Disclaimer: Bleach really doesn't belong to me!
This is a fic about Tatsuki's view on everything that has happened so far in the series
WARNING: some minor spoilers, but nothing exactly major ...
Depths of the Shadows
For the last few months, it has felt like everyone is doing a dance around me. My world, where I can protect the weak and punish those who feel superior, is surely falling to pieces around me. The normal days feel like so long ago, but even I can admit that they were never normal.
I feel such sadness.
For the first time in my life, I'm alone. How can this be? Ever since the old days, I always had friends. I was always the one who protected them, forever the protector of our peace. But even those that I swore to protect have gone somewhere else. Somewhere else where I can reach, where I can't comprehend, where I can't understand what's happening.
Ichigo was the first to go. But that did not sadden me … Ichigo had always had his own world … ever since we were children. I felt superior to him because he was strange and a crybaby and he couldn't seem to bring me down in a fight. But that face that wore such a stupid, goofy grin changed. His eyes cold, his face tightly knitted together, his demeanor unwelcoming and his body feeling the numbness of pain. But those things soon defined who he was … but I was not sad. I didn't understand what he did, didn't comprehend what he knew for certain, and would not bring myself to his level to even attempt to cease his suffering. He knew it before everyone else did.
He knew pools of blood always lie in the shadows.
I moved on beyond him. He walked a different path from mine, but I later came to realize I could not escape him nor could I escape the world his eyes captured.
I forgot about him, I ignored him … and then I met Orihime. Sweet, carefree Orihime. I met her shortly before her brother died, in a hallway surrounded by upperclassmen boys who taunted and teased her and made her cry. At first I ignored her and her stupidly happy face, but when I saw her tears begin to flow, it felt like her soul was screaming in pain. Something in me broke and I came to her rescue, chastising her for allowing herself to get beat up. But she couldn't do that for herself. The day she came to school with her beautiful hair gone, I nearly shat a brick.
I felt like a change …
Like hell you felt like a change. You was so friggin proud of that long hair your brother so loved … you would never have done that. So I decided to be her friend. And when your brother died and you were left completely alone, I wanted to be your strength. The only thing I could do was protect you … the only thing I could do was to let you grow that stupid hair of yours. But now you don't need me. Even Orihime, whom I so loved, is living a double life.
I knew she was obsessed with Ichigo. I honestly didn't mind it so much … Ichigo and I weren't exactly friends, but we certainly weren't enemies either. Besides, maybe she could have lifted that damn scowl that's always on his face.
But things began to change. Slowly, weird things were happening. Ichigo, I knew, was at the center of it. Strange things always begin and end with Ichigo. But I never predicted we would all be drawn into that void. I never imagined that Orihime would harbor such grief-stricken eyes, that the ever-so-kind Chad would grow a cold shoulder, that I would be forced into this lonely corner.
After the incident with Ichigo, Rukia, and the hollow of Orihime's brother, I had enough. I never really forgot and neither did Orihime. But it was harder for her; she didn't want to forget like I did. And slowly, I came to realize that Orihime was going to leave me. I came to realize that things had changed. That day when it was raining, after I told her about the death of Ichigo's mother … I knew things were never going to be the same.
"Do you want to stay here?"
"…no. Somehow, I just feel like walking …"
Oh God. You were drifting away, so far away. I began to see things: ghosts and hollows … a world of nightmares. And when you left during summer, I thought you would never return. You did return of course, physically. But you were tortured with a wound I could never hope to mend. You gave me your fake smiles and a cold shoulder. I felt as if my soul was being ripped from my body … my heart had been in your hands for too long. I felt every pang of grief, every bit of sadness, the effects of every tortured thought.
I knew that I could no longer protect you or relate to you. You too, went somewhere I couldn't reach. But unlike with Ichigo, I felt pain. You can no longer tell me your woes, I cannot hope to defeat the enemies you face, and I could never bring your out of your ever-lasting nightmare. Suddenly, I was weak and you were strong: my false, secure world is shattering around me.
I want to see that smile again. That beautiful smile that was genuinely full of life. You're so full of darkness now. The beautiful light is slowly fading away … but I can't bring you back to this life.
But I can come to you.
There's so much darkness, I can't tell if it's for you or for me. I'm at a crossroads now and if I cross the threshold, there's no going back. You're strong than me and in reality; I know I'm extremely weak. There's more to life than physical ability and I now doubt I have even that.
But if I could be with you for one more moment, I think I would die happy. If I could get you to smile and take that sadness out of your eyes, I would. Maybe blood does always lie in the shadows, but I won't let it be your blood. This is all I can do. I'm already involved and I can't run away now. If that's true, then I'll soak up the darkness.
Orihime, you always look better with a happy smile on your face.
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