" ER/Stand part 15 "
" Hey Doug, wake up. It's almost eight thirty." Doug almost
snarled at the bright cheery voice that was accompanying the
gentle shake of his sleeping bag.
" Go away..." he muttered finally. He wasn't in the mood for
the morning debate on which cruddy, bumpy secondary back road
they should take. As far as he was concerned it didn't matter as
long as it got them closer to their goal. All of the roads were
crap, it didn't matter which one they took because no matter what
road they were on, they still ended up detouring around wrecks
and traffic jams. Another day of tooling around at a cool ten to
thirty miles an hour held no appeal. Besides, he had a cold. A
bad cold. Jeanie had gotten over hers after almost a week but not
before she had infected him with it. He'd been all right for a
few days but now he was stuffed up. Stuffed up and hung over.
" We're getting ready to go. " It was Lucy again, and when
she was bright and cheery in the morning, he was reminded just
how young Lucy was. " Come on..."
" That's not going to work," said a new voice. Suddenly Doug
felt several sharp stinging blows to his back.
" What the hell are you doing?" He sat up and threw off the
sleeping bag, wincing just a little at his sudden pounding
headache. Randi was standing next to Lucy, brandishing a large
stick. She prodded him with it.
" I'm whacking you out of the sack. We're getting ready to
go. Get your drunk ass up." With that, she stomped off toward the
row of motorcycles. Wonderful, Doug mused as he crawled out of
his sleeping bag, what a fun start to the day.
" Is there any coffee?" he asked Lucy as he rolled up his
bag. He needed something. He had hardly sleep the night before
and even the liquor he was quaffing hadn't prevented what little
sleep he did get to be filled with nightmares. If he wasn't
dreaming about Carol, his dreams revolved around his being chased
by a dark faceless man. A man that he knew instinctively was
evil, but compelling just the same. Sometimes he plied Doug with
offers, sometimes he made threats. He would say that he wanted a
doctor for his people, but somehow Doug sensed that his position
would less doctoring and more of a medical torturer. The dark
man, Flagg, had his people gathering in Las Vegas, he knew that,
and Doug was often left with the sinking sensation that his
dreams were telling him his future. Oh, not in exact detail, that
would be crazy, but he sensed that what little real civilized
behavior they had was going to be worn away by the situation.
" There's still some left. No breakfast though, unless you
want some Twinkies." Lucy gestured to the remains of the fire
they had lit the night before. Her brow screwed up with concern.
She kicked his empty bottle of scotch away. " Doug, you need to
get a grip. You're drinking too much."
Yes, he thought, she actually said I'm drinking too much. "
Lucy it's none of your business."
" It is when you're slowing every one up. " She frowned at
him. " You know, we understand that you're grieving. I'm sorry
about Carol. We all are sorry but we need you to pull yourself
out of this. "
" Lucy..." he said tiredly. She didn't understand, no one
could understand how he felt. He had, after all was said and
done, behaved like a monster towards Carol. She had loved him,
and he had repaid her with what? Indifference at best, scorn and
humiliation at worst. He hadn't deserved her. Towards the end, he
had begged her forgiveness and she had given it with a smile, but
it didn't take away any of the pain in his heart. Part of him
relished the pain, embracing it as his just punishment. The other
part of him, the weak part of him, couldn't stand it. Feeling
numb was better than feeling horrible. The alcohol didn't take
away the bad dreams but it deadened some of the pain. Lucy, with
her youth and cheerful determination to face post-plague life,
couldn't possibly understand. " I'll deal with this the way I
want to." He sneezed for punctuation.
" Fine. We're deciding on where to go for the day. You
might want to join us. " She turned and walked off. Doug
watched her for a moment, and then gathered his gear together. He
made his way to the fire and poured the remains of the coffee
into his mug. He sipped the hot brew and coughed. His sinuses
were clogged and that was making the headache worse. Ok, he
thought as he went over to the cycles, its time to face the daily
map check.
Luka was comparing maps with Kerry. Doug almost smiled as he
realized that indeed, he had missed most of the debate. Luka
smiled at him, but he could see that the younger man was
irritated. Screw him, Doug decided as he drank more of the strong
black coffee, so I slept late. Luka gestured to the maps. " We
have the route set."
" I'm sure its fine." He sipped the coffee again as Kerry
walked over to the truck and the others went to the cycles. It
looked like it was going to be a hot day and he started to look
forward to the prospect of biking. It was cooler anyway. He went
to the cycle he usually rode, but Carter waved him off with a
smirk.
" You have to ride with Kerry. We decided it's your turn."
Carter hopped onto the motorcycle.
" Come on..." Riding with Kerry was tantamount to torture in
his mind. So far he'd been able to avoid it. He suspected that
the others let him out of the task partly because he and Kerry
simply didn't get along, and partly because they didn't trust him
to keep an eye on her. Screw them, he thought, and screw Kerry
for being so damned fucked in the head that no one could stand
being with her for longer than ten seconds at a time. He'd heard
how much fun it was to ride in the truck. " Somebody please
switch with me."
" She hit me with a thermos when I touched the cd player."
Carter said.
" She quizzed me on antibiotics. " Lucy said. " Every one I
got wrong, she made me recite ten times so I would remember it."
" I had to list off all the bones in the human body." Jeanie
smiled as she spoke.
" I'm not listening to classical music for eight hours."
Randi jumped on a bike.
Luka shrugged. " I just prefer riding the motorcycle.
Besides, you sound like you caught Jeanie's cold. You could use
the break. "
He knew when he was defeated. And it was true that he was
sick. He was stuffed up and congested. With any luck, he thought
darkly, I'll get Kerry sick. He strode over to the truck, taking
small pleasure in the fact that he would be able to finish his
cup of coffee. He jumped into the passenger seat, and smirked at
Kerry. " I'm your riding partner today."
" Oh joy." Kerry glared at him. " Are you still drunk from
your bender last night? You did kill an entire bottle of scotch."
" Don't start," he warned.
" I ask, because I don't want you vomiting in the car." She
started the engine. In seconds, they were rolling along. It was a
rather smooth ride. He hated to admit it, but jarring along the
dirt roads hurt after a while. I must be getting old, he thought.
They rode in silence for almost an hour. At first it was
fine but as time wore on, Doug found himself getting not only
bored but irritated. " Are you giving me the silent treatment for
a reason, or is this the latest twist on your nervous breakdown?"
Her hands clenched the wheel. " If I can't throw your
alcohol problem in your face, then my insanity is off limits
too."
At least arguing would kill the time, Doug thought, and it
might get me out ever having to ride with her again. " What the
hell. Kerry, feel free to throw my alcohol problem in my face.
What is your opinion on that topic? I'd like to hear it."
She was silent for a long moment. He had almost given up on
getting an answer when she said, " You're not ready to stop.
You're punishing yourself for living when Carol died. When you
get over feeling guilty, you'll stop, but not before then.
Nothing I say is going to change that." She took her eyes off the
road just for an instant to spare him a glance. " You know I'm
right. There's no point in getting on your case about it. You'll
just ignore any suggestions or offers of help. Why bother having
an argument when you aren't ready to listen."
It wasn't the vitriolic diatribe he expected. What made it
worse was the possibility that she was right. It's time to turn
this around, he decided. If she won't pick a fight, then I
certainly can. " Do I get to comment on your insanity now?"
She shrugged. " As if you haven't already. How many
nicknames do you have for me now?" She smiled cynically. " I have
to admit, I liked Dr. Demento. That'd make a nice vanity plate
for the truck." She was quiet for a moment. " I'm actually a
little surprised that they trust you enough to have you act as my
babysitter."
" So am I." He said it without thinking, and as soon as he
had, he wanted to kick himself. It was not something the others
wanted her to know. He knew there was reason to worry, he still
worried that she would have a dizzy spell and accidently ram the
truck into a telephone pole, but he didn't relish humiliating her
by letting her in on the fact that they did take turns keeping an
eye on her. " I wasn't supposed to tell you that, " he said
finally.
" It's not exactly something I didn't suspect." Kerry said
curtly. " I am insane after all. I'm surprised you don't check to
make sure I'm taking the pills."
There's no point in checking, Doug thought dryly, when it's
so obvious. Getting a rise out of her had been next to impossible
since she started with the meds. " Maybe if you talked about what
happened," he said finally, " they might worry a little less."
" I don't remember what happened." Again, her hands clenched
the wheel. Doug found himself wondering if having that particular
conversation was such a great thing to do while she was driving.
She looked quite pale. " I don't remember it at all, and no one
wants to discuss it."
" He beat you up. With your crutch. You're lucky he didn't
kill you." Telling her what happened wasn't the smartest thing,
but he knew her well enough to know it was eating at her. He
didn't think it was healthy to let her stew over it. " Then, when
he shot Lucy, you shot him in the back, then the head, and then
the back again. Then you went to do charts."
They drove on in silence for a few minutes. " You said you
examined me," Kerry said softly. " Was I raped?"
He looked down at his feet. I really don't want to have this
conversation, he thought. " I don't know. Maybe. It looked that
way, but he could have just beaten you."
" Do you think I was raped? Please be honest." She took a
deep breath. " I need to know."
He looked at her. " Yes, Kerry, I think you were raped. I
hope you weren't, and I can't say for certain, but it looked like
you were raped. Everything about how you were acting and have
been acting tells me that I'm right." He paused. " I'm sorry."
" Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. " She hit the
accelerator as they came onto a clear stretch of road. An ugly
thought struck him, and before he could stop himself, he blurted
it out.
" Kerry, you aren't pregnant are you?"
There was a deathly pause. Then she laughed. " I'm not
pregnant, not as of this morning. I did wonder why I was so happy
to be menstruating."
It was forced humor, even with a raging hang over, he knew
that, but he wanted out of the conversation. " Just think of it
this way. You've evaded the menopause fairy for another month."
" Ha ha very funny." Kerry pointed to the cd player. " Put
some music on."
" I don't like classical." Oddly, he never saw her as that
much of a classical fan either.
" The classical is mostly for Randi. She needs a little
culture. The boy band cds are to annoy Carter with, and the show
tunes drive Kovac and Jeanie nuts. The good stuff is under your
seat.
He reached under, and came up with a handful of cds. " The
Police, Metallica, AC/DC, Bowie.... Tupac? Alanis Morrisette?
Nirvana? "
" We can debate my taste in music and then you can listen to
Mozart, or you can put a cd in. Your choice."
" AC/DC it is then."
" Hey Doug, wake up. It's almost eight thirty." Doug almost
snarled at the bright cheery voice that was accompanying the
gentle shake of his sleeping bag.
" Go away..." he muttered finally. He wasn't in the mood for
the morning debate on which cruddy, bumpy secondary back road
they should take. As far as he was concerned it didn't matter as
long as it got them closer to their goal. All of the roads were
crap, it didn't matter which one they took because no matter what
road they were on, they still ended up detouring around wrecks
and traffic jams. Another day of tooling around at a cool ten to
thirty miles an hour held no appeal. Besides, he had a cold. A
bad cold. Jeanie had gotten over hers after almost a week but not
before she had infected him with it. He'd been all right for a
few days but now he was stuffed up. Stuffed up and hung over.
" We're getting ready to go. " It was Lucy again, and when
she was bright and cheery in the morning, he was reminded just
how young Lucy was. " Come on..."
" That's not going to work," said a new voice. Suddenly Doug
felt several sharp stinging blows to his back.
" What the hell are you doing?" He sat up and threw off the
sleeping bag, wincing just a little at his sudden pounding
headache. Randi was standing next to Lucy, brandishing a large
stick. She prodded him with it.
" I'm whacking you out of the sack. We're getting ready to
go. Get your drunk ass up." With that, she stomped off toward the
row of motorcycles. Wonderful, Doug mused as he crawled out of
his sleeping bag, what a fun start to the day.
" Is there any coffee?" he asked Lucy as he rolled up his
bag. He needed something. He had hardly sleep the night before
and even the liquor he was quaffing hadn't prevented what little
sleep he did get to be filled with nightmares. If he wasn't
dreaming about Carol, his dreams revolved around his being chased
by a dark faceless man. A man that he knew instinctively was
evil, but compelling just the same. Sometimes he plied Doug with
offers, sometimes he made threats. He would say that he wanted a
doctor for his people, but somehow Doug sensed that his position
would less doctoring and more of a medical torturer. The dark
man, Flagg, had his people gathering in Las Vegas, he knew that,
and Doug was often left with the sinking sensation that his
dreams were telling him his future. Oh, not in exact detail, that
would be crazy, but he sensed that what little real civilized
behavior they had was going to be worn away by the situation.
" There's still some left. No breakfast though, unless you
want some Twinkies." Lucy gestured to the remains of the fire
they had lit the night before. Her brow screwed up with concern.
She kicked his empty bottle of scotch away. " Doug, you need to
get a grip. You're drinking too much."
Yes, he thought, she actually said I'm drinking too much. "
Lucy it's none of your business."
" It is when you're slowing every one up. " She frowned at
him. " You know, we understand that you're grieving. I'm sorry
about Carol. We all are sorry but we need you to pull yourself
out of this. "
" Lucy..." he said tiredly. She didn't understand, no one
could understand how he felt. He had, after all was said and
done, behaved like a monster towards Carol. She had loved him,
and he had repaid her with what? Indifference at best, scorn and
humiliation at worst. He hadn't deserved her. Towards the end, he
had begged her forgiveness and she had given it with a smile, but
it didn't take away any of the pain in his heart. Part of him
relished the pain, embracing it as his just punishment. The other
part of him, the weak part of him, couldn't stand it. Feeling
numb was better than feeling horrible. The alcohol didn't take
away the bad dreams but it deadened some of the pain. Lucy, with
her youth and cheerful determination to face post-plague life,
couldn't possibly understand. " I'll deal with this the way I
want to." He sneezed for punctuation.
" Fine. We're deciding on where to go for the day. You
might want to join us. " She turned and walked off. Doug
watched her for a moment, and then gathered his gear together. He
made his way to the fire and poured the remains of the coffee
into his mug. He sipped the hot brew and coughed. His sinuses
were clogged and that was making the headache worse. Ok, he
thought as he went over to the cycles, its time to face the daily
map check.
Luka was comparing maps with Kerry. Doug almost smiled as he
realized that indeed, he had missed most of the debate. Luka
smiled at him, but he could see that the younger man was
irritated. Screw him, Doug decided as he drank more of the strong
black coffee, so I slept late. Luka gestured to the maps. " We
have the route set."
" I'm sure its fine." He sipped the coffee again as Kerry
walked over to the truck and the others went to the cycles. It
looked like it was going to be a hot day and he started to look
forward to the prospect of biking. It was cooler anyway. He went
to the cycle he usually rode, but Carter waved him off with a
smirk.
" You have to ride with Kerry. We decided it's your turn."
Carter hopped onto the motorcycle.
" Come on..." Riding with Kerry was tantamount to torture in
his mind. So far he'd been able to avoid it. He suspected that
the others let him out of the task partly because he and Kerry
simply didn't get along, and partly because they didn't trust him
to keep an eye on her. Screw them, he thought, and screw Kerry
for being so damned fucked in the head that no one could stand
being with her for longer than ten seconds at a time. He'd heard
how much fun it was to ride in the truck. " Somebody please
switch with me."
" She hit me with a thermos when I touched the cd player."
Carter said.
" She quizzed me on antibiotics. " Lucy said. " Every one I
got wrong, she made me recite ten times so I would remember it."
" I had to list off all the bones in the human body." Jeanie
smiled as she spoke.
" I'm not listening to classical music for eight hours."
Randi jumped on a bike.
Luka shrugged. " I just prefer riding the motorcycle.
Besides, you sound like you caught Jeanie's cold. You could use
the break. "
He knew when he was defeated. And it was true that he was
sick. He was stuffed up and congested. With any luck, he thought
darkly, I'll get Kerry sick. He strode over to the truck, taking
small pleasure in the fact that he would be able to finish his
cup of coffee. He jumped into the passenger seat, and smirked at
Kerry. " I'm your riding partner today."
" Oh joy." Kerry glared at him. " Are you still drunk from
your bender last night? You did kill an entire bottle of scotch."
" Don't start," he warned.
" I ask, because I don't want you vomiting in the car." She
started the engine. In seconds, they were rolling along. It was a
rather smooth ride. He hated to admit it, but jarring along the
dirt roads hurt after a while. I must be getting old, he thought.
They rode in silence for almost an hour. At first it was
fine but as time wore on, Doug found himself getting not only
bored but irritated. " Are you giving me the silent treatment for
a reason, or is this the latest twist on your nervous breakdown?"
Her hands clenched the wheel. " If I can't throw your
alcohol problem in your face, then my insanity is off limits
too."
At least arguing would kill the time, Doug thought, and it
might get me out ever having to ride with her again. " What the
hell. Kerry, feel free to throw my alcohol problem in my face.
What is your opinion on that topic? I'd like to hear it."
She was silent for a long moment. He had almost given up on
getting an answer when she said, " You're not ready to stop.
You're punishing yourself for living when Carol died. When you
get over feeling guilty, you'll stop, but not before then.
Nothing I say is going to change that." She took her eyes off the
road just for an instant to spare him a glance. " You know I'm
right. There's no point in getting on your case about it. You'll
just ignore any suggestions or offers of help. Why bother having
an argument when you aren't ready to listen."
It wasn't the vitriolic diatribe he expected. What made it
worse was the possibility that she was right. It's time to turn
this around, he decided. If she won't pick a fight, then I
certainly can. " Do I get to comment on your insanity now?"
She shrugged. " As if you haven't already. How many
nicknames do you have for me now?" She smiled cynically. " I have
to admit, I liked Dr. Demento. That'd make a nice vanity plate
for the truck." She was quiet for a moment. " I'm actually a
little surprised that they trust you enough to have you act as my
babysitter."
" So am I." He said it without thinking, and as soon as he
had, he wanted to kick himself. It was not something the others
wanted her to know. He knew there was reason to worry, he still
worried that she would have a dizzy spell and accidently ram the
truck into a telephone pole, but he didn't relish humiliating her
by letting her in on the fact that they did take turns keeping an
eye on her. " I wasn't supposed to tell you that, " he said
finally.
" It's not exactly something I didn't suspect." Kerry said
curtly. " I am insane after all. I'm surprised you don't check to
make sure I'm taking the pills."
There's no point in checking, Doug thought dryly, when it's
so obvious. Getting a rise out of her had been next to impossible
since she started with the meds. " Maybe if you talked about what
happened," he said finally, " they might worry a little less."
" I don't remember what happened." Again, her hands clenched
the wheel. Doug found himself wondering if having that particular
conversation was such a great thing to do while she was driving.
She looked quite pale. " I don't remember it at all, and no one
wants to discuss it."
" He beat you up. With your crutch. You're lucky he didn't
kill you." Telling her what happened wasn't the smartest thing,
but he knew her well enough to know it was eating at her. He
didn't think it was healthy to let her stew over it. " Then, when
he shot Lucy, you shot him in the back, then the head, and then
the back again. Then you went to do charts."
They drove on in silence for a few minutes. " You said you
examined me," Kerry said softly. " Was I raped?"
He looked down at his feet. I really don't want to have this
conversation, he thought. " I don't know. Maybe. It looked that
way, but he could have just beaten you."
" Do you think I was raped? Please be honest." She took a
deep breath. " I need to know."
He looked at her. " Yes, Kerry, I think you were raped. I
hope you weren't, and I can't say for certain, but it looked like
you were raped. Everything about how you were acting and have
been acting tells me that I'm right." He paused. " I'm sorry."
" Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. " She hit the
accelerator as they came onto a clear stretch of road. An ugly
thought struck him, and before he could stop himself, he blurted
it out.
" Kerry, you aren't pregnant are you?"
There was a deathly pause. Then she laughed. " I'm not
pregnant, not as of this morning. I did wonder why I was so happy
to be menstruating."
It was forced humor, even with a raging hang over, he knew
that, but he wanted out of the conversation. " Just think of it
this way. You've evaded the menopause fairy for another month."
" Ha ha very funny." Kerry pointed to the cd player. " Put
some music on."
" I don't like classical." Oddly, he never saw her as that
much of a classical fan either.
" The classical is mostly for Randi. She needs a little
culture. The boy band cds are to annoy Carter with, and the show
tunes drive Kovac and Jeanie nuts. The good stuff is under your
seat.
He reached under, and came up with a handful of cds. " The
Police, Metallica, AC/DC, Bowie.... Tupac? Alanis Morrisette?
Nirvana? "
" We can debate my taste in music and then you can listen to
Mozart, or you can put a cd in. Your choice."
" AC/DC it is then."