AN: Linnzi, thanks girl! Lilas, yeah, we've got Shep in a place where he needs to come to terms with this whole thing. And the next part is going to be some good McShep interaction. Highonscifi, I'm glad we hooked you into the story, the 'I couldn't stop reading' is always a good sign. Emrys, I'll be your excuse. You go ahead and tell them it was all my fault (evil grin), but falling asleep in chemistry lab, you might want to stay awake for that, or you might wind up with blue shoes or singed hair! Jules, it's no doubt that Shep really has no inkling about the true emotional toll this is going to take. Harper's pixie, we're going to be letting information about the bond filter into parts as it goes. It's unique in the galaxy, and as we all know, unique is - hmmm, good? Laura, Shep needs to be confronted to face his feelings, but you are right, he's very private and the situation is not leaving him with much in the way of control, and his 'little problem' is affecting everything, so he's going to have to learn a measure of having things 'out there' for his friends to see, and he's going to need them more than ever! Titan, thanks so much for telling us, because we thrive on hearing it. It's miracle gro for the fingers. And now, we are all 'caught up', but we're trying to ping-pong our parts back in a timely manner so updates won't be that far in between unless personal crisis, mayhem or murder ensue at our homes!
NOT THE DADDY...part 10
Pregnancy clock: 3 months, 2 weeks
For a long moment both John and Beckett were silent, simply listening to the rapid heartbeat that signified the baby that Dreya carried. The baby that John was bonded with in ways that defied science and medicine in every conceivable way and means. But John could not deny the reality of what he was hearing. It took his breath away and John started feeling lightheaded until the nurse hovering on his other side whispered,
"That's incredible..."
It was incredible but hearing her say that shook John out of his shock and he shoved Beckett's hand away, sitting up and swiping the gel off his stomach with one hand and trying to do up his pants with the other. He didn't do well with either achievement and cursed as he pushed himself off the table. Cursed again when his injured shoulder twinged. His self-imposed isolation had been a good thing as far as recovery from his injury was concerned, but he still wasn't completely healed and John bit back a moan as his shoulder started throbbing with pain.
Carson was by his side in an instant. "Easy, Colonel. Take it easy and let me have a look."
"Get the fuck away from me!" John snarled, pushing at Beckett with his good hand. He suddenly felt suffocated and he needed to get out of here. He needed to be alone. So he dodged around the doctor and the nurse and ran for the door. He heard Beckett calling after him and ignored him. John fled into the nearest transporter and only when he was inside and on the move did he manage to button up his pants. His knees buckled and he slid to the floor, chest heaving as he tried to suck breath into lungs that felt constricted. John hadn't expected to feel this way. He wasn't prepared for this and he was pretty damn sure he never would be. He knew Heightmeyer and Weir and Teyla believed that talking would help but John knew better. He had never been one to talk about his feelings. He had been a private person even as a child. He didn't want to share this. He wanted this whole thing to just disappear as if it never had been.
The transporter doors slid open and John pushed up to his feet and stumbled out. He realized he was in the corridor that led to his room and he ran there, needing to take refuge in solitude once more. Making his way to the bed, John curled up on his good side, arms wrapped around a pillow, as he tried to will himself into sleep. He wanted the oblivion. But all he could hear in his head was the whush-whush sound of the baby's heartbeat. John hugged the pillow tighter. He was so very very fucked.
oOo
Teyla sought him out.
John had managed to fall asleep but he woke up when he heard a familiar voice calling his name. He thought open his door and let Teyla enter. "Beckett send you?" he croaked out as he shifted into a sitting position. Surprisingly, other than feeling groggy and cotton-mouthed, John didn't feel so bad.
"He was concerned," Teyla allowed. "How are you feeling?"
"Confused," John confessed, then he resisted the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. He wasn't one to make such confessions and he blamed it all on his blasted connection to Dreya. "Tell Beckett I'm fine and I promise I won't hide in here."
Teyla nodded then asked, "Are you hungry?"
John realized he was starving. "I could eat," he agreed, sliding off the bed. "Let me shower and we can get some chow."
"Take your time," Teyla said, as she moved to sit in his desk chair.
"Won't take but a minute," John countered, snagging jeans and a tee shirt and a pair of striped boxers before heading into the bathroom. He stripped then stepped into the shower and relaxed into the hot spray. After a moment he washed his hair, scrubbed his body then rinsed and stepped out to dry off. Didn't take long for him to get dressed, brush his teeth and towel dry his hair. After combing his fingers through the damp strands, John was ready to go.
Teyla was making the bed and she looked up and smiled. "You look more yourself," she commented.
John accepted her words in the nature they were given. "Feel more myself," he said softly. "No nausea and food actually sounds good. Hey...maybe after we eat we could do a little work out?" John felt himself getting excited at the prospect until he got a look at Teyla's face. She looked worried and when she saw him staring she shook her head.
"You are still not fully healed, Colonel," Teyla countered. "And you're body is going through the added stress of your bonding with Dreya."
"I know that," John shot back, his tone a bit too sharp but he felt irritated by the fact that everyone was treating him like he was suddenly something fragile. Like he might break. "I was thinking you could teach me some of those meditation exercises. The one's I told you remind me of Tai Chi."
Teyla's expression relaxed and she smiled. "Perhaps we could do that," she said. "If Doctor Beckett approves."
John sighed and bit back a retort. He knew that Teyla was just looking out for what she believed to be his best interests. "Look...after we eat you ask him, okay?" That was as much of a compromise as John was going to give.
"I can do that," Teyla agreed. "Are you ready to go?"
"Sure." John started for the door but stopped and pointed at the bed. "You didn't have to do that, but thank you."
Teyla smiled, warm and bright. "You are welcome," she said, as she touched his shoulder before stepping past him and out of the room.
John followed, a smile curving his own lips. Maybe things would slip back into what passed for normal in Atlantis. If only for a little while.
oOo
"Juice?"
John jumped at the question, not realizing Elizabeth had joined him on the balcony. It had become his favorite refuge. He Stood up and faced her with a smile before staring at the glass of orange juice she was holding out to him. "Um...you brought me juice?"
Elizabeth nodded. "Carson told me it's good for you."
"I'm not pregnant!" John snapped, and he realized his new - default - setting was; exasperated.
"I know," Elizabeth said quietly, still holding out the glass.
John took it, heaved a sigh, then took a sip. He was pleased when his stomach didn't recoil. "Sorry for snapping at you."
Elizabeth smiled. "That's okay. It's a hormonal thing." She held up a hand to forestall his reply. "John...like it or not, you are experiencing what it's like to be pregnant. You can't pretend otherwise, so you need to find a way to accept it. I want to help you do that."
"I appreciate the offer but...I've accepted it and I'm dealing so please don't push...okay?" John knew he was coming dangerously close to begging, but he was getting desperate.
"I'll try." It was Elizabeth's way of compromising. "Carson told me you heard the baby's heartbeat."
John stiffened then he sat down before his knees could buckle. The sound of the baby's heartbeat haunted him. "It was weird," he whispered.
Elizabeth moved to sit beside him. "I imagine it was. But I'm guessing that it was also kind of...cool?"
"The word you're looking for is freaky," John said, emphatically. He set the juice aside, pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his good arm around them. "Only in the Pegasus galaxy," he mumbled beneath his breath.
"Would you rather be back on Earth?" Elizabeth queried.
John considered her question, seriously. "No...Atlantis is home now. But I didn't sign up for this." He turned his head to meet her sympathetic gaze and that gave him pause. He didn't want her sympathy. Hell, John wasn't even sure he wanted her understanding. It struck him, suddenly, that he was rather resentful of the fact that she was dealing with this situation better than he was. "I have work to do," John muttered, rising to his feet. He didn't give Elizabeth time to respond, he simply strode out the door with no real place to go. There was no where he could run, or hide, from this.
John had never felt more trapped in his life.
oOo
"Step on the scale, son."
John winced at Beckett's request and actually took a step away from the device. "Is this really necessary?" he asked.
Carson turned to look at him. "Of course it is. It's part of your weekly check up. Now step up."
"Fine!" Glaring at Beckett now, John did as he was told. He didn't look at the numbers because he knew what Beckett would find."
"You're down another pound, Colonel!" Carson sounded grieved. "You've not been following the diet set up for you, have you?"
John could not miss the accusation in Beckett's tone. "I followed the stupid diet!" he snapped. "It's not my fault I keep puking!" With that he stepped off the scale and made to stomp off, only a hand on his arm held him in place.
Carson waited for John to look at him. "I know this is rough on you and I don't mean to add to it. But you've got me worried, Colonel. 'You were a little too lean for my liking from the get go, but now you've slipped over into skinny."
"I'm not skinny!" John protested, vehemently. Sure his clothes didn't fit him at the moment, but it couldn't be helped. If Beckett were any kind of doctor he would have long ago discovered a cure for morning sickness. No matter what time of day it occurred.
"Come with me," Carson said, hauling John along with him. He went into his office and pointed to three cans that were lined up on his desk. "Take your pick, Colonel. Chocolate, vanilla or strawberry?"
John frowned at him. "What?" He gestured at the can, which had generic brown labels. "What are those?"
Carson picked one up and held it out. "Consider them calories in a can. You're going to drink one three times a day until you get some weight back on you. This one is chocolate. Drink up."
"You've got to be kidding me. It's like a protein drink thing, isn't it?" John stared at the can but did not accept it.
"Pretty much," Carson allowed. "Now drink up or I swear I'll hook you up to a feeding tube."
John shuddered at the thought. He knew exactly what that meant after visiting his grandmother in the nursing home when he was a teenager. "Fine!" He grabbed the can and turned to go.
Carson blocked his way. "Drink it now."
"What? You don't trust me?" John was insulted.
"I know you, Colonel," Carson replied with a slight grin. "Now drink up."
John decided it wasn't worth the effort to protest and, realistically, he knew he did need to get some weight back on. So he popped the top, took a swallow, then made a face. "Tastes like chalk."
Carson nodded, his expression displaying sympathy. "Aye...but it's good for what ails you. Drink it all." He touched the bottom of the can and pushed it towards John's mouth.
"I hate this," John muttered, before swallowing the contents as quickly as he could. He fully expected them to come right back up but, miraculously, they stayed down. John, gratefully, accepted the glass of water that Beckett held out and gulped it down. "I don't really have to do this three times a day, do I?"
"Aye...you do." Carson moved to his desk and removed something from the drawer. "I want you to start taking these as well. Prenatal vitamins."
John felt his eyes go wide. "You're kidding!" But he could see, by the look on Beckett's face, that the doctor was deadly serious. "This is insane!" John protested. "I'm neither pregnant nor a woman! When are you people going to get that through your heads?" He was yelling now but he didn't care. He was sick of this and John knew there was no way in hell he was going to be able to deal with it for another five and a half months. No way in hell.
Carson reached out, gripping John by the shoulder. "You can't run away from what's happening to you, Colonel. You know that. If there was a way to break the bond, I would. But we both know there's nothing you can do but see this through."
"Easy for you to say," John grumbled. Then he took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then apologized. "Sorry...I don't mean to take this out on you. It's not your fault, Doc...and I know you're just trying to help me."
"I am," Carson agreed. "And I confess to being worried. I went and talked to Dreya again two days ago and she's doing better than you are. It seems that you're taking on what she would have suffered, so to speak. As if you're channeling the worst of it for her."
John was stunned to hear that. "Is that normal?"
Carson shook his head. "Apparently not. She told me that you're...bond...with her is unique. I think it's because of the gene and the fact that it's more...saturated...in you, so to speak. So this is something entirely new."
"Lucky me." John felt anything but. "Can I go now?"
"I need to finish your check up," Carson protested, but then he relented. "Aye...go ahead and get some rest. Stop back later and we'll finish up." He scooped up the remaining two cans and held them out. "Don't forget...one at lunch and one at suppertime. Along with your regular meals."
John sighed as he accepted the cans, then he left the infirmary. He dumped the cans in his room then wandered about Atlantis until he ended up at the gym. Not surprisingly, Ronon was there working out. John leaned in the doorway and watched for a time. He had just started working out with Ronon when he'd bonded with Dreya, which meant no more workouts. Despite the fact that Ronon had handed him his ass every time, John had enjoyed the challenge. He missed it.
"How are you feeling, Sheppard?"
John blinked to realize that Ronon was standing before him. He must have zoned out for a minute. "I've been better," he allowed.
Ronon nodded, one hand wiping sweat off his face. "Did you want something?"
"Nope...just wandering around feeling sorry for myself." John was a bit surprised by his confession, but he felt secure in being honest with Ronon. The man was blunt and fairly non judgmental, in his own way.
"What happened…it's wrong," Ronon stated. He looked angry. "It's a violation!"
John was surprised by the vehemence in Ronon's tone. "It's a simple case of wrong place at the wrong time," he countered. "Dreya didn't mean any harm." John was surprised by his own defense of her. For the most part he didn't feel particularly charitable towards the woman.
Ronon did not look convinced. "She forced this on you. She knew what would happen and she had no right!"
"Yeah...well...there is that," John conceded. For the past few weeks he had been very angry at Dreya, mostly when he was hunched over the toilet puking his guts out. Lately he felt angry at the world in general. But right now John realized he was too tired to be angry. He just wanted this to be over. "Can't change what happened," he muttered.
"She should be punished for what she did to you!" Ronon snarled.
John stared at him in surprise. "Whoa...chill out, big guy. She didn't kill anyone. She just...she made a mistake. Who hasn't?" John heard the words coming out of his own mouth and he was stunned by them. He really could not figure out why he was defending Dreya. Man he really was fucked up and confused. "I'm gonna go get something to eat," John said, figuring that Ronon would be able to relate to food. He waved and headed out, totally ignoring the messhall. Instead John headed back to his room. He needed to pee and he was ready for a nap. The peeing thing had long since passed to outright annoying.
Taking the short cut to his room, John stepped out of the transporter and a moment later he was home. So to speak. He took care of business, splashed cold water on his face then realized he was actually too tired to nap. Too restless. So he decided to seek out Rodney. McKay was always good for a distraction. Only when John reached the lab, it was empty save for Zelenka. So John did an abrupt about face. The Czech had been hounding him to keep a diary and he wasn't the only one interested in every detail of his daily life since the bonding. But no way in hell was John going to let himself become some type of scientific experiment.
Sadly, he wasn't fast enough and Zelenka spotted him.
"Colonel...please to wait!" the Czech called out.
"Shit..." John hissed beneath his breath, before turning around to face the smaller man. He couldn't quite force a smile as Zelenka reached him. "Something I can do for you?" he asked, through gritted teeth.
Zelenka grinned. "No...nothing. I wished only to ask how you are doing? I will not make fun of you today...I promise."
John arced an eyebrow. "Only today?" he prompted.
"We see how tomorrow goes," Zelenka allowed, his eyes glittering with mirth, but with warmth as well. "Truly, colonel...how are you feeling?"
"Hungry." It was out before John could stop it and he realized he felt like he was starving. But it wasn't an empty kind of starving so much as a craving kind of feeling. "I have this urge for peanut butter."
Zelenka looked surprise. "We have peanut butter now. The Daedalus brought several cases."
John made a face. "Yeah...of the smooth stuff. I prefer the crunchy kind."
"I might be able to help you with that," Zelenka drawled. "Please to come to my room. But you must keep this secret, Colonel. Especially from Rodney."
"I won't say a word," John replied, as he followed Zelenka out of the lab.
An hour later he left Zelenka's room feeling overly stuffed on crackers and crunchy peanut butter, and still laughing over some of the Czech's dirty jokes. By now John felt tired enough to sleep for about twelve hours and he was a bit unsteady on his feet. Stifling a yawn behind one hand, John stumbled around the corner only to collide with a solid object. His still healing shoulder hit first and pain exploded into his nerve endings and John felt himself turn pale. He bit his lip to hold back a cry, but one escaped as he was thrown back by the impact and hit the wall. Head first. The lights went out and John slid into darkness.
He didn't hear Rodney's panicked cries for help.
THE END...of part 10