Look Back

Kawaii Kitty-chan

They say that if you look at someone, eventually they will notice the attention and look back at you … right?

At eleven years old, Syaoran thinks it is stupid. He has been staring at Sakura for months now, seated at the desk behind her in school, watching her intensely and willing her to look back as his heart pounds and he struggles to control the blood rushing to his cheeks and pace his breathing evenly as he has been taught by Wei – but she never glances at him.

"Patience," Wei, his instructor, told him, when six-year-old Syaoran became frustrated and threw his wooden sword at the wall during training and demanded a proper sword, not a substitute. "If you have patience Xiaolang, you will be rewarded." And he was. Four years of hard work later, Syaoran was gifted with his own ceremonial sword by the Li Clan before he departed Hong Kong for the small town of Tomoeda, Japan, to complete his mission: to capture the magical cards created by his ancestor, the powerful sorcerer Clow Reed.

His own sword: hard, rigid metal that severs soft, supple flesh, blood glinting along its silver length.

Of course, he is only ten, so he hasn't killed anyone, he doesn't want to, but Syaoran knows that a time in the future may come to pass where he has to defend his clan's honour and prestige. But he doesn't think about this possibility too much, he is young and innocent. Syaoran thinks of the sword as both a beautiful and terrible thing, and of how lucky he is to be so skilled with it, like his respected father. Everyone in the Li Clan knows of their future leader's natural talent with the traditional weapon. They also know of Syaoran's strong sense of right and wrong, of justice, and his ideals, and they smile because they know that in ten years' time when he represents one of the most influential and wealthy families in China he will not abuse his power.

… Syaoran would also kill someone if it is to protect people he loves. People like his family.

Like Sakura.

When he came to Tomoeda and discovered that the Seal of the Clow Book had been broken by some idiotic girl who was the Cardcaptor, Syaoran was furious … and jealous. He was supposed to be Clow Reed's chosen successor, not some girl silly enough to let the Clow Cards escape and wreak havoc upon the world. It was his destiny to return the Clow Book to the possession of its rightful owners, the Li Clan, the descendants of Clow Reed who bore his magic, and receive glory and praise and the adoring look in the eyes of his parents.

His mother and father rarely show emotion. Syaoran's father is the current leader of the Li Clan and very, very busy. That's what Syaoran's mother has told him since he was very young. "Your father loves you very much, Xiaolang," she reassured her beloved son. Syaoran could smell the unique scent of incense and crushed mint leaves that belonged to his stern, loving mother. "Your father is the leader of this family, all your cousins and aunts and uncles and their families, and is responsible for their affairs and our company. It is a very big, hard job. He thinks of you often, though. And one day you will become the leader of the Li Clan, Xiaolang." She was smiling, but her face turned solemn. "Xiaolang, I want you to promise me that when you become the leader you will still spend time with your family, as much as possible."

He promised.

Syaoran loves his mother and his father very much. He studies Japanese and English to please his mother, and learns the art of the sword and magic so one day he can be as good as his father and make him very proud. Syaoran loves the times when his father would take a day off from work and train with him. Although Syaoran always lost the battles they had, blade clashing against blade, these fights were some of his most treasured memories. After, father and son would lie outside on the grass and simply enjoy one another's presence, admiring the beauty of the world they lived in.

At school in Japan the teacher, Terada-sensei, introduced Syaoran to the curious students and told him where to sit. As Syaoran walked he passed a girl staring dreamily at the world beyond the window and felt a refreshing, warm pink aura wash over him, brimming with wild uncontrolled magic, intertwining with his own strong green aura. Then the feeling disappeared and Syaoran was left wondering whether he had imagined it. But Syaoran was taught to trust his instincts which could perceive things the conscious mind could not and when he sat down he glared at the head in front of him. The girl, Kinomoto Sakura, sensed his negative feelings and shivered, and Syaoran felt a small amount of satisfaction knowing that she was scared of him.

His dislike of the ditzy girl intensified when he found out that she was the chosen Cardcaptor. Syaoran couldn't believe it, in the beginning. How could she replace him as Clow Reed's successor? It wasn't fair! He had been trained for so long, suffered exhaustion and aching muscles and broken bones, so that he could meet his destiny prepared – and then she waltzes in and steals his destiny from him?

Gradually Sakura became used to his glares in class and ignored them, built up immunity to them. Gradually Syaoran came to understand the girl with a kind smile, innocent eyes, dense nature and affectionate pink aura. Gradually they became friends, partners as they captured the Clow Cards together, sharing the burden, saving one another when in trouble. Gradually Syaoran's glares became simple, almost admiring, stares.

Everything was so gradual. They were only ten years old.

And then, suddenly, there were only a few cards left to capture, and next there were none and Tsukishiro Yukito, Sakura's crush, was revealed to be Yue, the Moon Guardian that Clow Reed created to decide the worthiness of his successor.

The Final Judgment began.

Syaoran failed. Just as in his fights with his father, he tried as hard as he could and lost. His last chance to bring the Clow Cards to his clan and see his father's proud expression at his son's success – and he failed.

Syaoran thought the disappointment would swallow him completely; wished it would so he could cease to exist.

Then it was Sakura's turn and Syaoran allowed the disappointment to fade to a dull, constant ache as it was replaced by worry and concern for a friend.

He did feel proud, when Sakura succeeded where he did not and was named the Master of the Clow Cards. And the young boy realised that maybe it was for the best.

Sakura, the Master of the Clow Cards.

Sakura, who was brought up by an openly affectionate family and portrays her emotions to the world through her eyes, unable to conceal them. Sakura, who is compassionate to injured enemies and spirits who try to harm her and her loved ones. Sakura, who stubbornly refuses to fight, preferring to talk and negotiate without hurting anyone, unless action is necessary, and who even then shows mercy.

All these qualities Syaoran had believed were the epitome of weakness … but he sees now that he was wrong. They are her greatest strength. Sakura's loving, pacifist, passionate spirit.

So Syaoran let the warmth of Sakura's sweet smile dissolve the bitter resentment and jealousy in his heart as they spun around in the night.

Inevitably, perhaps, Syaoran's feelings for Sakura transcend those of mere friendship and he stares at her at school in a different perspective. He stays in Tomoeda long after the Final Judgment, helping Sakura in her new task to convert the Clow Cards into Sakura Cards although she probably didn't need him, he thought somewhat acrimoniously. Syaoran wondered at the intensity of these foreign feelings, hating the way he blushed every time she spoke to him or smiled in his general direction. Syaoran couldn't understand why his heart beat always sped up whenever he was in close proximity to her. He knew that the first step to solving a problem was identifying it. Countless nights were spent puzzling over what his problem was, until one day he realised.

Syaoran is in love with Sakura.

It is as simple as that, but, coming from a family who don't believe in showing their emotions, he couldn't identify his feelings.

The next step was to systematically work out how to solve the problem, and then to act.

The trouble was, Syaoran could not figure it out – and he wasn't sure that he wanted to. These feelings made him feel uncomfortable around Sakura, yes, and very self-conscious but not exactly in a bad way. He admitted to himself that he liked Sakura and decided that he wanted to tell her, though he was unsure if he would be able to handle rejection if Sakura did not feel the same way about him, which was almost probable.

The problem changed.

Syaoran had options. He could confront her directly and confess, but he was too shy and mysteriously lost the ability to speak coherently near Sakura. He tried, several unsuccessful times. Syaoran wondered gloomily if that was all he was destined for now: failure.

Alternatively, Syaoran could wait patiently as Wei said to and give Sakura hints about his true feelings and hope to the divine gods that she was not as dense and oblivious as she appears to be. Syaoran was sure that even her best friend Daidouji Tomoyo knows about his feelings for Sakura and takes pleasure in watching him squirm and blush through the mechanical eye of her precious video camera.

He opted for the second one. Unfortunately, it isn't working.

Still, Syaoran waits, staring at Sakura in class and hoping one day she will also fall in love with him, while helping her transform the cards and containing the jealousy that wells up dangerously when he sees her talking to the strange English transfer student, Hiiragizawa Eriol.

Syaoran sighs, noting absently the way Sakura's silky honey-coloured sways cutely in the breeze that enters the classroom through the open window on their left. Sakura bows her head as she doodles in her maths book, strands of hair falling in her heart-shaped face making her push them behind her ear. They promptly slip back again and she growls in frustration.

Syaoran restrains a chuckle at the oddly adorable gesture that he once found annoying, amber eyes sparkling.

Sakura pauses suddenly and Syaoran frowns, wondering whether she has sensed another disturbance, but she relaxes soon and resumes drawing. Syaoran relaxes too, engraving the way her hair is secured in pig tails with colourful ribbons in his memory, and is caught off guard when Sakura turns in her seat and looks at him in a faintly questioning manner, her emerald eyes concerned.

"Are you okay, Syaoran-kun?" Sakura inquires delicately.

Syaoran blinks. "I-I'm fine," he stutters, wincing internally as butterflies dance in his stomach. He can feel the blood being redirected to his face by his heart.

"I'm glad," she says sincerely, smiling brightly at him.

They also say that smiles are infectious.

Syaoran smiles too; she had looked back.

Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura belongs to CLAMP and its various publishers. This story is fictional and was not created for profitable purposes, simply for the enjoyment of the author and her readers.

This fanfic isn't so much a story as a combination of my observations, imagination and overly-descriptive writing … feedback is appreciated as always!