If you don't move on, the scars will never heal.
-I knew something was wrong with Trevor, he seemed more calm then usual, but I didn't think much about it. Being in jail seemed to soften him up, if only I'd known the truth. Mindy's only been gone a few days, her funeral is in a couple of hours. I don't want to go, I don't want to see her parents, I feel guilty enough as is. Josh and I haven't talked, I know how he feels. I can hear him crying at night, I know what it's like to feel that much pain. I used to be in the same position he was and just hearing it and seeing it makes the memories and feelings flood back. I hear that her funeral is an open casket, I'm scared for JOsh more so then I am for myself. My dad was cremated, his ashes are here somewhere, I don't like to think about that. I want to help Josh, but what he needs now is my sympathy and I can't console him when I'm the one who could have prevented it all.
-Drake
The boy's were in their room, a despondent silence between them. It'd been ages since the two talked. They were growing apart, both of them could feel it. There was nothing that could make them laugh like they used to.
Drake sat on the couch wearing his suit. He looked decent in black pants, black coat, and a tie. He never looked that presentable in his life, he looked like the fifth member of the Beatles.
Josh walked into the room, grief was plastered over his face. He rarely ate or talked to anyone else in the entire house. Everyone was beginning to worry about him. Josh put on his pants and a blue oxford. He picked out a blue stripped tie to match. -Mindy wouldn't want me to wear all black.- He thought.
He looked over at his brother on the couch. Josh knew Drake had his own problems, but Josh thought his were more important. Heck his girlfriend had just died.
"Boy's come on let's go." Mrs. Parker yelled upstairs.
They exited the room not saying a word to one another, not even making eye contact.
They walked downstairs, all of them carrying an air of sadness around them, all for different reasons.
They all got into the subaru, the Camry would be in the shop for awhile. Drake vowed never to get into that damn car again. He could never bear to sit in the seat that Mindy had died in.
Megan was sandwhiced between Drake and Josh. The car ride was unbearably silent. Mrs. Parker turned on the radio to dampen some of the silence. Fields of Gold by Sting was playing. Ironic how that song was about death. Josh let a few tears run down his face.
Drake looked out the window at the rest of San Diego. Eveyone else was contained in their houses, each living their own lives, each feeling their own pain. He couldn't help but think that the yellow beach side town house contained it's own problems. The people who lived there had their own thoughts, their own lives.
The Subaru pulled into the parking lot. A lot of people from school were there, including Mrs. Haifer, various other teachers, and Claire. All wore smiles, you could tell they were trying to hide the pain.
Drake got out of the car and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. The wind started blowing and he wondered if it was a sign. The sky grew threatening with rain clouds, the day had been perfectly sunny and warm before. Now as the vista of death lay lingering before him, he took the change in weather as a sign.
He didn't want to see the people who stood there staring at him. They all knew he was in that car, they all knew he was responsible. He didn't want their questions or accusations, not now, not ever. He leaned against the car, his left foot resting on the tire. He pushed his hands deeper into his pockets his shoulders rising higher.
Claire walked over to him. She knew it was hard for him to be here, she only wanted to make him feel comfortable, that there was at least one person here who knew he wasn't guilty. And that one person was her.
She stood in front of him. Her dress blowing in the wind. She was wearing a strapless black dress with a white sash around the middle. A black shrug covered her arms. Her blond hair was down, he'd only seen it like that once before, Homecomming. The last time he'd had true fun.
Claire wrapped her arms around him he placed his on her back, not really caring how he held her, it was his job now, it was hers to hold him, she knew that.
He hair wrapped around him in the wind, it would have been a beautiful picture had the story behind it not been so painful. Claire was warm and Drake needed the warmth of another person to help fill his void.
Audrey looked out at both her sons. Josh was sitting on the porch steps next to Megan. She knew his pain was deep. He loved Mindy and she knew how hard it was too lose someone you loved. -He'll be fine, he's young, there's other fish in the sea.- she told herself. Even though she hadn't been with Josh in the past she knew somehow that he'd make it out of this alright. It was Drake she was more worried about.
She looked over at her son, lying in Claire's arms. Over the past two months that he'd known her, she'd seen the changes that Claire had made in him. She was good for Drake, and Audrey knew that. Her son was in good hands, he was with someone who understood him and could help him cope with anything. Better than she could herself. There are something mother's just can't do by themselves.
A large crowd had gathered outside the Church and it was starting to rain lightly, a few drops here and there. They all were starting to be ushered into the Church, group by group. Josh and his family were the first few to go in, along with Mindy's relatives.
"Drake, let's go." Mrs. Parker said as she walked over to her son, who was still being embraced by Claire.
"I love you." Claire whispered into his ear as she let go of him. "Hi Mrs. Parker." She stated as she shook Audrey's hand.
"Hi Claire." Audrey returned. "Let's go Drake, it's raining." She said as she grabbed her sons elbow and led him inside, just like she had to do so many times when he was younger. He followed her lead.
The wooden pews had never been more uncomfortable, at least not to Drake. He'd always hated church, the benches were uncomfortable, it was always hot, and the Minister was always too boring. He sat there flipping through the pages of the black bound bible, he had nothing better to do.
The casket was sitting below the alter, Josh didn't want to look, it'd only hurt him more, but the curiosity and anticipation was killing him. He knew that he would only blame himself if he didn't say goodbye one last time. He watched as Drake flipped through the bible. He wondered what his brother was thinking.
The Minister began the eulogy. Josh watched as Mrs. Crenshaw collapsed into tears on her husbands shoulder. A few other people dabbed their eyes. Josh was one of them. He looked up at Drake for a split second. He sat there cold, his head down.
"And we'll never forget how she influence and moved us. Mindy was such an incredable young girl who's life had to end all too suddenly. This is a tragic week for those of us who knew her..."
The eulogy droned on. Drake didn't want to hear it, he couldn't bear to stand it. It was as though the Minister was directing it towards him, blaming him for the loss of her. It was all getting to him now, the shame, the guilt. He knew he never should have gotten into that car with Trever, even if he did need the ride home, he could of walked, he could have driven, he could have taken the bus. But he didn't, he had to get into the car with Trevor. He had to be responsible for his bothers girlfriends death.
Drake got up and quickly walked out of the Church. He didn't want to cause a distraction, but distraction was his middle name. Everyone turned and stared as he left, no one saying anything. Claire got up and followed him.
It was raining rather hard now. Drake didn't care, it seemed to calm him a little. He walked out of the parking lot and took a left, he knew where he was going, he'd gone there so many times before. He broke into a sprint. He didn't think twice about how odd it would look to see someone in a nice suit running in the rain. The drops were whipping him in the face, burning his skin, his lips were chapped and he was cold, but it didn't stop him from running, what stopped him was her voice.
"Drake wait up. Drake stop." He could hear Claire yelling behind him. He turned around only to barely make out her figure running towards him in the rain. "Drake, what the hell was that for?" She questioned as she caught up with him. She was panting like hell, her dress was sticking to her because of the wetness, her hair was limp around her face.
"I don't want to talk about it." He stated coldy.
"Drake, I Know how you feel." Claire soothed reaching out a hand for him, he just pushed it away.
"How can you say that? How can you? Claire your family's fucking perfect. You're all alive and happy. You don't know what it's like to have someone die." Drake yelled, words just comming out. He didn't mean half of anything he said. THis always happend when he was angry.
"Drake, God I swear. I'm sick of people thinking I'm perfect. I'm not god damn it. Drake you were the one person I'd expect to understand that. I know your father died Drake. I'm not stupid. People talk, Josh talks." Claire said a little louder then she had before.
"Claire, you don't understand. You can't possilby, no one does." Drake cried, though you couldn't tell in the rain. He ran his hand through his hair. "I love my dad so much and seeing all this has brought back those memories. Claire I could have driven that car, I could have prevented all this. It's all my fault. Claire I fucked everything up." Drake sobbed. The weight of everything collapsing in around him, crushing him beneath his own emotions.
"Drake don't you dare blame yourself. You weren't the one driving. Trevor could have hit anyone." She didn't know what to say to make it better. She was crying now too.
"It was my fault Claire. If I had driven that car we'd all be here today. Right now, we'd all be happy. We'd all be in our god damn rooms, safe, warm, ALIVE. Claire we'd all be alive."
Claire watched as he stood there crying. The one person she wanted to make happy, the one person she couldn't make happy.
"Drake, I don't know what to say." Claire began.
"Neither do I. I don't think there's anything anyone can say."
"Then just let me hold you." She said as she put her arms around him. He pushed her away.
"Claire I don't think I can do this anymore." Drake said as looked away from her. It was the last thing he wanted to do. The last thing. He knew he'd hurt her, he'd hurt himself. But it was all for the better.
"What do you mean Drake?" Clarie asked confused. She prayed that she didn't know what was comming.
"Claire I mean us. I don't think we should be together. I need time to be by myself. Just time to think, time to let things heal. I don't want to do this, but it's something I'm going to have to do." He said softly all the while not making eye contact with her.
"Drake...I..."
"No, Claire don't say anything you'll make it worse. Claire, it's not that I don't love you, I do. You're the first person who's ever made me feel the way I do. I just can't do it right now. I just need to be alone. Being with you makes me feel too guilty. I don't want Josh to be upset."
"Drake I just want you to know that I understand and that I'm always here for you." Clarie said as she hugged him and gently kissed him on the cheek. She held his face in her hands. "Drake I love you and I care about you. Whenever you need to talk, or cry, or just need someone to hold you, you know where to find me." She added tears rolling down her face. "Have a nice rest of November Drake, and I hope you have a nice rest of the year." She said as she kissed him one last time on the lips and walked away.
Drake stood there in the cold November rain. He couldn't believe what had just happend, how his life could just take a turn like that. He shivered and walked on home. It was warmer there anyway.
No one was there, they were still at the service, they wouldn't be home for another hour or so.
Drake walked up to his room. He took of the wet clothes and slid into a pair of warm fleece pajama pants and a long sleeved tee-shirt. He looked at the picture on the computer desk. It was of him, Josh, Mindy, and Claire at homecomming. All smiling, all happy, they didn't know that in three months all this shit would happen.
Drake placed the picture face down on the desk. He didn't want the memory right now. He climbed up the ladder to his bed. He sat down on the mattress and cried. After he was finished and no more tears would come he pulled out the Journal he'd been keeping over the past few months and wrote in it.
-I can't write for long considering he'll be home soon, but I'm starting to worry. It's not like I ever ment for anything to get this out of control. I never ment to hurt the people I did...and the people who haven't been hurt, but soon will. It's just that I can't take it anymore, I really can't. Things, well, life in general, hasn't gone my way lately and I'm begining to wonder is it worth it all. I've got to jet, he's home now and will be up questioning things, actually me, about all this soon.
-Drake.
Drake quickly shoved the black journal into his guitar case and picked up the fender. He played a few chords, putting his I'm-concentrating-don't-bother-me face back on. His heart was pounding and he could tell this chirade wasn't going to hold long with Josh. Josh could always see through him, so much so it scared Drake to sleep in the same room as him.
"Brotha, you've got a lot of explaining to do." JOsh stormed as he threw his backpack onto his bed, proceeding to climb the ladder to Drake's.
Drake swallowed hard. He'd done some pretty low things in his lifetime, but this was the lowest of all, Drake knew that. He also knew that no ammount of words, explanations, or empty 'I'm sorry's' was going to make up all the thing's that he'd done.
"Josh...I can't begin to explain." Drake began.
"Well you better try to." Josh contered. Drake was cornered and this wasn't the best time for it. "Drake you can't just run out on a funeral like that. You should have showed your respect for her."
"Josh, I feel really bad about it, trust me. I can't begin to describe how bad a feel about all of this. I know I could have prevented her death, I know I could have prevented all of this. Josh I ran out because I couldn't stand to be there. It reminded me of when my dad died. I ran out on his funeral too. I just can't handle death, at all." Drake said softly he moved over to the chair in the corner. Josh's face softened a bit. He understood his brothers pain.
"Drake, you loved your dad didn't you?" Josh asked.
"Yeah, I loved him a lot."
"Drake, I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just I loved Mindy too." Josh sighed. He was going to cry again.
"You can cry Josh, I won't make fun of you. Trust me, I've been doing a lot of that lately." Drake said when he noticed Josh was holding back tears.
"What making a lot of fun or crying?" Josh questioned. He needed a comic relief right now.
"Crying you boob." Drake smiled. The act felt guilty.
"Claire came back Drake." Josh stated quietly. He didn't want to make his brother mad.
"I broke up with her." Drake said dully. The subject to painful and too touchy to handle.
"I figured as much. Drake why'd you do it?" Josh asked. He'd seen the changes Claire had caused. He saw how much Drake loved her, how much he cared for her. He didn't understand how Drake could do it.
"Josh do we have to talk about this now?" Drake asked getting up from the chair.
"No, we don't. You can tell me when we feel like it, that's what brothers do." Josh said patting Drake's back.
"If you want an explanation to everything read this." Drake said walking over to his bed. He pulled the black journal out of his guitar bag and threw it at Josh.
"Drake this is the journal I gave you." Josh gaped as he looked at the black book in his hands.
"I know, I've been using it for the past few months. Read it, it'll explain a lot. In my own words." Drake explained as he left the room.
Josh sat down on his bed and began to read.