AN: Yes, we're evil, but at least we're 'evil writers that update frequently'! Titan5, in the interests of your students, here's the newest update, so read and then get back to grading those papers (well, you COULD write some on your story, update, and THEN go grade - just saying...)
NOT THE DADDY...part 32
Pregnancy clock: 5 weeks postpartum
He heard voices, someone saying his name. It tugged John out of the heavy lethargy he was feeling, pulling him towards total consciousness. But opening his eyes was easier said then done. John needed to rub at them – they were gritty and reluctant, so he lifted one hand - only it wouldn't reach his face. He tried harder but there was resistance pulling on his wrists and that realization was motivation enough for him to peel his eyes open. He blinked hard then looked down to find himself in restraints. "Wh-what?" John croaked, tugging hard against them.
Beckett appeared, hands on his arms, trying to calm him. "Easy, Colonel. Just take it easy now."
"What's going on?" John demanded, but his voice was hoarse and a bit slurred.
"Take a sip of water to ease your throat," Carson commanded, even as he reached for the glass and held the straw for John.
John did as he was told because his throat was dry, then he coughed, and tried again. "What happened? Why am I in restraints?"
Carson sighed. "It's just a precaution, son."
"A precaution for what?" John shot back, still pulling on the restraints.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Carson countered.
John went still, closing his eyes and trying to think back. Then it hit him. The balcony, the moonshine, the pills. "You found me," John whispered.
Carson patted his shoulder. "Aye…Rodney found you. Just in time too. I had to pump your stomach and I'm betting you're not feeling all that well at the moment."
John couldn't argue against the last statement, not when his insides suddenly twisted and he was grateful when Beckett read his expression correctly and grabbed a basin. It was hard to puke when you couldn't really curl up or hold your stomach, but John managed to heave up everything but his insides anyway. Then Beckett was wiping his face with a cool cloth and offering him something to rinse his mouth. "Thanks," John whispered, when he was able to relax back against the pillows. After a moment he tugged on the restraints again. "You can take these off."
"Can I?" Carson's tone was sharp.
"It won't happen again," John assured him. And he would make sure it wouldn't. "It shouldn't have happened at all," he continued.
Carson scrubbed one hand over his face then dropped down into the chair next to the bed. "Aye...you've got that right. I still can't believe it did. No one can. We're all feeling a little numb and a bit angry at ourselves."
John was surprised to hear that. He figured everyone would be pissed at him. "I don't understand," he admitted. "I took the stupid pills." And he remembered how he had railed against himself even as he swallowed them down. He was all fucked up and he knew it. But everything was clearer now. John knew it would never happen again. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to leave Lily behind.
"We should have seen the signs, Colonel," Carson explained. "You haven't been yourself for a long time. Ever since coming to Atlantis you've been through so much and the pregnancy bond was just the last of it. You barely had time to get over almost turning into a bug. And not once have you ever spoken with Heightmeyer. I blame myself for that. I should have pushed you to do so. No one should be expected to handle even half of what you've been through in the last two and a half years, Colonel."
"I can handle it just fine!" John shot back, feeling stunned by Beckett's words. "Look...what happened...it was a mistake. I didn't want to die. I was just...I guess I was just tired and a little freaked by everything. But I'm fine now. Really."
Carson rose to his feet, looking as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. "You will be," he allowed. "You start sessions with Kate tomorrow morning."
John was stunned. "No!" he snapped. "I won't talk to her!"
"You don't have a choice!" Carson was just as angry. "You tried to kill yourself, Colonel! Neither Dr. Weir nor myself will clear you back to duty or even let you off of suicide watch if you don't! I realize you're all confused right now, son. You have to let us take care of you. Just focus on getting better."
"I'm not sick!" John felt a flare of panic. "You don't understand!" He wanted to explain only he realized he didn't know how to explain something he didn't understand himself.
Carson looked at him with eyes brimming with sympathy. "It'll be all right, Colonel. We're going to take care of you. Right now I want you to get some rest." He was moving to the IV and he injected something. "Just a little something to help you relax."
John wanted to scream at him that he was wrong, that this was wrong, but he didn't have the energy. He felt heavy and exhausted and a warm darkness wrapped around him and dragged him into oblivion.
OoO
When John woke up the next time he found Rodney slumped in the chair. He looked like he was dozing but before John could say a word, he straightened and looked at him. Sadness glittered in Rodney's eyes. John looked away. "I want to see Lily." He needed to see her. He had dreamed about her floating away from Atlantis on a small raft, leaving John stranded on a balcony, trapped behind some kind of force field, unable to save her.
Rodney rubbed his eyes then shook his head. "Not now. Maybe later."
"Why not now?" John demanded, then he was pulling on the damn restraints and cursing. "I need to see her, Rodney! Please!" He would beg and beg and beg if he had too. "I need to see that she's all right. Please!"
"Maybe." Rodney stood up and moved closer, hobbling just a little on his walking cast, since he had ditched his crutches before going back to Eradia for the ceremony. "I'll talk to Beckett. I'm sure Dreya won't mind. She wants to see you too."
John wasn't appeased. "I need to see her now. Just for a minute. Please, Rodney!" John was sure that Rodney could see how desperate he was. See it and hear it.
Rodney opened and closed his mouth a few times. He looked defeated. After a moment he asked, "Why?"
"Why what?" John didn't have time for games. There was this heavy, aching, weight inside him. He needed to see Lily, to know that she was all right. He needed to hold her in his arms.
"Why did you do this? Why did you try to kill yourself?" Rodney looked ready to cry.
John closed his own eyes against the sudden sting of tears. He felt frustrated and tired and scared and pretty much all alone right now. Rodney thought he wanted to die. That was a thousand kinds of wrong. "I didn't want to die," John whispered. "It was stupid and it won't happen again. I promise."
Rodney made a choked sound then he snapped, "Don't make promises you can't keep!"
There was nothing John could say to that. He looked at Rodney, at the dark circles under the other man's eyes and John realized that Rodney was angry at him, but that he was also scared for him. Something inside John twisted at that. But he had to focus on Lily right now. "Rodney...I dreamed that she was drifting away from me on a raft in the water surrounding Atlantis and it was so real. I couldn't reach her and save her...I need to see her!" John's voice was a broken whisper as he begged Rodney with his eyes.
"I'll talk to Beckett," Rodney said, but even as he spoke they heard footsteps approaching.
Only it wasn't Beckett, it was Dreya and she was holding a fretful Lily.
John felt the fear inside him unfurl just a tiny bit and he could breathe again. He smiled as Dreya moved to his side and she held Lily out so that he could touch her, despite the restraints. "Hey, sweetheart," John whispered. He was pleased when Lily's fretful cries diminished. "Can I hold her?" John locked eyes with Dreya.
She didn't hesitate. She laid Lily down in the cradle of John's blanketed lap, then she went to work on undoing the restraints.
"You can't do that!" Rodney protested, trying to stop her.
"Why? Do you think he'll hurt Lily?" There was anger in Dreya's voice as she challenged Rodney.
He froze and pulled back. "No...I know he wouldn't hurt her."
Dreya nodded. "That's right. And she needs him. You know how fussy she's been since...since he's been here. Look how much calmer she is already. And I brought a bottle, hoping she'll eat some more." While talking, Lily got one restraint off and moved to work on the other one.
John was a bit resentful at being talked about as if he wasn't there, but he decided to tune it out to focus on Lily. He brushed a fingertip over one soft cheek. "I missed you, princess," John whispered. Then his other hand was free and he lifted Lily to cradle her against his chest. He accepted the bottle that Dreya held out. John was pleased when Lily accepted it and closed her eyes in contentment as she sucked on it. "Thank you." John looked at both Dreya and Rodney as he spoke.
Rodney looked uncertain. "I should tell Beckett about this."
"You do what you have to do, Rodney," John stated. He didn't want to put his friend between a rock and a hard place. He knew that actions spoke louder than words and the truth was he had swallowed the pills, washing them down with the booze. John winced at the memory, then he turned to Dreya, who was watching him with a soft smile on her face. "How are you doing?"
"Better now," she replied, reaching out to touch his face. "Lily needed you. She missed you."
John nodded, staring back down at his daughter. And she was his daughter in every way that mattered. "I'm sorry...about what happened. I don't...I don't know why I did that."
Dreya squeezed his shoulder. "We'll work through this, John. That's all that matters."
John could accept that for now. He focused on Lily, watching as she finished the bottle. Then he burped and kissed her face then snuggled her against his chest until she fell asleep. He didn't remember following her into slumber. He didn't know that Dreya sat beside them, keeping watch until morning.
OoO
John's morning didn't go well. First he had to beg Beckett to let him take a shower and he was finally given the go ahead, under the condition that Rodney - who had the lousy timing to show up mid-argument - stayed in the room with him. John bitched about that for a time, then relented. He wanted the shower. The worst part of having Rodney in the bathroom with him was that Rodney was depressed. He wouldn't talk to John at all, he wouldn't even snark back at him when John tried to bait him into an argument, just so it felt like old times.
After the shower came the argument over breakfast. John wasn't hungry but if he had to eat he was determined to go to the messhall to do it. He didn't need to be in the infirmary. He wasn't sick. Beckett had exploded at him, reminding him that HE was the CMO and therefore John was completely under his control. A reminder that pissed John off so that he exploded back. A nurse intervened, a tray was brought, John ignored it. Beckett threatened him with a feeding tube and John dared him to try. Ronon broke up that particular fight.
Just before lunch Beckett came back to apologize. John did the same. For all of about ten minutes there was a truce between them because John understood that Beckett was only trying to do his job. That he really was trying to help him. But when Heightmeyer showed up, John lost it again. When Beckett threatened to sedate him, which meant he wouldn't be able to see Lily later, John caved. He agreed to talk to Heightmeyer.
But after an hour of him playing word games with her, she left with a warning and John was fed up enough at this point to simply walk out. Only he had barely thrown the blankets off when Elizabeth showed up.
"Going somewhere?" She queried, her tone suggesting amusement on her part, although her eyes were shadowed and serious.
"I don't need to be here," John shot back. "I'm not sick!"
Elizabeth moved to the bed and drew the blankets back over him. "Not physically," she allowed. "But do you deny the fact that you stole a bottle of booze and a bottle of pills and swallowed enough of them to kill you?"
John winced because it was a low blow and a direct hit. Elizabeth was never one to mince words or deny the truth. "It won't happen again. I promise." And John meant what he said.
"I'd like to believe you," Elizabeth said softly, as she moved the chair closer to the bed and sat down. "To be honest, I don't think you want to die, John. I think what you did was a cry for help."
"Help for what?" John was frustrated and he didn't hide it. "I can't explain why I did what I did, I wish I could. But it happened and it's over and it scared me enough that I guarantee you it will not happen again."
Elizabeth made a face, then she clasped her hands together and looked him in the eye. "I think you mean that with all your heart, John. I really do. But you just pointed out the bottom line here. You can't explain why you did it. And until you can...I can't turn my back on what happened. I can't let you walk out of here as if everything was okay. It's not okay. You're not okay. That's what you need to accept right now. Then you can move on to the next step and start working your way back to normal."
John laughed at that, a sound that was short and devoid of humor. "Define normal, Elizabeth. I was the first non-pregnant, pregnant man in the history of two galaxies."
"Which is something none of us were prepared to deal with," Elizabeth countered. "I'm not putting all the burden of what happened on you, John. We all share part of the blame. We've asked too much of you...expected too much...from the moment you came to Atlantis."
"Don't go there," John shot back. "I'm not having some mental break down or suffering Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome."
Elizabeth stood up and moved closer, reaching for John's hand. She held firm when he tried to pull away. "This is hard for me because you're more than just the military head of Atlantis. You're a friend. So I want to do right by you in every way. I've given it a lot of thought and this is what the bottom line is. You go into sessions with Kate. We will all do what we can to support you."
John tugged his hand free and glared at her as he countered, "And if I don't agree to do that? Then what?"
"Then we've decided it would be best to confine you to a suite of rooms, allowing us to keep you under observation, and Dr. Beckett would prescribe meds for you." Elizabeth did not look happy giving him this ultimatum.
"What about Lily? Are you going to keep her away from me?" It was hard for John to keep his voice from cracking as he asked.
Elizabeth winced. "Yes. For now it would best to keep you separated."
John opened his mouth to argue with her, to protest, to impress upon her how wrong she was but the bottom line here came down to Lily. A part of John had enough doubt to consider that Weir might be right about him. He knew he wasn't crazy, yet he couldn't explain what had happened. And he couldn't stay away from Lily. Right now she was his sanity. "If I agree to see Heightmeyer, can I go back to my room now? Can I see Lily?"
"You can go back to your room, but you'll need to check in with Beckett and there will be hourly check-ins and someone will stay with your during the night. At least for a while." Elizabeth pinched the bridge of her nose then continued. "But you will be allowed to see Lily. In fact, Dreya has insisted upon it. Lily has made it very clear that she misses you. She's not sleeping or eating well."
"Fine...I'll talk to Heightmeyer." And John would do it. He just wasn't going to bare his soul to the woman. He'd been forced to talk to shrinks in the past and he knew exactly what he had to say and how he had to act. He could do it again. Anything to be with Lily.
Elizabeth looked relieved. "Good. I'm glad." She smiled at John then patted his shoulder. "I'll talk to Carson. He's still not happy about your weight so I'm sure you'll hear about that, but I'll make sure he releases you to your room today."
John nodded. "Thanks." Then he turned on his side, his back facing Elizabeth, hoping she would get the hint. He felt angry and scared and frustrated and he just wanted to be alone. A moment later he heard footsteps receding. John felt the sting of tears and closed his eyes. He was such a fucking mess.
OoO
The next few days became as much of a routine as everything else had. John went back to his room. He answered his check-ins, ate whatever Beckett told him to eat. Ronon and Teyla visited him. Rodney did not. John went to his lab every day only to have Rodney tell him he was busy. So he would spend all his free time, barring the two hour daily sessions with Heightmeyer, playing with Lily. Feeding her and bathing her, even changing her diaper kept John focused on the prize.
At night he accepted the sleeping pills Beckett offered, although by the end of the first week he had weaned himself off them. John didn't sleep as well then but he knew he had to be drug free if he wanted to get back to himself and, eventually, back to his job.
He did well enough that at the end of two weeks, Kate spoke to Beckett and John lost his guard at night. He slept a bit better once he was alone again, although he tended to dream a lot, reliving moments of his life he preferred to regret. Images of people he knew before Atlantis and since coming here. But they were demons John could deal with. What bothered him more was the sadness and fear and anger that woke him up some nights. Woke him up and sent him into the corner, shaking and slicked in a cold sweat. He didn't tell anyone about that because he knew it wouldn't help him get his life back. He had battled other demons, he would battle the new ones as well.
Until tonight. Tonight John slipped out of his room and made it out onto the same balcony where he had overdosed. He climbed onto the railing, sitting on it carefully, lifting his face to the cool, night air. He felt so sad and so lost and lonely. He felt as if something was missing. He missed Rodney but that was a different kind of ache. He knew Rodney was still mad at him but they would get past that. Just today they had sat together at breakfast and Rodney had even scoffed at one of John's jokes. And after supper they had both played with Lily. It had been a good night.
Which was why John could not understand why he wanted it all to end. He wanted to make what he was feeling go away. He wanted to stop the earth and get off.
His hands clutched the top rail, knuckles white with tension. John fought with his inner demons, even as finger after finger uncurled its grip. He raged against his own weakness even as he tipped forward, sliding off into the night. Something inside him twisted and John knew this was wrong. He threw one hand back, hoping to grip the rail and stop his fall but his fingers slipped. It was too late.
John closed his eyes and prepared to die, only in the moment something grabbed his arm and yanked him back, nearly dislocating his shoulder. Then an arm was around his waist and John found firm ground beneath his feet only to have his knees give out. Black spots danced before his eyes and just before darkness claimed him, he saw Ronon's face.
THE END...of part 32