Wax On, Wax Off Yeah Right!

by Zemmius

Being no girliegirl Starbuck never tried this before. This is my first attempt at writing, so please feed the muse and review.

Title: Wax On, Wax Off; Yeah... Right!

Author: zemmius

Rating: M

Category: Humor

Warnings: Well, some --okay a lot-- of swearing; it's Starbuck after all.

Disclaimers: I definitely don't own the characters of BSG. Not making any money off of them either. Just, playing with them for awhile. See, no harm done.

Timeline: S1 - Between "33" and "Water"

Summary: Starbuck hates to shave her legs.

Authors Note: This Fic was inspired by a joke that was passed around work. If anybody knows who the author is, please let me know so I can give them credit. Special thanks to my buddy Jan C. for being my beta, to Tartlet my lovely proofreader and to Michelle M. Without their support and encouragement I never would have gotten this done.

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Life had finally settled into an exhausting norm for Lt. Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace. Yet finishing up back-to-back rotations was enough to wear anyone out. So wanting nothing more than a few precious hours of rack time she unzipped her flight-suit.

"Oh, Lords…" Groaning as the stench emanating off of her body assaulted her senses. 'Not gonna happen, girl,' she reprimanded herself as she sat down on the long bench and began tugging off her boots. 'You're not crawling in that rack 'til you scrub your nasty ass.'

Kara stripped out of her flight-suit.

"Frak," she hissed quietly, as the suit pulled at the stubble on her legs. 'What? Two, three days, damn... has it really been over a week?' she wondered. So much had happen in the last week or so she just couldn't remember. 'Doesn't matter; you're just going to have to accept it. You're gonna have to shave your legs if you want any decent sleep at all.'

Grabbing a towel, she wrapped it around herself and started rummaging through her bag for a razor. 'There you are.' Finding it at last, she slipped off the cover -- only to realize that the blade had started to rust. 'You got to be frakkin' kidding me. I just got this... Didn't I just get this? Ah crap. I didn't make it to the frakkin' commissary, remember. End of the world. Been a little busy.'

'Crap!' Flinging the useless razor into the locker where it ricocheted with a ting and landed at the bottom with a muffled thunk.

'What was that?'

Flicking the razor aside, she revealed a discarded waxing kit.

'Where did this...? Oh yeah... Sharon.' Kara recalled that Sharon had gotten the wax while on their last shore-leave, probably meaning to use it for a date with the Chief, only to lose it later in a Triad game. Having no use for it, Kara had tossed it in her locker.

'Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. You really don't want to do this. Do you?' she wondered.

'What frakkin' choice is there; I could try to sleep while it feels like hundreds of tiny little needles are poking me in the legs. Or, I could hack myself to bits with a rusty frakkin' razor. Or, I could try this.'

Reluctantly, as she considered her options, she inspected the box. It appeared to be one of those cold wax kits she realized, giving the instructions a quick once over.

'Seems easy enough; rub, peel, press, pull. Huh, No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? Come on, Kara, your no genius, yet you can fly a Viper better then anyone and you can fix them almost as well as any knuckle-dragger, so surely you're mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.'

'Guess there's use for you after all.' Gleefully tossing the kit in the air. 'Besides, don't they say that when you wax it makes the hair grow back slower?' She gathered up her supplies, adding one last addition. 'Besides, anything's better then shaving every other frakkin' day.' Kara headed for the showers.

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Finding the adjoining head devoid of her fellow pilots was a stroke of luck, so Kara indulged herself in a long, hot, relaxing shower. Feeling herself starting to slip effortlessly into blissful slumber, Kara wrenched her eyes wide open and set about getting herself clean.

Only when she was completely satisfied that every bit of stench had been scrubbed away did she pat herself dry. Wrapping the towel around herself, she stepped out of the shower and was pleasantly surprised to find the head was still empty.

'I could do this right here.' Glancing around the room, with its six sinks in the middle, its four enclosed shower stalls on one side and its four privately enclosed toilet stalls on the other. 'Nah, better safe than sorry.' Gathering up her supplies once again she headed to the farthest toilet stall from the hatch.

There are still some things a girl wants to do in private, like experimenting on oneself with a new product.

She entered the farthest stall from the hatch and deposited her supplies, the kit and her last minute addition a hairdryer, on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Pulling one of the strips out of the kit, two strips in all facing each other stuck together, she hit it with the hairdryer.

"Cold wax, my ass. Just rub with your hands 'til warm, yeah right. We'll just heat these to... Oh... I don't know... 1000 degrees."

Placing her foot on the toilet, she laid the strip across her thigh. While holding the skin tight she yanked the strip. "Ahh... Ahh ha! It works!"

'Okay it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. Besides, it worked. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Enyo, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!'

Repeating the process over and over, she committed herself to removing every last strand of redundant hair on her legs.

As she was cleaning up, she noticed that there was only one double-sided strip left. Definitely not enough to do her legs again. 'Can't waste this, now, can we? Resources being as they are. So, why not charge ahead and tackle the ultimate hair fighting championship; the bikini line!'

Quickly checking that the coast was still clear, she fired up the hairdryer once again. Gentling peeling them apart, she placed her right foot back on the toilet seat and applied the strip across the right side of her bikini line, covering the right half of her vagina and stretching down to the inside of her butt cheek. 'Damn, that's a long strip.'

Braced against the door of the stall, she grabbed hold of the strip took a deep breath and with a mighty pull... RRRIIIPPP

'ARGGG, I'M BLIND! Blind from the pain... OH MY GODS!'

"Breathe, breathe, just breathe. Okay, okay; that's better," she wheezed through clenched teeth. Looking down, she saw the dangling strip. 'Crap! Oh, nice going, dumb ass; you only managed to get it HALF-WAY-OFF!'

'Okay, okay here we go! Ready, set...' Breathing deep once again she grabbed the strip and... RRRIIIPPP

'ARGGGG! Ohhh, lookie; everything's all swirly and spottie; soooo pretty... I think I may pass out. No, no must stay conscious... Where are those drums coming from! Come on, breathe, breathe...' She shook her head, hoping to clear her vision. 'Oh, great; now we're dizzy. No, no, we're good. We're good.'

"Where is it?" Growling through still clenched teeth. 'I want to see my frakkin' trophy. That thing that caused me so much pain, I want to see it. See my hairy pelt sticking to it; revel in the glory that is mine.'

Triumphantly she raised the strip. It's peeled clean. "What the frak...?"

'Where's the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?'

Oh, so slowly, she eased her head down and saw the hair, the hair that should be on the strip; it's still there. All of it.

Hesitantly she touches. 'Crap! Crap! Crap...!' She runs her fingers over the most sensitive part of her body, which is now covered in melted hair and cold wax.

'Oh, I don't think so!' Grabbing the hairdryer, she takes aim.

"Ow, ow, owww; okay, okay maybe not!"

Not willing to do permanent damage, she returned the hairdryer to its previous resting-place on the toilet paper dispenser. 'Toilet paper...? That should do the trick.'

Snagging a handful, she reasoned, 'It's warm again, thanks to that frakkin' dryer; should rub right off.'

Diving her hand between her legs, she dug the tissue in deeply. Riipppp

She didn't even have to look to know what happened. Closing her eyes, she repeatedly drummed her head back into the door.

'Perfect; just frakkin' perfect. You actually thought this would work. What the frak were you thinking, girl? Yeah, like this shit would work.' Scrutinizing the shredded wad of tissue. 'You can practically see through it!'

Kara tightly clenched the useless wad in her hand; pouring all of her frustration, anger and disgust into her grasp as her fist began to shake from the force.

'Urgh! No! Not gonna let it get to me!' she ordered herself, flinging the wad into the bowl, where it barely made a splash. Not being one to admit defeat so easily, she lightly ran her fingers over her eyes to compose herself, then determinedly began to pick away at the entangled mess.

'Oh frak!' She froze when she heard the hatch swing open, allowing an intruding into her own private little corner of Tartarus. 'My leg, they'll see my frakkin' leg! Maybe they'll think I'm a guy pissing, I'm facing the right way. Sure... You're standing on one foot, idiot! Who pisses while standing on one foot? No one, that's who; now unless you want to claim that you're douching or something find some way to hide. Now!'

Very, very carefully she eased back firmly into the door. 'No creaking, no creaking; don't you dare make the slightest bit of a sound or I'll rip you off your frakkin' hinges.' As gently as possible, she raised her left leg, placing her foot onto the toilet seat.

Zzziiippp

'What the... Oh my Gods!' Every single muscle in Kara's body clenched as her face contorted into a silent scream, realizing her mistake. "My frakkin' vagina just sealed shut!'

'This is not happening; this is not happening!' Wearily she cracked open one eye. 'Oh, frak me. Yep, I'm still here. Trapped in a toilet stall with nothin' but a towel on, back against the door, feet up on the seat, clumps of shredded tissue matted in my pubic hair and just to top it all off cold wax sealing my vagina tighter than a virgin. Can you frak this up any more, Kara?'

'What the... Oh sure, you just had to pick that one, didn't ya?' Kara seethed, as her intruder chose the adjoining stall to conduct their business. 'I swear to the Lords, whoever you are, if you even think about jacking off, I'll kill ya. I'll frakkin' kill ya!' she threatened silently, as she couldn't help but hear the very distinctive sound of a man relieving himself. 'ENOUGH already! Tap it off, mister! Get out now, go-away, shoo, shoo!'

Not moving from her perch, she listened as whoever finally finished; hearing the hatch as it opened once again to release her intruder. 'Must've been Scratch,' she reckoned. 'He never washes up.' The hatch slamming shut was her cue, Kara inched her shoulders up the door until she could grasp the top of the stall walls. As she lowered her legs to drop down, her butt promptly followed example and sealed itself shut.

'No! No! No! No! Nooooo! Oh Lords! Oh please, please, don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop-off!' She lost her hold and toppled over the stool, barely catching herself as an overwhelming case of the giggles grabbed hold of her at the sheer absurdity of her predicament.

'What can I do; what can I do? Think, Kara, think. How can you melt the wax?' Still sprawled half-way over the toilet, 'Water! Hot water! Hot water melts wax. Where can I get hot water, 'cause there's no way I'm plopping my ass in the sink. Not in the middle of the frakkin' head, out in the open, where anyone can walk in and see me; no frakkin' way! So where, where can I...? That's it... the showers!'

Laying her palms flat on each side of the stall ways, she walked her hands back until she could stand and get her balance. She shuffled around to face the door, snagging her washcloth along the way. Opening the door just a crack, she peeked out just in case another intruder had sneaked in during her case of the giggles.

'Coast clear; book it, girl! Move! Move! Move!' Penguin walking as fast as she could, she made a beeline toward the showers.

Once she made it into the shower, however, she realized she had a problem. With her butt cheeks sealed shut, bending over and plugging the drain was going to be a problem. So, using her toes, she stuffed the washcloth as tightly as she could into the tiny holes. Then she adjusted the water, slightly higher than that used to torture POW's or sterilize surgical equipment, 'til it was about three inches deep.

'Okay, well, bending over was a problem so sitting is going to be an even bigger pain in the ass, literally. So, gonna have to do this slowly,' she thought, as she pivoted around on the base of the shower ledge to face out of the shower. Kara scooted her heels off of the ledge and braced the arch of her feet against the edge. She released her hold of the door frame to slam her hands against the shower walls, intending to slide her hands along the walls as she slowly fell back into the shower. Braced by her feet on the ledge, she could then simply walk her feet out and ease down slowly.

Well that didn't happen. The steam had built up a fine coat of mist everywhere around the stall. So? When she slammed her palms against the walls as she leaned back, she slid along the slick walls. Her back collided violently with the wall, jarring her entire body, causing feet to slide right off the slick, damp tile, straight out the open door. Unceremoniously plummeting her straight down, on her butt, into the blisteringly hot water. Temporarily short-circuiting her brain. Kara couldn't breath, she couldn't move, her entire body went into complete shock as it was assaulted by the sweltering hot water encasing her backside.

The shock only lasted a moment as her senses slammed back into her and she was able to move once again. 'Out! Out! Out! Get Out!' she ordered herself, as she franticly scrambled to stand. 'Why can't I get up? Get up, damn it! Move! Move! I am not stuck! I am not stuck! Frak!'

Now the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a shower filled with sweltering hot water. "That's enough, that's enough!"

Plunging her hand, she snatched the washcloth from the drain. 'Breathe, breathe, breathe,' she chanted to herself, as she was relieved of the intense heat as it filtered down the drain. 'Lords, Kara, you gotta stop doing this... Your going to hyperventilate.'

'Okay, okay, okay. My frakkin' skin feels like it has been seared from my body. That damn wax has got to be melted!' she figured. Pushing her back against the wall, fully expecting to slide on her butt, only to find out… 'HOLY-MOTHER-FRAKKIN'-GODS! It didn't work!'

"SON-OF-A-BITCH! Who's the frakkin' idiot that left their shit in the head!" Boomer's voice pierced through Kara's wall of frustration and pain. She hadn't noticed the arrival of the head's newest occupant.

'Oh, thank you, Lords, it's only Boomer! BOOMER! SHARON! It was her frakkin' wax to begin with. She'll know what to do. She's waxed before. She's got to know a way to get me out of this.'

Pitching her voice low in a hushed tone she called out, "Pssst... Boomer... Boomer..."

"Starbuck?" Sharon called out in a puzzled voice, pausing in her current activity, which happened to be pitching Kara's abandoned supplies out of the toilet stall. "Where are you?"

"Over here."

"Where?"

"Over here, damn it! I'm in the frakkin' shower!"

"What are you doing in there?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, just - come here!"

"Why should I?"

"Damn it, Sharon, get your bony ass over here, now!"

"Thanks, but no thanks; I've seen your naked ass enough already. I'm not joining you in the shower. Besides you're not my type."

"Oh, like a really want to frak you. Will you just get over here?"

"Fine; what is it?" Sharon sighed.

Sharon walked into Kara's frame of view. Looking clearly annoyed until she noticed Kara just sitting in the shower with a sopping towel wrapped around her.

"Starbuck...?" she asked, quite confused.

"I'm stuck."

"Excuse me!"

"I'm stuck! How hard is that to understand?" 'Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask...'

"How?"

'Crap!' "Don't ask, just..." Raising her arms, Kara reached for her friend. "…pull."

"Ah... no!" Sharon propped herself against the doorframe as she gave Kara a tiny smirk.

"What do you mean, 'no'!"

"Not 'til you tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"How?"

"How, what?"

"How...are...you...stuck?"

"I'm just stuck, alright. So come on, help me up."

"Get up yourself."

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Well, I'm not gonna help you until you do."

"Fine! My butt and who-ha are glued together to the base of the shower. Are you happy now? Come on, get me up." Raising her arms, she once again reached out.

"Wait, wait; your who-ha? How...Why did you glue your who-ha to the shower?"

"I didn't glue it."

"You just said."

"It's wax, damn it."

"Wax?"

"Yes, wax." Kara sighed, rolling her eyes. "You know, from that frakkin' hair removal kit."

"And you put it on your who-ha?"

"Oh, like I meant to. Are you going to help me out or not?"

"Not yet. If you didn't mean to, then..."

"I put it on my panty line."

"Your panty line? And it ended up there? How? And why are you sitting in the shower?"

Reluctantly, Kara told her tale of woe. When she had finished, Sharon was bent over, clutching her waist, violently shaking with amusement.

"So... so... so..." Sharon stammered as she giggled out loud. "…just to be clear, are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" she asked, not even bothering to contain her amusement.

"Does it matter?"

"Yes it matters! We might have to call in the doc."

"We are not calling the doc!"

"Kara, there could be some serious..." She shook, full of glee, and finally got out, "damage."

"Funny; go ahead, laugh it up."

"Or... or... or... we could, well at least I could, get a knuckle-dragger and... and... and... they could scrape your ass off the floor." Sharon's delightful laughter rang though out the room.

"Are you done? Have you gotten it all out? Good! Now tell me, what do we do?"

"How the frak should I know?"

"It was your wax! Don't you know what to do to get me...?"

"Unstuck? Sorry."

"Sorry! What the frak do you mean by 'Sorry'! You've waxed before, right?"

"Waxed, yes. Got my ass stuck to the floor, ah...no."

"Arghh! Damn it, Sharon! Stop laughing and come here!"

Sharon tried desperately to catch her breath. "Okay, okay, okay..." Leaning down, she almost grabbed Kara's hands when they both freeze. Was that the hatch? Sharon quickly checked to see who had come in.

"Door, door, door... block the door," Kara whispered, as she frantically gestured from the shower floor. A wide, evil grin spread slowly across Sharon's face and Kara knew she was doomed. "Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no; don't you dare. Don't you dare!" she hissed at Sharon.

Stepping back, Sharon struck a pose, one hand on her hip the other strumming the doorframe. "Hey, Apollo; seen Starbuck lately?"

"Can't say that I have." Nodding to indicate the bunkroom, he suggested, "Should be in her rack. Have you checked there?"

"Sharon!" Kara threatened.

Sharon glanced over at Kara and grinned. Not the lease bit worried, she enlightened Lee. "Oh, I know where she is."

"Then why did you...?" He trailed off as he looked at Sharon, eyes wide open, a smile stretched wide across her face, clearly shaking with glee as she repeatedly pointed rapidly into a shower. It was quite clear she eagerly wanted him to come over and take a look in the stall.

"You, bitch!" Kara growled as Lee stepped into view. "What!" she challenged Lee. 'Oh, sure; you just had to show up, didn't ya?'

"What's going on?" Lee asked, clearly confused.

"She's stuck!" Sharon quickly informed him gleefully, before collapsing in a fit of laughter.

Lee whipped his eyes back and forth from one woman having the biggest belly laugh he had heard in a long, long time, to the other, sitting in the shower with a look that could melt the heat shield off a Viper. He had no idea what was going on but he did know:

"Oh, this has got to be good."

Leaning with his forearm against the frame of the shower door, he grinned at Kara. Snickering he asked Sharon, "What do you mean by stuck?"

"Shut up, Sharon!"

In no condition to respond, Sharon just hugged her stomach and shook, as she relished her friend's predicament.

"Starbuck...?" he asked, trying to contain himself. Sharon's amusement was starting to become contagious.

Kara glared at him. "Apollo?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing." 'None of your frakkin' business; now go away! Go away! Go away!'

"Nothing?" Clearly not convinced and eagerly anxious to be let in on what Sharon found so funny, he asked, "Then why are you sitting in the shower?"

"'Cause I feel like it, all right!"

"Nope; not buying it. Come on, Kara, what's up?"

"Not her!" Sharon sang out gleefully.

Kara bit her lower lip. 'Oh, you're gonna pay for this!' Ignoring Sharon, she glared up at Lee.

"What?" Lee chortled as he asked Sharon.

"She can't!" Sharon informed him, while Kara continued to glare at him in silence.

"Can't what?"

"Get up."

"Why?"

"She's stuck!"

"How?"

Reveling in her role of informer, Sharon filled him in on the details, as Kara stubbornly refused to utter a word, leaning back against the shower wall, arms crossed over her half-soaked towel, staring at a spot between her unwanted guests.

'Better enjoy it while you can, bitch! Your time will come. Yeah, Lee, that's what's happening; are you happy now? Just couldn't help yourself, could ya? Ya just had to know. Well now you know, so go away. Please, Lords, just make him go away!'

"You can't be serious?" Lee couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Oh, yah!" Sharon nodded as her eyebrows shot up her forehead.

"We should get a camera," Lee suggested.

"And take pictures."

"Tigh would pay a fortune for one."

"Or we could just call him."

"We could charge admission."

"Oh, definitely. We'd make a killing."

"Hey!" Kara hollered, interrupting the planning of her demise.

"Did you hear something?" Lee asked.

"No, sorry, can't say that I did."

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" belted Kara.

"Oh, hey, Starbuck; just a minute," Lee simply dismissed her, holding up his index finger as he turned to face Sharon.

"NOW!"

"I think she's pissed," Lee stated casually, as he continued to ignore Kara.

"Oh, she's definitely pissed."

"Probably 'cause she can't take one," Lee added, right before he felt the sopping washcloth smack upside his head. "Hey! You want our help or not?"

"You call this helping?" seethed Kara.

"She's right, you know," Sharon sighed in agreement

"We really should be more sympathetic to her needs," said Lee mockingly, as he looked at Sharon. "I'll call Tigh." Quickly he turned to leave.

"I'll get the camera." Jumping up, Sharon hurried after him.

"YOU FRAKKERS! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Kara's scream echoed throughout the head.

"Easy, Starbuck; keep it down," Lee sniggered, reappearing in the doorframe. "So, how do you suggest we get you out?"

And once again, Kara raised her arms, reaching for her friends. "Pull, damn it!" she growled, as Sharon reappeared in her narrow view, holding the box that was the cause of her dilemma.

Banking his amusement, he tried to reason with the furious woman. "Kara, we can't," Lee said softly, as he squatted down to her eye level. "It could cause some serious damage."

"Told ya!" Sharon piped in as she examined the box.

"I! Don't! Care!" Kara ground out between clenched teeth.

"Well, I do," Lee countered. "I wouldn't want to damage... you."

"Since when is my who-ha any of your frakkin' business?"

Sharon snorted with amusement.

"Well I am the CAG. It's my business to know the condition of all my pilots'..." He raked his eyes over her towel-clad body, lingering for a moment on her lap. "…parts."

"Oh, frak you!" Kara sneered.

"But, Kara, you can't!" Lee mocked her, covering his heart dramatically.

"Here, try this," Sharon suggested, handing her a small tube.

"What the frak is this?" demanded Kara.

"Wax removal cream," Sharon informed her smugly.

'What...? Where...? How...?'

"It was in the kit," Sharon informed her as the questions flashed across her face.

'Oh, I'm a frakkin' idiot, idiot, idiot!' Flicking her gaze up, she noticed the blatantly amused looks on their smug faces. 'Oh, I don't think so! Show's over, people. Out, out, out, get out!' Kara thrust out her arm and pointed purposely out the door.

"I think she wants us to leave," stated Lee.

"Do we care?"

"Not really, but come on." Lee guided Sharon away. "Let's give her some privacy."

Using the cream, Kara finally managed to free herself.

"How's it going in there?" asked Lee.

She slammed the shower door and diligently removed the last remaining bits of wax and tissue. 'Can't hide in here forever, girl. Go out and take your lumps.' She cleaned up the mess of wax and tissue. 'Just frakkin' do it. You know they're out there waiting. So what are you waiting for? Get it over with.' Stepping out of the shower she gathered her supplies that Sharon had tossed about the room.

Kara stalked about the room, gathering her things.

They were no longer laughing. They were no longer smirking. There was no slamming remarks, no implied suggestions, no tormenting at all. They appeared actually to be concerned about her. Which Kara didn't believe for an instant.

'What are they waiting for?' Kara wondered, as she chanced a glance at them. 'They got me. Why aren't they taking advantage of it? They can't possibly be passing this up. No frakkin' way! They're up to something.'

"Are you alright?" Lee inquired with innocent sincerity.

'Uh huh. You're really concerned,' Kara silently mocked. 'Gonna have to do better than that. Not a chance in Tartarus am I buying it.'

"Look on the bright side, Starbuck," Sharon suggested. "At least you got your legs done."

"And they look good too," Lee added.

'Lords, are you two pathetic. You've gotta have something better than

this,' Kara thought, as she glared at them from the corner of her eye, daring them to continue.

Gathering the last of her supplies, she turned to leave. Kara had just grasped the handle of the hatch when she heard Sharon call after her in a sing-song voice.

"Hey, Starbuck; ever thought about dying your hair?"

the end