" ER/Stand part 25 "
She watched as the young man put more wood on the fire and
stirred their dinner of Campbell's Soup. As nice as it was to have
someone besides herself cook the evening meal, the truth was that
she didn't feel hungry at all. It was funny, in a sick way that
she suspected only she would appreciate. Everyone dies of some
super enhanced flu, but the regular flu was still happily
infecting everyone left. Kerry coughed again.
She eyed the several boxes of cold medicine and cough syrup
that Dave had picked up for her when they had raided a small
convenience store for dinner. They had decided, after some
extensive gun shopping, to get out of the town for the night.
They were making camp in an actual campground, under a wooden
pavilion that was intended for picnicking. Dave had moved the
tables so instead of a cold miserable wet night in a tent, they
would have a cold miserable dry night. Dry was better than wet,
but it didn't change the basic fact that she was sick and
freezing from fever chills. She had a feeling she wouldn't even
be able to taste the soup that Dave was raving about. Her entire
mouth felt numb from the menthol cough drops.
" Hey, you know, there's a bunch of extra sleeping bags, if
you're cold." Dave got up as he spoke and brought her another
sleeping bag. He set it down next to her. Then, he ladled some
soup into mugs. He handed one of the mugs to her and sat down
beside her. His expression became serious, a look she realized
already that didn't come to him easily. A cheerful, happy go
lucky sort, that was Dave Malucci. In an odd, pleasant way, he
reminded her of Doug Ross, with his good humor and devil may care
attitude. Much like Doug, if something put a serious look on his
face, it had to be important, or at least important in his own
mind. She didn't know if she felt well enough to deal with it.
She sipped the soup. Much as she suspected, she couldn't
really taste it. She sipped it any way. Not eating, she reminded
herself, was part of what happened before. She had hardly eaten
that day and she knew better. She didn't want to get any sicker.
Not with some band of killers running around.
Dave eyed her as he sipped his own soup. Finally he started
to speak. " Listen, I know we've just met and all... But you said
something so I have to ask. Were you really trying to kill
yourself? You seem pretty together so when you said that, I was
surprised. Are you depressed?"
He was blunt. She wasn't sure whether she liked that or
not. It was certainly disarming. It didn't help that she was
running a fever and ached to talk about her dreams. Not just
dreams, she reminded herself, psychotic delusions. Don't forget
that you think your dreams are real. That's not the mark of a sane
person. Why not, she decided tiredly. At least it gives him a
chance to make a decision based on all the facts. He might not
want to tie himself down with a crazed, limping woman. " I'm not
depressed, not really. I just... Ever since this summer
started... " She took a deep breath. It was hard to say,
especially since it hadn't been until the night before that she
really started to remember what had happened. " I killed a man.
He was sick, and he was threatening my friends but..."
" He raped you didn't he?" Dave asked casually. " I mean,
you jump every time I brush up against you and I'm not even
trying to, you know, come on to you. My mom was raped once. She
wouldn't let my dad touch her for a month. You just... remind me
of that." He looked away, seeming to be embarrassed. " I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt..."
" Its all right. And you're right." She paused. " I was
raped. " She pulled the sleeping bag around herself. For the
first time it wasn't a struggle to recall. Since the day before,
the memories of early summer had slowly come back. It wasn't
pleasant but she had a feeling that if she didn't talk about it
now, she wouldn't at all and things would just get worse. " I was
just... checking on some patients. He came up behind me... I'd
set my crutch down and he must have found it. I felt a blinding
pain on the right side of my head... When I came around, he was
on top of me... I didn't fight him, I couldn't. He was holding me
down and he was so much bigger than me. " She stopped for moment.
" He just kept hitting me... even after he was done. I couldn't
move, I was in that much pain. " She stopped for a moment. It was
difficult to think about, even with the memories coming back. " I
must have lost consciousness a few times because what I remember
is disjointed. I remember getting up and dragging myself over to
one of the dead men. I remember finding the gun. The next thing I
remember is asking Randi to help find my crutch. I heard
something in the hallway. He was there, with a gun and he fired
at Lucy. I just.... I was so angry. I just fired at him. Then I
was relieved I'd hit him, I fired some more."
" So you got him what? Three, four times?" Dave asked.
" More like fifteen. I actually reloaded the gun so I could
shoot him some more." She pulled the sleeping bag closer. She was
feeling very cold and somehow she knew it wasn't just the
slightly chilly night air.
Dave looked at her. She wasn't sure whether he was shocked
or amused. Finally he shook his head. " You mean, you have been
beating yourself up all summer over killing some piece of shit
that raped you and left you to die? Was he sick with the flu?"
" Yes..."
" So he was doomed anyway and you actually showed him some
mercy by killing him before he went into the final stages." He
moved closer to her. It was obvious he was trying to be
comforting without jumping into her space. " Look, I can
understand being a little freaked out. Ok, I actually don't
understand the whole rape thing, but I know that's not easy for
a woman. So you killed this guy. You said he was dangerous and he
shot somebody else after he attacked you. Is it just that you
overdid it? Or that you were so angry? Because you pretty much
did the same thing yesterday and I don't regret it one bit."
" I wasn't angry yesterday," she said softly. " I just... He
was going to kill you. I could tell. I couldn't let that happen."
" And this other guy... He was shooting up your friends
right?" Dave pressed on. " Were they upset that you killed him?
Or were they grateful that they weren't killed?"
" They were grateful..." Her voice trailed off. They had
been grateful and none of them had so much as chastised her over
it. " They thought I had gone crazy. After a while... I'm not
sure they're wrong."
Dave considered that for a moment. " You don't seem crazy.
Granted, its not I even did a psych rotation, but just shooting
someone doesn't make you insane. I think you're being way too
hard on yourself. Have you done anything since then that's crazy?
Talking to people that aren't there? You don't just think you're
a doctor, right? Like, tomorrow you will still be a doctor, and
not a lawyer or some sort of electrical engineer?"
" I'm a doctor. I went to John Hopkins Medical School. " It
was easy to see that he was trying to make her feel better, but
it wasn't helping. Not really. She hadn't been totally honest. "
I've been having dreams that sometimes I think are real. There's
a man... His name is Flagg and he keeps... taunting me I suppose.
He says he wants me to join him and promises everything..."
" But he wants everything in return." Dave spoke grimly. "
Do you ever have the dream where he's in Las Vegas presiding over
the crucifixion of a bunch of drug dealers? That one is
terrible."
" What?" She wasn't sure if she had heard him correctly.
He'd just described one of her worst dreams.
He eyed her carefully. " Everyone in your group... they
haven't been sleeping all that great have they?"
" No... not really." It was something she hadn't really
considered. She certainly hadn't been sleeping well and if she
did get up in the middle of the night, there was almost always
someone else up that hadn't been able to sleep. She hadn't placed
any importance to it, but now she started to wonder.
" I thought I was going crazy until I met up with some
people." Dave said easily. " Then Jerry told me that he was
having really odd dreams and we compared notes. Do you have the
dream about the old woman? In Nebraska? "
" With the farmhouse that's almost right in the middle of a
giant corn field?" As the younger man nodded along with her, she
couldn't help but suddenly feel a weird realization that things
weren't quite what she thought. It was a strange feeling, and
though she was irritated to say the least that she had spent the
summer making herself miserable, she also couldn't help but feel
incredibly relieved. There was no good explanation as to why they
were having the same dream, and she knew that later, she would
probably drive herself to distraction trying to make sense of why
it was happening, but for the moment, she let herself feel
relieved.
" There's a tire swing in the front yard," Dave said by way
of agreement. " But she's not there, now." He paused, She
suspected it was a test of some sort.
" She's in Boulder. Boulder, Colorado." She said that
strongly because deep down she knew it was true. After a moment,
she saw him nod. She doubted he even realized he was doing it. "
What is happening? This is..."
" Pretty screwy, yeah."
She watched as the young man put more wood on the fire and
stirred their dinner of Campbell's Soup. As nice as it was to have
someone besides herself cook the evening meal, the truth was that
she didn't feel hungry at all. It was funny, in a sick way that
she suspected only she would appreciate. Everyone dies of some
super enhanced flu, but the regular flu was still happily
infecting everyone left. Kerry coughed again.
She eyed the several boxes of cold medicine and cough syrup
that Dave had picked up for her when they had raided a small
convenience store for dinner. They had decided, after some
extensive gun shopping, to get out of the town for the night.
They were making camp in an actual campground, under a wooden
pavilion that was intended for picnicking. Dave had moved the
tables so instead of a cold miserable wet night in a tent, they
would have a cold miserable dry night. Dry was better than wet,
but it didn't change the basic fact that she was sick and
freezing from fever chills. She had a feeling she wouldn't even
be able to taste the soup that Dave was raving about. Her entire
mouth felt numb from the menthol cough drops.
" Hey, you know, there's a bunch of extra sleeping bags, if
you're cold." Dave got up as he spoke and brought her another
sleeping bag. He set it down next to her. Then, he ladled some
soup into mugs. He handed one of the mugs to her and sat down
beside her. His expression became serious, a look she realized
already that didn't come to him easily. A cheerful, happy go
lucky sort, that was Dave Malucci. In an odd, pleasant way, he
reminded her of Doug Ross, with his good humor and devil may care
attitude. Much like Doug, if something put a serious look on his
face, it had to be important, or at least important in his own
mind. She didn't know if she felt well enough to deal with it.
She sipped the soup. Much as she suspected, she couldn't
really taste it. She sipped it any way. Not eating, she reminded
herself, was part of what happened before. She had hardly eaten
that day and she knew better. She didn't want to get any sicker.
Not with some band of killers running around.
Dave eyed her as he sipped his own soup. Finally he started
to speak. " Listen, I know we've just met and all... But you said
something so I have to ask. Were you really trying to kill
yourself? You seem pretty together so when you said that, I was
surprised. Are you depressed?"
He was blunt. She wasn't sure whether she liked that or
not. It was certainly disarming. It didn't help that she was
running a fever and ached to talk about her dreams. Not just
dreams, she reminded herself, psychotic delusions. Don't forget
that you think your dreams are real. That's not the mark of a sane
person. Why not, she decided tiredly. At least it gives him a
chance to make a decision based on all the facts. He might not
want to tie himself down with a crazed, limping woman. " I'm not
depressed, not really. I just... Ever since this summer
started... " She took a deep breath. It was hard to say,
especially since it hadn't been until the night before that she
really started to remember what had happened. " I killed a man.
He was sick, and he was threatening my friends but..."
" He raped you didn't he?" Dave asked casually. " I mean,
you jump every time I brush up against you and I'm not even
trying to, you know, come on to you. My mom was raped once. She
wouldn't let my dad touch her for a month. You just... remind me
of that." He looked away, seeming to be embarrassed. " I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt..."
" Its all right. And you're right." She paused. " I was
raped. " She pulled the sleeping bag around herself. For the
first time it wasn't a struggle to recall. Since the day before,
the memories of early summer had slowly come back. It wasn't
pleasant but she had a feeling that if she didn't talk about it
now, she wouldn't at all and things would just get worse. " I was
just... checking on some patients. He came up behind me... I'd
set my crutch down and he must have found it. I felt a blinding
pain on the right side of my head... When I came around, he was
on top of me... I didn't fight him, I couldn't. He was holding me
down and he was so much bigger than me. " She stopped for moment.
" He just kept hitting me... even after he was done. I couldn't
move, I was in that much pain. " She stopped for a moment. It was
difficult to think about, even with the memories coming back. " I
must have lost consciousness a few times because what I remember
is disjointed. I remember getting up and dragging myself over to
one of the dead men. I remember finding the gun. The next thing I
remember is asking Randi to help find my crutch. I heard
something in the hallway. He was there, with a gun and he fired
at Lucy. I just.... I was so angry. I just fired at him. Then I
was relieved I'd hit him, I fired some more."
" So you got him what? Three, four times?" Dave asked.
" More like fifteen. I actually reloaded the gun so I could
shoot him some more." She pulled the sleeping bag closer. She was
feeling very cold and somehow she knew it wasn't just the
slightly chilly night air.
Dave looked at her. She wasn't sure whether he was shocked
or amused. Finally he shook his head. " You mean, you have been
beating yourself up all summer over killing some piece of shit
that raped you and left you to die? Was he sick with the flu?"
" Yes..."
" So he was doomed anyway and you actually showed him some
mercy by killing him before he went into the final stages." He
moved closer to her. It was obvious he was trying to be
comforting without jumping into her space. " Look, I can
understand being a little freaked out. Ok, I actually don't
understand the whole rape thing, but I know that's not easy for
a woman. So you killed this guy. You said he was dangerous and he
shot somebody else after he attacked you. Is it just that you
overdid it? Or that you were so angry? Because you pretty much
did the same thing yesterday and I don't regret it one bit."
" I wasn't angry yesterday," she said softly. " I just... He
was going to kill you. I could tell. I couldn't let that happen."
" And this other guy... He was shooting up your friends
right?" Dave pressed on. " Were they upset that you killed him?
Or were they grateful that they weren't killed?"
" They were grateful..." Her voice trailed off. They had
been grateful and none of them had so much as chastised her over
it. " They thought I had gone crazy. After a while... I'm not
sure they're wrong."
Dave considered that for a moment. " You don't seem crazy.
Granted, its not I even did a psych rotation, but just shooting
someone doesn't make you insane. I think you're being way too
hard on yourself. Have you done anything since then that's crazy?
Talking to people that aren't there? You don't just think you're
a doctor, right? Like, tomorrow you will still be a doctor, and
not a lawyer or some sort of electrical engineer?"
" I'm a doctor. I went to John Hopkins Medical School. " It
was easy to see that he was trying to make her feel better, but
it wasn't helping. Not really. She hadn't been totally honest. "
I've been having dreams that sometimes I think are real. There's
a man... His name is Flagg and he keeps... taunting me I suppose.
He says he wants me to join him and promises everything..."
" But he wants everything in return." Dave spoke grimly. "
Do you ever have the dream where he's in Las Vegas presiding over
the crucifixion of a bunch of drug dealers? That one is
terrible."
" What?" She wasn't sure if she had heard him correctly.
He'd just described one of her worst dreams.
He eyed her carefully. " Everyone in your group... they
haven't been sleeping all that great have they?"
" No... not really." It was something she hadn't really
considered. She certainly hadn't been sleeping well and if she
did get up in the middle of the night, there was almost always
someone else up that hadn't been able to sleep. She hadn't placed
any importance to it, but now she started to wonder.
" I thought I was going crazy until I met up with some
people." Dave said easily. " Then Jerry told me that he was
having really odd dreams and we compared notes. Do you have the
dream about the old woman? In Nebraska? "
" With the farmhouse that's almost right in the middle of a
giant corn field?" As the younger man nodded along with her, she
couldn't help but suddenly feel a weird realization that things
weren't quite what she thought. It was a strange feeling, and
though she was irritated to say the least that she had spent the
summer making herself miserable, she also couldn't help but feel
incredibly relieved. There was no good explanation as to why they
were having the same dream, and she knew that later, she would
probably drive herself to distraction trying to make sense of why
it was happening, but for the moment, she let herself feel
relieved.
" There's a tire swing in the front yard," Dave said by way
of agreement. " But she's not there, now." He paused, She
suspected it was a test of some sort.
" She's in Boulder. Boulder, Colorado." She said that
strongly because deep down she knew it was true. After a moment,
she saw him nod. She doubted he even realized he was doing it. "
What is happening? This is..."
" Pretty screwy, yeah."