You can't undo the past, part I- Drakes p.o.v
I stepped out of the car, or what was left of it. The sights and sounds seemed akward and distant. Everything seemed to go in slow motion, the sound of metal on metal still ringing in my ears. I couldn't tell who it was when we crashed, but when I could finally see again, I knew the instant I saw the tan camry, it was Josh and Mindy.
I turned to see if Trevor was fine, not a scratch, a little miffed, but un hurt. I was fine, once I got over the intial shock, then again, I never really got past it. I pushed the air bag off of me, I could smell the burning hair and gasoline. I stepped out of the car.
The Camry was totaled, Josh was fine, he was out of the car. It was then I saw him crying. He was scared, something wasn't right. I pushed past him, the right side of the car was crushed in, the part where Mindy was. There was blood spattered on the side window, the sight made me puke.
Reacting on instinct I grabbed my cell phone and called 911. The police and ambulence arriving what felt like hours later. Josh was still crying, I couldn't find the words to explain or comfort him. I didn't want to be there anymore, not at all. The sights, the sounds, the smell. It was all too overwhelming, the guilt consuming me.
That's when I decided to run, hell I've never run that fast in my life. Claire's street wasn't far from there a few blocks at the most.
I reached the white cape, so serene. It was about 11:30 by that time, and to think I'd have been home by now and everyone would have been alright, if only I'd driven.
Claire was asleep, I knew that. The thought of waking her up disturbed me, she didn't need this kind of shit ruining her night. So I decided to go sit on the swing overlooking the ocean. I could think there, or at least try to.
I never felt that cold, or that alone in my life. The feeling just near killed me. God I prayed that Mindy was allright, but by judging at the sight of the car, I knew nothing good could have come from this.
I looked up at the sky, I'd never seen so many goddamn stars in my life. Each one mocking my existance, mocking my life, laughing at me because they're so perfect, so goddamn perfect. I cried a little, the tears releving me for the most part. I could cry here without fear of being caught.
I must have sat there for a pretty long time because Claire found me. She's so perfect, god I love her, I really do. I just can't show it like I want to. I never want to tell her I really love her, just because I know that when I do, something will happen or I'll fuck up big time, maybe she'll just leave. But all I know is that when I tell her I love her she'll be gone before I can take it all back.
I love the way she holds me, the way she cares, the way she tastes, smells, feels. I love every thing about her, everything. It's so dorky and cliche to say it, but, she completes me.
I've never felt more comfort than I do now, sitting here beside her in the fucking hospital. God I hate hospitals, they never bring good news, ever.
She looks so sad, probably worse then I do. Josh hasn't said a word to me, he's to busy in the I.C.U holding Mindy's hand hoping she'll be alright. God I hope she's alright, Josh doesn't deserve to lose her, she's all he's ever known, and all he'll probably ever know. He needs her in his life, he's been so happy the past year with her. I'm happy for him, or well I was. He's a good kid, he's someone who deserves a girl who treats him right, I don't. That's why I don't deserve Claire, I just don't.
"Drake, you want something to drink?" She asked me as she held on tighter to my hand. I shook my head, I wasn't ready to have her leave me, even if it was for a few moments. She adjusted herself in her chair and leaned her head on my shoulder.
How can I possibly protect her when I'm this vulnerabul? I need her to protect me. I kissed the top of her head, just so she knew I still cared about her. She squeezed my hand in compliance.
"Drake, whatever happens, I'll always love you." Claire whispered as she held my hand a little tighter. She'd done it, she was the first to break. I wasn't. A million and one thoughts entered my head at that moment in time. Can I tell her now?She loves me too, it's safe now. I can't do it. I just can't Her timing sucks, but I love her too.
I just sat there, like an idiot, or like a rock, whatever you decide is fine. A rock is close to an idiot. Why is it when the one thing you can say is the hardest? And why is it the one thing thing you can't say is the one thing you have to say in order to be happy? That just pisses me off, you have no idea.
She sat there, it was obvious I had hurt her without my reply. Maybe she'd understand and I could explain it later. Maybe I could sing her a song or something.
Just then the Doctor walked out. What happened next is and was a blur to me. I'll never seem to get those words out of my head, ever.
"I'm sorry...we lost her."
"What the fuck!" I yelled, storming up from the chair. "What the fuck, that can't happen. It just can't happen." I cried as I ran down the hallway knocking over what ever was in my way. I didn't mean to make a scene, it just happened. The elevator was taking so long so I decided to run down the stairs. Stopping at the third floor, forgetting it was the maternity section. At least it was calm here and the prospect of life was a much more relaxiong notion than death was.
I stopped running, out of breath I walked up to the big glass window that shows the nursery. The innocence in that room overwhelmed me. The fact that these kids were going to grow up and become people, people with their own minds. The possibility that they could turn out like me or experience what I did pissed me off.
I knew Claire was there before she said anything. She never had to say anything. She had this pressence with her that I could always feel. It was like someone had raised the thermostat a few degrees and the room just got warmer. She wrapped her arms around me placing her head on my back. She was always that comforting, she knew that words would just make me angrier.
I placed my arm against the window and leaned my head against my arm. I looked down at the baby in front of me. A little boy, his name was Jared. My fathers name, the situation couldn't get anymore ironic. I hated to think that Jared was going to have to grow up, that he wasn't going to stay a baby forever, that from this point on, death loomed around every corner. That thought always scared me.
The nurse came and picked Jared up, handing him to an elated couple. I wanted to ask them how they could live with themselves, bringing a kid into the world, a world that wasn't friendly, a cold world, an uncaring world. His mom smiled as she fed him, he kicked. Another baby in the room started crying, no one paid attention to her, it was like she didn't matter. I felt bad for her, I knew how she felt. Crying your eyes out and no one pays attention. No one ever pays attention so the upset people, the hurt.
"I feel bad for the one crying." I stated, Claire moved, I had surprised her by talking.
"Me too Drake, me too." She whispered as she kissed me right behind my ear. She was always cute like that, she was never into the heavy making out scene. I could respect that, she changed me in ways I never thought a person could. In the past two months that I've known Claire, I've changed so much. Hell I even got a B in English, I got a B, a B.
"You want to talk?" Claire asked softly. She respected me, she always respected me. She never forced me to do anything like other girls did. I never felt pressured to do things for her. She never made me feel like I had to.
"Not really." I said, it was the truth. I'd rather just stand here with her right by me.
"Just know that when ever you want to I'm here." She reassured. God was she perfect, nothing she did could be wrong.
"I love you Claire." I slipped. I didn't regret it, nor would I ever. I loved the girl, a lot.
"I love you too Drake."
"You know what I was thinking Claire. I was thinking about how horrible it is to be born. I mean these babies have no idea what the world is like. I mean, they're going to have to go through stuff like I did. Their fathers will die, they'll go to parties and see friends get drunk, they'll see friends kill other people, they'll witness hurt. I can't imagine how someone could do that. How could parents bring a child into this world?" I ranted. Claires hug tightened.
"Drake, the world isn't all bad. I'm sure that things will happen, but for everything bad that happens to us, something good always comes from it. Always. I mean I've had some horrible things happen to me, but look I've got you, and you mean the world to me. You're the one good thing in my life. I don't ever want to lose you Drake Parker." She confessed. How does it happen that she feels the same way I do. Exactly the same way. She word for word explained all my emotions. How do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone that they think exactly like you do?
"Claire, I just want you to know that you're my everything. That you save me and that you've changed me. And I don't know why, but everytime I say something like that, the one thing that I love leaves. Promise you'll never leave?" I begged, tears forming in my eyes. God I've never cried this much in my life.
"Drake, If you don't leave me I won't leave you."
"Let's keep it that way." I said as I pulled her into a front hug. I brushed the hair out of her face and placed my forehead to hers. I liked the intimate aspect of our relationship, we didn't need to make out incessently. I gently kissed her, sustaining my need for the moment. She smiled, I love her smile, hell as I said before I love everything about this girl.
I grabbed her hand and we walked back towards the elevator. I didn't want to go back up to the ward. I didn't want to confront Josh at the moment. He didn't need me now, he needed to be alone.
We walked to the food court, everything starting to open up for the morning. I bought us an ice cream sundae, I wasn't that hungry, but Ice cream always made me feel better. We sat there, the early morning sun filtering through the windows. felt solace just sitting there with Claire with the sun shining. Maybe Claire was right, good things will come, I just have to tough out this bump.
okay thank you so much for all your reviews! It makes me feel so special (okay that's a little dorky) but it does, I feel loved that so many of you like this story. On note: the next few chapters are going to be in first character P.O.V's you can tell because they'll all be titled the same only with a Part II or III ect. This is just to add flavor, I'm using my creative liscense and if you don't like it...meh, I don't care.