Disclaimer- come on, you know you want to, everyone's doing it! Fine… I own nothing pertaining to Tolkien.
Thank you to my reviewers. As always, you all have made my year. Keep it coming!
Angelsfyre1- O.o I am so confoozled as to what you just said there. But I am pretty sure I have the gist. I'm pretty sure that Autumn has short term memory (she is getting a butt-load of issues), so she'll probably forget by Moria. Enjoy!
Fk306 animelover- Yes, it was rather embarrassing I imagine. Hope you likey!
FallenTruth- Yay! I'm talented! Normally, people just say I'm insane. This makes a nice change. By the way, your story was no hardship to read I'll have you know. Read on!
Chapter 5
Sponge Bob and Hookah
I… hate… rocks! Yes, I'm sure. They… must… die. They're already dead hon. Oh! Readers!
By about this time, Autumn still had not gotten used to her stick, so she was constantly stubbing her toe or some-such. She was pretty certain that by the time they arrived to their next stop, her toes would be hammered into her foot. Not a lovely prospect.
They had been walking for- three weeks… three days, and Autumn was not feeling too chipper. She felt completely useless! She was bored to tears, wanting to do something. And no one knew any good songs, so whenever she requested a song, they were all really odd. Aragorn and Boromir's was all posy sounding, Gandalf didn't sing, and Legolas' were just… weird. All quiet and romantic, they made her want to start talking like a Mary Sue. Scary. So, no more elfish songs were requested by her. And we won't even mention Gimli's. The only good songs were sung by Merry and Pippen. They were all Tavern songs, so they were interesting and kept on a beat. Autumn had a blast teaching them songs from this world, and they were amused by teaching her their songs.
"I am not singing that song again you weirdoes!" She exclaimed laughingly. "It's embarrassing."
"Oh, come on. Just one more time!" pleaded Pippen.
"Yes, and if you don't, we'll drag on your ankles again!" This from Merry. She sighed in defeat,
"Fine! But no more afterwards. Agreed?"
"Agreed!" They chorused. She took a deep breath, and then began to sing in a booming, swashbuckling voice.
"Ooooooh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!" The two hobbits yelled back.
"Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!"
"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!"
"If nautical nonsense be something you wish!"
"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!"
"Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!"
"Sponge Bob, Squarepants,"
And I'm relatively certain you remember the rest. The rest of the troupe, not having the endurance of the hobbit duo, had plugged up there ears, or had just taken themselves to a happy place. And over such a good song too! Spoken like someone who didn't have to sing it nearly fifty times. Fifty five. I kept count.
But, our enchanting authoress took mercy on Autumn, and she got to teach the terrible two a new song.
"All the old paintings on the tombs
they do the sun dance, don't you know
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)
they're falling down like a domino.
All the bazaar men by the Nile
they got all their money on a bet
Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)
they snap their teeth on your cigarette.
Foreign types with the hookah pipes say:
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian.
The blonde waitresses take their trays
they spin around and they cross the floor
they've got the moves (oh whey oh)
they drop your drink, then they bring you more.
All the school kids so sick of books
they like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)
they're walking like an Egyptian.
All the kids in the market place say:
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian.
Slide your feet up the street, bend your back
Shift your arm, then you pull it back
Life is hard, you know (oh whey oh)
so strike a pose on a Cadillac.
If you want to find all the cops
they're hanging out in the donut shop
they sing and dance (oh whey oh)
Spin the clubs, cruise down the block.
All the Japanese with their yen
the party boys call the Kremlin
and the Chinese know (oh whey oh)
they walk the line like Egyptian.
All the cops in the donut shop say:
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
Walk like an Egyptian."
All was quiet for a moment, then…
"What's a 'hookah pipe'? And what's an 'Ee-gype-she-anne'?" This was, surprisingly, from Sam.
"And is hookah a good pipe weed?" Gandalf? Autumn answered a lot of questions that day.
"Two- three- five… "
All the little children were running around with their sharp, pointy sticks, while the others relaxed and stretched their legs after the tiring trek over hill and dale (what does that mean by the way?). And though she couldn't see it, Autumn could hear quite well the dulcet sounds of Boromir getting borne to the ground in full ceremony.
"Oof!" That was Aragorn.
"Play nice, children!" Autumn said in a nasal motherly tone. "It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious."
After she had finished delighting every one with her pearls of wisdom, she zoned out for a moment, until…
Ah! Choir of angles, Hallelujah! Legolas is speaking! "Crebain, from Dunland!"
"Hide!" Damn the harshness of human voices. Autumn was jerked out of her reverie by some one yanking her off of her rock and under a leafy bush.
Ba-thump…Ba-THUMP! Woodsy sent, long blond locks tickling her cheek, hard pectorals pressing against her bosom… The elvin face just inches from her own confirmed it.
HALLELUJAH! She passed out.
: Autumn…: Ah, the beauty of that voice, so mystical and… stuff. : Autumn…awake: Wait a minute, how could she understand that? I can't, I'm just enjoying it. Well enjoy no longer!
Her eyes fluttered softly, signaling her awakening… Warning! Mary Sueness; authoress must take drastic action. "Autumn! You're awake!" One after another, the weight of two midgets landed on top of her.
"Woof!" Her eyes snapped open and nearly popped out of their sockets, "Get off! Air is badly needed!"
There was a mad scramble and air rushed into her lungs. "One moment, I had her underneath the bush," Dirty… thoughts… pervade... mind! Dirty, dirty girl! "And the next, she just was gone!" This was an astonished Legolas trying to explain why Autumn had just gone out like a light in his arms to the humans, wizard and dwarf. The hobbits were just gathered around like expectant chickens.
"Well, she seems to be all right." The wizard commented. "But now, we must cross the pass of Caradhras!" Dun, dun duuuunnn!
I… hate… snow. Yes, I'm sure. Snow… must… Wait a minute; haven't we gone through this before? I… think… so. Well then, let's stop now. O… K.
The tall greenish form of Legolas crept by, infuriatingly enough, on top of the snow. Damn the lightness of elves!
Ever since he had approached her to correct the "misconception" (koffkoff unheard by Autumn) laid by the twins, soon they will perish… and he had gotten close enough for her to see his face quite clearly, she had been crushing. He probably should have stayed away and let her keep on thinking that she had talked to his… you know. Because then she wouldn't be blushing every time she saw the smear that she knew to be him.
Drooooooooooooooooooooooooollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Down, girl. Now she just wanted to curl at his feet and purr. But, alas (and thank god), this is not a Mary Sue story, so we shall avoid that as best we may. I'll just pretend. You do that.
"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt, over so small a thing. Such a little thing." Eh? Oh. Boromir was being tempted.
"Boromir, give Frodo the ring." Oh, so commanding. Tart. You know it.
There was a subdued silence, then… "Of course, I care not." A small chuckle followed, and it seemed to Autumn, now that she was actually experiencing the journey, that that small display of humor held a trace of bitterness and evil. Must be getting nervous.
Fast forward a few hours. Snow… is… EVIL! WE KNOW! Hem.
The snow had built up to her chest, and she was not pleased. Never before had snow gotten this high before, and when ever it came close, she had been bundled up and playing with friends. Now she was just trudging along in a blizzard with her head bowed. Praying that it would all be over soon.
Authors Note- I am afraid that this one fell rather flat. But at least I got what I have always wanted. A cliffy! I have always wanted to do a cliffy! And I had a lot of fun adding the "Walk Like an Egyptian" song. My friends and I always sing that song on the bus. Mandy boo just likes it because of the "hookah" reference. It's still a good song though. I think I shall continue adding songs every few chapters. Review and tell me if there are any songs you would like to see. All systems say, GO!