AN: Sorry for the wait, I know we've spoiled you all with the rapid updates but it's nearing the end so hang in there!
NOT THE DADDY...part 34
Pregnancy clock: 7 weeks postpartum
They went to visit Lily. Teyla was there, trying to rock her to sleep, but she wasn't having it. She was fretful and unhappy and Teyla looked relieved to see John.
"I'll take her," he said, reaching for his daughter.
Teyla handed Lily over without complaint, relinquishing her spot in the rocking chair and urging John into it. She eyed him with concern as he settled back and began rocking. "Are you not supposed to be in the infirmary?"
Rodney answered her. "Yes, he is, and Beckett is going to have my hide for helping him escape, but he insisted. However, I'm not letting him out of my sight. Once I can tear him away from Lily I'm taking him straight to his room and, trust me, he will sleep if I have to knock him out to do it."
"He is sitting right here," John countered sharply, but there was no real sting in his tone and he never lifted his eyes from Lily's face. She had curled into him and was peaceful now, sleeping in the way only babies can sleep. John had learned that from watching her do so for countless hours.
"She's asleep," Rodney said, stating the obvious as he moved to John's side. He watched for a moment then said, "Time for you to go to bed, Colonel."
John shook his head. "Not yet. I want to hold her for a while."
Rodney heaved a frustrated sigh, folding his arms over his chest before glaring at John. "Don't be stupid...you know you need to rest."
"I know." John wasn't going to argue that point, mainly because he was exhausted right into his very soul. But he knew he couldn't sleep right now. He couldn't close his eyes and risk dreaming. "I'm too wound up to sleep right now, Rodney. Just give me a few minutes." He was practically begging and he didn't care.
"Okay." Rodney was watching him through a narrowed gaze but he seemed to understand what John needed. "But only for a few minutes then you are going to bed."
John managed a crooked gin. "Yes, mom," he drawled.
Teyla touched his shoulder. "I know that you are very unsettled now, John. But you must take care of yourself."
"I'm okay, Teyla," John replied, hoping to reassure her. But he saw doubt in her beautiful eyes, a reflection of the doubt he carried inside him. John lowered his gaze back to his daughter's face and he blinked hard as his vision began to blur. He felt Teyla move away, Rodney fading into the background as well, as John began to hum a lullaby. He finished it through then bent his head to brush a kiss to Lilly's forehead and a smile seemed to curve her sweet little mouth. John decided to take that as a sign that she liked the song and so he hummed it again, over and over until it echoed in his head.
"Colonel."
John started, arms curling Lily into him protectively, only to realize that it was Rodney talking to him. John had lost track of where he was for a moment.
Rodney looked concerned. "It's time to go to bed."
"Okay." John felt the weight of his exhaustion now and he didn't want to risk causing harm to Lily, so he handed her over to Teyla. Resisting the urge to snatch her right back, John pushed himself out of the rocking chair only to have his knees buckle. He tried to catch himself but his vision was graying out. He felt strong hands catch him and John tried to say that he was alright but his tongue was thick in his mouth and his eyelids felt like lead weights. Everything faded to black.
He didn't see Rodney turn pale and cry out. He didn't feel Ronon catch him then lift him into his arms. He didn't know he was carried to his room and put to bed, or that both Ronon and Rodney watched over him as he slept.
He only knew that his darkness was cold and filled with shadows that morphed into ghosts that taunted him with memories he wanted only to forget.
OoO
Images collided in John's head. Dreams and realities intertwined, memories blurred or faded away only to be replaced with sharp reminders of his life, both past and present. Good and bad warred inside him, shaking him, twisting his insides and throbbing through him, anchoring itself in his thoughts and spreading out into stabbing aches in his temples that eventually brought him awake.
He didn't remember where he was.
"Easy, Colonel."
He knew that voice. A soft brogue then a firm hand on his shoulder, fingers sliding down his arm to curl around his wrist. Beckett. John blinked and brought the other man's face into focus. "W-water..." he croaked. And, thankfully, Beckett eased him up and held the glass for him. When John settled back into the pillows, he realized he was in his room. Now he remembered what had happened and panic flared through him. "Dreya?"
Carson patted his shoulder this time. "She's fine, son. Resting. Doing much better today."
"I have to see her." John was already tugging back the covers and sitting up reminded him that he needed to pee.
"You can see her later!" Carson's tone was sharp and brooked no argument. "You need to rest as well."
John glared at him, smacking away the hand that tried to hold him down. "I need to use the bathroom!"
Carson glared back a moment, locking eyes with John as he searched for the truth. Then he nodded and gripped his bicep, pulling John to his feet with regrettable ease.
The trip to the bathroom was long and exhausting. John took care of business, debated a shower, realized he was too tired to give a damn and settled for splashing cold water on his face. It did nothing to ease his weariness, which had settled upon him like a cloak weighed down with lead. A knock on the door and Beckett was there, clucking with concern and reaching in to pull him out and guide him back to bed. John was grateful for his help. He curled up on his side, willing himself to relax as the blankets were settled over him again. They were thick and warm but he couldn't seem to rid himself of the chill that radiated out from deep inside him. "Is Dreya going to be okay?" John asked. Because he really needed to know. He needed to understand what had happened. He needed to prepare himself and to make sure it never happened again.
"She will be," Carson replied, after a moment of hesitation. "It's going to take time is all. And she'll have all the help she needs."
"I should have helped her," John mumbled.
Carson made a sharp sound of disbelief, then he was crouching next to the bed and locking eyes with John again. "Don't you go be blaming yourself for what happened, Colonel. If anyone is to blame...I am. I'm the doctor. I should have seen this coming and I should have realized what was affecting you to begin with."
John sighed heavily and closed his eyes, not wanting now to see the guilt in Beckett's eyes. He had enough guilt for them all. "You're not an OBGYN," John whispered. "It's not your field of expertise and nothing that's happened with me or Dreya is anything anyone was prepared to deal with."
"True enough," Carson allowed, then he cleared his throat nervously. "Keep that in mind, Colonel, when your castigating yourself."
"I felt it, doc." John peeled bleary eyes open and dared the other man to challenge him on this. "I'm not suicidal...I should have known what was happening."
Carson shook his head. "You're not to blame, Colonel...let it go."
John didn't have the energy to argue with him. "The bond should be gone by now, shouldn't it?"
"More or less," Carson allowed. "I've spoken about it with Dreya a few times and there's no specific time frame. It doesn't just end abruptly. It seems to fade away, or so she's observed in the past. So it could linger for a time."
"Lucky me." John let his eyes close again. He was so damn tired, but his thoughts were too loud and banging around in his head. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.
Carson shuffled around a bit then he was back beside John and saying, "I'm going to give you something to help you rest. Just a pinch and then you'll sleep for a time."
John felt like weeping in relief when he felt the pull into oblivion.
OoO
Rodney hadn't been kidding about moving in with John and, to John's disbelief, Beckett and Weir backed him up about it. And no argument that John presented swayed any one of them. So he found himself dealing with a room mate, who was a slob and who absolutely did snore and John wasn't sure how he really felt about it. Sometimes, at night, he was glad Rodney was there. But sometimes it was hard to keep quiet when his demons woke him up at night. Which was every one of the four nights that Rodney had been with him so far.
John sought relief from his life with Lily. He spent pretty much every waking moment of his day with her and, one night, he even slipped out of his room to watch her sleep. Lingering next to her bassinet until a rumpled and pissed off Rodney showed up to drag him back to bed.
John spent a lot of time with Dreya, too. He apologized to her every time he saw her and it was almost comical because she would apologize right back then they would fall into a an awkward silence for a time until Lily, who was always with them because they always met up in the nursery, would do something like coo at them or cry for attention and then they were bonded in their love for their daughter. Which was a kick ass reminder to John, on a daily basis, that he was a father now. That one more person, this one more tiny and helpless than any other on Atlantis, needed him to protect her. Needed him to do his job.
Which was the only reason why, when Kate came to ask him to join Dreya in her sessions, that John finally agreed. Kate had told him that Dreya needed the support from someone who understood what she was going through. At that point John, angrily, had stated that he didn't understand at all because he wasn't suicidal, and that he was just there for moral support.
Oddly enough it was Rodney who blasted him for being a liar. It turned into one hell of an argument.
"I was talking to Dreya," Rodney had begun, innocently enough.
"About?" John prompted, because he knew Rodney was leading up to something. Knew from the moment he had suggested a chess match and then had totally ignored the game, making sloppy moves. Rodney was never sloppy or distracted during chess. Especially not since the first time John beat him.
Rodney pushed his chair away from the table and one leg began to thump up and down, betraying his nervousness. "Well...about you and how you won't talk in the sessions. How you're in denial about everything." Rodney's words came out in a rush and he looked like he was ready to bolt.
John moved away from the table as well, so he wouldn't upset the chess board. His hands clenched into fists and he almost had to sit on them to keep from taking a swing. Anger welled up and spilled out and John glared at Rodney. A 'melt you into a puddle of goo' kind of glare but, to Rodney's credit, he didn't haul ass and run. "I'm not in denial about anything!" John grated out.
"Bullshit." Rodney almost whispered the word.
"And for your information, I don't talk in the sessions because I'm there for moral support. It's not about me." John managed to control his temper, to speak softly, but the effort was making his jaw clench until he was practically gritting his teeth.
Rodney shook his head. "You can't keep doing this, Colonel. You can't keep lying to yourself."
John stared at Rodney in disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about? Lying to myself about what?"
"You tried to kill yourself...twice. You can't keep pretending it didn't happen." Rodney was on his feet now, anger smoldering from his own eyes. "You have to stop pretending that you're okay. You have to accept what you did and deal with it. Otherwise you're going to be stuck in limbo! Is that what you want?"
"What I want is for you to get the hell out of my room!" John was on his feet as well and he was just about ready to shove Rodney out the door.
Rodney didn't budge. "I'm not going anywhere, Colonel. Not until you face the truth!"
John felt pain stab at his temples. He unclenched his fists to rub his head, trying desperately to resist the urge to punch Rodney's lights out. "You know what, Rodney? I think you're the one who's fucked up. Dreya is the one who was suicidal! Not me! I was projecting HER depression and you know it!"
"What I know is that you didn't try to stop yourself, Colonel." Rodney dared to take a step closer, his eyes almost shooting sparks as he confronted John. "You could have told anyone what you were feeling. We would have helped you and you know it. But you didn't. Instead you stole pills and booze and went off onto an isolated balcony to off yourself."
"I couldn't control that!" John protested, and the pain was spreading, clamping around the base of his skull like a vise.
Rodney took another step closer and he lowered his voice, which became hoarse with emotion. "You're the strongest person I know...and a fighter. But you gave up. You didn't even try to fight."
John shook his head. "No...you're wrong! I didn't want to die, Rodney! I just couldn't stop myself!"
"Because a part of you was tired and you didn't want to fight," Rodney countered, and now he reached out and poked John in the chest with one finger to make his point. "You...gave...up!" That said, Rodney turned on his heel and stormed out of the room.
"Sonofabitch!" John turned and lashed out with one arm, sweeping the chess board off the table and scattering pieces everywhere. Then he stormed out of the room and started running. He ran until he reached the very balcony where he had, twice, nearly ended his life.
Moving to sit stuff in one corner, John tried to catch his breath but his chest felt tight and his head ached and his mind was cluttered with conflicting thoughts and emotions. He didn't know how long he sat there before he rose stiffly, returned to his room to shower and change, then he went to see Lily.
Teyla was with her but gave her up to John the moment he entered the nursery. She smiled at him, asked how he was and John wasn't sure what he replied. He felt numb. But he must have said the right thing because Teyla excused herself, but before she reached the door, John called her back.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course." Teyla turned back to face him.
John cleared his throat, uncertain how to form his question. Uncertain if he really wanted to ask. But then Lily made a cooing sound and when John looked down at her sweet face, he knew he had to do this. "Do you think I wanted to die? I mean...do you think some of what happened...what I felt when I tried to kill myself...that it was me and not Dreya?" John realized he was wording it badly, but he could see by the look on Teyla's face that she understood what he was asking.
Looking uncomfortable, but determined, Teyla moved to John. When she reached him she touched his arm then smiled softly. "I think that you have experienced things that no one is meant to endure. Things that happened before coming here, when you were still on Earth. And I know the hardships you have encountered since coming to Atlantis. You are battling emotions that are not your own, it is trial enough for a person to deal with their own doubts and fears. Their own ghosts and guilt. I think that you are tired and weary of the fight."
"Is that a yes or a no?" John prompted, because he needed to hear her say it, even though he knew what her answer would be.
"I think that you wanted to rest," Teyla said softly. She reached up and cupped his face, drawing his head down to touch her own forehead.
John didn't move for a moment, accepting the comfort she offered. Then he pulled away and nodded at her. "Rodney thinks I need to talk to Heightmeyer."
Teyla looked thoughtful. "You believed she could help me and she did, John. I believe she could do the same for you." With that Teyla said goodnight, drifting out the door.
"You're daddy is a mess, sweetheart," John whispered to Lily, as he moved to the rocking chair and sat down. He cradled her against his chest then hummed her favorite lullaby, wanting to just drift in this moment without having to do anything more than love the precious bundle in his arms.
OoO
John didn't go back to his room that night. He wandered the corridors of Atlantis after Lily fell asleep. He didn't have his radio with him so he didn't hear Rodney paging him until Elizabeth went public and then he felt a flare of anger for being made to feel like a recalcitrant child.
When John returned to his room it was to find Elizabeth waiting for him instead of Rodney. John tried to be polite but he was too angry. He blew off her concerns, stating he was tired and wanted to go to bed. Elizabeth made a quiet exit and John stripped down to boxers and his tee shirt and slid into bed. He was still away three hours later when Rodney came in, but he pretended to be asleep. He was up before dawn and wandering the halls again until it was time for his daily check up with Beckett.
John wanted to ask the doc if he agreed with Rodney's belief that he was suicidal but before he got the chance Beckett blasted him about his weight and John flew off the handle at him and stormed out.
An hour later Ronon found him in Puddle Jumper one, hiding out.
"Mind if I join you?" the Satedan asked, even as he was already folding his large frame into the co pilot's seat.
"Feel like going for a ride?" John countered, firing up the engine.
Ronon shrugged. "You're going to get in trouble."
John shrugged back. "That's not what I asked you."
Ronon smirked. "Where are we going?"
"Mainland." Sweeping one hand over the control panel, John made the bay doors above them open. A heartbeat later they were flying through the perfect blue sky.
THE END...of part 34