Disclaimer- I only own the contract to Tolkien's soul. That has to say something, right?
Lady Venya of the isle- yes, I love it too, but then, I'm just prejudiced cuz it's MINE! Hope you like this one too.
FallenTruth- now I can tell you… in this chapter. Hah! I win! The suspense is just killing you huh? Oh and thank you for adding me to your alerts. Read on!
Guest- added! Thank you by the way.
Alex Hemming- ditto to the above.
ArwenEvenstar83- actually, she is that blind! I'm just like her! Kinda. I'm not as sexy… twitch. Enjoy!
Angelsfyre1- Wow that is the best compliment I've gotten! Mostly I'm told that my humor is, a little less than normal (koffkoffcrazykoff). And your friends are EVIL! Like the twinssss… kiiiillll… I'm not homicidal! Hope you like this chapter.
Chapter 4
Witz (it means bad joke)…
"I cannot believe that the council would let a young lady pledge herself to the quest of destroying the ring like that! It is unseemly, and a lady of all people! Why, in my day…"
At this point, Autumn had just tuned the fussy old maid out of her hearing. Not that the beautiful elf woman could be classified as an "old maid", but she was old. About three thousand years old, but Autumn wasn't really thinking of that at the moment. No, she was dwelling on the fact that she had been trying to tell Frodo that, "Oh, yeah homie, I got yo back!" but had instead conveyed the message to… it was just too horrible. She blushed at the horrifying thought.
I mean… it was… never mind. But still, how terrifying is that… I do not need to be reminded of this. Sorry. Needless to say, she was in a bad mood. Yes, I know it looked like she was unperturbed, but as soon as she got back into the room, and the elleth started in about the council, Autumn had asked the twins before they left, who she had mistakenly addressed.
Though Autumn could not see it, and the maid didn't care, they looked at each other, debating whether to just tell a white little lie, or to be evil.
Evil made its mark quite well known in the way they grinned at each other.
"Well, we weren't going to tell you but…" Elladan (they always seem to talk in this pattern) said.
"But it was Legolas', er, 'lower region'" They strolled cheerily away, leaving Autumn with a sense of complete and total shock. Similar to the feeling that she had gotten when she had arrived to this place of terror. Walls that inexplicably appeared in front of your nose; and elf crotches! What a mess.
"Well, I am certainly not going to allow you to journey on this without wearing a proper dress, which is for sure."
Now do not get me wrong, but this was going to be a really long trip. How inmiddle earthwas Autumn going to survive in a dress? I love dresses, but, seriously.
"How about… no." Was her reply.
She could feel the sizzle on her temple. "You are a lady, and if that means you wear a dress on the journey, then you will wear a dress!"
Before things could get ugly, there was a quiet tap on the door.
Oh, my god! It's Legolas and he's gonna kill me for talking to his bleep
"Hide me or kill me, but do something!" she wailed at the misty form of the elleth.
I shall dub thee, Asriel! Asriel rolled her eyes and stalked over to the door… and opened it, to the terror of the whimpering girl who had rolled off of the bed, and now lay huddled underneath it.
"Milady!" she gasped. : I did not know you were back in Rivendell: Now, Autumn did not know elvish, so she was left in the dark about what was going on. But she had understood the "Milady" part, so she knew it wasn't Legolas.
It's Legolas' girlfriend and she is here to kill me for talking to his bleep
"Yes, I am back, and I had hoped to meet the newcomer who had created such a fuss in the manor. Is she here?"
I'm gonna diiiiiiiiieeeeeee!
"Oh," Asriel voiced in disgust. "She's hiding under the bed."
Damn you elf for your treachery!
The bed skirt lifted and a lovely face appeared. The elleth would have been gorgeous, but old man blurriness got in the way.
"Good afternoon milady, my name is Arwen Evenstar. Would you like to come out from there now?" ….. She so does not look like the movie chick.
It did not look to Arwen that Autumn was capable of getting out on her own, so she grabbed her arm and began to pull.
Asriel joined in with an iron will. Ah, how she loved that sweet girl. Sweet girl my left foot! She needs a good week of kitchen chores.
Yes, well, hem. Soon, they had gotten the human out from the small space (amazing where we can go if we put our mind to it), and sitting on the feathery mattress.
"So, I hear you are to go with the fellowship on their quest." Arwen said, hoping to get the shaking young lady to loosen up and talk to her.
"Uh…"
Success! Cheers for Arwen Evenstar of the elves! Today her prize will be…
"The mean elleth is trying to get me to wear a dress on the thing."
Arwen blinked, and Autumn covered her mouth looking horrified. So did Asriel, for that matter. But, may the Valar grace her; she managed to keep her mouth shut. Arwen smiled.
"Well, you need not wear a dress, I am sure that you may need to wear one in Lothlorien, but not all the way there." Asriel looked fit to implode, but was halted by the elf lady's next words.
"There are however, leggings that are full in the leg, and indeed look like dresses when you stand."
Both Asriel and Autumn brightened. Asriel, because Autumn would at least partially look like a lady. And Autumn, because it looked like she was not going to die, and she wouldn't have to wear a dress on that long trek across middle earth. So it was all gooood.
When the elleths had finished gearing Autumn up and fiddling around with her hair, they stood back and let her twist in front of the mirror that she could not see. So I shall now describe it for you, with the help of our delightful authoress.
Theleggings were indeed, loose and comfortable, dyed a simple hunter green. And when she stood on the ground with her legs together, it really did look like a skirt. Her top was a knee-length robe that split in the front and back, to allow for riding if it was ever needed and it had beautiful swirls of seasonal colors all over a background of leaf bud green.
Even Asriel couldn't complain, although she did try. Her mouth would open, her eyes bright as a magpie, then she would shut it. Then she would open it, then it would shut. This would go on for a while.
They wrestled on her boots, then Asriel handed the confident human her elvin wrought stick. Striking out purposefully, Autumn slammed hard into the door frame.
People rushed about getting ready for the goodbye gathering for the fellowship. Things were rather hectic. Indeed, Arwen seemed to disappear in a few moments of leaving the building with Autumn and the evil twins Elladan and Elrohir. Gee, I wonder where she went… get your mind out of the gutter you dirty, dirty girl!
Mughahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!
Scary. They walked her around for a bit, then as everyone started calming down and gathering to one place, they deposited her in the area that she would stand in and vanished. Evil elvsis! The same fuzzy grey lump that she remembered talking to yesterday at the council waddled up.
"I see that you are ready to go on your little jaunt?" came the strong voice. He drew near and Autumn could kind of see him. Gloin was cool! He had an aged leathery face, and his hair was still thick and bushy as ever even with the grey. He was short, like one would expect, but he exuded the kind of authority that made him seem as tall as a basketball player.
"Yup. Iiiii'm ready, I'm ready." She said, doing her best Sponge Bob impression. He chuckled, surprisingly already used to her strange antics, whichare quitecommon in our little home.
Everyone else just edged away. But Autumn didn't see, or didn't care.
In a relatively short time, things were organized and more and more people began gathering. Gloin led her to the fellowship, patted her hand and left her.
She risked a glance over the fellowship and saw a tall yellow topped streak that she was pretty certain was the elf prince himself. And she was pretty certain that he was staring at her. Autumn could feel an embarrassed flush layering itself over her face. Stop looking at me! Elves should not be looking at me! He started walking over to her.
I'm gonna diiiiiiiiiieeeeeee! He's gonna kill me for… yes we know. No respect. That's right.
"Good afternoon." Help… me… and waste a perfectly good scene? I think not. Autumn looked up at the blurred, yet still breathtakingly, beautifully handsome face of Prince Legolas of Mirkwood himself.
And the movies had not done him an ounce of justice. He was way hotter than Orlando Bloom. You may be thinking, "yeah, right, no such possibility." Well, the possibility was standing right there in front of our shocked character, his face only a foot away, and two feet up. He was a tall hottie with a body! He also had a light tan, which was a major improvement over the movie also. I have died and gone to hell.
Eh? Oh, she was referring to the fact that this elf was so dang fine and yet he was an elf and gonna kill her. Or so she thought. He wasn't gonna kill her. Yet.
"I am soooo sorry! I wouldn't have talked to your, uh…" She blushed even harder.
And Legolas smiled. Oh… my… That was the most gorgeous smile the world had ever seen. I'm melting! Ding dong, the witch is dead…
"I believe the twins have misled you." Autumn blinked.
"Huh?"
His smile grew even broader. "You were misled. You were acctually talking to Pippen."
Autumn's relief could have flooded Alaska, but then, fire. "They are going to die…" she muttered. Her eyes had gotten huge and her teeth were bared, her clenched knuckles whiter than snow. What monster have I created? Was Legolas' thought. Thankfully, before blood could be shed, Gandalf approached.
"Greetings, Lady Autumn." Fire out. "I trust you are well?"
"Quite. But when we return, the twins will not be." Was her reply to the ancient wizard.
He chuckled well naturedly. "Yes, yes. They are rather mischievous elves." Before the conversation continued however, Elrond's approach was heralded.
And the whole scene with him being all regal was repeated, except, without the sitting. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhahahahahahahahahhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Upon each of you blahblahblah, no oath blahblah is laid. Blahblahlahbittyblerg. Good Blahblah your blerg." Sounds dirty. You dirty, dirty girl! Mwughahahahahahahahaha!
"The fellowship awaits the ring bearer."
And so the journey was begun. How…. Interesting.
Legolas' POV
It's a good thing that Elves are good liars. Those twins should have just told her that it was Pippen.
Narrator
Yes! It was indeed Legolas' crotch that Autumn conversed with! And she doesn't know it! Victory! And I just loooove how elves cannotresist comfortinga maiden in distress. And the white little lie would have been Aragorn's crotch. Can you tell me how bad the twins are?
Authors Note- I love the evilness of the twins. They are the awesomest. And I am in love with… Tom Welling! Oh, and Legolas. He's hot too. And tall. But Tom… rowl. Heehee. Hottie with a body! Now on the count of three! One… two… three, review!