Hermione and Smudger were so deep in conversation that they barely noticed when Severus came to join them. She jumped when a heavy arm was placed round her shoulder, and a face was thrust between them, which said, "What are you two up to then?"
"Plotting," she said sweetly. It was, after all, the truth.
"That'sh good."
She realised, with a sense of disappointment, that Severus was pished again. Judging from the smirks of some of The Lads, they'd been either egging him on, or even spiking his drinks. She took his pint glass from him and sniffed at the contents. Nothing obvious. She took a swig and nearly choked. Brandy! The devious little sods had been slipping him brandy.
She gave them all a very hard glare, and they shuffled their feet and looked shamefaced, which was about as convincing from them as it was from Harry and Ron, and she didn't have the luxury of grasping this lot by their ears and giving them a dressing down.
Give it a couple of evenings like this, and the temptation would be almost unbearable. They all, very clearly, needed Taking In Hand.
"Right, come on you. It's time we were heading off," she said to an increasingly affectionate Severus, who was now winding himself round her like honeysuckle round a trellis. Something that would have given him fits in a more sober frame of mind, but which she found oddly touching. If drink revealed the true nature of a person, Severus Snape was a bit of a soppy git.
He allowed himself to be hauled off with one last smirk at The Lads.
Severus was also an affectionate drunk. Hermione's indignant protests that his breath stank were stifled as he kissed her in the alley. She wasn't sure whether it was the brandy or his abilities, but when he finally raised his head she was feeling decidedly wobbly and very keen that they should apparate back to Hogwarts as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, the chill of the Scottish night air seemed to make him more drunk, if that was possible, and she found herself first steadying him, then half carrying him back to his rooms.
"You were getting on very well with Smudger. You didn't like any of them better than me?" he asked anxiously as they crossed the threshold. "Because you're my girlfriend, and you're supposed to like me the best."
"I didn't like any of them better than you." They'd reached the bed by now, and she was trying to get him to let go, but he was clinging on for grim death.
"They were all jealous of me, because I had a girlfriend. They said you were pretty. You are pretty."
"Thank you Severus. That's very nice. But don't you think it was time you were in bed?"
"Oooh," he leered. "You're frisky tonight. Sounds fun though," and with that he collapsed onto the bed taking her with him, then performed a complicated manoeuvre which ended up with her pinned to the bed under him. He then promptly fell asleep, leaving Hermione feeling more than a little cheated.
She couldn't manage to free herself from the human octopus that was Severus Snape. She was his favourite teddy bear and his human hot water bottle all rolled into one package, and he wasn't letting go. If she managed to remove an arm, then a leg would move over her; if she managed to remove a leg, then a hand would come up to pat her head and he would mumble something in his sleep.
In the end, she succumbed to the inevitable, wriggled around to get more comfortable, and disposed herself for sleep. Severus gave another contented mumble, and snuggled up to her. "Severus Snape," she said softly, "I am going to make you pay for this." She dropped a kiss on his cheek, closed her eyes, and drifted off.
Hermione was still clutched to a sleeping Severus when she woke the next day. Her arm had gone to sleep, and the air was filled with muttered cursing as she tried to massage some life back into it.
It didn't disturb Severus.
Hermione poked him in the ribs. It was a rather forceful prod, all things considered, as she was still feeling rather aggrieved about the Night before, or rather the distinct lack of a Night before. Her prodding had the desired effect, and Severus began to stir. First a hand twitched, and then tentatively explored its surroundings, until it had clearly established that Severus was not alone.
An eye opened and regarded her with surprise, and then softened into lazy contentment. Despite her determination to make him Suffer for his many and varied sins, she couldn't help returning his smile, and of course one thing led to another and before she knew it she was returning his caresses.
It may not be conducive to Good Discipline to have given in so easily, but it would have been ill-mannered to attempt to discuss anything at a time like that.
And besides, he really was rather good.
Make that exceptionally good.
Afterwards they lay melted together in a boneless heap of contentment and Hermione simultaneously wondered how long an interval she had to wait before she could ask for a repeat performance, whether he might be might be agreeable to some of the more interesting ideas she had had, and could she have a cup of tea in the meantime, because she was parched.
She was a girl and therefore capable of thinking several, complex thoughts at once. Severus on the other hand, being a boy, wasn't really thinking anything more complicated than Feel Good.
He'd found something that he liked doing more than a night out with The Lads.
Which made him think of Smudger, and how Hermione had spent an awfully long time talking to him last night.
"Hermione?" he said, semi-plaintively. "What were you talking about with Smudger last night?"
"I told you, plotting."
"Oh." He continued twining her hair round a finger. "What about?"
"The usual: ending the rule of evil and bringing about world peace. I'll tell you about it this afternoon."
"Will that include getting rid of Dumbledore?" he muttered darkly.
"Of course, dear. Have you known me be less than thorough?"
"Well, I do think you may have missed a bit earlier." Severus raised an eyebrow meaningfully.
"I hardly think so," Hermione said. "But if you need reminding….." and she went to work with a will.
Several hectic hours later – she even managed to fit in a restorative cup of tea – Hermione was luxuriating in a hot bath in Severus' quarters, whilst he dealt with the Annoyance that was Albus.
She took advantage of her time in the bath to ponder tactics, in between thinking fondly of that morning's activities. Smudger had been obliging enough to give her a complete rundown on the Death Eater side of things, now all she needed was to know what on earth Dumbledore thought he was playing at. This meant she would have to make the ultimate sacrifice and have tea with Minerva, and listen to hours of gushing about how wonderful Albus was.
Then all she needed to do was get Harry and Ron on board – you couldn't ignore the fact that one was the Instrument of Prophecy, and the other was the Best Friend of the Instrument of Prophecy – and then devise a plan. She would then have to let the boys think that they had thought of it first, and then it would be a simple matter of putting it into effect.
Satisfied that she was more than half way to solving the Wizarding World's problems – the trick was to break each task down into little steps, and work out how to achieve each one – she dried herself off, wrapped herself in Severus' second best dressing gown and prepared to sneak back to her rooms.
She was fortunate not to be seen by any children – doubtless all heading off to Hogsmeade and as many sweets as one small person could consume in a two hour period – before letting herself into her rooms and falling onto the bed in an untidy heap.
She spent fully half an hour smiling broadly idiotically at the ceiling before she managed to pull herself together. There was a Wizarding World to be saved, and it wouldn't be sorted out by lolling around on the bed.
Clothes, that's what she needed. Clothes, and then a note to Minerva.
Minerva, it seemed, was free for tea. Minerva was free for tea because Severus was still ensconced in a meeting with Albus. Minerva wasn't really very happy with Albus, because he'd promised to take her out to Diagon Alley for lunch.
Normally, Hermione would only listen with one ear to the latest difficulties in their ongoing relationship. There was only a certain amount of wrinkly sex one could bear having outlined without wanting to run screaming from the room. It wasn't that she couldn't see the attraction of an older man, but at least Severus was firm in all the right places. And the arse was undoubtedly as magnificent to the touch as it looked.
Oops. Drooling over the tea table wasn't likely to encourage confidences. Mind back on the job.
Albus was a pig. Albus was inconsiderate. Albus was a two-faced lying bastard.
Well, that was all true, but what on earth had caused the scales to fall away from Minerva's eyes. Rather worried that asking that question would lead to more revelations of a wrinkly sexual nature, Hermione took her courage in her hands, and asked.
Minerva huffed, and then prepared to unburden herself to a nominally sympathetic ear. "I don't know Hermione, something seems to have changed. He spent years chasing me, and persuading me to go out with him, and he was wonderful and considerate and romantic. We've been going out for a couple of years now, and last Valentine's day he proposed."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know that; you've been keeping that very quiet."
Minerva nodded, and took another sip of tea. "Yes, he didn't want the news getting out before the little matter with He-who-must-not-be-named was dealt with. He said he didn't want to make me a target. Now I'm wondering. He seems to have gone right off the idea."
"Have you tried talking to him about it?"
"Of course." Minerva sighed. "But you know how slippery he can be. There's always a staff meeting, or an Order meeting, or a Severus meeting. I mean, how long can it take for Severus to tell Albus that nothing particularly exciting happened last night? Nothing did, did it?"
Hermione shrugged. "Not as far as I know. I didn't go to the main meeting, but to what you might call a post-meeting party. I think we picked up some useful information though."
"And they treated you well? I must say, I was very worried when Albus told me that you'd agreed to go with Severus."
Hermione pondered quite how much to tell Minerva. The entire truth was out of the question, but if planning and plotting were to take place, Minerva may well have a useful part to play. It would be useful if they didn't have to spend a couple of hours going through the 'no, they weren't as bad as all that' arguments first. "I think there is a fair amount of dissatisfaction in the ranks of The Lads, one way or another. They weren't going to open up to a strange Mudblood on my first visit, but I did get the feeling that there could be a chance to persuade them that there might be other opportunities available to them. Severus has managed to do a wonderful job of keeping them out of the trouble."
"The Lads?"
"That's what Severus calls them."
Minerva gave her a curious glance. "Severus, eh?"
Hermione was carefully bland when she said, "Of course we're on first name terms now. It's difficult pretending to be someone's Pet if you're calling them Professor Snape."
Minerva gave an undignified snort. "Come off it. No one goes around with that dopey expression if they haven't been up to something a little more friendly than being on first name terms." Her smile faded, and her tone became more serious. "Oh, my dear, he's not pulling the same trick on you is he? Asking you to keep it secret, because if he is…."
Hermione shook her head. "I don't think so. We haven't really talked about it, we've barely had a chance to, but I doubt he wants to keep it a secret from anyone. Although it might be better if Albus didn't find out, for various reasons."
"Well he won't hear it from me, Hermione. We're barely talking as it is, and frankly I wouldn't give him the steam off my piss at the moment."
Hermione spat tea all down her front, and spent the next five minutes dabbing ineffectually at herself with an accio'd cloth, whilst bitterly complaining about Minerva's inappropriate language. "For god's sake, Minerva. You're deputy Headmistress, the Head of Gryffindor, and should be setting me a good example. I don't expect to hear language like that from you!"
Minerva was slightly repentant. "Well," she said, a little sheepish, "he bloody deserves it."
"I'm not saying he doesn't; just, can we keep announcements like that for occasions when my mouth isn't full of scalding tea?"
"I wouldn't have expected the girl who called Draco Malfoy a workshy little shit with the style of an alligator, and who would be vastly improved by being turned into a pair of shoes so you could have the pleasure of walking all over him every day, to be quite so mealy-mouthed," sniffed Minerva. "And you can wipe that smirk off your face; you've clearly been spending far too much time with Severus."
Hermione's smirk broadened.
"That good?" Minerva asked, a little wistfully.
"Better, much better," Hermione replied smugly.
"Do you know what? I think we deserve something a little stronger than tea. I can drown my sorrows and you can celebrate."
"Bloody good idea Minerva."
When Severus finally escaped from Albus and made his way to Hermione's room he was surprised – and disappointed - to see Minerva was there. He was even more surprised to see that both of them were somewhat squiffy.
"You know, you really shouldn't be drinking in the afternoon," he said severely. "What if Albus were to find out?"
"Bugger Albus," Minerva said firmly.
Hermione and Severus both winced at that mental picture.
"Do I take it that you two have had a falling out," asked Severus, accepting a glass of firewhiskey with poor grace: if you couldn't beat them, join them.
Minerva treated to Severus to a lengthy and scurrilous rundown of the failings of Albus Dumbledore.
"I'll take that as a yes, then," Severus said, rolling his eyes.
Minerva took refuge in another glass of firewhiskey; she was hurt by his lack of sympathy, and said so.
"Apparently," Hermione put in, "Albus promised to marry Minerva when this was all over, and is now trying to wriggle out of it."
"The bastard. The absolute sodding bastard." Severus rose from his chair in indignation and began pacing backwards and forwards in the admittedly limited space, swearing all the while.
"I notice you don't tell him off for swearing," Minerva said to Hermione.
"Well I expect it from him," she replied. "Not to mention the fact he looks bloody sexy when he's all excited like that."
Minerva cast an assessing eye over Severus, then shrugged. "If you say so dear. I can't see it myself."
"I'm glad to hear it," replied Hermione firmly. "Because I'd hate to have to hex you."
"When," came Severus' acerbic tones, "you two ladies have finished talking amongst yourselves, I would be grateful if I could have your attention. We have a serious problem here."
"I'm touched that you're so upset on my behalf," said Minerva. "But really Severus, I think you're over-reacting. I expect it's just cold feet, and I'll be able to get him sorted out once He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is finally sorted out."
Severus took several deep breaths, clearly hanging on to his temper by his fingernails. "I am talking about the fact that Albus has passed up several good chances to take out His Lordship, apparently because he has entered into a betrothal that he now regrets."
There was horrified silence from Minerva as she put the final pieces into the jigsaw, and came up with an unattractive picture. "The bastard," she hissed. "The absolute sodding bastard."
"I've already said that," snapped Severus.
"You can't deny it's worth saying twice," Hermione pointed out. He grunted. "So the question is, what are we going to do about it?"
"Well what can we do about it?" asked Minerva reasonably. "It's not like I've ever been to that many Order meetings – Albus always made me stay at Hogwarts in case of emergency. I don't think they'd take me seriously if I tipped up to the next meeting and accused Albus of being a bastard."
"And they've never liked me anyway, so they won't listen to me," sulked Severus. "Especially that precious Potter. It's hopeless."
"I agree that Albus has a stranglehold on the Order, but why do we need to use them anyway?" asked Hermione with great patience; the answer seemed so obvious to her. "Obviously we need to get Harry on side, but you can leave that to me. As for the rest I think The Lads may provide us with the help that we need."
"The Lads?" Severus scoffed. "They wouldn't help anyone unless there was something in it for them."
"Exactly." Hermione smiled. "All we need to do is come up with a plan that allows them to get rid of His Lordship safely, and lets them come out smelling of roses. Easy."
"I propose a toast," said Minerva, holding her glass up. "To defeating the Dark Lord, double-crossing Albus, and The Lads."
"The Lads," chorused Severus and Hermione.