" ER/Stand part 20 "
Is it me, Lucy wondered, or are these two trying to piss me
off? She didn't think it was intentional on their part, not
really, but Doug and Kerry were making her nuts. Being left alone
with the town drunk and town crazy was not helping. Everyone else
had evidently gone on excursions. Randi hadn't even said where
she was going. Not that I'm Randi's keeper, she mused as she
wandered into the restaurant, it just sucks that I'm stuck here.
She still didn't feel that great. She was congested and had
no real appetite, despite the warm pleasant smells that pervaded
the kitchen. She would rather be out exploring the area with
others than stuck waiting for everyone's return. Even Doug had
taken off over an hour ago, looking for something to do. No doubt
he would amuse himself by breaking windows and taking amusing
items from stores. She had to admit, there were times when that
was fun, but Doug tended to get a little too into the
destruction. Deep down, she thought he was very angry at
something. She assumed it was over Carol. She was smart enough to
admit that she didn't know what the problem was, not really. She
hadn't known Carol well. Certainly she had been a nice woman, and
it had been obvious that she was in love with Doug. There had
even been talk among the nurses that they had been trying to have
a baby. That had to be hard, though she again was willing to
admit that it was outside her experience. She'd never had a
relationship longer than a few months and her mother had never
been one to keep a man around for long. She didn't really see the
need herself, though they were handy now and then. More so now,
with the world going to complete hell in a hand basket.
Sometimes, late at night especially, she wanted nothing more than
to have a man's arms around her. That wasn't a particularly
feminist notion, but it wasn't a very feminist world either. Some
of the people they had come across had been dangerous. If they
hadn't had a few large, strong looking men in their group, Lucy
suspected there would have been trouble.
I'm bored, she decided. And whatever Kerry is making smells
good. She walked into the restaurant kitchen. It was a little
dim, even with the early afternoon bright sunlight streaming in
through the west windows. The windows were just too small and the
kitchen had depended on electrical lighting. Lucy sighed. She
missed electricity. She really missed hot water. A long hot
shower would feel so good, she thought.
Kerry was fussing at the oven. There were cookies lined up
on the counter, a lot of cookies. Lucy almost smiled. She
wondered if Kerry realized that she telegraphed her level of
tension and upset by cooking job lots of food. Even as starved as
they all were for food that didn't come out of a can or loaded
with preservatives, there was no way they could eat six dozen
cookies in one sitting. At least they keep well, Lucy thought,
and maybe she'll make us pancakes tomorrow. " Dr. Weaver? What
are you doing?"
" I think it's rather obvious," Kerry muttered. She pulled a
tray of cookies out of the oven. " And I said you could call me
Kerry. We're not at work, and I am not your boss. In fact, as I
understand the secret schedule, you're my keeper for the day. It
makes using titles of respect a little ridiculous, don't you
think?"
Oh good, Lucy though, I get to be the one blamed for this.
Wonderful. I deserve this, I really do. It wasn't even my idea,
it was Kovac's and he was more worried that she'd have dizziness
as a side effect. That had been her concern too. " We were
worried about side effects of the medication. You know, Prozac
causes dizziness. What if you fell or something? What if you
steered that truck into a tree because you were dizzy? How do you
think we'd feel if that happened?"
" Spare me your concern, and your good intentions." Kerry
slid the hot cookies off the sheet and onto the counter. " It
wasn't discussed with me, was it?" She was definitely angry.
Angry and very tired looking.
And of course I get left holding the bag, Lucy thought
tiredly. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not even a doctor, and I'm
the one left alone with the delusional woman. The same delusional
woman who has been not only delusional but probably suicidal
since mid June, one of the unspoken reasons that Lucy worried
about letting her drive by herself. " Were you in any state of
mind to talk about it? Really? Because in case you forgot, you
were acting pretty strange. You still are. You haven't said more
than two words to anyone since everything happened, and you
wonder why we're concerned. Did it ever cross your mind that
we've been worried?"
She was shouting but she didn't care. The truth was, she had
been sick with worry for the last six weeks. Worry that the flu
was going to kill everyone, worry that Doug was going to choke on
his own vomit after a drinking binge, worry that someone was
going to shoot at them, and worry that Kerry was going to snap
and have a real psychotic break. She worried that her dreams kept
intensifying to the point where she felt like she was playing
russian roulette with sleep. She worried like hell and she didn't
feel like taking the blame for a situation that wasn't of her
making.
Her words seemed to strike Kerry like sharp blows. The older
woman paled. " I'm sorry..." she said softly. " I just... None of
you even talk to me." She put a hand to her head, as if a
headache had come on suddenly. " You can talk to me if you're
concerned. I shouldn't have to overhear you all discussing me
like I'm a mentally incompetent child. I'm not afraid of
discussing what happened, I just don't remember very much.
Maybe... maybe I'd like to talk about it. Maybe it would help."
Am I seeing things, Lucy wondered with something close to
awe, or is she about to cry? Have we completely isolated her with
our concern? We've made it worse, she realized sadly. A lot of
her fear about Kerry's behavior faded in that instant. It wasn't
psychosis, it wasn't even depression, not really. " We can talk.
I guess we all just thought that you didn't want to talk. We can
talk over cookies." She started to grab a cookie off of a small
pile that had been set aside from the rest. Kerry quickly jumped
forward and smacked her hand.
" Don't eat those, " she warned. " Those are bad."
" Why? Whats wrong with them?" Lucy dropped the cookie and
Kerry scooped them up and tossed them into a nearby trash can.
They had looked fine. " Bad batch?"
Kerry nodded. " I um... Some rat poison was next to the
sugar. I mixed these up and then... I realized they were bad but
I figured I could use them to test the oven."
That was a little odd, Lucy thought. " There was rat poison
next to the sugar?"
" I thought it was strange too," Kerry said quickly. Lucy
wasn't quite sure how to take that. It was strange, a little too
strange, but she put aside her misgivings. " Why don't we go into
the restaurant?"
" Hey there!" Both women turned at the sound of Doug's
voice. He sauntered into the kitchen, holding several paper
grocery bags in his arms. " I went shopping. Kerry, do you still
feel like cooking? Because I brought some brownie mix, and if you
were to make brownies, I'm prepared to give you a bright shiny
Rolex." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the watch. Lucy
was no expert, but it was easily a five thousand dollar item. "
Come on Kerry, don't make me dangle it in a hypnotic fashion."
Kerry looked at him and then at Lucy. Finally she took the
bags from him and started to unpack them. " You don't have to ply
me with shiny objects. You just have to ask. Do you want
chocolate chips in them?"
Doug smiled. " You are so much easier to get along with when
you've taken your happy pills. I would love chocolate chips. What
do you think, Lucy?"
Lucy wanted to shake him. She was about to help Kerry and
now she saw the opportunity circling the toilet. He had
distracted Kerry and now the opportunity had passed. " Chocolate
chips in the brownies are fine. " She started to edge towards the
door. " Are you ok, Kerry?"
" I'm fine. We can talk later." Kerry returned to unpacking
the groceries. Doug turned to go, but Kerry stopped him with a
look. " Did I say I didn't want the watch?"
Doug grinned and chuckled, and for an instant, Lucy saw the
man that he had been before. Charming, flirtatious, maybe a
little irresponsible. He presented the watch to Kerry with a
flourish. " For you, my sweet little mentally unbalanced
chickadee."
He's flirting with her, Lucy thought. Not seriously, but
he's definitely flirting, and she thought it was a little creepy.
Even more creepy was that Kerry was clearly enjoying it, if not
taking it very seriously. She followed Doug out into the
restaurant. It wasn't his fault, she understood that, but she had
to discuss it with someone and for once Doug wasn't drunk.
" Doug, " she said, " You interrupted something there. I
think Kerry was about to talk about what happened that day with
Walker."
" Really?" Doug said casually. He walked over to the
restaurant bar and cracked open a beer. " She was actually going
to discuss the whole rape and everything? With you?" He seemed
incredulous.
" She was raped?" Lucy was stunned. " Captain Walker raped
her? How do you know that?" It made sense, that was the sad part.
It made a lot of sense.
He shrugged. " I examined her right after. I don't know for
certain, but it's a pretty good guess. She said she didn't
remember. " He took a long drink of beer. " However, I'm guessing
by your stunned expression that she didn't tell you anything
about it, so I don't think it should go any further. I shouldn't
have said anything. You shouldn't say anything."
" Doug, that's exactly what I mean. " She was about to say
more but Doug waved his hand at her.
" Lucy, if you were raped, or maybe raped, would you really
want a long public discussion with our traveling companions over
it? Would it make you feel better? Or would it feel like you were
being raped again? Think about it. I didn't say anything because
in case you missed it, Kerry's not the most open person. If she
wants to talk, great. I agree with you, she needs to talk. You
just don't need to bring up that. I wasn't supposed to tell
anyone." Doug drank more of his beer.
" Doug..." He had a point, Lucy reasoned, but at the same
time, it seemed like they were just going to ignore the problem.
Much the way they ignored Doug's drinking. Why not give that a
try, Lucy thought. " Doug, you really are drinking too much. It's
three in the afternoon. You're going to hurt yourself doing this.
Do you think Carol would want you to do this to yourself?"
That wasn't the thing to say, she realized. Doug's
expression went from serious to irritated in an instant. " Lucy,
you don't mention Carol to me. You barely knew Carol. You don't
have the right to talk about what Carol would or wouldn't have
wanted. Are we clear on that?" She nodded, sensing that she had
pushed too far. Doug was another one that needed to talk, but she
was in over her head. He drank more beer. " I do not need some
wet behind the ears little girl telling me what to do."
I don't need this, Lucy decided. She wanted to help, she
did, but he wasn't ready and she didn't want to have an argument.
" Doug, just think about it, all right?"
He waved her off, and she took the hint. I'm going to lie
down, she decided and finish shaking off this cold. Everyone else
can try handling this. My turn is over.
Is it me, Lucy wondered, or are these two trying to piss me
off? She didn't think it was intentional on their part, not
really, but Doug and Kerry were making her nuts. Being left alone
with the town drunk and town crazy was not helping. Everyone else
had evidently gone on excursions. Randi hadn't even said where
she was going. Not that I'm Randi's keeper, she mused as she
wandered into the restaurant, it just sucks that I'm stuck here.
She still didn't feel that great. She was congested and had
no real appetite, despite the warm pleasant smells that pervaded
the kitchen. She would rather be out exploring the area with
others than stuck waiting for everyone's return. Even Doug had
taken off over an hour ago, looking for something to do. No doubt
he would amuse himself by breaking windows and taking amusing
items from stores. She had to admit, there were times when that
was fun, but Doug tended to get a little too into the
destruction. Deep down, she thought he was very angry at
something. She assumed it was over Carol. She was smart enough to
admit that she didn't know what the problem was, not really. She
hadn't known Carol well. Certainly she had been a nice woman, and
it had been obvious that she was in love with Doug. There had
even been talk among the nurses that they had been trying to have
a baby. That had to be hard, though she again was willing to
admit that it was outside her experience. She'd never had a
relationship longer than a few months and her mother had never
been one to keep a man around for long. She didn't really see the
need herself, though they were handy now and then. More so now,
with the world going to complete hell in a hand basket.
Sometimes, late at night especially, she wanted nothing more than
to have a man's arms around her. That wasn't a particularly
feminist notion, but it wasn't a very feminist world either. Some
of the people they had come across had been dangerous. If they
hadn't had a few large, strong looking men in their group, Lucy
suspected there would have been trouble.
I'm bored, she decided. And whatever Kerry is making smells
good. She walked into the restaurant kitchen. It was a little
dim, even with the early afternoon bright sunlight streaming in
through the west windows. The windows were just too small and the
kitchen had depended on electrical lighting. Lucy sighed. She
missed electricity. She really missed hot water. A long hot
shower would feel so good, she thought.
Kerry was fussing at the oven. There were cookies lined up
on the counter, a lot of cookies. Lucy almost smiled. She
wondered if Kerry realized that she telegraphed her level of
tension and upset by cooking job lots of food. Even as starved as
they all were for food that didn't come out of a can or loaded
with preservatives, there was no way they could eat six dozen
cookies in one sitting. At least they keep well, Lucy thought,
and maybe she'll make us pancakes tomorrow. " Dr. Weaver? What
are you doing?"
" I think it's rather obvious," Kerry muttered. She pulled a
tray of cookies out of the oven. " And I said you could call me
Kerry. We're not at work, and I am not your boss. In fact, as I
understand the secret schedule, you're my keeper for the day. It
makes using titles of respect a little ridiculous, don't you
think?"
Oh good, Lucy though, I get to be the one blamed for this.
Wonderful. I deserve this, I really do. It wasn't even my idea,
it was Kovac's and he was more worried that she'd have dizziness
as a side effect. That had been her concern too. " We were
worried about side effects of the medication. You know, Prozac
causes dizziness. What if you fell or something? What if you
steered that truck into a tree because you were dizzy? How do you
think we'd feel if that happened?"
" Spare me your concern, and your good intentions." Kerry
slid the hot cookies off the sheet and onto the counter. " It
wasn't discussed with me, was it?" She was definitely angry.
Angry and very tired looking.
And of course I get left holding the bag, Lucy thought
tiredly. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not even a doctor, and I'm
the one left alone with the delusional woman. The same delusional
woman who has been not only delusional but probably suicidal
since mid June, one of the unspoken reasons that Lucy worried
about letting her drive by herself. " Were you in any state of
mind to talk about it? Really? Because in case you forgot, you
were acting pretty strange. You still are. You haven't said more
than two words to anyone since everything happened, and you
wonder why we're concerned. Did it ever cross your mind that
we've been worried?"
She was shouting but she didn't care. The truth was, she had
been sick with worry for the last six weeks. Worry that the flu
was going to kill everyone, worry that Doug was going to choke on
his own vomit after a drinking binge, worry that someone was
going to shoot at them, and worry that Kerry was going to snap
and have a real psychotic break. She worried that her dreams kept
intensifying to the point where she felt like she was playing
russian roulette with sleep. She worried like hell and she didn't
feel like taking the blame for a situation that wasn't of her
making.
Her words seemed to strike Kerry like sharp blows. The older
woman paled. " I'm sorry..." she said softly. " I just... None of
you even talk to me." She put a hand to her head, as if a
headache had come on suddenly. " You can talk to me if you're
concerned. I shouldn't have to overhear you all discussing me
like I'm a mentally incompetent child. I'm not afraid of
discussing what happened, I just don't remember very much.
Maybe... maybe I'd like to talk about it. Maybe it would help."
Am I seeing things, Lucy wondered with something close to
awe, or is she about to cry? Have we completely isolated her with
our concern? We've made it worse, she realized sadly. A lot of
her fear about Kerry's behavior faded in that instant. It wasn't
psychosis, it wasn't even depression, not really. " We can talk.
I guess we all just thought that you didn't want to talk. We can
talk over cookies." She started to grab a cookie off of a small
pile that had been set aside from the rest. Kerry quickly jumped
forward and smacked her hand.
" Don't eat those, " she warned. " Those are bad."
" Why? Whats wrong with them?" Lucy dropped the cookie and
Kerry scooped them up and tossed them into a nearby trash can.
They had looked fine. " Bad batch?"
Kerry nodded. " I um... Some rat poison was next to the
sugar. I mixed these up and then... I realized they were bad but
I figured I could use them to test the oven."
That was a little odd, Lucy thought. " There was rat poison
next to the sugar?"
" I thought it was strange too," Kerry said quickly. Lucy
wasn't quite sure how to take that. It was strange, a little too
strange, but she put aside her misgivings. " Why don't we go into
the restaurant?"
" Hey there!" Both women turned at the sound of Doug's
voice. He sauntered into the kitchen, holding several paper
grocery bags in his arms. " I went shopping. Kerry, do you still
feel like cooking? Because I brought some brownie mix, and if you
were to make brownies, I'm prepared to give you a bright shiny
Rolex." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the watch. Lucy
was no expert, but it was easily a five thousand dollar item. "
Come on Kerry, don't make me dangle it in a hypnotic fashion."
Kerry looked at him and then at Lucy. Finally she took the
bags from him and started to unpack them. " You don't have to ply
me with shiny objects. You just have to ask. Do you want
chocolate chips in them?"
Doug smiled. " You are so much easier to get along with when
you've taken your happy pills. I would love chocolate chips. What
do you think, Lucy?"
Lucy wanted to shake him. She was about to help Kerry and
now she saw the opportunity circling the toilet. He had
distracted Kerry and now the opportunity had passed. " Chocolate
chips in the brownies are fine. " She started to edge towards the
door. " Are you ok, Kerry?"
" I'm fine. We can talk later." Kerry returned to unpacking
the groceries. Doug turned to go, but Kerry stopped him with a
look. " Did I say I didn't want the watch?"
Doug grinned and chuckled, and for an instant, Lucy saw the
man that he had been before. Charming, flirtatious, maybe a
little irresponsible. He presented the watch to Kerry with a
flourish. " For you, my sweet little mentally unbalanced
chickadee."
He's flirting with her, Lucy thought. Not seriously, but
he's definitely flirting, and she thought it was a little creepy.
Even more creepy was that Kerry was clearly enjoying it, if not
taking it very seriously. She followed Doug out into the
restaurant. It wasn't his fault, she understood that, but she had
to discuss it with someone and for once Doug wasn't drunk.
" Doug, " she said, " You interrupted something there. I
think Kerry was about to talk about what happened that day with
Walker."
" Really?" Doug said casually. He walked over to the
restaurant bar and cracked open a beer. " She was actually going
to discuss the whole rape and everything? With you?" He seemed
incredulous.
" She was raped?" Lucy was stunned. " Captain Walker raped
her? How do you know that?" It made sense, that was the sad part.
It made a lot of sense.
He shrugged. " I examined her right after. I don't know for
certain, but it's a pretty good guess. She said she didn't
remember. " He took a long drink of beer. " However, I'm guessing
by your stunned expression that she didn't tell you anything
about it, so I don't think it should go any further. I shouldn't
have said anything. You shouldn't say anything."
" Doug, that's exactly what I mean. " She was about to say
more but Doug waved his hand at her.
" Lucy, if you were raped, or maybe raped, would you really
want a long public discussion with our traveling companions over
it? Would it make you feel better? Or would it feel like you were
being raped again? Think about it. I didn't say anything because
in case you missed it, Kerry's not the most open person. If she
wants to talk, great. I agree with you, she needs to talk. You
just don't need to bring up that. I wasn't supposed to tell
anyone." Doug drank more of his beer.
" Doug..." He had a point, Lucy reasoned, but at the same
time, it seemed like they were just going to ignore the problem.
Much the way they ignored Doug's drinking. Why not give that a
try, Lucy thought. " Doug, you really are drinking too much. It's
three in the afternoon. You're going to hurt yourself doing this.
Do you think Carol would want you to do this to yourself?"
That wasn't the thing to say, she realized. Doug's
expression went from serious to irritated in an instant. " Lucy,
you don't mention Carol to me. You barely knew Carol. You don't
have the right to talk about what Carol would or wouldn't have
wanted. Are we clear on that?" She nodded, sensing that she had
pushed too far. Doug was another one that needed to talk, but she
was in over her head. He drank more beer. " I do not need some
wet behind the ears little girl telling me what to do."
I don't need this, Lucy decided. She wanted to help, she
did, but he wasn't ready and she didn't want to have an argument.
" Doug, just think about it, all right?"
He waved her off, and she took the hint. I'm going to lie
down, she decided and finish shaking off this cold. Everyone else
can try handling this. My turn is over.