Sara and Sidle disorder
Disclaimer: I own nothing but I still love them.
A/N: I don't want to ruin the relationship between Sara and Griss; I want them to be together, marry and live happily all their lives. But my brain just can't help thinking about the love and what ifs for a long time. First, from Sara PVO. So get this inspiration: Sara, emotional; Sidle, rational; and when they are talking about this love. As no beta, forgive my mistakes, if any.
Sara: I love Griss.
Sidle: what is love?
Sara: I Griss said love is just chemistry action, most of which depends on opportunity and preference. But it is not that way. When you love somebody, you are not only stimulated in sexual action. What's more important, you are enlightened and you feel the world is changing.
Sidle: So love brings changes?
Sara: Yeah, your life is totally changed.
Sidle: Changed is made by your decision.
Sara: Your feeling for the world is different now; that's why you made different decisions.
Sidle: So love is just the feeling.
Sara: Love brings the feeling and the conception. But its not only the feeling. That's you find something new.
Sidle: New things bring love?
Sara: Love brings you new sight of the world. You see it from a fresh vision.
Sidle: That's say you see everything in a different way?
Sara: Yeah.
Sidle: Different from what you see before?
Sara: Yeah.
Sidle: That means a new way of life for you.
Sidle: Yeah.
Sidle: You don't like your life before and you indeed want to change it. And love is the way you find to change your past life.
Sara: … You first fall in love. Then you are enlightened and changed. You changed because love brings you more, not rewrites you. You couldn't brush your history away because of love.
Sidle: But you could make sure your life won't be what it was. You make your further in another way, the way you prefer, because of love.
Sara: You couldn't call it a way to do something. Love is not the thing used for purpose. As we all know in love we are giving, not gaining.
Sidle: If this giving could lead to what you want, it is worth.
Sara: … Even you will get nothing after the giving, you are still happy. And that's love.
Sidle: Why you are happy? What are you happy for?
Sara: You concept more, you feel more, you…
Sidle: You do gain something; even it is measured by emotion level.
Sara: … What do you think I gain from Griss when I love him? I hurt much by him and everyone knows that.
Sidle: Why do you think you hurt?
Sara: I love him, I care him, I move from 'Cisco for him… but he pays no attention on me.
Sidle: You love because you want his attention?
Sara: Of course not！Even so, I still love him! I get nothing except pain from him when I love him.
Sidle: Do you care what you get?
Sara: I still love him when I get hurt. I just can't stop my love.
Sidle: Why can't you stop?
Sara: Love is not you can control.
Sidle: So you want to stop your love for him?
Sara: I love him. If you say I don't care whether he loves me; that's wrong. I love him and I hope he could love me.
Sidle: So love brings you hope. You would continue your love until you lost your hope; that's why you still love him even you get hurt.
Sara: Sometimes I had thought of stop seeing him so that I could get less hurt. The feeling is jus here and the member is just here. You can't say you want to stop it and it stops. I would still love him if he tell me he will never love me, even not try to, one day.
Sidle: Will you regret at that time?
Sara: Nope. If it is, I will tell you 'I loved him; that's enough'.
Sidle: Because you loved. Even if you got hurt when you loved?
Sara: Yeah. I had good memories when I loved him. Even if I got hurt, love once existed and did make things different.
Sidle: Love is so useful?
Sara: … Enm? ...
Sidle: You couldn't get something, such as good memories, even after love.
Sara: … So you mean I can love anyone if I want love, your kind of love?
Sidle: You have answered for me from the very beginning.
Sara: …
Sidle: Opportunity and preference.
Sara: What?
Sidle: He fixes both the opportunity and the preference condition.
Sara: What opportunity and preference?
Sidle: Among the people you associate, he is the most appropriate one, the one to put on your love.
Sara: What the hell are you talking! First you query my love and then you query my love for him?
Sidle: No. First I query what is love and now I query what is your love for him.
Sara: That's to say, you are querying why I love him, not anyone else?
Sidle: Yes. Why do you think you love him?
Sara: He is special to me.
Sidle: What kind of special ness？
Sara: I feel different when I'm with him, talking with him, working with him.
Sidle: What can you feel when you are with him?
Sara: Satisfied, safe and understanding.
Sara: About what?
Sara: My life, my living in the world.
Sidle: Your work?
Sara: Part of.
Sidle: Your personal conception?
Sara: Part of,
Sidle: Your emotional tendency? … Likes and dislikes?
Sara: Part of.
Sidle: Your bad memory?
Sara: part of. He is the only one who knows my past outside the involved people.
Sidle: How did he get to know?
Sara: I told him.
Sidle: Have you told someone else about your bad past?
Sara: No.
Sidle: How about your work or your hobbies?
Sara: Yeah. I work and share interests with people. That's part of life and common.
Sidle: But sharing you bad memories is not part of your life and is not a common thing.
Sara: That's personal.
Sidle: So Griss is the only one you find who could share your bad memories?
Sara: No. I have my PEAP.
Sidle: What's the difference between Griss and your PEAP?
Sara: PEAP is doctor; Griss is friend.
Sidle: PEAP is not emotional involved; Griss is.
Sara: Griss is reliable. I trust him; and that's why I told him my past.
Sidle: You don't trust anyone else about your past?
Sara: I need time.
Sidle: If you get enough time, would you love the next person who you could trust on your past?
Sara: Of course not! He gives me unique feeling.
Sidle: What unique felling? I thought you've mentioned them in my former question.
Sara: … Well, I have no idea where your question will lead to. He is the one I believe I could trust on my love.
Sidle: He won't betray?
Sara: He never say something to me and never show his feeling to me. I don't know how to call it betray?
Sidle: Have you been betrayed before?
Sara: Yes.
Sidle: So you would only love one won't betray people? And he is that type.
Sara: … You go to hell!
(Sara shut the door sharply and left Sidle alone with an innocent face.)
I don't know whether it is a good idea to write this fic; just write it out. PLS let me know your opinion.
Brain records everything: consciousness, unconsciousness and the struggle between.
Thank you so much for everyone who R&R!