare at him wide-eyed as he was dragged out the door.
Before he could make so much as a sound, Seifer had the apartment door slammed in his face. He stared for a moment in the near-silence, the only sound Zell's muffled sobs from the other side of the door.
After a long moment, tears formed in his eyes and he closed them so they wouldn't fall down his face. Zell had fallen, and he had fallen farther than most people's wildest nightmares. But it was in that instant that Seifer realized just how far that was...and how it had caused Zell to completely shut everyone out emotionally. He had now witnessed the extent of that change now, and was faced with the stunning realization that Zell had transformed into the persona of his ex-boyfriend when he was at Balamb. Quiet, antisocial, full of pain and doubt...in his despair, Zell had become Squall, regressing into that persona of stone out of a need to protect himself.
Taking out a piece of paper and pencil from his coat pocket, Seifer scribbled something on a piece of paper and set it down next to the door. He sighed, and walked out the front door.
Once the icy morning air hit him, all those feelings rushed to his head and he slouched over, vomiting next to the building's doorway. His head swam as the images around him spun. He coughed weakly, and eventually regained his composure.
Wiping his mouth, Seifer set off, back to the other side of Balamb, and back to his own, and very different life.
Back inside the apartment building, the scribbled note sat in silence on the dirty wood floor.
Balamb Chapel on 23rd street
Monday at 10:00 AM
From inside the apartment, a hand emerged from under the doorway, and pulled the note inside.