1 Cor. 13:1-3

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy,
and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that moves the mountains,
but have not love,
I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and the helpless,
and surrender my body to the flames,
but have not love,
I gain nothing.

Chapter Fifty One: The Key to it All, P.1

Leah

Her doe-like eyes were full of pity.

"I could never even begin to explain it, dear."

The color of burnt caramel, her eyes reminded me of the amber grass that grew on Los Acantilados de Esperanza, where Henry and I had played as children. The soft pang of loss and regret that ran through me was as much for Las Colinas Brillantes, the happy villa in Italy, as it was for the loss of my brother. Some of the happiest days of my youth had been spent in that beautiful place.

"It is as if you've asked me to explain the concept of eternity. Love is not made to be explained, but to be lived."

"Try!" I cried out in frustration, my raw, unfettered voice expressing the depth of my emptiness as it echoed all around us.

Ashamed at my lapse of control, but unable to regain it, I lowered my voice to a soft whisper. "I am sorry, I … I shouldn't have-"

She merely drew my shoulders closer into her warm, almost motherly embrace. "Il n'y a pas de quoi."

After a moment's pause, she took in a thoughtful breath and spoke.

"Love is confusing. Your heart tugs you in a thousand different directions at once, and refuses to tell you which is the right way. At first, whenever you look at him, you will feel as though you want to run and hide, bashfully stutter and make a fool of yourself, and jump into his arms all at once.

You will find yourself thinking of him at the oddest moments of the day: While you are in the kitchen, as you wash in the morning, and when you are walking in the streets. He will sometimes seem to notice you, and then there will be other days when you are sure that he doesn't know that you are alive. It will make you want to rip your hair from its roots in frustration, but it is worth every second of trouble.

And love can be utterly terrifying. When you are near him, sometimes you will be so nervous that you feel ill. You'll feel as though you've just swallowed some sort of furry little rodent that is leaping about inside you, and half of the night you will be absolutely certain that the abominable thing is going to escape, leap from your throat, attack the poor man, and knaw off his face.

Even the most conservative of women will spend countless hours in front of their mirror, wondering how to make themselves more attractive. Would he kiss me if I wore a bit more rouge? Would he like it if I fixed my hair like this? You'll spend an eternity modeling every last scrap of clothing you own, only to discover that you have nothing to wear, and that you would be better off going stark naked.

You often wonder for hours about what he feels for you, or spend days wondering if you might have done something foolish the last time you saw him. Were you too forward? Too reserved? Too brazen? Too polite? Did he notice that there was a bit of food stuck in your teeth, or was he simply smiling because he was happy?

It is as though you are standing on the edge of a cliff above dark water, with no way of knowing what lies below. Can you find the courage to let go of what you've always thought was solid land to fall into the unknown?

But above all, love is wonderful.

It is that feeling that you have when the sun is shining on your back on a cool day, and you feel its warmth like gentle blanket. It is as exciting as dancing as the Prima Ballerina, with all of Paris applauding on its feet. Love makes you come alive, and you see and touch and feel and think in ways that you couldn't even have comprehended before it came along.

It is like a key fitting into a lock, finding that you were fashioned just to fit together with your love, and no one else. In his arms, it is as though you are finally complete, you have found the one thing that you have been missing and needing all of your life.

Most of all, it reminds me of music.

Sometimes it is grand and powerful and moving, like the most beautiful aria or a triumphant choir, and sometimes it is sweet and golden, like a child's lullaby. No matter what form it takes, no matter what pain it brings you or how hard you have to fight for it, love is always something beautiful."

Something far down inside me throbbed in pain with every word she spoke, knowing that I would never, never feel this. For the first time in years, I wanted to cry. I needed to release the hurt that was eating me alive, but I could not.

It was as if I had simply forgotten how to weep.

I wanted to, I did. Ever fiber of my being screamed out to be unleashed, to grieve for all that I would never know, but I could not do it!

Perhaps I had finally beaten the instinct out of my heart, after so many nights of holding back the tears that threatened to drown me. Perhaps that part of my heart was finally dead.

I did not know whether to be regretful or relieved, but all that I could think of at the moment was the pain.

Beth must have noticed my travail, for she held me closer still and murmured soft apologies in my ear.

With one swift motion, I disentangled myself from her comforting arms. Couldn't she tell that I needed to be alone? Her presence was like a dagger in my belly, a sharp, violent reminder that everyone around me had found what I would never discover. Every door was locked to me, and I would never find my way to a place I could call home.

Apparently, Beth was not a mind reader.

As soon as I saw the look of hurt in her eyes, I wished that I had not moved.

"I am sorry Beth." I said faintly as I turned away from her injury, staring into the eternal blackness that enshrouded the unachievable shores of the other side of the lake.

If I were to swim out there, could I simply go on forever and loose myself in that black abyss? Could I end the torture in my soul?

"I shouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know, I suppose." I tried to lighten the mood as I twirled back to face her, returning regretfully to the land of the living. "Sa la vive, no?"

She gave a slight smile in return, wordlessly telling me that all was forgotten and forgiven. I let out a little sigh of relief, and followed her lead as she wobbled towards shore and began to collect her things. A few minutes of idle chatter repaired nearly all of the damage that we had done to one another, Beth's wounded pride beginning to mend, and my bleeding heart attempting to form a scab over the mortal blow she had dealt it. An atmosphere of playful banter gradually re-coagulated about us, but my mind continued to wander down paths of sorrow.

Why had I squandered my chances? Why hadn't I traded my body for a bit of their hearts while I still had the chance?

"Beth?" I asked shyly.

"Hmm?"

"What is it like, to … well … that is to say … on your wedding night, is … oh, dear …" I faltered.

"Oh!" She chirped as we both proceeded to blush in shades that any rose would have envied. "That …"

"Oh, Beth, forget that I said it at all!" I cried in embarrassment. "I was just … was he your first?"

My dear friend's blush deepened only the slightest bit, but her smile grew more and more prominent.

"Yes." She said with a touch of pride in her voice as she remembered it. "Although, and don't you breath a word of this to anyone!"

I nodded, swearing my secrecy.

She came close and barely pronounced her words, as though afraid that we would be overheard. "We didn't wait for the wedding night."

It was my turn to yelp a little "Oh!", as we both returned to our blushing.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, my curiosity overcame my better judgment.

"Do you … well … do you regret having …"

"No! Of course not! … And yes, a little bit."

"I have no regrets about actually … well … Ahem. But I do wish we would have waited. We both felt so guilty afterwards, even though the wedding was only weeks away."

"But why? You said yourself, you were nearly married anyhow. Why feel guilty?"

Beth tilted her head to the side for an instant as she pondered her answer.

"I was always told that your body was a gift that belonged to God until your wedding day. Then it is yours to … uh … give to your husband. I suppose we both felt a bit like we were robbing God in a sense."

"Oh." Perhaps she had a point, I thought dejectedly. There was a good reason that I had not acted on my thoughts. Had I had forgotten about my faith in a momentary madness brought on by my loneliness? I knew there was a reason that I had refused!

And perhaps it was better this way.

Beth retrieved the last of her things and asked me to come up with her, before turning to leave. I declined, despite the eerie environment, opting to have a moment to myself in the utter stillness of the dark cellar.

Once her footsteps had receded into the unfathomable distance, I was truly alone with my thoughts as I picked up the lantern and began to walk aimlessly over the slippery rocks, contemplating all that I had just learned.

I paid no attention to my unnerving surroundings, for I was far too lost in the pathways of my thoughts to notice where I was going.

-O-

Little did I know that the unknown presence of another would soon alter my life forever…

Authoress's Notes:

Ooo, CLIFFY! Bum, bum, ba! So, predictions? What is Leah thinking? What is ERIC thinking? What do you think is going to happen?

Come on, you know you want to give it a shot! Even bad guessers get it right once in a while. (winks slyly in JPT's general direction)

What did you think of the chapter's content?

Empress Kipper- Schlepping is officially my new favorite word! And your dog show story caused 'giggles to abound from my lips'. Your faithful reviewing and offers of swimming lessons (Here, nessie!) make my heart overflow with happiness.

JPT- Mouse in his pocket? Huh? (stares at you in general confusion) Are you referring to his um … genetic assets?

A deranged, deformed, musical genius who is dangerously obsessed with Tina and has a SEXY voice that lives under the Garnier?

Pu-lease.

I might be crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy!

Am I?

Homeless Leotyne- Did you enjoy your wedding? I might even have a short Leah/Leotyne scene sometime latter…

Hmm, I think I am going to give you a new knick-name. No reason, just had the urge… Leotyne, Leo, Leo the Lion … Tigger. I henceforth dub thee Tigger. ♪ the wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of bottoms, their bottoms are made out of springs…♫

Bounce, darn you, bounce!

My Beloved Fish- Circles… Huh? 0-0?

Why is everyone sending me reviews that don't make sense? (begins to cry) I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Then again, incomprehension is a pretty normal way of life for me. When I am confused, all is right with the world.

Sad to hear about your car! I hope teaching is fun, even if taxing. And don't worry dear, your reviews are always helpful, as they brighten my day.