Ask Me What It's Like to Never Win

By: Leelei

Disclaimer: I don't own Code:Lyoko. This story was written before airing of Season 2 began.

Author's Note: Last one! Thank you all so much for all of your reviews along the way. Coming from writing this story in March, beginning to post it in April, leaving the fandom over the summer, returning to it in September, then finishing this now, I've realized what a crazy year this has been. But thank you again for sticking with this through it all, I really appreciate your time. : ) I hope you enjoy the ending!

Chapter 13

Every day is the worst day of my life. People generally lead content lives with only interruptions of being upset, but now I realize that I have always lived my life being upset with only few exceptions of feeling happy.

I was expelled from Kadic High three days after stabbing Jeremie. The teachers and administrators all held a meeting and called my parents in to speak with and tell them their decision. I heard my mom had burst into tears when they let her know. I guess she really wanted me to have a good education…I guess I always did, too, but oh well. I can't change that now.

I woke up in the hospital, a separate one from Jeremie I later learned. I guess that I had passed out and the police couldn't wake me when they took me downtown. But once the doctors gave the okay that I was in a stable physical condition, they finally took me to the police station. But now that that's all over, I have to live with my parents again until my court hearing.

Today is the last day that I'm ever allowed back on the premises of Kadic High. Two police officers escort me in early this morning just as the first late bell is about to ring to signal the beginning of class for the day. It feels weird being here and not actually going to school.

I look over to my right as I'm walking towards my old dorm building, with the officers following closely behind me, and I see Jeremie, as much as it plagues me, moving cautiously across the schoolyard on crutches and with a large cast over his wounded leg. Aelita is also walking slowly next to him, carrying his books along with her own. They're going to English, I can remember, which is where I should be right now.

I see Jeremie wince as he tries to walk with his crutches again and Aelita moves her hand to help support him. He looks to her and smiles as he stops. He takes a hold of her hand and she smiles sweetly in return. Then they kiss, ever so gently, him showing just how much he appreciates her love and care.

But now they've both returned to going to class and have just noticed me. They're glaring at me again as the officers hurry me by. It's a different glare, though, than the ones they have shown me before. Now they seem to be saying, "Look what you've done, loser. Happy now?"

I can feel the tears straining my eyes again. I won't cry, but now I realize the severity of everything that has happened. I lost the girl that I truly loved, and now I've done something so wicked that I will never have a chance with her again.

At least the officers have the decency to stand outside of my room as I pack my things in the boxes the principal sent up for me. It's a painful task, but I slowly make progress after I notice the time and then look out the window to see what a beautiful day it seems to be.

When I'm nearly finished with my job, the bell rings for second period. After the late bell for it sounds, my door quietly opens and one of the police officers appears. "You have a visitor," he says, pushing the door back all the way. "Just make sure you leave this open."

My eyes widen as I see Sissi walk in. She looks nice, wearing a short white skirt and a tiny pink colored shirt. It must still be a decent day outside, but then again, she never passes on an opportunity nowadays to wear a skimpy outfit like that. "Herb?" she calls to me softly as she walks in.

I stand from where I'm packing a box of my clothes and turn to face her. "Hello," I reply, still a little in shock to see her. "Aren't you supposed to be in class now?"

"I have a study hall second period," she replies. "And I…I wanted to come say good-bye before you left. The principal didn't want me to come up here…but all I needed was a call from the superintendent to fix that." She slowly smiles and I manage to smirk. She always was a daddy's girl.

"Well…thanks for coming," I manage to say. It's so weird…this is all so weird. I never would have imagined it to end like this.

"I…" she says, looking down to her high-heeled sandals. "I, uh…couldn't just let you leave like this."

For a second, I think I see a shred of sympathy showing through her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know…we hung out for all that time back in junior high," she answers. "You, uh…were really a big part of my life then."

I want to smile, but in my current state, I can't think of an even halfway fitting response. "Yeah, but not anymore, I guess."

"Hey," she speaks up again, now a little perturbed at my cold response. "I know that times are different now, but that doesn't change the fact that I once couldn't go a day without you following me around."

"Yes," I reply. "Once."

"Look, I came by here to do you a favor." She puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes at me, looking and sounding just like she did in those said times.

"Really? Well thanks a lot," I say frigidly, not being able to help my reaction as I kick my box aside, pulling another off the bed. "I have to finish this packing," I mumble.

But then her features soften, I can see before I return my attention back to the chore. It's a good solid few minutes later until she speaks again, this time more quiet than ever. "Herb…why did you do it?" I look back to her, expecting to see that ignorant, rude look on her face, but instead she has an expression of pure innocence, matching her light tone. "Why?"

I want to hug her. I want to hold her in my arms, like I yearned to so long ago, but I also want to scream at her until she goes away. I don't know…I guess my feelings are just so mixed up right now, I can't come up with a normal reaction for her. "Draw your own conclusions, Sissi," I say in a harsher tone than she deserves.

But then, like I've fallen into some kind of dream world again, I lose all feeling and just can't hold my emotions in anymore. In a rage, I drop my attitude and it all spills out for once. "I…I just couldn't take it anymore! I wanted her, Sissi, but…but she has Jeremie! That fucking bastard," my voice is bubbling with anger, "All he wants her for are his grades and to have in his bed." Sissi's eyes bulge slightly at this statement. "And I…I just…I just needed to have her for myself!"

Sissi tilts her head slightly, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. It's another few moments before she responds again. "Do…do you love Aelita?"

I can't reply right away. I'm just too choked up to respond after all of that. She continues in such a normal tone that's almost comforting to all of my anger and pain, "Herb, I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, yeah, Aelita's been Jeremie's girlfriend for like, what? Forever? But they've never slept together, if that's what you're ruining your life over."

I can feel my facial features let go of their unbelievable tightness. "They…they haven't?"

"No," she states simply. "Aelita is a virgin."

"How do you know?" My expression goes right back to hardening again.

Sissi sighs from annoyance as she rolls her eyes and folds her arms, all seemingly at what she implies, "I know because she's in my health class and the teacher practically bows down to her every time she walks in the room." Then she starts to use a mocking tone in her voice. "He's just so damn proud to hear that she's still 'pure' in today's corrupt world. Then he gives her all this extra credit to read her boring ass chastity and abstinence speeches in front of the class."

I can feel the wonder flooding through me. I should be happy at hearing that Jeremie hasn't ruined my angel yet, but the knowledge feels as if it's a sweet poison surging into my heart. I suddenly feel so confused. Aelita isn't my angel anymore, but am I supposed to be relieved to know that all of those things I thought she and Jeremie did didn't happen? Even after everything she did to me? …Or, after everything I did to her…

My mind diverts back to what Sissi was saying. Well, if she really is a virgin, then what the hell was she doing that night with Jeremie in his room? "And how do you know that isn't all just a lie?" I ask.

Sissi folds her arms and rolls her eyes again. "Herb, does that little priss ever lie?"

Sure she does. I can tell you a pretty good story right now, Sissi. But I don't. She won't believe me. I have no damn evidence anyway… I lose the will to continue the conversation -to even look at her- so I turn back to continue my packing. Learning all of that just then was…well, it was a lot of information to take in at once.

There's another long pause before Sissi speaks up. But, she's innocent once again. I realize now that, aside from my questions and statements that brought about her catty remarks, she really is here for another reason. "Herb…" she calls my name quietly, sounding almost as if her tone is sad and seems to be begging. "Please, tell me. Do you love Aelita?"

I stand up from where I was stooping down to tuck away a shirt in my last box. I try not to look at Sissi, knowing that her blameless countenance might break my heart again. "…I did."

Now I know that if this was the end of our conversation, I actually do wantto see her one last time. Turning to face her, I stand feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, but then feeling loved. She cared enough to come here to speak to me, without her clique, without her frivolity, without her slyness, her stupidity, or her selfish greed. She came to me…as a friend.

Through the opened window in the room I can hear a small moving truck pull up to the building. I have to leave and to leave all of this behind. Looking back to Sissi after forcing myself to check my watch, I gaze at her features one last time.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out for you," she says softly. I swear I can see the glimmer of a tear in her eye.

"So am I," is my response as I pick up a closed box from the floor and walk past her to the doorway. "So am I…"

The End

Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of me. ;D I hope to have some new stories posted soon, and I'd love it if you guys would check them out. Thank you again, and I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving break!