Disclaimer: I don't own it damnit!
Justifications
To Whom It May Concern:
I do not fear loss, not at all, I fear loving. I fear that warm, fuzzy feeling most seem to crave. I fear that thing you have with that special someone, that it is all a lie. That one day, they will wake up, and they will see me for what I truly am. I am a selfish bastard, angry, depressed, masochistic, an exile in my own mind, my own heart.
My heart, another controversial issue. Do I really have one? Is the one that I have cold as ice? Hard a stone? Just dead? No. My heart is living, beating. I have tried to ignore it, but the way it speeds up when I am nervous, anxious, scared, yes I do get nervous and scared like "real" people, and, once or twice, it skips a beat.
Being who I am….doing what I do, the way I do it, my heart should be made of stone, cold as ice. It is not. I came to this startling conclusion forty years ago. When I met her. Oh! I would spend the rest of my life in prison, as long as I have her, I will be fine. But no! When she sees me for what I truly am, she will not love me. I am too sadistic. A bastard. I do not deserve love, especially her love. I do not deserve anything that has been given to me. Now, as I write this last letter, I fear. I fear the when I wake, if I wake, that is how I will be remembered. My love will only remember me as angry and selfish, cold and depressed, pessimistic with a heart made of stone.
My namesake once said, "Dieu n'est pas pour les gros bataillons, mais pour ceux qui tirent le mieux. God is on the side, not of the heavy battalions, but of the best shots." This, it must be what happened. I am not the best shot. I used my power to gather a large army, but my aim was off.
This is why I am afraid. If I was not the best, why did she love me? If I am not the best, would she still love me? Would we be happily together, instead of her being placed just out of reach? One must wonder.
My namesake also said, "On doit égards aux vivants; on ne doit aux mort que la vérité. We owe respect to the living; to the dead, we owe only truth." I do hope that, once I am gone, I will know the truth. I can only hope that, when I am dead, they can forgive me for all I have done. That she can forgive me for all that I have done. That what I have done will not bring them down, but help them rise above. All I tried to do was make them the best that they could be. I have justification for all my actions. You must always look deeper than the surface. Even in my own mind, I am known as masochistic, but you shall not punish my young ward for my crimes. Only I can take the blame. Only I can be punished. And now, as I lay dying, writing this last letter, all vengeance has been served. You have taken away my one true love. You have pushed me to the brink, and you have won the war. Take that as satisfaction, and leave me in peace.
-Voltaire Hiwitari
Author's note: I'm BBAAAACCCCKKKKKKK! Yippee……..anyway, this is my point of view through Voltaire as he lays on his deathbed. Interesting, isn't it? Pleeze review! I luvs y'ins guys! maniacal laughter