Sara sat, not unusually, at home on the couch watching TV. She was tired, depressed, angry, and in love, and she didn't know which emotion she should attempt to tackle first.
Being Sara, she tried to attack all of the above at once, and that was one of the thousands of reasons she was currently sitting in Nick Stokes house, watching Nick's TV, with her arms wrapped around Nick's pillow.
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It's
been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror
I guess that
I was blind
Now my reflection's getting clearer
Now that you're
gone things will never be the same again
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Sara was sick of lying to herself; in part, that was why she was so over flooded with emotion right now. She had finally let herself accept that Nick was gone and she was in love with him. She accepted that he had gone to war, she accepted he had signed up and not told her sooner or asked her or come to her about it, and she had also accepted that she had no right in the first place to be angry at him for that.
It was his decision, not hers. She was his friend, that was all, and consequently, she was not meant to be involved in every major decision that took place in his life.
Oh but how badly she wanted to be! How she wished she was the one he came to, the one he needed and wanted and thanked God for at night. How badly she wanted to be his everything…
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There's
not a minute that goes by every hour of every day
You're such a
part of me
But I just pulled away
Well, I'm not the same girl
you used to know
I wish I said the words I never showed
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Sara needed to pull herself together, this she also knew. She had finally resolved to tell Nick what she felt about him, and she couldn't afford to screw that one up. She had to get every emotion in order before he came home.
She had to become a new Sara.
She longed to be a confident, beautiful, independent, strong woman she knew Nick was attracted to. Sara smiled sadly to herself as she realized that she used to be that woman; sometime before her love life, if you could even call it that, began.
Ever since Nick had left, she had felt herself crumble a little more each day, and it hadn't helped in her quest to become the new Sara. He was such a vital part of her life, and she hadn't even noticed until he was gone. Too many nights had she cried after realizing how many times he had reached out to her and she hadn't noticed or cared. Now Sara was ready to make up for that, and all she needed was to tell him she loved him.
To tell him she had always loved him.
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I
know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it
now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a
little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me
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She had come to Nick's house quite a few times in the past month and a half. He had written her six weeks ago telling her that he had heard he might be coming home soon, and would write her if he found out he was. So a spark of hope had arisen within her, but in recent days the spark had lost its glow. He hadn't written at all, and she was worried sick and angry at him at the same time.
Whether or not she would admit it to herself, Sara came to Nick's house to be close to him. Just to sit on his couch and breathe in his scent was almost enough to keep her going through the day.
A few times, Sara had even fallen asleep and slept the entire night there. In his bed or on his couch, she always had a restful night when she did. Never a nightmare.
Ever.
And so she sat there, letting silent tears fall onto his pillow, and buried her face in despair.
What she wouldn't give to have him back.
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You
know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart
And I
wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true
But
I was scared and left it all behind
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Sara clicked off the TV. It was obnoxious and rude and interrupted her thoughts. She usually only kept it on when the silence of her thoughts became too much to handle and she needed to put it all away for awhile.
Usually she only watched TV when a sappy movie was on or something like that. Something like James Bond, or Pirates of the Caribbean, where all the guy wants to do is rescue the girl and be with her forever. Or a romantic comedy, like 50 First Dates. She wanted to be a character in one of those movies, to be loved so strongly and unconditionally that no one could deny it. To have a love so pure and true that no one on the outside looking in could understand.
But she would sigh and ask herself, would I even know it if an opportunity like that presented itself? Judging by her past relationships, Sara knew she had certainly never experienced love like that before, so was she even capable of understanding it?
Another thing she often pondered was whether or not she would have enough courage to take part in a relationship like that. Sara had put herself out there so many times for so many different guys and they had all disappointed her. Some greater than others, yes, but disappointment all the same.
Doubts so often flooded her confidence when it came to her relationships in general. So she would run. For Sara, running was her quick and easy way out of a relationship, and it had worked thus far. Leave it all behind he would tell herself; all the pain and disappointment aren't worth holding onto.
Run.
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I know
you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're
the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to
have you back now
Here with me
Here with me
And I'm
asking
And I'm wanting you to come back to me
Please?
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Sara wanted Nick home so badly. She knew for a fact she had never wanted anything so bad in her life.
Nick was her life.
"Why don't you get you're ass home so I can tell you this stuff Nick?" she asked aloud to no one in particular. A tear found its way to the pillow on her lap and somehow, she chuckled at herself.
How could she be so angry, happy, and in love with one man yet he knew none of it?
He knew not of the countless nights she spent with only tears and his letters to keep her company. He knew not of the times she called his cell phone or home phone, just to hear his voice on the answering machine. He didn't know the emotional turmoil she'd been through as she cleaned out his locker at CSI so someone else could use it until he returned. He didn't know she had recently taken up praying on a daily basis and trying to get to church once in awhile to pray desperately for his return. He had no idea she had basically put her life on hold as she awaited his return.
All of which, of course, she had done.
"Please Nick? Please come home?" she questioned him again.
She was answered with silence.
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I never
will forget that look upon your face
How you turned away and left
without a trace
But I understand that you did what you had to
do
And I thank you
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Sara closed her eyes and tried to picture Nick. Whether or not she was rewarded is debatable, for the image that arose was one permanently engrained in her memory. It was his face on the day he left for war. The day he left her behind.
He had held her close, and she had contemplated not letting him go. But she did, and he whispered goodbye to her as silent tears ran down her face. He had walked bravely up the platform, and she couldn't hold back a sob. She muffled it as best she could. Whether he heard her or not remained a mystery to Sara, but she knew for a fact that at that moment, he turned around with a smile and a little wave before disappearing behind a doorway.
Sara understood Nick's decision. Was she angry with it? Sure; she was angry as all hell that he had left her here all alone. But she understood why he had done it. It was what he had felt obligated to do; his father and grandfather had followed the orders their country had given them, and it was only right he do the same. She was even glad for him; glad that he had the courage that she knew she would never have.
But…
Sara didn't exactly know how to explain how it felt to stay behind as Nick went off to war. It was like this aching, searing pain in your heart, and it doesn't go away or fade, ever, until that person comes back. Until Nick came home, Sara knew she would have to endure this gaping hole he had left behind. While others tried to fill their hole temporarily, Sara didn't. Their holes were not nearly as big as hers…she loved him! She could never try to replace him, and she didn't want to.
She just wanted him.
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I
know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it
now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a
little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
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Sara stood up and went to the kitchen. She stood at the sink, poured herself a glass of water, and drank long and deep. She gulped the cold clear water and leant a shaky hand against the counter. She rinsed out the glass and left it in the sink; she would come back and put it away later.
She pulled a Kleenex out of the box and wiped at her tears and blew her nose. She tossed it away amid a plethora of other Kleenexes in the trash can and made a mental note to empty it before Nick returned.
Feeling a little better, Sara made her way over to the couch again and sat down. Pulling her knees up to her chest for a moment and resting her chin against them. She recapped everything she had been thinking about and going through in the past few weeks and smiled sadly to herself as she realized what a wreck she had become.
She understood everything, she had processed everything, and she had explained everything to herself. Now she just had to confront it and fix it and ready herself for Nick to come home, and everything would be alright.
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I know
you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're
the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to
have you back now
Here with me
Here with me
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Sara got up off the couch and picked up her coat. She put it over her arm and she made her way to the front off Nick's apartment. She bent over and slipped on the easy pair of comfortable Birkenstocks she had put on to come over here.
She was momentarily disoriented as she fished in her pockets for her keys. Where were they? She scanned the area around her quickly before spying them on the kitchen counter. She went over picked them up, and was about to leave when –
She realized she had also forgotten her cell phone. She went into the living room and picked it up off the coffee table with a smile.
She made her way back to the front and had her hand on the door handle when –
She jumped back and let out a screech.
Someone was trying to get in from the outside.
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Here with me…
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A/N-
OOOOO who could be on the other side? Cliffhanger! I know you were all expecting the highly anticipated Sara – Nick reunion in this chapter, but I couldn't give Nick two personal chapters and Sara only one, when she has more personal stuff anyway!
Sides, the song is perfect.
Oh, sorry, I've been slacking on my disclaimers. The Song in the chapter before this is Goodbye Girl by Hootie and The Blowfish. The song from this chapter is Here With Me, Michelle Branch.
I hope I can promise you the next chapter soon, but we'll see.
3!
The Notorious Cat