I want is to be able to close my eyes. I want to be able to close my eyes and not see a torn excuse for a living person, or the monster who's responsible for it.

I want is to be able to think. To think without being reminded of what happens on the street everyday. Being reminded of rape, violence, and murder. To be reminded of a victim who's life is shattered in all directions. To be reminded of a person who would commit such sick acts of rage.

I want to love my family without worrying. Worrying that I will find them beaten and violated, broken and ruined. Worrying about them walking home alone, or being taken from me. I hate seeing victims, shells of what used to be. It would make it a million times worse if it was my wife, or my children.

I want to see life as a collection of happy events. I want to stop seeing it as a list of inevitable tragedy's. To see acts of hate just makes me see more and more despair, scars and lack of care for other human beings.

I want to be able to control life. To control and keep everything bad in a cage. But I can't.

I cant control people, I cant stop them from hurting the innocent, and I cant control life.

No matter how much I want to.

I want to pray and not question whether there is a God. I want to pray and believe someone heard me. I don't want my voice to fall on deaf ears, or people who don't care about anything but themselves. Every time I see a mangled body, a crime scene, or a broken soul, I question if there is a God. And I always reach the same answer, I don't know.

I want to kill the bastard's who are responsible for what I see. I want to make them live through the pain. The pain every victim feels, the pain every family feels. But I know, that if I do, I am no better than them. And it kills me.

I want to smile without knowing victims won't for a long time. Many people don't see it, but smiling is something not everyone can do. The victim tries, but misery pulls their lips back into a frown of humiliation. When they say they're okay, and they smile, I know behind the fake happiness they are lost and begging for directions back to sanity.

I want to pretend life is perfect for everyone. Perfection to be defined as a happy family, an amazing job, a full life, and a peaceful death. I want to pretend there is no living victim, no lost child, and no one who hates life. I want to pretend there is no person who is so screwed up, that they kill themself. I want to pretend life is perfect.

But pretending wont make it real. Praying wont make it real.

Nothing will make it real.