" ER/Stand Part 18 "
Luka stood alone on the small balcony, a cigarette in hand.
He didn't normally smoke, he hadn't in years. His wife hadn't
liked it, but every once in a while he craved a cigarette. He had
made it a point to not pick up any cigarettes over the last few
weeks as he knew the stress would make him smoke like a chimney.
He'd found the pack of Marlboro's on top of the manager's desk
and just slipped it into his pocket. Just one or two, he told
himself, and just tonight. He didn't want lung cancer in a world
that didn't have electrical power. It was a slow unpleasant death
with state of the art medical care. One smoke though, that was
relaxing, and he needed to relax.
It was almost three a.m.. In theory, he was supposed to be
watching Lucy until the sun rose, but Carter had offered to stay
up, since he said he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep for
just a few hours. It was a nice gesture, even though he doubted
it had crossed Carter's mind that he might not be able to get
back to sleep either. The small travel alarm going off had been a
blessing in disguise. He'd been in the throws of another
nightmare. Tomorrow night, he told himself, I'm taking a sleeping
pill. He'd done that a few times on their journey, though he
tried not to get in the habit. A part of him worried about
disgruntled survivors. Carter had made a good point early on,
they were traveling with four attractive women. Some survivors
might not care about personal choice and preference. He didn't
want to drug himself to sleep at night knowing that was a
possibility.
They would have to stay there another day, he was sure of
that. Lucy was looking better, the fever was down and she seemed
more lucid, but it was better to not take chances. The idea of
stopping disturbed him a bit, but he put that aside. The only
reason it disturbs you, he told himself, is because you keep
having those dreams. Not just the bad dream, that dream just made
him want to stay exactly where he was or better yet, head east.
Put some distance between himself and the evil he thought was
growing in the west. In Las Vegas. He'd been there once, soon
after he'd come to America, and it had given him the creeps even
then. In his other dream, the dream with the old woman, there had
been some changes. She was also on her way to Colorado, and
despite the fact that it was just a dream, it made him feel
better knowing that they were heading in the right direction. Or
at least they were heading towards the "good" side.
Which was a perfectly ridiculous thought. My dreams aren't
real, he told himself as he took another drag on the cigarette.
On the other hand, he decided, I feel better about going to
Colorado, even if we do need to take another day off. He just
didn't see the point in rushing. Yes, he wanted to keep moving,
but it would take longer for Lucy to get well even if she was
riding in the truck instead of cycling. Then, of course, five
days from now they would have to stop again because with so much
exposure, Kerry would be sick. He sensed she would be a worse
patient than Lucy.
He worried. He accepted that it was simply a part of his
personality that he worried quite a lot. Even though things
definitely seemed better, he couldn't help but worry just a
little. Little things really. His inability to sleep, the dreams
he had, the uneasy way they never discussed Doug's drinking, it
all concerned him.
" I didn't know you smoked." He looked up, surprised to see
Jeanie standing on the balcony. She wasn't one of the people in
the group that usually wandered around in the middle of the
night. He did occasionally, enough to know that Carter and Kerry
often had late night snack and card playing sessions.
He smiled sheepishly and gestured to the lit cigarette. " I
don't... My wife didn't like it. "
" It's ok." She smiled. " I used to smoke. My husband didn't
like it." She tapped the pack that he had left sitting on the
railing. " Do you mind?"
" Go ahead." He watched as she deftly lit a cigarette. "
I... I didn't realize you had been married." She certainly was
taking her husband's death well, he thought.
" We were divorced. He cheated on me with more women than I
can count, he gave me HIV, and I imagine he's probably dead now."
She chuckled. " And I miss him, which is about the stupidest
thing I've ever felt. I miss a lot of people. Sometimes...
sometimes I just miss people."
" I know what you mean," he said after a moment. He gestured
out across the vast fields of corn that was the only real view
the second story motel balcony had. " This just seems so empty."
Jeanie laughed again. " I think this place was always this
empty, but I know what you mean. I keep thinking that I can't
believe this is happening, but I wake up every morning and
nothing has changed."
" We're all in shock." Luka said softly. " Each one of us.
We're just expressing it differently. Doug is drinking. " He
sighed. " I wish I knew how to help him. When my wife... when my
wife and children were killed, I started to drink, but my father
got me to stop. I could take him aside, but I doubt he'd listen
to me."
After a moment, Jeanie nodded. " You're right. He needs
someone to talk to. The problem is that the best people to do
that are dead."
" Carol and... Mark?" Luka wasn't certain about the second
name. Mark seemed to have been everyone's friend, counselor or
teacher, while Carol had been solely Doug's.
Jeanie nodded again. " Mark would have talked some sense
into him. They were good for each other. Mark gave Doug a
conscience and Doug made Mark lighten up." She sighed. " It's
probably better that Mark's not here. He had a tendency to get
depressed under good circumstances. Still... I miss him. He had
this way of being calm in a crisis. His own life could be a
complete mess but give him a problem, and he'd kill himself
trying to fix it." She smiled ruefully.
Luka watched her expression carefully. " You were a problem
weren't you? And he wasn't your favorite person."
" He found out I had HIV. I almost lost my job." She
shrugged. " It all seems pretty silly now. Especially the HIV.
The superflu makes that look like nothing." She took a long drag
off the cigarette. " Doug wouldn't listen to me. He'd probably
laugh at Lucy and Randi and Carter. I think Kerry would enjoy
yelling at Doug, but I don't think that'd help." Again she
chuckled.
" I'm sorry, maybe I just don't know them that well... I
just don't see this hostility." It hadn't exactly bothered him,
but he had heard too many stories from Carter and Randi to accept
that mild sniping and petty name calling was the extent of Doug
and Kerry's weird little relationship.
" They've been on their best behavior, I think. Plus, he's
drinking and she's taking Prozac. Besides, they'll never admit it
but they would be lost without each other to complain about." She
edged closer to him as the wind picked up. The rain had cooled
the evening off quite a bit. He almost put his arm around her,
but stopped himself. It seemed a little forward even though now
she was leaning into him.
" But would he listen to her?" That was the question that he
had. Something had to be done.
She shook her head. " Probably not. You may not realize
this, but they're a lot alike. They both like getting their own
way. Kerry uses rules like a sword to get her way. Doug breaks
rules with a club to get his way. And now we don't have rules."
" I didn't think of it that way. No frame of reference any
more. " She was so close, he could smell her scent. Not perfume,
but the fresh sweet smell of soap. Stop it, he told himself, she
isn't interested.
She moved in even closer, so that if he raised his hands,
she would be in his arms. She must not realize, he thought, so
don't move. She turned her head, so that she was looking up at
him. He could see tears in her eyes and he realized suddenly that
she was close to breaking down. " It's just so hard..." she
whispered. " Everyone's trying but I just feel so unhappy.
Everything's fallen apart and no matter how hard I try, nothing
seems to come back together."
Her expression was so lost and forlorn, he put aside his
earlier vow and held her close. She started to cry softly. Her
arms came up around him and they embraced. For the longest
moment, that's all they did. Then, they kissed. Luka forgot
everything he'd been worrying about, and let the moment overtake
him as they kissed passionately.
She was the first to break away. " I'm sorry," she said as
she pulled away and wiped her eyes. " We can't do this."
" Why not?" he asked. Is it more than just sheer attraction,
he asked himself. Yes, yes it was. He found her attractive but
more than that she was smart and holding herself together and
trying so hard to keep everything going.
" Luka, I have HIV." She said it softly, but clearly she
expected him to back away from the very sound of the words spoken
out loud.
" Jeanie.... I know you have HIV." He gestured out towards
the vast empty fields. " So you have HIV. That's no reason not to
live. How many people do you think died this year? This was
their last summer and you know they didn't expect it. We have
been given a gift this summer. " As he spoke the words, he knew
in his heart that he did believe them. It was a gift to be alive
on a cool summer night with a beautiful, sensitive bright woman
like the one standing before him. " Jeanie... I want to be with
you tonight."
She seemed overwhelmed by his offer. " I... You need to use
a condom. " Much to his surprise she started to blush. " I don't
mean to be so blunt but..."
He grinned. " I know how a condom works. I imagine there
might be some where I found the cigarettes. Do you want me to
look?"
She hooked her arm around his. " Yes, I do."
Luka stood alone on the small balcony, a cigarette in hand.
He didn't normally smoke, he hadn't in years. His wife hadn't
liked it, but every once in a while he craved a cigarette. He had
made it a point to not pick up any cigarettes over the last few
weeks as he knew the stress would make him smoke like a chimney.
He'd found the pack of Marlboro's on top of the manager's desk
and just slipped it into his pocket. Just one or two, he told
himself, and just tonight. He didn't want lung cancer in a world
that didn't have electrical power. It was a slow unpleasant death
with state of the art medical care. One smoke though, that was
relaxing, and he needed to relax.
It was almost three a.m.. In theory, he was supposed to be
watching Lucy until the sun rose, but Carter had offered to stay
up, since he said he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep for
just a few hours. It was a nice gesture, even though he doubted
it had crossed Carter's mind that he might not be able to get
back to sleep either. The small travel alarm going off had been a
blessing in disguise. He'd been in the throws of another
nightmare. Tomorrow night, he told himself, I'm taking a sleeping
pill. He'd done that a few times on their journey, though he
tried not to get in the habit. A part of him worried about
disgruntled survivors. Carter had made a good point early on,
they were traveling with four attractive women. Some survivors
might not care about personal choice and preference. He didn't
want to drug himself to sleep at night knowing that was a
possibility.
They would have to stay there another day, he was sure of
that. Lucy was looking better, the fever was down and she seemed
more lucid, but it was better to not take chances. The idea of
stopping disturbed him a bit, but he put that aside. The only
reason it disturbs you, he told himself, is because you keep
having those dreams. Not just the bad dream, that dream just made
him want to stay exactly where he was or better yet, head east.
Put some distance between himself and the evil he thought was
growing in the west. In Las Vegas. He'd been there once, soon
after he'd come to America, and it had given him the creeps even
then. In his other dream, the dream with the old woman, there had
been some changes. She was also on her way to Colorado, and
despite the fact that it was just a dream, it made him feel
better knowing that they were heading in the right direction. Or
at least they were heading towards the "good" side.
Which was a perfectly ridiculous thought. My dreams aren't
real, he told himself as he took another drag on the cigarette.
On the other hand, he decided, I feel better about going to
Colorado, even if we do need to take another day off. He just
didn't see the point in rushing. Yes, he wanted to keep moving,
but it would take longer for Lucy to get well even if she was
riding in the truck instead of cycling. Then, of course, five
days from now they would have to stop again because with so much
exposure, Kerry would be sick. He sensed she would be a worse
patient than Lucy.
He worried. He accepted that it was simply a part of his
personality that he worried quite a lot. Even though things
definitely seemed better, he couldn't help but worry just a
little. Little things really. His inability to sleep, the dreams
he had, the uneasy way they never discussed Doug's drinking, it
all concerned him.
" I didn't know you smoked." He looked up, surprised to see
Jeanie standing on the balcony. She wasn't one of the people in
the group that usually wandered around in the middle of the
night. He did occasionally, enough to know that Carter and Kerry
often had late night snack and card playing sessions.
He smiled sheepishly and gestured to the lit cigarette. " I
don't... My wife didn't like it. "
" It's ok." She smiled. " I used to smoke. My husband didn't
like it." She tapped the pack that he had left sitting on the
railing. " Do you mind?"
" Go ahead." He watched as she deftly lit a cigarette. "
I... I didn't realize you had been married." She certainly was
taking her husband's death well, he thought.
" We were divorced. He cheated on me with more women than I
can count, he gave me HIV, and I imagine he's probably dead now."
She chuckled. " And I miss him, which is about the stupidest
thing I've ever felt. I miss a lot of people. Sometimes...
sometimes I just miss people."
" I know what you mean," he said after a moment. He gestured
out across the vast fields of corn that was the only real view
the second story motel balcony had. " This just seems so empty."
Jeanie laughed again. " I think this place was always this
empty, but I know what you mean. I keep thinking that I can't
believe this is happening, but I wake up every morning and
nothing has changed."
" We're all in shock." Luka said softly. " Each one of us.
We're just expressing it differently. Doug is drinking. " He
sighed. " I wish I knew how to help him. When my wife... when my
wife and children were killed, I started to drink, but my father
got me to stop. I could take him aside, but I doubt he'd listen
to me."
After a moment, Jeanie nodded. " You're right. He needs
someone to talk to. The problem is that the best people to do
that are dead."
" Carol and... Mark?" Luka wasn't certain about the second
name. Mark seemed to have been everyone's friend, counselor or
teacher, while Carol had been solely Doug's.
Jeanie nodded again. " Mark would have talked some sense
into him. They were good for each other. Mark gave Doug a
conscience and Doug made Mark lighten up." She sighed. " It's
probably better that Mark's not here. He had a tendency to get
depressed under good circumstances. Still... I miss him. He had
this way of being calm in a crisis. His own life could be a
complete mess but give him a problem, and he'd kill himself
trying to fix it." She smiled ruefully.
Luka watched her expression carefully. " You were a problem
weren't you? And he wasn't your favorite person."
" He found out I had HIV. I almost lost my job." She
shrugged. " It all seems pretty silly now. Especially the HIV.
The superflu makes that look like nothing." She took a long drag
off the cigarette. " Doug wouldn't listen to me. He'd probably
laugh at Lucy and Randi and Carter. I think Kerry would enjoy
yelling at Doug, but I don't think that'd help." Again she
chuckled.
" I'm sorry, maybe I just don't know them that well... I
just don't see this hostility." It hadn't exactly bothered him,
but he had heard too many stories from Carter and Randi to accept
that mild sniping and petty name calling was the extent of Doug
and Kerry's weird little relationship.
" They've been on their best behavior, I think. Plus, he's
drinking and she's taking Prozac. Besides, they'll never admit it
but they would be lost without each other to complain about." She
edged closer to him as the wind picked up. The rain had cooled
the evening off quite a bit. He almost put his arm around her,
but stopped himself. It seemed a little forward even though now
she was leaning into him.
" But would he listen to her?" That was the question that he
had. Something had to be done.
She shook her head. " Probably not. You may not realize
this, but they're a lot alike. They both like getting their own
way. Kerry uses rules like a sword to get her way. Doug breaks
rules with a club to get his way. And now we don't have rules."
" I didn't think of it that way. No frame of reference any
more. " She was so close, he could smell her scent. Not perfume,
but the fresh sweet smell of soap. Stop it, he told himself, she
isn't interested.
She moved in even closer, so that if he raised his hands,
she would be in his arms. She must not realize, he thought, so
don't move. She turned her head, so that she was looking up at
him. He could see tears in her eyes and he realized suddenly that
she was close to breaking down. " It's just so hard..." she
whispered. " Everyone's trying but I just feel so unhappy.
Everything's fallen apart and no matter how hard I try, nothing
seems to come back together."
Her expression was so lost and forlorn, he put aside his
earlier vow and held her close. She started to cry softly. Her
arms came up around him and they embraced. For the longest
moment, that's all they did. Then, they kissed. Luka forgot
everything he'd been worrying about, and let the moment overtake
him as they kissed passionately.
She was the first to break away. " I'm sorry," she said as
she pulled away and wiped her eyes. " We can't do this."
" Why not?" he asked. Is it more than just sheer attraction,
he asked himself. Yes, yes it was. He found her attractive but
more than that she was smart and holding herself together and
trying so hard to keep everything going.
" Luka, I have HIV." She said it softly, but clearly she
expected him to back away from the very sound of the words spoken
out loud.
" Jeanie.... I know you have HIV." He gestured out towards
the vast empty fields. " So you have HIV. That's no reason not to
live. How many people do you think died this year? This was
their last summer and you know they didn't expect it. We have
been given a gift this summer. " As he spoke the words, he knew
in his heart that he did believe them. It was a gift to be alive
on a cool summer night with a beautiful, sensitive bright woman
like the one standing before him. " Jeanie... I want to be with
you tonight."
She seemed overwhelmed by his offer. " I... You need to use
a condom. " Much to his surprise she started to blush. " I don't
mean to be so blunt but..."
He grinned. " I know how a condom works. I imagine there
might be some where I found the cigarettes. Do you want me to
look?"
She hooked her arm around his. " Yes, I do."