" ER/Stand part 19"
She walked through the rows of corn, taking odd comfort in
the gentle wind and the surprisingly sweet smell of the fresh
damp earth. She wasn't a country girl, by no means, but she could
appreciate a beautiful summer day. The bright clear blue sky was
untroubled by clouds or airplane contrails, and a part of her, a
big part really, was starting to not miss all of the hustle and
bustle of modern life. The night before, after the first meal
she'd enjoyed in almost a month, they had played Monopoly for
hours. A stupid game, and made slightly depressing by the use of
real money that Doug had brought from one of the town banks, but
fun just the same simply because everyone had gotten into it. It
had been Doug's idea to play though, and he hadn't touched a drop
of liquor all evening. Of course, that hadn't stopped him from
starting to get drunk as soon as the game was done, but he had
tried at least. Her father had been a drunk. Not the desperate
sort of depressed drunk that Doug was, but a real drunk. Doug
still had the capability of stopping himself. She doubted he
realized that. Certainly none of the doctor types would listen to
her thoughts on the matter.
Oh that's not fair, she told herself after a moment. You
don't give them much to base an opinion on, what with your snide
remarks and skills in petty theft. That was certainly the way to
prove your worth with a group of highly educated people. Randi
shook her head. They were good people, she knew that, but they
weren't the most practical people on the face of the earth and
they definitely weren't very aware. Doug drank almost constantly
but no one seemed to notice until he brought out the bottle. She
knew Kerry had overheard most if not all of their discussions on
her mental state. Randi knew the older woman had stopped taking
the Prozac, which made a number of the discussions concerning the
medication rather funny. How they could miss the fact that she
was palming the pills every morning was beyond her. Randi hadn't
said anything since Kerry had seemed pleasant and calm. A little
too calm considering all that had been happening but Randi got
the sense that she was attempting to portray herself as better
than she probably was.
Which was just fine with Randi. A Dr. Weaver forcing herself
to be calm and pleasant meant far fewer arguments and screaming
matches with Dr. Weaver. Randi had worked in the ER far too long
to think that situation was normal. Normal, she thought, was
everyone ignoring me, so at least that's pretty normal.
It made her angry, to be honest. She didn't expect or want
attention focused on her every second. A simple " thank you for
opening that locked door" was all she wanted. These people would
be lost without me, she thought as she whapped corn leaves out of
her way. Take Carter. He was very good at doctoring, but when it
came to practical things, like auto repair or finding fresh
water, he was next to useless. She'd rather be left alone with
Lucy, who was willing to learn the finer points of keeping a
motorcycle running. Lucy was, she had to admit, trying very hard
to be friendly. In a way, it made her feel bad since she hadn't
exactly been receptive. Lucy was just so young seeming. They
didn't have a lot in common except surviving the flu and being
about the same age.
At least she didn't run off at the drop of a hat, she
thought darkly. Carter had run off early that morning with
promises of a "surprise". She wondered if he had any idea what a
mess he'd left behind. Neither Jeanie or Luka were in any mood to
be responsible. They had driven off promising steaks and
brandishing shot guns. She would believe it when she had a rare
steak on her plate. Sure, they might actually kill a cow, though
she had honest doubts on whether they understood just where
hamburger came from, it was the butchering of the victim cow that
would stymie them.
Those two were something of a surprise. For their part, they
seemed awkward about it, awkward but happy. She was fine with it,
though more than a touch jealous. Luka was very attractive, and
she wasn't blind. Still, Jeanie deserved something nice to
happen. Randi wasn't a medical professional by any means but she
knew what Jeanie had. She supposed that was why Jeanie was always
so depressed. Even Doug had good moods when he wasn't drunk.
Carter was relatively cheerful on a daily basis. Lucy was almost
too perky, but Randi allowed that it might have something to do
with the Ritalin she took. That was a habit the other young woman
had kept hidden, mostly from embarrassment. Despite having been
so sick the night before that she had to be carried to bed, Lucy
had been bright eyed and exuberant that morning. No doubt she was
driving Kerry insane, Randi thought with a smile. Kerry was in a
funk anyway so it would do her some good to be around Lucy. The
situation with Luka and Jeanie had honestly pleased the older
woman, so that wasn't what had set her mood off.
Probably it was Doug, Randi thought as she continued moving
through the corn toward. Doug generally made everyone angry with
the nonstop drinking. Doug, or maybe she wasn't sleeping well.
Idly, she wondered if Kerry's dreams were as bad as her own had
been. She had, at one point, been munching the sleep medication
like it was candy. Her own moods after one of the dreams where
the dark man chased and chased her were usually pretty terrible.
" Carter!" she yelled, getting tired of searching for him. "
Where the hell are you?"
" Keep walking!" She headed towards his voice. In a matter
of seconds she had cleared the cornfield and was standing near
the bank of a small river. She had spotted it from the motel
balcony the day before, though from there the only thing that
could be seen were low trees in a row. There was a small dock
edging out into the water and seated on it was Carter. His feet
were dangling into the water and he was casting a fishing line.
Fishing, she thought with some irritation, he's out fishing. Yet
another thing she suspected he wasn't very good at. Carter was a
clumsy bumbler with almost every task. He tended to drop anything
that was handed to him and though Luka had taken the worst spill
on the motorcycles, Carter had taken the most.
" What are you doing?" she asked. It seemed obvious but one
never really knew.
He grinned at her as she stepped out onto the dock and held
up a string of fish. Even to her inexperienced eye, it looked
like an excellent catch. " I'm providing a feast for the tribe.
While everyone is out gathering roots and berries, I will be
bringing home much needed protein."
Ok, Randi told herself, I am impressed that he actually
caught fish. She took a seat next to him. " I was just..." What
was I doing, she asked herself. The only real reason she had gone
looking for Carter was that she was bored and irritated that
everyone that was well and physically capable of walking long
distances had taken off. " I just needed to get away."
" I know the feeling." Carter said. He reeled in the line.
The hook was empty. " We're not the jolliest group are we? How
have you been? You seem to be handling things... so much better
than everyone else. " At first she thought he was joking, but
after a moment she realized he was being completely serious. Not
only that, he meant it as a compliment. Not only had he noticed
what she'd been doing, he was impressed. Despite herself, she
found herself growing flush with pleasure.
His expression grew concerned, and embarrassed. " I didn't
mean anything by that... Just that you seem so... collected.
Sometimes I think you're the only one in this group that knows
what to do." He gestured to the fishing pole. " You may not have
noticed but I'm not exactly pulling survival tricks out of my bag
hand over fist. I can fish, I know how to hunt deer, and I could
take out your appendix if the need arose. That's pretty much it."
He sighed. " I guess I was just thinking we don't say thank you
very much to each other, you especially." He turned and looked at
her. " Thank you."
" Your welcome, " she stammered. She looked down at her
feet. You are not blushing, she told herself harshly, you are
not blushing just because he complimented you. Its not like he
finds you attractive or anything. He just feels bad for not
acknowledging you. That's not an advance. That's really not
anything.
It wouldn't hurt to return the favor either, she realized
after a moment. Carter wasn't doing such a bad job, not really.
He wasn't the most competent, that was true, but he did try. He
did manage to keep everyone organized and there were a lot of
potential personality conflicts that he smoothed over. Carter
kept everyone from jumping down each other's throats with his
quick deflections and changes in discussion. She looked to Kovac
for physical leadership, where to go, how to get there, but she
realized that they all looked to Carter to keep them focused. "
You know, " she said softly, " Sometimes, when everyone is
arguing and you're there nodding along and then completely turn
everything around, you remind me of Dr. Greene. He had that way
of... agreeing with everyone's points but making sure that his
opinion got full consideration."
He smiled. She spotted a flash of pain cross his face, but
it was gone almost in an instant. " That's about as good of a
compliment as I can ever hope to get. For years he was the doctor
I tried to imitate. I miss Mark... In a way I wish he was here.
He was a good guy." He sighed. " And I wish Peter was here. And
Carol.... And everyone really."
" I know what you mean," she said after a moment. There were
times she even missed the score of homeless people that used the
ER as their crash pad.
Carter chuckled again. " You know, Dr. Weaver said something
to me a few weeks ago. Did you ever think, at this point last
summer, that this is what you'd be doing? That you'd be sitting
here with me in Iowa, fishing. That everyone would be dead and
that you and I and the rest of our group would be the building
blocks of a new civilization? "
" Makes you a touch concerned for the future doesn't it?"
Randi said jokingly. It made her feel frightened in a way, but
deep down she had to admit, it was exhilarating in its own way.
Carter recast his line. " At the time it depressed the hell
out of me. "
" You should hear her go on about the Mir Space Station, "
Randi said. That had been a fun midnight chat.
He laughed. " Yes, we've had that talk too. I guess though,
the best thing we can do is move forward. Things are either going
to be better or worse and it all pretty much depends on us.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by that."
" I never thought I'd ever be in Iowa." Randi said, hoping
to cheer him up. " You know, this is the farthest I've ever been
from Chicago. " She found herself looking him over. He was, she
admitted, a good looking clumsy bumbler. " This is probably the
first time we ever really talked too. You gotta wonder... Think
we'd ever have talked like this before the plague?"
Carter looked at her again, this time with sudden interest
in his eyes. " Probably not, but I've been regretting that for a
while now. Maybe we should start over. You're not Randi the desk
clerk and I'm not John the doctor, not any more. Its a different
world. " He held out his hand to her. " Hi, I'm John. Would you
like to learn how to catch fish?"
She smiled, and took his hand in hers. " I'm Randi, and yes
I would."
He handed her the pole. " Maybe later you can show me how to
pick locks."
And maybe, she thought as she took the pole, this is what I
hope it is. She cast out the line, and let his hands guide hers
as they fished together.
She walked through the rows of corn, taking odd comfort in
the gentle wind and the surprisingly sweet smell of the fresh
damp earth. She wasn't a country girl, by no means, but she could
appreciate a beautiful summer day. The bright clear blue sky was
untroubled by clouds or airplane contrails, and a part of her, a
big part really, was starting to not miss all of the hustle and
bustle of modern life. The night before, after the first meal
she'd enjoyed in almost a month, they had played Monopoly for
hours. A stupid game, and made slightly depressing by the use of
real money that Doug had brought from one of the town banks, but
fun just the same simply because everyone had gotten into it. It
had been Doug's idea to play though, and he hadn't touched a drop
of liquor all evening. Of course, that hadn't stopped him from
starting to get drunk as soon as the game was done, but he had
tried at least. Her father had been a drunk. Not the desperate
sort of depressed drunk that Doug was, but a real drunk. Doug
still had the capability of stopping himself. She doubted he
realized that. Certainly none of the doctor types would listen to
her thoughts on the matter.
Oh that's not fair, she told herself after a moment. You
don't give them much to base an opinion on, what with your snide
remarks and skills in petty theft. That was certainly the way to
prove your worth with a group of highly educated people. Randi
shook her head. They were good people, she knew that, but they
weren't the most practical people on the face of the earth and
they definitely weren't very aware. Doug drank almost constantly
but no one seemed to notice until he brought out the bottle. She
knew Kerry had overheard most if not all of their discussions on
her mental state. Randi knew the older woman had stopped taking
the Prozac, which made a number of the discussions concerning the
medication rather funny. How they could miss the fact that she
was palming the pills every morning was beyond her. Randi hadn't
said anything since Kerry had seemed pleasant and calm. A little
too calm considering all that had been happening but Randi got
the sense that she was attempting to portray herself as better
than she probably was.
Which was just fine with Randi. A Dr. Weaver forcing herself
to be calm and pleasant meant far fewer arguments and screaming
matches with Dr. Weaver. Randi had worked in the ER far too long
to think that situation was normal. Normal, she thought, was
everyone ignoring me, so at least that's pretty normal.
It made her angry, to be honest. She didn't expect or want
attention focused on her every second. A simple " thank you for
opening that locked door" was all she wanted. These people would
be lost without me, she thought as she whapped corn leaves out of
her way. Take Carter. He was very good at doctoring, but when it
came to practical things, like auto repair or finding fresh
water, he was next to useless. She'd rather be left alone with
Lucy, who was willing to learn the finer points of keeping a
motorcycle running. Lucy was, she had to admit, trying very hard
to be friendly. In a way, it made her feel bad since she hadn't
exactly been receptive. Lucy was just so young seeming. They
didn't have a lot in common except surviving the flu and being
about the same age.
At least she didn't run off at the drop of a hat, she
thought darkly. Carter had run off early that morning with
promises of a "surprise". She wondered if he had any idea what a
mess he'd left behind. Neither Jeanie or Luka were in any mood to
be responsible. They had driven off promising steaks and
brandishing shot guns. She would believe it when she had a rare
steak on her plate. Sure, they might actually kill a cow, though
she had honest doubts on whether they understood just where
hamburger came from, it was the butchering of the victim cow that
would stymie them.
Those two were something of a surprise. For their part, they
seemed awkward about it, awkward but happy. She was fine with it,
though more than a touch jealous. Luka was very attractive, and
she wasn't blind. Still, Jeanie deserved something nice to
happen. Randi wasn't a medical professional by any means but she
knew what Jeanie had. She supposed that was why Jeanie was always
so depressed. Even Doug had good moods when he wasn't drunk.
Carter was relatively cheerful on a daily basis. Lucy was almost
too perky, but Randi allowed that it might have something to do
with the Ritalin she took. That was a habit the other young woman
had kept hidden, mostly from embarrassment. Despite having been
so sick the night before that she had to be carried to bed, Lucy
had been bright eyed and exuberant that morning. No doubt she was
driving Kerry insane, Randi thought with a smile. Kerry was in a
funk anyway so it would do her some good to be around Lucy. The
situation with Luka and Jeanie had honestly pleased the older
woman, so that wasn't what had set her mood off.
Probably it was Doug, Randi thought as she continued moving
through the corn toward. Doug generally made everyone angry with
the nonstop drinking. Doug, or maybe she wasn't sleeping well.
Idly, she wondered if Kerry's dreams were as bad as her own had
been. She had, at one point, been munching the sleep medication
like it was candy. Her own moods after one of the dreams where
the dark man chased and chased her were usually pretty terrible.
" Carter!" she yelled, getting tired of searching for him. "
Where the hell are you?"
" Keep walking!" She headed towards his voice. In a matter
of seconds she had cleared the cornfield and was standing near
the bank of a small river. She had spotted it from the motel
balcony the day before, though from there the only thing that
could be seen were low trees in a row. There was a small dock
edging out into the water and seated on it was Carter. His feet
were dangling into the water and he was casting a fishing line.
Fishing, she thought with some irritation, he's out fishing. Yet
another thing she suspected he wasn't very good at. Carter was a
clumsy bumbler with almost every task. He tended to drop anything
that was handed to him and though Luka had taken the worst spill
on the motorcycles, Carter had taken the most.
" What are you doing?" she asked. It seemed obvious but one
never really knew.
He grinned at her as she stepped out onto the dock and held
up a string of fish. Even to her inexperienced eye, it looked
like an excellent catch. " I'm providing a feast for the tribe.
While everyone is out gathering roots and berries, I will be
bringing home much needed protein."
Ok, Randi told herself, I am impressed that he actually
caught fish. She took a seat next to him. " I was just..." What
was I doing, she asked herself. The only real reason she had gone
looking for Carter was that she was bored and irritated that
everyone that was well and physically capable of walking long
distances had taken off. " I just needed to get away."
" I know the feeling." Carter said. He reeled in the line.
The hook was empty. " We're not the jolliest group are we? How
have you been? You seem to be handling things... so much better
than everyone else. " At first she thought he was joking, but
after a moment she realized he was being completely serious. Not
only that, he meant it as a compliment. Not only had he noticed
what she'd been doing, he was impressed. Despite herself, she
found herself growing flush with pleasure.
His expression grew concerned, and embarrassed. " I didn't
mean anything by that... Just that you seem so... collected.
Sometimes I think you're the only one in this group that knows
what to do." He gestured to the fishing pole. " You may not have
noticed but I'm not exactly pulling survival tricks out of my bag
hand over fist. I can fish, I know how to hunt deer, and I could
take out your appendix if the need arose. That's pretty much it."
He sighed. " I guess I was just thinking we don't say thank you
very much to each other, you especially." He turned and looked at
her. " Thank you."
" Your welcome, " she stammered. She looked down at her
feet. You are not blushing, she told herself harshly, you are
not blushing just because he complimented you. Its not like he
finds you attractive or anything. He just feels bad for not
acknowledging you. That's not an advance. That's really not
anything.
It wouldn't hurt to return the favor either, she realized
after a moment. Carter wasn't doing such a bad job, not really.
He wasn't the most competent, that was true, but he did try. He
did manage to keep everyone organized and there were a lot of
potential personality conflicts that he smoothed over. Carter
kept everyone from jumping down each other's throats with his
quick deflections and changes in discussion. She looked to Kovac
for physical leadership, where to go, how to get there, but she
realized that they all looked to Carter to keep them focused. "
You know, " she said softly, " Sometimes, when everyone is
arguing and you're there nodding along and then completely turn
everything around, you remind me of Dr. Greene. He had that way
of... agreeing with everyone's points but making sure that his
opinion got full consideration."
He smiled. She spotted a flash of pain cross his face, but
it was gone almost in an instant. " That's about as good of a
compliment as I can ever hope to get. For years he was the doctor
I tried to imitate. I miss Mark... In a way I wish he was here.
He was a good guy." He sighed. " And I wish Peter was here. And
Carol.... And everyone really."
" I know what you mean," she said after a moment. There were
times she even missed the score of homeless people that used the
ER as their crash pad.
Carter chuckled again. " You know, Dr. Weaver said something
to me a few weeks ago. Did you ever think, at this point last
summer, that this is what you'd be doing? That you'd be sitting
here with me in Iowa, fishing. That everyone would be dead and
that you and I and the rest of our group would be the building
blocks of a new civilization? "
" Makes you a touch concerned for the future doesn't it?"
Randi said jokingly. It made her feel frightened in a way, but
deep down she had to admit, it was exhilarating in its own way.
Carter recast his line. " At the time it depressed the hell
out of me. "
" You should hear her go on about the Mir Space Station, "
Randi said. That had been a fun midnight chat.
He laughed. " Yes, we've had that talk too. I guess though,
the best thing we can do is move forward. Things are either going
to be better or worse and it all pretty much depends on us.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by that."
" I never thought I'd ever be in Iowa." Randi said, hoping
to cheer him up. " You know, this is the farthest I've ever been
from Chicago. " She found herself looking him over. He was, she
admitted, a good looking clumsy bumbler. " This is probably the
first time we ever really talked too. You gotta wonder... Think
we'd ever have talked like this before the plague?"
Carter looked at her again, this time with sudden interest
in his eyes. " Probably not, but I've been regretting that for a
while now. Maybe we should start over. You're not Randi the desk
clerk and I'm not John the doctor, not any more. Its a different
world. " He held out his hand to her. " Hi, I'm John. Would you
like to learn how to catch fish?"
She smiled, and took his hand in hers. " I'm Randi, and yes
I would."
He handed her the pole. " Maybe later you can show me how to
pick locks."
And maybe, she thought as she took the pole, this is what I
hope it is. She cast out the line, and let his hands guide hers
as they fished together.