A/N – Sorry this took so long to get out here, but I didn't have a song to put it to. I spent three days looking on before I found this one. I was so excited I started writing it, and accidentally closed out of the page of where these lyrics were, and so even though I had already copy and pasted these lyrics, I have no idea who this song is by. I just know that it was someone I'd never heard of before.
I know I wrote chapter one in third person, but I didn't think I could truly capture Nick's emotions if I stayed true to that. So I have switched to first person; sorry about that.
Anyway, here goes.
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- Nick's Point Of View -
Life moves slower with out her.
All I know is that without Sara, my day trudges on and on.
I can't go through with this much longer. My life, doubly as hard and strenuous as before, is now seemingly impossible without her in it. It amazes me that I have gotten this far; it has been a year now.
A year since I walked the halls of CSI with her beside me. A year since I felt her eyes on me as I processed a scene, and a year since I could rest my eyes on her as she did the same. A full, whole year since I held her against me before leaving for war.
I've never felt such an emptiness; such a void in my life since we've been apart.
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It
takes an awful lot to get me down, but it only took one word from
her…goodbye.
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Goodbye – the power that word possesses never really struck me until I was forced to stare it straight in the eye. Goodbye is one of the rare words that can be used on multiple levels; of happiness, of sadness, of longing, of bitterness, of nervousness, of acceptance.
But when she said it…when Sara told me goodbye it literally broke my heart. I nearly couldn't get on the plane to go to boot camp for that one miniscule word. It struck me then just how multi-layered goodbye was; how though she and I had traded goodbyes after work on more occasions then I could count, that this time, there was something different. How this goodbye made me want to run back to her and let her tell me it was alright, she didn't want me to go either.
I could see that in her eyes – in everyone's eyes really. We all longed to wake up from this dream to find our worlds just how we left them, but something about her was different. There was a deeper level of need in her eyes, and I can't understand why.
I held her for a moment; possibly the most incredible moment of my lifetime to date. The feel of her body against mine, the way my hand fit perfectly behind her head, the knowledge that instinctively flew into me that our goodbye would not require many words, only the brief spell of closeness to fill the space that was usually taken by them.
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Takes an awful lot to make me cry; it only took one word from her…goodbye.
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I remember turning, walking towards the loading area trying to muster the self-control not to turn back around and see her crying face. But when I heard a muffled sob come from behind me, all the resolve I had mustered in the past seconds fell to pieces.
I turned around, waved once more and tried to smile through the tears I knew were falling. I saw them all once more, glancing over them and turning around before my senses flew from me and I ran back to them- well, to her.
I never told her I loved her.
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What's wrong with me?
Why
couldn't I see?
The lonely nights for her would be too long.
I'm here - she's gone.
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Finally getting back to the bunkers and taking a shower is something I adore lately. Some of the other guys refer to the bunkers as home, but I never do.
It isn't home without Sara.
I take my scrapbook, toss it onto my top bunk bed and climb up after it. This is my nightly routine – I re-read Sara's latest letter and then flip through the scrapbook.
I flop down on the bed and pull the scrapbook close to me. Smiling as I see the picture on the front cove, I open it and pull out Sara's latest letter.
Hey Nicky –
I sat down this afternoon and flipped on the TV and wondered where you were. Work, quite frankly, sucks lately and I wondered where you were and if you had a sucky day too.
Ever since you gave me hope of your return, I have been praying every night for it to be soon. It's funny; I've never really prayed for anything until now, nor have I ever really gone to church, and I feel like I'm a little kid asking Santa for a million things even though I know I've been really bad.
But I ask anyway, hoping he'll grant my wish- err, prayers that is.
Speaking of Santa, the holidays are right around the corner, and you know how those are in Vegas. On the outside, beautiful, yet at CSI, horrendous. And, while I hate to feed your ego, I have to admit, your "irresistible charm" is greatly missed on this side of town.
Warrick's charms just aren't the same.
Wait, I almost forgot - it would seem they work on someone – he and Cath are officially seeing each other. Lindsey's pleased, Grissom's pleased, and I don't care what they do with their personal lives, so everyone's happy.
Oh, Greg says hi. I was going to suffer a slow and painful death by decent coffee deprivation during work hours if I didn't tell you.
In short, we all miss you Nick. We love you and want you home safe, and every single person in this lab has all the respect in the word for you and what you are doing. I am amazed by you.
I miss you –
Sara
I amaze her?
It's funny she says that…she has no idea how she amazes me.
I fold the letter delicately before replacing it in the folder. I stare at the front cover of my scrap book for a moment, tracing the contours of her face on the picture. I wish I was living in this picture right now; it is of Sara and I at a Fourth of July party Catherine threw in her backyard. I had sneaked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist before she realized who I was. Lindsey snapped the picture itself; I had hired her to be part of my plan.
The shot shows both of us, happy together. I couldn't have picked a better picture to put on the cover.
It was exactly one month before I left for training camp. She didn't know yet in this picture, but I had signed up months ago.
When I told her – oh God…when I told her. I can't help but hate myself for the pain I put her through. She hated me, I know she did, for not telling her sooner, for not telling her I had even considered the idea of going off to war, for waiting until the last minute and then springing it on her.
For not letting her have an ounce of control. Sara hates not being in control and she was everything but in this situation. I know she was hurt, and my heart just keeps breaking every time I think of it.
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Takes
an awful lot to make me cry; it only took one word from her…goodbye.
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I dream of her. Sara is the only one I dream of. Sometimes I dream of home, of Texas, of Vegas, of the team, of my family, but mostly of Sara.
I love her.
Sometimes, I wonder if she dreams of me too. Okay, actually that is one of the only thoughts constantly on my mind. Does she love me?
I tell myself she does. I want to believe that she does so badly; I'm not sure I could make it another day on this Earth if I gave up hope that she would never love me.
Yet…
Somehow, though my heart tells me she does love me, my ever-logical brain isn't so sure. Between Grissom, her four-year obsession, Hank, her crappy-ass boyfriend, the way her job consumes her, and how much of her past I don't know, I can't help but wonder sometimes if it's a worthless cause.
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How can
one word cut you so deep?
And leave you with an ugly scar, cut you
like a knife?
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One single and solitary thought eats away at me every day that I am here.
She doesn't know I love her.
I can't help but awe at myself and my stupidity sometimes. For one, I should have told her before I left. I should have sat her down, told her what I felt, so that this would not be a question in my heart like it is now.
Two, I could die. I fully realize that I could never see her again, and yet, I don't tell her. I could call her and tell her, I could write to her and tell her, but no. I don't.
And I don't know why
I just…I think it's because I need to see her, face to face. I need to hold her close, whisper it at the perfect moment, watch her facial expressions, and let her see the truth and depth of my words.
If I write or call, I won't be able to experience any of those things.
So I just can't bring myself to do either.
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Takes an awful lot to bring me down, but it only took one word from her…goodbye.
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But not for long.
I am ready. Ready to find Sara, and tell her exactly what I feel. I pray she loves me back, but if she doesn't, I hope we can remain close friends.
I suppose I just realized life's too damn short not to chase what you love.
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Goodbye…
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I'm not scared anymore. What happens, happens.
Soon, I'll see her. She doesn't know yet, but soon she'll be within arms reach.
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Goodbye…
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