After the Honeymoon

Numerous hours devoted to reminiscing about honeymoon 1000's, Ciggie Cravings 100's, Photos to look through only 5 (Honeymoon) what do you expect?...Skinny Dipping 1, 8 visiting Fireman after one heated shag..:0) 9:00 AM

Cannot believe hybrid woman of world, professional reporter, and wife of sexy barrister. Not to mention expectant Mother.

I am wife and have decided that professional name will be Bridget Jones but all personal matters will be Bridget Darcy, compromise and collaboration are the new watch words of this blissful union. Singing and humming all dressed in white and now find myself a wife, literally life is a fairytale.

Alas, have stopped for moment to admire beautiful blue grotto picture, Italy. You see I will never forget that day, envisioned a yacht but he rents small schooner. Although originally disappointed until began to realize that view was shagalicious..Must put that in new Journal as new word to describe new husband. Not that I have any intention of trading in new husband as he is shagalicious.

I know, I know odd and not quite what I envisioned. But I play along, thinking maybe he has something kinky planned. He has been absolute animalistic through entire trip. In fact on ride over there he offers me a cushion to sit on, something reminiscent of Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, Linda Berdoll's book, actually reading it for the 5th time as do not want to miss out on any subtle hints of what author has to offer in regards to Mr. Darcy..As realize have my own Mr. Darcy..And when you think of it I am like Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. But I regress, must get back to boat ride, just remembering the delicious gaze on his face so must continue with story, as I did finally accept cushion almost as if he received some odd recognition for all his marital dalliances along with baby now in tummy. Smug..Very smug...but sexy, very sexy.

Back to grotto, blue grotto..Oh you thought I was discussing the water no actually sexy husband, you see he had taken off shirt to display David like physique, and with every move I witnessed subtle definition of his toned body , so alas mind wondered yet again.. Earth to Bridget..right so we stopped near the grotto, and the best thing was he gave me history lesson, but also mentioned that Tiberius used to have orgies in the grotto itself. Imagine my surprise as he stripped down completely as we were alone and asked me to do the same. "Mark I think, we ... "

"You are fine darling, throwing over anchor and then jumping in. Can not imagine what got into me as for first time I seemed to be hesitant about disrobing in front of hubby, because realize as soon as I do, large tourist yacht will come around, and I will have my picture placed in someone's photo memories as a big white whale. He came up when unsuspecting but would not take kit off in open so he moved boat along to grotto and climbed back in and with most persuasive manners managed to have me remove my kit, but reminded him when this was all over I needed his dry shirt, "It would be by honor my love." Snogging in the water, oh not bad in warm Mediterranean sea which did not stop him from his wicked desire to ravish me. I still blush at the thought of our own Blue Lagoon, you know Brook Shields and that Christopher fellow who disappeared off planet earth. We reclined and wondered about frolicking for awhile and finding an indiscreet place where we studied and re-enacted history..Tiberius you know..but when we swam from grotto back to boat it had floated away.

"Mark the boat"?

"Bridget I told you to throw small anchor over as I secured the rigging."

"Oh oh..I didn't hear you say that," he looked at me with eyebrow slightly raised.

Suddenly realized we were re-enacting blue lagoon as both of us had removed our kit earlier and no boat in sight, so we were marooned. Mark was pained by fact we were naked and all are clothes were, well who knows? We saw tour boat off in distance, we waved them on.."Mark I have no clothes, please don't."

And he said, "Well darling neither do I, and frankly I don't think we have a choice in matter."

Great will be on morning news all over the globe, and Mum the strange one will be clipping picture for family photo album right next to paddling pool, Gaah!

They picked us up, imagine the shock of the tourist that I had painfully thought a nightmare before, but fortunately now a reality, thankfully older woman loaned beach towels, but not before looking at us over bifocals. Also I did sense photos were taken, and flashes went off. Mark was red and so was I, but Tony our captain was good natured and mentioned in thick Italian accent, "Honeymoon." Mark nodded yes and the boat applauded. We did find boat and clothes had been carried with current and were able to recover..

Of course it is not comforting that that just picked up "Hello Magazine Pictorial" with caption, Bridget Jones and husband, fetched from afternoon water shag." Mark, I can't imagine the rousing he will get at work.

11:30 Will make call out, as have been missing husband and will not return back to work until tomorrow..

Mark: Hello Darcy Here..

Me: Darling, you can't imagine what I'm looking at...

Mark: Darling I ... Well right now I'm having..

Me: We are the focus of a rather large photo spread in Hell..

Mark: Hello..

Me: No I said Hello

Mark: Hello Magazine

Me: You saw it?

Mark: Look Darling can I call you back, as I have a meeting right now.. (hung up)

Oh no, cannot be good, am sure he is receiving lecture regarding the proprieties of proper English barrister. Oh dear he sounded stressed, hope he has not lost his job, as certainly will not be good thing, as could be set to the streets in absolute poverty. Husband looking all unkempt with protruding bear belly, and me in curlers with at least 7 children running around. Night drunks as loosing job has produced sad and broken man. One moment top notch barrister next village pervert...

6:00 P.M. Have decided best way to soothe the cares away is to have exceptional meal awaiting. But wait there is Mark's shirt.
Hmmm! Smells so good...carried on in knickers and bra and his shirt. Suddenly Britney Spear's he Zone is being played, poor girl will never look the same after having baby. The beat was contagious so decided to turn up volume, was beginning to dance and grind my hips.

6:05 PM. Mark walks in.."What the.." he looks over to see his new wife seductively grinding and waving her hips in seductive fashion to Britney, what's her name..He looked wide eyed at first, but then he looked playfully at her. Putting down his briefcase and taking his coat off he moved closer as she had not idea. He seductively then removed his tie sliding it ever so off slowly, just as the song grabbed to a real jungle beat, he pulled her close grinding with her..

"Wot..and who" she turned to see his salacious smile. He turned her around never had she thought that he could keep a beat like this, he was the staid but true Mark Darcy, but there he was grinding with her in seductive steps as she felt she was reliving that movie Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze, but it was Mark. He pulled my leg up and then dipped me with his other arm, pulling me back up and kissing me seductively on the chest, I was in shock..Then one more turn though I lost step and we fell to couch..he started laughing..."Are you ok darling," he said gently putting his hand on my abdomen.

"Mark I didn't know," I said.."Can we go out to the Electric and go dancing," I looked hopefully up at him determined to prove that husband has a wild side.

"Darling, no we have a baby to think of and I don't want to be in some smoke filled incubator shaking our..our.." he said sternly..

"Bottoms," I said.."But it would be fun, and I think people have the wrong impression of you."

Leaning over at me Mark replied, "And I would like to keep it that way..I'm sorry you little minks but the answer is no."

I pouted and folded my arms..

"Now up with you, you have turned me on and I need to take a shower want to join me?" He did not wait for an answer but picked me up to join him in shower, but he made not mention of honeymoon pictorial. Probably not wanting to upset me, wish he would though, as honesty and openness need to be the watchword of our union. Taken to relaxing soak actually in tub till he said, "What is that smell and sirens..oh no Bridget, it is not France all over again.." I got out of tub running for kitchen in towel panicking as I threw off towel in attempt to put out fire...

"Bridget..Bridget come back here.." he ran after me in robe with mine in hand as I was naked..

"Put this on right now," and he grabbed fire extinguisher only to have fire department breaking down door..I began to cry as first first newlywed supper ruined and nearly burnt down as half the wall to kitchen no longer exists. I ran upstairs out of embarrassment now he will chuck me as I am totally ruining everything..

Hid head under pillow...Now see new headline along with water shag, Darcy's, the happy newlyweds set fire to house after heated shag..We are doomed!