AN: this chapter takes on a very serious complication of the postpartum period, and just a warning about the dark content. Also, this story will be ending soon, but we're going to start the sequel that will deal with the plot that was working under the pregnancy plot, and promise it'll be a wild ride. Sorry for the delay in updates! As for the bond - it's still there, with Dreya and the baby, it lasts for a full moon cycle, about five to six weeks on Dreya's planet, so the bond is almost finished, and just in time for John...

Not the Daddy…part 31

Pregnancy clock: 4 weeks postpartum

Sheppard strode to the Jumper, purposefully adding jauntiness to his step that he didn't feel. They were going back to Eradia for a few days, to have the legal ceremony for Dreya formalizing that he was Lily's father- father – he still stumbled over that word.

He clearly remembered being told about the bond back when he'd thought he was suffering from nothing more than a virulent case of Eradian flu.

Pregnant – what's that got to do with anything? It'd been his gut reaction to Rodney's revelation, and it'd had everything to do with it – looking back now, his thoughts of 'just get it over with' seemed incredibly naïve. The pregnancy, the birth – the baby…it had changed everything.

The hatch opened, and he marched in. Sitting on the bench were Dreya holding a cooing Lily, and Teyla. Sitting across from them were Ronon and Beckett. John did a double take.

"Doc?"

He really didn't need following like this.

Beckett just smiled pleasantly and answered, "Colonel?"

He set his jaw and figured he could be just as stubborn. He nodded to the man, and headed for the cockpit, paused at the hatch, remembering something, and spun on his feet, stepping in front of Dreya and Lily, before bending down to drop a light kiss on her and grin. "Can't forget my girl," he murmured, before turning and heading back for the pilot's seat.

As he walked through the cockpit door, McKay turned to look at him, and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "That's not going to help, you do realize that?"

Sheppard feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Rodney merely snorted. "Layering your clothes is not going to offer any protection against women attempting to bond you – besides, didn't Dreya tell you that until this bond ends, you're safe?"

Dreya had, but John's knew motto was 'better safe than sorry', and if any Eradian women happened to trip into him, they were going to find out just how hard the ground was.

Of course, that was if he didn't melt first, because the layers of clothing that Rodney had so aptly picked up on, were giving him heat stroke. He'd put on long johns, t-shirt and pants, then another of his black shirts just in case, and finalized the outfit with his jacket and mission vest. If anyone did manage to touch him, maybe the bond would be deflected by the thick layers between them and his skin. His memories were a little vague, but he was pretty sure he'd been in his t-shirt and a vest when Dreya had gotten him.

While he'd meant it that he wouldn't change anything, it didn't mean he was signing up to do it again. Speaking of which, surreptitiously, he eyed McKay. "You sure you aren't too hot, maybe want to take off that jacket?" Give the women another target…

Rodney adjusted his coat and shook his head a little too quickly. "No, no – I'm fine." Changing the subject, he poked a button on the panel and said, "Elizabeth, we're ready here."

Scowling, Sheppard poked the button on his side. "Flight, this is Jumper one. We're prepped and ready." He turned his head towards Rodney. "My ship, my mission, don't be a back seat driver."

Rodney removed his hand from the button and put every ounce of sufferance in his next statement. "Is it just me, or am I sitting in the 'co-pilot's' chair?"

He probably would've been good if he'd left it at that, but Rodney never was one to know when to stop, so he felt the need to add, "Besides, technically, it's not a mission, and your watchdog back there wouldn't even let me pack you a bottle of Nyquil without his permission."

"You packed my bag?" Sheppard's hand had paused over the controls, and he frowned at the pack behind McKay's chair. "I always leave it packed, what'd you do to it?"

"Colonel," drawled McKay in his best 'you are such a silly child' voice, "It's been since Baltar; and what a fun trip that was; since you've been on a mission. I merely – added some things, including Nyquil, because you've got a cold, and God knows, you never take care of yourself as it is -"

Now Sheppard was beginning to look thunderous. "I got you a baby to fuss over, what more do you need?"

"Jumper One," Elizabeth's voice broke over the comms, "You've been cleared for flight." There was a short pause before she finished, "And John - be safe."

She said it warmly, and John knew she wished she could be there, but it was time for the Daedalus to return, and she was needed in the city. It was good enough, because judging from the people in the ship, he had enough babysitters on this trip as it was.

"Copy that, Flight. Jumper One is a go," he said while massaging the controls into movement. The ship rose gracefully, and then dropped when the doors to the gateroom slid open, before shooting into the event horizon.

As they broke through on the other side, McKay continued where he left off. "Are you sure you don't need another jacket, maybe a flak vest – I could've rigged up a kryptonite version if you'd ask nice enough." He was ignoring the baby comment, and the fact wasn't lost on either man.

It took all Sheppard had to remain calm, but he managed. He parked the ship, and stood up, reluctantly grabbing his pack, because now he wondered just what Rodney had put in there, before heading to the back.

"Ready?" he asked Dreya.

She nodded, and he noticed for the first time how emotional she seemed. It looked like it was all she could do to keep things in check. He slid his pack onto his shoulders and held out his arms for Lily. "Here, let me," he said taking her and shushing softly as she fussed at the transfer.

Carson stood and grabbed his things, and so did Ronon and Teyla. McKay had gathered with everyone else, and Sheppard led the way out of the Jumper. It was a supreme effort, to take that first step out that hatch, but he managed without missing a step.

He ignored McKay's mumble to Ronon, "Watch out for grumpy, think he's spent to many late nights with you-know-who."

Rodney calling him grumpy? He almost looked up to see if the sky was falling.

The hike to Dreya's home didn't take long, and when they arrived, Hamas was waiting. Sheppard held back while they shared a happy reunion, but then Dreya was waving him forward, and John realized why. The sleeping infant in his arms, and even though she only weighed eight pounds and some change, the weight was starting to make his arms ache.

He stepped forward, and eased her into Hamas' waiting embrace. The Eradian man seemed spellbound. Sheppard shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling out of place.

The Eradian leader cleared his throat, as if trying to speak clearly, but Sheppard knew it was to help clear the emotion-filled lump in his throat. The small bundle in his arms entranced Hamas, and when he looked up at Dreya, it was with tears in his eyes. "She looks like Beren."

Dreya nodded, as struck by the moment as the other. "She does, Hamas. Your brother will live on."

Brother? John looked over at Rodney, and saw him mouth it to him, asking the same thing – did you know – and all he could do was shake his head. He hadn't known either. Hamas was Beren's brother? And now, Sheppard was as much as stepping in and taking Lily away, along with Dreya. Damn, this was a tangled web. Would the man be resentful? In his place, wouldn't he?

The sudden urge to flee was strong…and take Lily with him.

A hand against his back, and Sheppard slid his eyes over enough to see who – Ronon. He must be getting transparent. The runner merely jerked his head in an equivalent of 'stay', before removing his hand.

After the greetings were finished, the group spread into the house. Hamas had kept it cleaned and in order for her return visits, as infrequent as they may be, and everyone split into groups to put their gear away in the rooms provided. Sheppard and McKay, along with Beckett took one of the larger rooms. There were two big beds and someone had placed something on the floor that looked suspiciously like a futon mattress.

Teyla and Ronon, by mutual agreement, which was definitely something John was going to have to discuss with Teyla, headed for a room while Lily took the one that had been her and her husband's.

John let his bag fall on the ground, and not thinking about just who was in the room with him, let out a soft groan and collapsed on the bed farthest from the door. He was roasting in the clothes, and more tired than he felt he should be, but as Rodney pointed out, he had caught an annoying cold. Beckett had droned on about immune system suppression from the pregnancy and delivery, and being susceptible, but what had gotten him the most was a stern, 'limit contact with the baby so you don't make her sick.

For the most part, he'd complied. For the most part.

Eyes closed, he thought maybe he'd just go to sleep right now, but a touch on his forehead had his eyes snapping open. Beckett was frowning at him, but pulling the hand back, and moving towards his medical bag.

"I'm fine, Doc – just tired."

Beckett ignored him, and Rodney was watching with…concern. "You're warm," said Carson, pulling a thermometer out of his supplies.

Sheppard held a hand up, blocking the intended path of the thermometer. "I'm wearing about five layers of clothing!" He started to shuck out of the vest and jacket, and felt instant relief.

"He's trying to avoid being pregnant again," Rodney said smugly. "I tried to tell him he was safe…"

"I'm on Eradia, and in my book, that's not safe," John retorted waspishly. As he pulled off the extra t-shirt, he glanced into Carson's bag and saw a bottle of pills. His eyes narrowed, and he tried to read the label – even as he did that, a thought wound it's way through his mind, what would happen if he took the entire bottle? It was almost clinical, as he contemplated the fog of the drugged state, and then the darkness after.

Pulling his attention away, he did a mental shake. What was that about? Weird – but then again, sometimes odd random thoughts did occur. He remembered when he was a teen and had gotten his driver's license, more than a few times he'd wondered what would happen if he jerked the wheel that way – the crunch of metal, how hard the impact would be, what damage would it cause? Sometimes weird thoughts happen. That's all it was, he told himself, just a random odd thought, and nothing else.

"Aye, I imagine you don't feel secure, but that's no reason to give yourself heat exhaustion, Colonel." Beckett returned the thermometer to his bag, but still studied Sheppard with more of an eagle eye than John liked, but eventually gave that up as well.

Carson slid off the bed, and returned the medical bag to his things. "I'll be out with the others," he grumbled, before leaving.

Feeling too tired to cope with putting up a wall with Rodney, John slumped back on the bed, now that Carson was gone.

"I really wouldn't let anyone do it again," whispered McKay, suddenly so close that Sheppard felt a jolt inside.

He kept his eyes closed and shrugged. "You wouldn't be able to prevent it."

"I would do my best."

Sheppard's mind drifted back to the bottle of pills – "Sometimes your best isn't good enough."

That stung McKay, and John felt it in the sudden thickness of the air, and regretted his careless words. The events on project Arcturus weren't easily forgotten. Forgiven, definitely, but not forgotten.

Sitting, Sheppard swore, "Damnit, I didn't mean it like that, Rodney."

But McKay was already gone. The pills weren't. Things were too damn complicated. He sighed, and purposefully not looking at Beckett's things, Sheppard headed for the door. He had a ceremony to deal with, and once that was over, he could leave this cursed place for good.

OoO

"By the Eradian custom of our ancestors, I invoke the parental rights requested by Dreya Lathos-Beren, and do decree -" Hamas dabbed a finger into a pot, and drew a straight line down Dreya's forehead, then Lily's, before repeating with Sheppard, "- that John Sheppard do be the father of Lily Beren Sheppard-McKay."

John was kneeling beside Dreya, and Lily rested in Dreya's arms, while Hamas towered over, standing to the side of an altar, dressed in white ceremonial robes. Rodney stood to his right, and a woman that John had met before the ceremony, stood to Dreya's left. It was her mother's sister, as Dreya had explained that her parents had died while she was young.

Hamas stepped back, and wiped his hand on a towel before continuing. "Is there one you would name second father?" prompted Hamas ritually.

John had been walked through a rehearsal so knew how to proceed. He stood, and nodded. "There is. Rodney McKay shall be second father to Lily Beren Sheppard-McKay."

Hamas bowed his head in acknowledgement, and stepped to Rodney, dipping his finger again in the pot, before marking the line on McKay's forehead, matching the lines on Dreya and John.

"Is there one you would name for second mother?"

Dreya had already discussed this with John, so it was no surprise when she said "There is. Teyla Emmagen shall be second mother to Lily Beren Sheppard-McKay."

Teyla stepped into place, having been slightly behind Dreya's aunt, and remained still while Hamas repeated the mark.

When he was finished, he stepped to the center, wiping his hands again, before pronouncing. "To all, look upon the new family of Lily Beren Sheppard-McKay, may she be raised with wisdom and love." Hamas brought his attention to the four figures, and the now squirming infant. "The bond of parent to child is a bond forged in the womb, shared with second mother and father, and a bond of blood."

This too, Sheppard was prepared for, but he still flinched slightly when Hamas drew the ritual blade. He didn't like what this required but like Earth, every culture had their own customs, and while this would not be fun for Lily, it wasn't going to cause any lasting harm, Carson had assured him of that.

Hamas eased Lily's tender foot from the blankets, and make a quick poke, just enough to cause a bead of blood. He siphoned it into a small vial, and then kissed her wound, sealing it with ritual. Dreya held her arm and waited for the small cut that Hamas made, only slightly deeper than a paper cut, and collected a small dribble of her blood. He then repeated with Teyla, before standing in front of John.

Sheppard held his arm, and found himself staring at the knife, fascinated. He was willingly holding his life out, and all it would take was one quick slice by Hamas, and he'd be dead. The sudden wash of pain startled him, and he focused on the cut, where Hamas was already collecting his blood. He breathed, realizing he'd stopped for only a moment.

McKay shifted nervously, but held out his arm. John remembered Rodney's alarm at this part of the ceremony. He'd grouched that it made adoption proceedings back home seem like a walk in the park. Nothing like having to give up some blood to make things seem all the more scarier.

Once the blood was collected and mixed, Hamas held the vial aloft. "To family!" he shouted.

"To family!" the crowd shouted back.

And it was done. In the eyes of Eradia, he was Lily's father. It almost seemed – anticlimactic.

As Hamas moved away, and started to clean up from the ritual, Beckett pushed forward, band-aids ready. John submitted, but he spent the entire time cooing at Lily and ignoring Carson.

"I can't believe I let someone cut me with a knife," stammered McKay.

John's head swiveled sharply, because there'd been a tone to Rodney's statement, and taking in the pale face, he reached for McKay just as the man went down like a deflated plastic toy.

"Rodney?" he called, as he tried to ease him down without falling himself. "You okay?"

"No," McKay's voice sounded tinny and far-away. "I'm going to pass out."

Beckett bullied over, and started checking him over. "Close your eyes, Rodney, and breathe in slowly, and out. Nice and steady, lad."

What was wrong with Rodney, hit John like a boulder on a downhill slide, and he felt himself grow as pale as McKay. He'd been cut once before, in the arm, and it hadn't been so long ago that the memory had faded enough. Koyla – the bastard, had carved into Rodney's arm to get the scientist to talk. And how could he have been so stupid as to forget!

Kneeling close enough for only Rodney to hear, John whispered, "It's okay, there's no bad guys here, Rodney. Just us, and the baby. I won't let anyone hurt you, promise."

Rodney rolled his head towards John and whined, "Why'd he have to cut in the same place? I would've been good anywhere else – but he chose the same spot. Wasn't one scar enough?"

Sheppard rocked back to his haunches, and sighed. "One scar is never enough," he murmured, but he wasn't sure who he was talking to, himself or McKay.

Ronon knelt down and helped Beckett get Rodney to his feet. The runner didn't make any snide comments on the fragility of certain individuals, but the heavy frown promised Sheppard that he was going to get questions later. The invasion by the Genii had been before Dex had joined their expedition.

"Will he be all right?" Dreya asked.

Lily snuggled deeper into her blankets in Dreya's arms, and John had the urge to take her, but he remembered the cold and Beckett's admonishment to limit contact.

John nodded abruptly. "He'll be fine, just – bad memories."

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and they spent a restless night trying to ignore each other's breathing in the confined room. Sheppard slept badly, but tried to not let his exhaustion show in the morning.

Judging by the sharp looks from Carson, he wasn't succeeding.

It'd been a bittersweet trip, and all John wanted to do, was get back to Atlantis. His first trip out of the gate and he wanted to turn tail and run. Rodney had been subdued as well, after the ceremony, and Sheppard figured it might be worth getting him alone and talking about later.

Later – when his own mixed emotions weren't bogging him down.

He'd found himself staring all night at the bottle of pills in Beckett's bag, just along the wall, right in reach, and not even knowing why. It scared him, but what could he do? 'Oh, by the way Doc, I think I might have something weird going on because I'm thinking about sneaking a bunch of pills – and I don't even know why'. Yeah, that'd go over great.

Suicidal thoughts, but he wasn't suicidal, what the hell was that all about?

Atlantis - get back to the city, back to his room, and back to normal.

OoO

And that's just what he did, and he tried to ignore the nagging thought of how easy it would be to just inch the Jumper to the side, and see how hard it'd impact with the gate.

The second he'd cleared and landed, John escaped. He gathered his gear, and all but ran for his quarters. That last thought scared him, and what was even worse, is that he had to make a conscious effort not to give in. What the fuck was going on?

He used his cold as an excuse to beg off visits from Elizabeth, and managed to hide until Beckett came calling.

"Open up, Colonel – I hear you're not feeling well?"

John threw his radio at the door.

He knew it, even as Carson did it – medical override.

"Can't you leave me alone, just for a while?" he bitched.

"I did, it's been over twenty-four hours since we returned." Beckett came the remainder of the distance to Sheppard's bed. "Is your cold really worse, or are you just avoiding people?"

"Elizabeth snitched."

"Snitched is a childish term," rejoined Carson. "Mentioned in passing if I'd given you anything to help is a better description."

"She's sneaky, Doc. Snitched."

Beckett sighed, but didn't argue more. He pulled out a few things from his medical kit, and ordered John to sit up. Sheppard did so…reluctantly. He was passive while Carson completed a quick exam.

When Beckett finished, he eyed John puzzled. "You don't seem worse, so what's going on? Is this about becoming Lily's father officially?"

Was it? "Maybe – I don't know," admitted Sheppard irritably. "Just felt a need to get away from everyone for a while. How's Rodney?" he asked, changing the topic.

"Bounced back faster than a rubber bouncy ball." Carson finished tucking away his instruments, and then folded his arms across his chest, making it clear to Sheppard that he wasn't letting the change slide. "He's getting annoyed with you. Seems you didn't show for your babysitting duty last night."

"I was tired," John defended. But he knew it wasn't why.

They both fell quiet then, each one regarding the other warily but Beckett caved first. "Colonel, you're health checks fine, but keep this up, and I won't be reporting the same again, is that clear?"

"Crystal, Doc." He'd gotten a reprieve, and there wouldn't be another. He got that.

"Elizabeth is looking for you. Colonel Caldwell got back last night, and has the paperwork for Lily's adoption." Carson headed for the door but took the chance to get one more scolding in. "If you'd not been avoiding her, you would've known that for yourself. Remember, Colonel, you're head of the military contingent – start acting like it."

As the door closed behind Beckett, Sheppard couldn't help but think how unfair that was.

OoO

It was after he'd signed the papers, along with Dreya, that Sheppard decided his cold had cleared enough to spend some quality time with Lily. He wandered down to the nursery, and found her with Teyla and Ronon.

The big guy was shaking a rattle over her, as Lily lay on her back in the crib that had been brought back by the Daedalus. John would've liked to have seen that requisition form.

"You know, she's too young for that." Sheppard had read the book about the baby's first weeks and knew she wouldn't be able to start reaching and grabbing for another month or so.

Ronon shrugged. "She likes it."

"How do you know?" Lily had two expressions, sleeping and wide-eyed. Well, maybe three, she had these smiles right when she was filling a diaper and that was about the time John handed Lily to McKay and found a reason to leave.

"Because."

Okay, then. John grinned at the baby, and swept her into his arms. "Hey, baby," he cooed. She responded by staring at him wide-eyed. He grinned wider. "Yeah, it's daddy. You know daddy, don't you – sweetie."

"She does," agreed Teyla. "We will be back…John."

The change to his first name had been gradual, but there. Awkward at first, since the initiation had been the events when he'd been subjected to the retrovirus, but with the pregnancy and birth, the team had become closer than before, and first names were natural progression of that closeness.

He nodded at them, and found the rocking chair, settling down with Lily, and tugging her tiny feet free of the blanket, singing softly while he motored her little legs, "The wheels on the bus go round and round…"

OoO

Later that night, as he looked back to his time with Lily, he imagined life couldn't be sweeter, but now he sat on the balcony, cradling a jug of Radek's moonshine, and the bottle of pills he'd snatched from Beckett's bag. Even as he asked himself what he was doing here, like this, he took a swallow and downed a couple of pills. It was like a compulsion, something whispering in his mind, and as he screamed against it, he was doing it.

He grew lethargic, and fuzzy, and inwardly prayed for someone to find him – because he didn't know why this was happening. Darkness began to encroach, and all he could do was think of Lily – and Rodney…

TBC