I had no Idea. -Josh's p.o.v.
September 4
Okay so maybe I'll be dorky for a minute, but I need to get this out somehow and a journal is the only source I have at the moment. Last night I went to a college party at Scotties house. I was going to play but my band never showed up. I was about to leave because I kept getting this odd feeling, maybe my Josh sense was tingling. I put my guitar away when I found Trevor, he was pretty wasted so I went to take him home, he passed out, I needed someone to help me take him home. That's when I found Claire. Now Claire is a dorky, well not really dorky, but unpopular girl in school. She was sitting there at the top of the stairs crying. I have no idea but she was. I asked her to help me and she did. To make a long story short she took me to her house and Trevor and I stayed the night. She was so amazing and so nice. I think I like her, wait let me rephrase that, I really like her. She's pretty, smart, nice, ect. Everything that I don't look for in a girl. She makes me want to change and I can't explain it. I've got to go, I'm pretty tired.
How do you end a journal entry?
-Drake
I sat there on my bed, the first entry read. I knew that there was something to trust in that boy. This barely scratched the surface, I needed to know more, he wasn't elaborating enough yet. His feelings not exactly clear. I read on.
September 9
I had a talk with Megan today, about Dad. She cried and I cried too. I miss him so much, apparently she does too. I feel bad because I got to know him more than she ever did. It's wrong. He shouldn't have died, he was such a nice person, he had everything going for him. I wish I had told him I loved him before he left. I remember how I used to sing to Megan when she was a baby. I'd take his guitar and play a few notes, not even chords. I'd just strum. He used to say to me. "There's Drake my little musician. You'll be famous someday boy." If only he could see me now.
-Drake
September 13
So Claire sat with me at lunch a few days ago. I really like her, a lot. People have been talking about us, but they don't know the whole story. How could they, I haven't told them. HOw could they possilby know that I Drake Parker will probably never have sex with a girl because I can't handle that kind of commitment? How the idea of going that far with a girl scares the shit out of me? They could never know that. Anyway, people are talking and I feel bad. Only for Claire, I don't care what people say about me. She's just been so hurt so many times before and I feel responsible for it all. It makes me angry. I asked her out today. We're going to homecomming together. I'm happy for once. It's good.
-Drake
I never knew Drake felt that way about his dad. I rolled over. It was getting interesting now. I always had known there was much more to Drake Parker then met the eye. At least this took my mind of Mindy.
September 25
-Everything's changing and I don't understand any of it. Look at me, I'm keeping a journal for crying out loud. I know Josh has one, but that's irrelevent. I'm so fucked up lately I don't know what to do, it's like I'm happy, I'm so happy, that it makes me depressed. I have Claire, she's mine, I think I love her and that scares the shit out of me. I've never felt this way about any other girl before, I'm so scared that I'll lose her. I keep having these thought's about my Dad. They're the thoughts you don't want to think, the ones that find a way into your head and never get out again. I miss him, a lot. I miss him now more than I ever did before. I wonder if Mom misses him... I really do. Why is she so strong? She always was, same with Megan. Why am I so weak? Why can't I push foward? I'm sick of this chirade that I've made myself, this warped bubble. I'm like everyone's pet, I'm sick of it. The whole town is watching me, waiting for the day I screw up. Well I've fucking screwed up alright! I've screwed everything up, my life, my friends, my family. I'd rather just give it all up now, I don't need school, I've got my music and Claire, and that's enough to keep me satisfied.
Peace out - Drake.
September 27
Homecomming was last night. Claire was upset, the girls were talking shit about her again. I hate it when she crys. Not because it makes her unattractive or something. It makes me feel guilty because these girls are making her life hell because of me. I hate it all, I really do. We danced to Mom and Dad's song, November Rain by Guns and Roses. It was ironic. I still think I love Claire and it still scares me. Well I don't have much more to write.
-Drake
He was right when he said he was everyone's pet. People worshiped Drake, too much. I couldn't help but feel kind of bad for him. Thinking about it he never brought much of it on himself. He probably learned to roll with it over time. Conforming himself into what others thought and told him he should be.
October 17
-I'm feeling better lately. Claire and I've been dating for awhile now. There's no one else I'd rather be with. She's so perfect. Life has been so amazing this past month. Josh and Mindy are so happy with each other. I don't think I hate her as much as I do, but she still didn't have to frame me. Claire's changed me for the better. I've actually read the book we've been assigned. 'Cather In the Rye' and I actually like it. Holden, I think that's his name, I can really connect with him. Anyway, since I've been reading the book I've actually done well on tests. I got an A on the past one. Mrs. Haifer actually cried. It was nice. Maybe I can start making a name for myself, besides the one I've already made.
-Drake
October 31
-Yeah, I know I don't write a lot in here but most of the time I feel it's irrelevent. I talked to Trevor today. He's out of juvie, even though he was only there for a week, he had to do community service. He appologized for everything, well, Trevor doesn't remember much to begin with, so what he remembered being drunk he appologized for. Well it's Halloween, I'm taking Megan trick-or-treating, she's going as a rock star. It's a sight to see. Then I'm going out with Claire to a party, no not another one of those, a Halloween party with my parents and Josh and Mindy. I'm going as Paul McCartney from the Beatles, Claire's going as a flapper, Josh as Dracula and Mindy as Dracula's bride. (how unoriginal I know) It should be fun.
-Drake
November 5
-I knew something was wrong with Trevor, he seemed more calm then usual, but I didn't think much about it. Being in jail seemed to soften him up, if only I'd known the truth. Mindy's only been gone a few days, her funeral is in a couple of hours. I don't want to go, I don't want to see her parents, I feel guilty enough as is. Josh and I haven't talked, I know how he feels. I can hear him crying at night, I know what it's like to feel that much pain. I used to be in the same position he was and just hearing it and seeing it makes the memories and feelings flood back. I hear that her funeral is an open casket, I'm scared for JOsh more so then I am for myself. My dad was cremated, his ashes are here somewhere, I don't like to think about that. I want to help Josh, but what he needs now is my sympathy and I can't console him when I'm the one who could have prevented it all.
-Drake
He felt guilty for killing Mindy, that's all I needed to know. I felt bad now, I felt bad for blaming him. It really wasn't his fault. He broke up with Claire just for me. He'd done so much for me along the years. He was the one who helped me get back with Mindy in the first place, if it weren't for him we'd never have dated. I owe him a lot, it's honest I do. At least I can forgive him.
November 5
-I can't write for long considering he'll be home soon, but I'm starting to worry. It's not like I ever ment for anything to get this out of control. I never ment to hurt the people I did...and the people who haven't been hurt, but soon will. It's just that I can't take it anymore, I really can't. Things, well, life in general, hasn't gone my way lately and I'm begining to wonder is it worth it all. I've got to jet, he's home now and will be up questioning things, actually me, about all this soon.
-Drake.
There I was sitting there with his feelings about the past three months sitting in my hand. He hadn't written much but what he had explained everything. I felt so bad, I wanted to comfort him, to tell him it was all okay. To tell him to get back with the one girl he loved before it was too late.
I walked downstairs I held the journal in my hand. He was sitting on the couch in his pajamas eating a bowl of ice cream watching reruns of the newly wed game. He looked so depressed and I could tell he was.
"Drake here." I said as I placed the book down on his lap as I took the seat next to him.
"You read it?" He asked not looking from the TV.
"Yeah. Drake I had no idea." I began.
"No one does. I'm just the pet, no one cares about what I feel, it's all about how well I can entertain them." He stated as he shoved a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. "You want some?" He asked indicating the ice cream. I wasn't in the mood to eat.
"No thanks." I said turning back to the tv.
"So, Josh. Are we okay now?" He asked as he looked up at me. He was being serious, I could tell.
"Yeah, Drake, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, I'm the one who should be sorry."
I looked down at him, we were both sorry for what we'd done and now whatever it was that we'd been fighting about seemed irrelevent, we should have greived together.
"You know what I realized is ironic?" Drake asked as he swirled his ice cream into a soup.
"What?" I questioned, I was kind of curious.
"That Clarie and I danced to November Rain and here it is November, it's raining, and we broke up. I just think that's ironic." Drake said swirling the ice cream still.
"It is." I sighed. He was right about that one.
We sat there in silence. The Newly Wed game in the background. It was nice closure to the situation.
"Did you read the last page?" Drake asked suddenly.
"The last entry?" I asked not sure what he wanted.
"No, I mean the page after that one." he said flipping to it. "Here, you've read my private thoughts, you can read this." He joked a faint but noticable smile fell on his lips.
I looked at the paper, there was a song written on it.
"Go ahead, I told you you could read it." Drake urged. I read it.
Why is it that you always catch me
at the worst times?
The times when i'm down, losing my ground
tyring to find my way home.
And why do you think that you can hold me
and make everything alright?
It's not okay that I told you goodbye.
And everything that I try to say always comes out wrong
and I'm always messing it up
or telling you lies
why can't I just tell you that
I love you that
I miss you
that you're my everything?
trust me when I don't say anything at all.
How is it you can always see through me?
And how you always seem to know what'll make me smile?
After awhile I learned It's because you know me better than I know myself
and everything that I try to say always comes out wrong
and I'm always messing it up
or telling you lies
why can't i just tell you,
that I love you
that i miss you
that you're my everything?
trust me when I don't say anything at all.
And I'm stuck in this hole that I've dug myself in
and it's getting deeper and deeper
with every lie that I say
And I want you
and I need you
To save me and help me fly
And everything that I try to say always comes out wrong
and I'm always messing it up
or telling you lies
why can't I just tell you,
that I love you
that I miss you
that you're my everything?
trust me when I don't say anything at all.
"You wrote this right?" I questioned. It was good, more emotional then Drake usually wrote. He was kind of like the Beach boys in that sense, writing songs about Cars and girls.
"Yeah, it's for Claire maybe, someday. When I can find the courage to ask her out again." He explained, the tone in his voice spoke the words he didn't have to.
"Drake, you know what I think."
"No Josh I don't know what you think."
"Drake, hear me out. I think you and Claire should get back together. I don't want you to miss out on the one thing you had going for you." I told him, it was bad enough that I'd lost Mindy. I didn't want him to lose what I had with her.
"Thanks but no thanks. I'll figure this out on my own." He said. "I'm tired, I think I might go to bed." he told me as he got up off the couch and put his bowl away in the kitchen. That was odd, it was only 5:30.
Alright so I managed to write two chapters this weekend. woot long weekends love them. Don't expect more untill maybe next Saturday night, then again don't expect much. Oh and another note I always tend to notice that stories/ fan fics always turn to crap when someone dies,I have no idea why that is. But anyway I'll trynot to make this crap butdon't be surprised if it happens.AsI always say,bad FanFiction happens to the bestof us.