Author's Notes: some language
When dealing with a parent, or any family member, of a patient a doctor must deliver the bad news as delicately as possible. But a Doctor also had to be realistic and had to ensure that there was no confusion when delivering that news. A Doctor couldn't destroy hope if there was a reasonable chance for recovery. Hope was all a parent sometimes had when their only child's fate rested in the Doctor's hands.
No matter how many times Brightman had to tell a crying mother or father that their son or daughter was not going to survive, she always found it difficult. Her training in the Air Force and in medical school did teach her to suppress her feelings when delivering the bad news. It enabled her to be that shoulder to cry on if necessary and allowed her to distance herself from the grieving.
However, Brightman didn't think there could be anything worse than telling someone that their loved one was about to die. A situation worst than that had simply never happened during her career and she never thought it would. Medicine was a science; there was either a treatment or not. Brightman discovered she was wrong when she had to tell Colonel Samantha Carter that there was nothing medically wrong with Hannah Carter that was causing the child's seizures.
The MRI, CAT and PET scans did not reveal any abnormalities that could be causing the child's seizures. Blood toxicology came back normal. Nor did Brightman discover if Hannah had any kind of head injury recently. On the father's side there was no history of epilepsy and the only unknown factor was the mother's genetic history. But still, Hannah was physically, a normal, healthy four year old child who should not be having these seizures.
Dr. Brightman felt bad for not being able to find the reason for Hannah's seizures or determining a way to prevent them from occurring. Despite the fact that little Hannah didn't like her, mainly because each time Brightman visited she had to give an injection or take some blood from the unhappy little girl, Brightman, just like the rest of her staff and the members of the SGC, was taken in by the child. No one could resist those big blue eyes or those dimples when she smiled.
No one, except General O'Neill. Being the leader, he couldn't allow himself to be affected by her giggles or her innocence.
If the situation wasn't bad enough already, Brightman felt even guiltier when she had withheld certain information, regarding Hannah, from Colonel Carter. Per the General's orders Dr. Brightman didn't tell Colonel Carter about the results of the EEG and what the scans did reveal about Hannah. So what the Doctor told Colonel Carter was the truth but only part of it. Brightman, rather reluctantly, didn't volunteer the rest of the information nor did she allow Colonel Carter to see the test results.
Carter was too intelligent of a lady and Brightman didn't want to risk her figuring out that Hannah's brain scans were not normal for a four year old child. Unlike General O'Neill, who didn't have a clue what he was looking at. Brightman could have showed him a brain scan of a dog or cat and the man wouldn't have known the difference. But then, he wasn't a scientist he was a soldier.
"This computer enhanced MRI is after her first seizure three days ago and this…is from this afternoon," Brightman said, showing him the results on her computer monitor. "There isn't much of a difference between the first two scans…but after a total of five seizures…"
"Perhaps it would be better if you just pointed it out to me, doc! It's been a long day and I have had my lunch yet!" General O'Neill grumbled.
"This MRI, the one take three days ago, shows a brain more highly developed than the image I took this afternoon. And her neuropeptide levels…while they are still abnormally high, they are dropping dramatically."
"So…what's happening to her then? Can you raise her levels? Is this permanent? That's what I need to know, Doc!"
"I don't know, Sir. I've never seen anything like it. I am at a loss as to what's causing these seizures. Perhaps you should ask her. If she's hiding her intelligence…"
"That's not as easy as you're saying. Carter won't leave Hannah for more than five minutes! And she'll kill me if she finds out what I'm having you do!"
"Maybe it's time you told her…Sir," Brightman suggested.
"Yeah…I know," he mumbled to himself but loud enough that Brightman heard him. "Tell no one of these results. Keep them safe so that no one else finds them and make sure any duplicates disappear! If Hannah is what I think she is…we owe it to Carter and her family to protect the girl."
"Yes, Sir."
Selmak thought her situation couldn't have gotten worse!
First, she had hurt Jacob by killing him. Then Selmak had made a bigger mess of things by helping him to ascend. After finding out that Jacob was not happy with her 'symbiotic highhandedness', her 'arrogant assumption on what was best for Jacob because she was thirty-three point three…three…three times his age', she had returned to the physical realm to make amends. And then she had lost the one person she was supposed to protect!
If all that wasn't enough, she then had to endure every imaginable discomfort, except for puberty, of being human…without complaint! Oh how she wanted to complain when Brightman came after her with all those fucking needles, just so Selmak could tell the 'good' Doctor where exactly to stick them.
And yet, in this fragile human form, Selmak had discovered her true punishment. For what could be worse than losing one's self than by losing the memories of the experiences that made them who they are and being aware that she was losing them?
For in fact, that's what's been happening to her after each seizure. The only memories she was able to remember clearly and in complete detail were as far back as one thousand years into her past. Her first one thousand years of memories were like a piece of Swiss cheese; they had these hug gaps! Some things she could remember in minute details while others were vague recollections. She wasn't even sure of some of these recollection were her memories or not.
This realization, in addition to the fact that she still hasn't heard anything about Jacob, was disheartening. She feared that if her seizures were to continue that she would lose all of her memories. What if she forgot who she was and why she was here before she found Jacob?
Or worse, what if they found Jacob and she didn't remember who she was? He wouldn't know who she was and what if…what if he didn't want the daughter he never had? After all, Jacob would have at least remembered something that and because he didn't remember, would have believed that Selmak had some hand it creating a child without his knowledge! Which in the end would have been one more item on a very long list of things Jacob would be mad at Selmak for.
Selmak didn't want to contemplate the variety of answers that bombarded her mind. Thinking about them only sent her into a deeper depression. She couldn't even bring herself to smile at Sam anymore when she tried desperately to cheer her little sister up.
"Can you put some more hot water in?" Selmak asked, as Sam gently lathered the soap on Selmak's hair.
"Sure," Sam smiled warmly down at Selmak.
Sam even added more soap bubbles to add to replenish the dwindling suds in the tub. After Selmak's dreadful experience when the nurse gave her a bath, Sam took it upon herself to make Selmak's baths a more enjoyable experience. She really did enjoy her baths now, especially the bubbles...the more bubbles the better! Only today, the bubbles didn't help to brighten her mood. Not even the purple toy fishes helped to cheer up Selmak as they floated about in the suds.
"Better?" Sam asked, testing the water in the tub with her hand.
Selmak simply nodded then watched Sam's face as she continued to wash Selmak's hair. Sam was not as good as her father when it came to hiding her feelings. If Jacob were here, he would have told Selmak it was because Sam was the ideal blending of Jacob and Allison Carter. Samantha Carter had her mother's strengths that perfectly contemplated her father's temper and stubbornness that she inherited. Sam was able to control her anger and use her stubbornness to her advantage. But Sam was passionate, just like her mother too; she wasn't able to completely conceal what she was feeling and Selmak saw.
"I'm sorry," Selmak sighed, staring at the new suds.
"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I make you sad."
"No, you don't honey," Sam honestly said. "I am so happy to have you in my life. Now lean back so I can rinse your hair."
Doing as she was told enabled Sam to pour the water over Selmak's head so that it stayed out of her face. As Sam poured the water, Selmak was over come by the weight of her guilt. Guilt that had grown exponentially since arrived on Earth. She could take one hundred thousand baths or more and they would not wash away the guilt she felt for harming Jacob and his family.
To carry the guilt had final become too heavy of a burden. Perhaps that's why she was having the seizures. Perhaps that's why she was losing her memories…losing herself. Perhaps the time was now to tell Sam the truth. If Sam knew the truth the she could help Selmak to find Jacob. Selmak was certain he was on Earth. Her worst fear, the one she didn't want to contemplate but was afraid might be true, was that Jacob was already in the hands of his government.
"Sam?" Selmak asked as Sam gently lifted her out of the tub and quickly wrapped her in a towel.
"Yes, Hannah," Sam smiled.
"Sam…I was…I…"
Selmak, the one Tok'ra who was never at a loss for words suddenly didn't know what to say. There was so much love and tenderness in Sam's eyes when Selmak looked into them. How could she shatter such affection?
How could she tell this woman, who entrusted her father's life into Selmak's hand, that you've been lying to her for the past five days while she has labored to be the best big sister and parent an orphaned child could ever want?
Truth was, Selmak couldn't tell Sam. Not yet. Selmak didn't want to instill a sense of false hope in Samantha. Selmak's been on Earth for five days and still no word about Jacob. That didn't necessarily mean that his government captured him. He could simply be hurt or, by some chance, lost his memories like Dr. Jackson did and has no idea who he is. But if she told Sam now and they didn't find Jacob, then that would be worse than Jacob's death. Selmak couldn't inflict that kind of pain on Sam.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
Selmak sighed, then smiled devilishly at Sam.
"I was wondering if I could try both chocolate and vanilla ice-cream? Daddy said chocolate is the best but you say vanilla…how do I know which one is the best?"
"You are a clever little girl!" Sam said, tickling Selmak and making her giggle.
Well, maybe Selmak's situation wasn't all that bad. She found out how much she loved to laugh. She could never do that as a symbiote unless it was through a host. Laughter was such a wonderful sensation that it always made her feel so much better. Plus, even those around her were happier and often participated by laughing themselves.
And being sick did have its advantages too. Since she started having these seizures, Selmak has tried every variety of Jell-O, cookie and cake the Air Force had to offer. Might as well work on the different flavors of ice-cream while she could savor the taste and remember the names of the different flavors.
Once she was dress in her pink, Tinkerbell pajamas, and her hair was dry, Selmak sat patiently on a chair at the small table in Sam's quarters. Because Sam had no intention of leaving the SGC until Hannah could, General O'Neill had been more than happy to set up living quarters for them in one of the VIP suites.
"Ok, Hannah…you can't try those big bites with ice-cream that you take with the Jell-O," Sam warned while she was setting down the bowl in front of Selmak. "You'll get brain-freeze!"
"My brain will freeze?" she asked making Sam laugh.
"It won't exactly freeze, but it will hurt!"
Selmak shrugged her shoulders and scooped up a huge bite with her spoon.
"Don't say I didn't warn you!" Sam smiled.
"Ok! I won't!" Selmak chirped then put the bite in her mouth.
Brain-freeze was a term Selmak heard from Jacob a few times when they were on Earth. But it was nothing she actually experienced with him. Despite Sam's warnings, Selmak forged ahead, bite after bite.
Wow! Ice cream was the best tasting dessert…EVER!
What brain-freeze? Jacob, you're a…
"OW!" Selmak shouted dropping her spoon and grabbed her forehead.
"I told you!" Sam laughed.
Ok, Selmak was tired of everyone laughing at her expense! Plus, she didn't like the disgusting medication she was forced to take to try and prevent the seizures from occurring. She didn't like losing her memories. She was really ticked off with herself for not finding Jacob yet.
Selmak had finally had enough and just snapped.
"That's not funny!" she shouted before running and climbing onto her bed.
It wasn't that she was upset with Sam. Selmak was upset with herself and the current situation she was in. She wasn't in control anymore. For a symbiote, being in control was everything. It didn't matter whether you were a Goa'uld or a Tok'ra. No, she wasn't power hungry like the Goa'uld but Selmak did like sharing her control with her host in order that they may both live comfortably and symbiotically.
Being a child was not fun when the adults always told you what to do. Eat your peas and carrots. Drink your water. Brush your teeth before you go to bed. No, you can't have Jell-O or cookies for breakfast…no, fruit in the Jell-O doesn't count as a breakfast food either! And she was really tired of them patting her on the head or pinching her cute little cheeks.
"Hannah?" Sam questioned, gently touching Selmak's shoulder.
Selmak buried her face more into the pillow and just wailed. She didn't speak, instead she just wept while clutching onto the Teddy Bear Teal'c had given her, thinking it could somehow comfort her.
"It's ok if you miss him," Sam whispered, wrapping her arms around Selmak. "I still miss him too."
Sam's word only made Selmak feel guiltier. She knew she couldn't tell Sam her secret, not yet. So Selmak continued to cry without saying a word. Only the more she cried, the tighter Sam held onto her.
"Shh, Hannah. It's ok. Everything will be ok," Sam whispered. "Do you know why I know everything will be ok?"
Selmak turned around to see that Sam was crying too. But she smiled as she wiped away Selmak's tears.
"Why?" Selmak asked.
"Because you love him. You miss him so much because you love him. The pain you're feeling is because you love him. But you will remember him because of that love."
Selmak squeezed her eyes shut, afraid Sam would see the guilt she was carrying inside. Sam's words were like a dagger in Selmak's heart. A deserved dagger for the crimes she committed against Jacob and the lies she said to Sam.
"I love him too. And I love you, Hannah."
He could see Carter was already in his office. Her back was to the window as she stood inspecting the Lego work of art that was on his desk. The same work of art that Hannah had built and that Jack was going to have to tell Sam about.
Jack stopped near the conference table to collect himself. At this point he would have preferred walking into his office to face Ba'al or an enemy. Anyone except Sam! With Ba'al, Jack could say whatever he felt like. He didn't care what came out of his mouth because he didn't worry about hurting an enemy. Any kind of pain to an enemy was good. Not that words would ever inflict pain on the likes of Ba'al.
However, with Sam, Jack had to choose his words very carefully. He cared about her…a lot. He was aware that she knew he was up to something, which is why he had been avoiding her lately. But he did make sure he was with Sam when she received the news from Dr. Brightman about Hannah's seizures. He even stayed with Sam while she tried to get Hannah to eat her Jell-O after Sam explained to Hannah what was happening to her.
The little girl had fallen into a depression. Her smile was gone, as was the cheerfulness from her eyes. Whether it was all an act or not, Jack could see that these seizures were scaring the kid. The last thing Jack wanted was to see a repeat of the Charlie-Reetu incident. And the last thing Jack wanted was for Sam or Hannah to be hurt.
But the truth was going to hurt Sam no matter what. There was no avoiding that. However, if Sam was going to care for Hannah, Jack needed to tell Sam everything. It was the only way to protect the girl, especially if she really was a Harcesis. Actually, Jack was positive Hannah was Harcesis. She had to be. All signs seemed to indicate with the high level of intelligence and her acting ability. Plus, her Lego construction proved it.
After a deep breath, Jack slowly walked into his office.
"Carter, just the person I wanted to see," he said, closing the office door behind him. "Take a seat."
Sam was quiet as he closed the other door. That was not a good sign. If she was already mad at him, she was going to explode in another minute. Regardless, Jack took his seat behind his desk. After all, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
"We need to talk," he started, carefully observing her to see just how mad she really was.
"Yes, Sir…we do," she plainly stated.
Shit! She was super pissed! And she didn't hesitate to let him have it!
"I want to know why I can't take Hannah home!" she snapped at him. "Dr. Brightman said that you haven't given her clearance to release my sister!"
"There was something I needed to be sure of before I allowed Hannah to leave the base," he said calmly.
"What?" Sam growled.
Here it was…the moment of truth and Sam with white hot anger filling those blue eyes of hers. Jack didn't hesitate.
"I had Brightman run a few tests…"
"WHAT?"
"Just hear me out…"
"First you had better tell my WHY you're having tests performed on my baby sister behind my back!"
Sam roared at him.
"I believe Hannah's been lying to us. The test results indicate that Hannah is very intelligent. And I never thought that I would ever being saying this, but Hannah is much more intelligent that you are, Carter. I mean her intelligence is way off the charts!"
"What the hell does that have to do with her lying?" Sam asked in disbelief.
"Sam…I believe Hannah is Harcesis."
"BULLSHIT! Why would she hide that?"
"Maybe she's afraid…maybe Jacob told her not to tell anyone…"
"Not even me? That doesn't make any sense for Hannah to keep something like that from her own sister!"
"Then how do you explain this!" he shot back, pointing to the Lego piece on his desk. "Come on Sam…you were actually there! How could Hannah have built an exact replica of the temple at Dakarah, unless she has the memories of her father's symbiote in that head of hers!"
"This is ridiculous! She was born before Dad, Selmak and I were ever at Dakarah! Plus, what if my father or Selmak had built if for her before and she was just copying something he did? Did you think of that?"
"No," he answered weakly.
"I just can't believe that you had tests performed on my baby sister, without my consent!"
"I was within my rights to do so, to protect you and this planet…"
"She's only a child! She's a sick and frightened child! And I'm doing the best I can to see that she gets better!" Sam yelled and her voice cracked, as the tears started to fall. "I will not lose another member of my family!"
"Sam…"
"She's all I have left of my father! I won't let you or anyone else take her away from me!"
Jack sighed, "I don't want to take her from you…."
"Then why do all this behind my back? I thought we trusted each other, Jack!"
"I…I was only looking out for you, Sam."
"Well, you don't have to any longer!" she spat, making Jack wince. She quickly wiped her tears away and headed for the exit. "I'm taking my sister home, where she belongs!"
"Very well, I'll call Brightman."
"What?" Sam asked in surprise as she opened his office door.
"Sam, I'm aware of how important Hannah is to you. It's the other reason why I ran had Brightman do the tests. I admit…I could be wrong. You know me, I'm usually wrong. But if by some chance that I'm right, then Hannah needs to be protected."
"You're wrong about her, Sir," Sam said firmly. "She's only a little girl who needs me to take care of her."
Jack sighed again. He wasn't getting through to Sam. Nor did he want to force her to see things from his perspective. The week has been exhausting, especially for Sam. Perhaps in a few days she'll see things more clearly.
"Go ahead, Sam. You can take her home."
When Sam had first told Hannah that Dad was gone, she was expecting her little sister to cry a little more than she actually did. And Sam had even thought it was odd during some moments with Hannah because it seemed like the girl had been trying too hard to please everyone.
But Sam had come to realize that Hannah was amongst strangers. She had even been a stranger to her own big sister when she first arrived. So her acting strange was actually Hannah's way of desperately trying to fit in. And in trying to fit in, Sam quickly realized that Hannah was just trying to be…her father's daughter. A tough little girl who had tried to show that she wasn't hurt by the fact that her father was dead.
Eventually that resolve breaks down. It happens to everyone. Finally, it had happened to Hannah.
Sam had held her little sister until she cried herself to sleep in Sam's arms. Sam had done her best to not cry but failed. She loved her little sister so much and she was so worried about her. Dr. Brightman still hadn't found a cause for Hannah's seizures or how to prevent them.
She didn't know what was worse…watching her father slowly die or watching her little sister during one of her seizures. Her father, who had been the strong soldier, nobly accepting his death, was possibly not as gut wrenching as watching a vulnerable child during a seizure that the Doctor couldn't stop. Regardless, during either situation Sam had felt helpless.
There's nothing Sam could have done about losing her father. But she decided she would do whatever it took to help Hannah. Dr. Brightman and her staff were doing all they could to determine the cause of Hannah's seizures so that they could cure them or at least control them. Sam was doing her best to be a good parent to Hannah. With Daniel and Teal'c's help, Sam already got a room ready for Hannah to move into at Sam's house. And, with reluctance but believing it was necessary, Sam asked if Dr. McKenzie would help Hannah cope with Dad's death.
The little girl was good at hiding those feelings that trouble her most. General O'Neill's notion of Hannah being Harcesis was preposterous! Sam couldn't bring herself to believe it! There were a few times Sam noticed that Hannah had been crying. Now, if Hannah were Harcesis, would she be crying for no apparent reason? And Sam firmly believed that Hannah would have revealed herself to Sam because her father never would have told Hannah to keep something like that a secret from her big sister.
Sam was livid! It was the one time she was so glad to have inherited her father's temper. Her baby sister had been on Earth for nearly a week and had yet to see the outside! Then Jack had the gall to say that Hannah was Harcesis, which only enraged Sam even more. To her surprise, Jack had given her permission to take Hannah home. Not that she needed his permission because Sam had already made up her mind that Hannah was leaving with her. Of course, Sam may have been too harsh on him but that didn't matter anymore. Hannah was the most important thing in Sam's life right now.
Sitting there, watching Hannah sleep in her own bed in Sam's home, felt so right. Finally, the both of them could start to live their lives together as a family. In getting this new way of life going, Sam had a deeper respect for her father because she came to realize just how much effort it took her father to raise two children on his own.
But Sam wasn't going to make those same mistakes he made. No more late nights working at the SGC. No, when Hannah needed her, Sam would be there no matter what. Even if Hannah did something bad, as most children do, Sam would discipline her sister firmly while never letting Hannah forget how important she was to Sam.
The three chairs were situated so that McKenzie could sit facing the Carters when they arrived. He always preferred to see his patients' face to face. Their reactions and body language were just as important as what they spoke. For what they didn't say could be just as insightful into discovering what their problem was. McKenzie was a man who cared about his patients and would use any advantage, within the limits of his practice that he could get to help them.
"Colonel Carter is here, Doctor," his nurse announced from his doorway.
"Send them in," he said, quickly moving out from behind his desk.
Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter had brought her little sister, Hannah Carter, to his office precisely on schedule and the first thing Dr. McKenzie noticed was that Hannah was not happy about this visit. The girl stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him. Colonel Carter had to pull…almost drag Hannah into his office. McKenzie thought for a brief moment that Hannah was going to throw a tantrum and grab hold of the doorframe!
"Hello, Dr. McKenzie," Carter smiled, shaking his hand when they finally were near enough.
"Colonel Carter, it's good to see you again," he said then turned his attention to Hannah, kneeling down to her level and extending the same courtesy. "So, you must be Hannah."
Hannah did not return the handshake gesture. Nor did she back away from him like most young children would do when meeting a stranger. She stood her ground, keeping her hands at her side. McKenzie found her to be an adorable little girl with her blonde pigtails, and her lavender overalls. She even had a white long sleeve shirt on that matched her white tennis shoes.
Her big blue eyes stared intensely at him, taking him in. There was boldness in them that one doesn't normally see in a child her age. They were almost…ancient…like she had lived well beyond his years. Then she blinked a couple of times and those blue eyes were filled with the innocence and fear of a child leading him to believe he just imagined what he saw a moment ago.
"Hannah, shake his hand," Colonel Carter insisted, gently nudging Hannah's right arm.
"Do I have to?" Hannah whined, looking up at the Colonel.
"It's considered rude if you don't."
McKenzie refrained from smiling when Hannah rolled her eyes.
"Hannah!" Carter
"Sorry, Sam," Hannah sighed, offering him her little hand. "Are you going to stab me with a needle too? I don't think Dr. Brightman left any blood for you to take!"
"Hannah! Sorry, Dr. McKenzie. Hannah isn't afraid to speak her mind."
"Quite alright," he smiled.
"But Dr. Brightman's always taking my blood and never giving any of it back!" Hannah explained.
"Don't worry, Hannah," he smiled, leading her over to her seat. "It won't be necessary. I don't need any of your blood. Why don't we take our seats, ladies."
"Hey! Finally, a chair my size!" Hannah said, quickly sitting in the child's chair. "Do you have it in purple?"
"Hannah, that's not very polite," Colonel Carter said to the girl.
"It's quite alright, Colonel Carter," McKenzie smiled. "I'm sorry Hannah but the chair manufacturers didn't make them in purple."
"That's true Hannah," Colonel Carter added, taking her seat. "Just be happy they're a fit for you. They're a little small for me and Dr. McKenzie."
"It's not our comfort that matters, Colonel Carter," he said taking his 'small' seat too. "We're just going to start with a few standard questions then the session will begin between Hannah and myself."
After a few preliminary questions with both the Colonel and Hannah, it became perfectly clear that Hannah just didn't like Doctors and liked needles even less. And to make sure he understood her distaste for them, Hannah voiced her opinion of him!
No doubt about it, Hannah was Jacob Carter's offspring. She said what she was thinking, just like her father. Had an aversion to doctors, just like her father too. She even had called McKenzie an asshole, just like her father did. In other words, Hannah Carter was going to be a challenging patient, just like her father was.
Yes, McKenzie knew Jacob Carter…as a former patient first, before getting the chance to really know the man when they worked together at the Pentagon. That first meeting had been at the request of Jacob's superiors. He had been ordered to seek counseling after the death of his wife. It had taken McKenzie a month to get Jacob to talk about that day Allison Carter was killed and where Jacob had pulled his dead wife from a wrecked car.
Hopefully Hannah won't be as stubborn, but having dealt with Colonel Carter on the rare occasion, he firmly believed that the Carter gene for stubbornness existed.
Only after Colonel Carter left his office, McKenzie got the distinct impression that Hannah was far more stubborn than her father. There was a stillness about her that was odd for a child her age. He had caught a glimpse of it earlier. The girl definitely had the Carter gene for intelligence because it showed in her eyes too, she knew exactly what was going on. As she stared back at him, he had the feeling that she was making her own mental notes too.
"Is there something you want to say to me, Hannah?" he asked, breaking the silence.
She didn't reply. Instead her stare seem to intensify, like she was challenging him.
"You miss your father, don't you? It's alright if you miss him. Would you like to talk about him?"
Still she didn't reply. In fact, he could swear she didn't even blink.
"What about your mother? I'm told that you never talk about her."
"That's because it made Daddy sad when I talked about her, so I don't!"
McKenzie was not surprised by her harsh tone. It was very clear, Hannah did not like him and she didn't hesitate to show it. He quickly scribbled a few things down on his note pad while observing her. However, this action only seemed to enrage the child. Perhaps a different approach...
"Could I have a pen and paper too?" she suddenly asked.
"Why?" he countered, out of curiosity.
"Because it's really rude to not share! You have some more on your desk. I can see them," she said hopping off her chair.
"Help yourself," he smiled, then watched as Hannah grabbed the desired items and sat back down in her seat.
He watched quietly, as she attempted to sit like him with one leg crossed over the other. However, Hannah was too small and couldn't coordinate using her leg to support the writing pad. She didn't give up either and managed to figure out a way to hold the pad so he couldn't see what she was writing.
"You know Hannah, I knew your father," he said, after jotting down some more notes.
"Did you know Selmak too? Did Selmak die with my father? No one ever mentions HER! It's like she never existed! Nobody cares about her! They only talk about Daddy!"
Ok, now that was odd. According to a previous conversation with Colonel Carter, Hannah never mentioned the symbiote during any of their conversations about Jacob Carter. Everyone just assumed that Jacob had never informed her about Selmak so as not to confuse the child. But what was really odd was the fact that Hannah referred to the symbiote as female and McKenzie couldn't help but be surprised by that fact.
He quickly jotted down some notes about Selmak possibly mothering Hannah so he could explore that line of thought later.
"You knew about Selmak?" he asked, after he looked at her.
"Yes," she replied weakly as her eyes looked away from him and going back to her writing.
Ok…that was a bit puzzling. Her reactions were almost contradictory. She was angry when she should have been sad. And now, she was acting like a frightened child when only a moment ago he almost felt threatened by her.
"What can you tell me about…her?" he asked.
"I…I can't tell you anything…I wasn't supposed to tell," she replied with big tears in her eyes. "Daddy and Selmak said I wasn't supposed to tell anyone! I'm in so much trouble now!"
"Hannah, you can tell me," he smiled reassuringly. "Anything you tell me is just between you and me. I am not allowed to tell anyone what we talk about. That way you won't be in trouble."
"I don't know…I'm already in…"
"Already in what?" he asked when she became silent.
This was ridiculous! She didn't need a shrink! She needed Jacob! But she knew that Sam was just being the concerned big sister and was doing what she thought was best for her baby sister. Plus, the possibility that this was General Jack's brilliant idea had also crossed Selmak's mind. So Selmak had tried not to appear too annoyed when they had arrived at Dr. McKenzie's office. In fact, Selmak even tried to leave but Sam had a strong grip and refused to let go!
Of course Selmak failed to hide her true feelings because she couldn't just keep her mouth shut. Then she embarrassed Sam when she called McKenzie an asshole. At the time, Selmak didn't see what was so embarrassing or why Sam made a big deal about using such a word. If Selmak really had wanted to embarrass Sam, Selmak could have called McKenzie a goddamn, clueless, fucking asshole.
It was a waste because McKenzie wasn't affected by her word. So she tried a different technique, she glared at him like she would glare at some Jaffa she was trying to humiliate. That didn't phase him either!
"Is there something you want to say to me, Hannah?"
Yeah, she wanted to tell him were he could shove that pad and pen! Only she didn't.
"You miss your father, don't you? It's alright if you miss him. Would you like to talk about him?"
'Not unless you can tell me where he is you QUACK!' she thought.
Still, her glare hadn't gotten a reaction out of him. Shit…what did it take?
"What about your mother? I'm told that you never talk about her." he asked.
"That's because it made Daddy sad when I talked about her, so I don't!"
Again, he was unaffected and Selmak even used that tone with him. That tone she used when belittling a Jaffa. Of course it wasn't as impressive coming out of a child's mouth as it was a host's mouth. McKenzie didn't even flinch. All he did was jot down some more notes on his notepad.
"Could I have a pen and paper too?" she demanded. There were a few things she wanted to write about him!
"Why?"
"Because it's really rude to not share! You have some more on your desk. I can see them," she said, getting off her chair and not bothering to wait for his permission. Whether he gave it or not, she was taking the writing utensil and paper.
"Help yourself."
This was SO humiliating. The once proud and fearsome Selmak was now as pathetic and weak as this child's body that she chose to be. She couldn't sit comfortably with the fucking pad and pen. Out of frustration, Selmak spat out at him about Hannah having knowledge of her father's symbiote.
For her efforts, the man at last reacted…he raised one eyebrow at her.
Only, once Selmak realized what she had done, her humiliation worsened. Now the secret was out. No one was to ever know that Selmak was a female. Especially while inhabiting a man like Jacob Carter who was as masculine as a man could get.
"You knew about Selmak?"
"Yes," she said in defeat then quickly finished what she was writing on the paper.
"What can you tell me about…her?" he asked.
"I…I can't tell you anything…I wasn't supposed to tell," she replied, deciding it best to let the tears fall in hopes that the questioning would stop. "Daddy and Selmak said I wasn't supposed to tell anyone! I'm in so much trouble now!"
"Hannah, you can tell me. Anything you tell me is just between you and me. I am not allowed to tell anyone what we talk about. That way you won't be in trouble."
"I don't know…I'm already in…" she started to say but stopped.
There was that need to confess everything again. But Dr. McKenzie was the last person to confess too. Make that second to last because General Jack was the last person she would confess anything to!
"Already in what?" he asked when she became silent.
"Where's Sam? I want to go home now," Selmak wept, it was all she could think of to stop this humiliation. "I don't want to talk anymore."
McKenzie smiled while getting to his feet. She really poured on the choking and sobbing as he picked up his phone.
"Colonel Carter can return now," he said before hanging up the phone. "That's enough for today's session. But I will see you again next week Hannah, ok?"
Selmak nodded, wiping her tears with her shirtsleeve.
"Tears are a good thing, Hannah," he smiled, moving to her.
She didn't stop him as he took the pad and pen away before handing her a Kleenex. She needed comforting and would take it from anyone at this point.
"They're a part of the healing process and an important part of being human," he smiled warmly as she wiped her tears with the tissue.
That was the last thing she needed to be reminded of…being human. Selmak was beginning to wonder if she made the right decision. After all, everything would have been better if she never helped Jacob to ascend. He would be where he was happy and so would she.
"Do they make all the pain going away?" she asked, almost without realizing she had asked it.
"No. But they do help."
"Hannah?" Sam asked as she entered McKenzie's office.
"She's going to be fine," McKenzie said, helping Hannah off her chair.
Selmak immediately went to Sam, who scooped her up and held her close. Sam's hugs had a way of making Selmak feel so much better.
"Can I speak with Colonel Carter in private?" McKenzie asked Hannah.
Of course Selmak wanted to say no and thankfully Sam responded first.
"Go on Hannah, go put your coat on," Sam smiled, after setting Selmak back on her feet.
Selmak did as she was told while listening to them talk. It wasn't like she was eavesdropping, McKenzie talked so loud that there was no need to be sneaky about listening.
"I think if you talk to her about your father, she'll open up more and won't keep those feelings bottled up inside," McKenzie suggested. "Share some stories about him from when you were growing up. Then next week we'll see how Hannah's doing. Also, I think you should talk to her about Selmak."
"Selmak?" Sam asked.
"Hannah is very upset that no one talks about her father's symbiote."
"I had no idea she even knew about Selmak," Sam said, just before Selmak returned to her. "Thank you, Dr. McKenzie. I'll do what you told me. And we'll see you next week. Say bye Hannah."
"Bye," she said to the doctor, then they went on their way.
In the car, Selmak remained quiet. She could barely see out the window as Sam drove through town, even sitting in the child's seat. Just another thing to add to her long list of human discomforts.
The car came to a stop at a light signal and Selmak turned to see Sam was smiling back at her. Out of respect, Selmak smiled back. As Sam continued to drive, Selmak suddenly remember a time when Jacob was driving Sam from the hospital. Sam was about the same age as Hannah. She had just been given a physical and a vaccination shot. She was crying when Jacob looked back at her and smiled.
"Cheer up Sam," he grinned, reaching over and wiping Sam's tears. "I know just the thing to make you feel better."
Jacob had taken Sam to a children's playground. There weren't any kids playing because they were all still in school so Sam and Jacob had the playground to themselves. No wonder Jacob took his grandkids to the park and played with them, it was always his happiest moments with his own kids.
Selmak almost never realized how much of a kid Jacob could be when he chose to be. In the memory, he and Sam played for hours. Even when other kids showed up, Jacob played with them too. Oh, he endured Allison's temper when he brought Sam home late for dinner. But it was worth it.
"Sam…can we go to the park and play?" Selmak asked.
"It's snowing Hannah."
"So. It's not snowing hard."
"How about we go get some ice-cream?" Sam countered.
"I don't want ice-cream."
"You don't want ice-cream?" Sam asked in disbelief.
"No. I want to go to the park and play. Daddy said he used to play with you at the park."
"Alright," Sam smiled. "But not for too long. I don't want you to catch a cold."
"Yippee!" Selmak cheered and clapped.
McKenzie had been watching the video of his session with Hannah and taking notes when his phone rang. After picking up the phone, he was surprised to hear General O'Neill's voice on the other end.
"Good afternoon, Doc. This is General Jack O'Neill.."
"General O'Neill, how can I help you, Sir?"
"I would like to know how Hannah's doing."
"I'm sorry, Sir. I am not at liberty to discuss my patient's diagnosis without their or their parent's consent."
"Right…look…all I want to know…is she a normal little girl?"
"I don't understand what you mean, Sir."
"Has she done anything…odd?"
"She has good hand coordination," McKenzie answered, believing that didn't violate the Doctor-Patient confidentiality.
"What?"
"She drew some hieroglyphs. I faxed a copy to Dr. Jackson to see if they translate into a word."
"And you don't find a four year old writing hieroglyphs odd?"
"Not when the child was raised by a Tok'ra."
He heard the General sigh on the other side.
"McKenzie…I didn't want to do this. But I'm ordering you to share any of your findings about Hannah Carter."
"Sir…"
"Yes, I can order you. Dr. Brightman found some…interesting results from her tests about Hannah. I need to know what you found out."
"Sir…I'm not comfortable…"
"Doc, this is for Hannah's protection. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir. I haven't finished reviewing the session yet."
"Call me when you're done. Oh…and Doc…no one is to know about this."
"I understand, Sir."
After slowly hanging up the phone, McKenzie rewound the tape to watch the session from the beginning again. The first time through, he watched to see how to help a little girl to get past her grief for her father…and his symbiote. Now, he had to be more objective and try not to think of her as a little girl.
The phone suddenly rang again.
"Hello, this is McKenzie."
"Hello Doctor, this is Dr. Jackson."
"Dr. Jackson, yes. Do you have a translation for me or is it just nonsense?"
"It's not nonsense."
"So, what did she write?" he asked, getting ready to jot it down.
"Well…loosely translated…it says..."
"Yes?" McKenzie asked after a long moment of silence.
"It says…all doctors are quacks."
McKenzie couldn't help but be surprised. He began to wonder just how Hannah came to know the term quack. The term is not one a normal four year old would know about.
"Thank you, Dr. Jackson," he said then quickly hang up the phone.
His hand rested on the phone as he debated about calling General O'Neill. Why did Hannah need protection? And what was McKenzie really supposed to be looking for from his session with Hannah?
What an afternoon it had been!
Sam had forgotten what it was like to just…have fun and be a kid. She found herself running and playing with Hannah. And was Sam surprised at how well Hannah could throw a snowball, especially when it hit Sam square in the face.
Harcesis! Hah!
Hannah was just a kid who was hurting but who also wanted to have fun. From their romp in the park, Sam saw that Hannah was going to be a very athletic little girl. Much more so than Sam. Which was good, that meant that Hannah wasn't going to be labeled a geek or a nerd during school no matter how smart she was.
Playing with Hannah had let some fond memories Sam of her father resurfaced. She had forgotten that he wasn't always a stickler for the rules. There were a number of occasions when he purposely brought her and Mark home late after playing at the park just to get mom riled up. Looking back, Sam realized it was a game her parents played.
In fact, ever since Hannah came into Sam's life, she found herself remembering back to when she was Hannah's age and what it was like to grow up having the love her both her parents. Even after Mom died, Sam's father showed her his love in his own way. Sure, the memories made her miss her parents both but remembering also made her happy because it showed her what she must do as a parent.
When Sam went to sleep after a long day, she looked forward to the days ahead with Hannah in her life. Little did she know that when she woke up to the phone ringing in the middle of the night that there was going to be a big bump in the road before she was going to get to that life.
Sam flicked the light as she checked to see it wastwo o'clock in the morning before she picked up the phone beside her bed.
"Hello," she said, trying not to yawn.
However, Sam was wide awake and sitting up when she heard her brother's frantic and angry voice on the other end.
"Mark…"
"Sam, what the hell did you do Dad?"
"What? What do you mean what did I do to Dad? Dad's dead, I didn't do anything! Wh…"
"Did the Air Force perform experiments on him?"
"NO! The Air Force wouldn't perform experiments on him!"
"BULLSHIT! They fucking attacked my HOME! Dad's afraid they'll come after us because of him!"
"What do you mean…who's after you?"
"The fucking Air Force and some guys from the NID?"
"The Air Force? How do you know about the NID?"
"Are you deaf? DAD told me!"
"Dad told you? But how…"
"Sam, I don't have time for bullshit right now! My wife and my kids are scared! AND GOD DAMMIT, SO AM I!"
"Alright! Where are you?"
"Is the Air Force actually going to protect my family? I'm having a little trouble believing that after they broke into my house! If it wasn't for Dad, we probably would be…"
He stopped in mid sentence. Sam didn't want to finish it either. She was so glad he finally stopped shouting, her ear was ringing!
"Of course, we'll protect you and your family!" she insisted. "Tell me where you are and I'll come get you."
"Do you remember the last road trip we went on the summer before Mom died? There was that hotel where Mom persuaded Dad to get us our own room to share so that they could be alone together?"
"Don't tell me!" Sam quickly said. "My phone could be tapped. But I know the place. I can be there with a team in less than four hours. Mark…are you guys alright?"
"We're fine. A little shaken up, but we're all fine. I'll see you soon…And Sam…you owe me an explanation about everything! I mean everything! The truth, no more top-secret bullshit!"
"I know Mark, I know," Sam sighed. "See you soon."
Sam hung the phone. Her mind was trying to comprehend what her brother just told her. Men from the Air Force and the NID tried to kidnap Dad? It didn't make any sense. Dad was dead. But the fear and anger in her brother's voice was real. And Mark was one of the most rational people Sam ever knew. She had to get to Mark and his family to protect them and to find out just what the hell her brother was talking about.
"Sam?"
"Hannah! You should be in bed," Sam smiled, seeing Hannah in the bedroom doorway. "I'm sorry if I woke you."
"Who was that on the phone?" Hannah seriously asked.
"You need not be worried…" Sam started to say as she went to her little sister.
"That was your brother, Mark. He was calling about Jacob, your father, wasn't he?"
Sam took a step back. That didn't sound like a four year old talking. Nor did it sound like Hannah.
'Oh God…please don't let Jack be right about Hannah being Harcesis,' Sam thought to herself.
"I've been waiting for that call since I arrived," Hannah continued. "I was getting a little worried that it might never happen."
"What? You've been waiting? For what? And why are you talking that way?"
"Samantha, you may want to call General O'Neill. Hell, might as well get Dr. Brightman and Dr. McKenzie up too. That way I only have to say this once. I really don't like repeating myself."
Sam was so stunned by Hannah's comments that she didn't chastise her for cursing. Sam still couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"Samantha, please…I don't have much time and neither does Jacob."
"Hannah…"
"My name's not Hannah…"
Hannah let out a long sigh. The little girl looked up at Sam.
"What do you mean, your name isn't Hannah?"
"Please don't be mad," the little girl pleaded her eyes full of an unfathomable sorrow. "I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't want you to get hurt."
"Hannah?"
Again, the girl sighed heavily.
"I'm not Hannah," the girl said then turned her face away from Sam. "I'm afraid there is no Hannah."
"What?" Sam said, trying to decide if she should be angry or sad.
Hannah or whomever she was, turned back to Sam. Those big blue eyes were filled with such pain and suffering.
"Samantha…I'm Selmak."