A Songfic by Tattva
Remus moves on, and tries to justify himself to the ghost of a lost friend. Post HBP. RLNT, hints at SBRL in the past. Kind of a sequel to 'Ticket To Ride'.
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this fic belong to me, they all belong to the evil JK Rowling. The lyrics belong to The Cooper Temple Clause, quite possibly one to the best and most brilliant bands ever to exist.
And so it has to change.The notebook's now in pieces,
Words we'll never sing.
I know you'll say I've simply jumped the gun,
And that they've won.
She's lying next to me, fast asleep; she looks so peaceful and happy. I guess in these dark times we have to be grateful for the little pleasures like this. But I've been awake for the past three hours, ever since she drifted off dreamily in my arms. It's not the fact that she's snoring, I'm used to that. It must be a family trait. It's all starting to weigh so heavily on my mind. I knew how she felt about me for so long, but I couldn't love her. The loss of you was too near, too tender, too fresh to let anything else into my mind. I'm amazed she persisted. Those first few months, I was unbearable to be around. I didn't want it to be like that, but I felt like my own sorrow infiltrated the hearts of everyone else in the room. They were polite, amiable, but distant, not knowing what to do or say. I was so selfish.
But you can't keep making the same mistakes.
She comforted me, or at least she tried to, I always tried to push her as far from me as possible. I didn't ask her to love me. There was a fire blazing in the living room of the Burrow; even though it was summer the night was cold. Or maybe I was. Your face drifted across my vision, in the shadows of the flames. She cried. Her dark eyes welled up, shimmering with tears. I never knew whether she was crying for me, about me, or about the loss of her cousin. Maybe it was all three. I hugged her and she melted into my embrace, gripping me tightly as tears rolled down her face and onto my robes. The pink in her hair was fading even then. I should have realized then that she never wanted to let go, and admitted that I didn't either. After a few minutes I broke the moment. I pushed her away, and ruffled her hair as she wiped her face with her sleeve. I sat back in my chair and stared back into the fire. She left the room.
You see I've had this thought,
It took its time in coming,
But now won't be denied.
I'd always gone about these things all wrong,
But not this song.
I did the same thing for nigh on a year. She began to avoid me. I began to miss her. But then I'd feel guilty whenever I saw her. She looked so bedraggled and dejected. I knew what I was doing to her. I hated myself for keeping her away, but I knew things could only get worse from here on in. It wasn't until she shouted at me in the hospital wing that I realized that I couldn't go on lying to her as well as myself. I had fallen in love with her. Her twinkling eyes, her quirks, her clumsiness, her loyalty and the depth of her emotions. Everything about her was beautiful to me. I tried to keep her away from me, to let her lead a proper and happy life, but she didn't want normality and security. She wanted me, and I wanted her.
Cos you can't keep making the same mistakes,
No you can't keep making the same mistakes.
And we've had some good times. Amongst all this loss and darkness, we have to have some good times. Even if it's only stargazing on a clear autumn night, her hands entwined in mine, her laughter ringing across the fields, just simple things. What are we if we don't have hope, and how can we hope if there's nothing to hope for? I realize now more than ever that I can't just be one man, alone. She grounds me, reminds me what I'm fighting for: the idea that one day we might live a life with some semblance of normality. I keep promising myself that. And the only way we can win this is to stay together, to stand united, to realize that I'm not only needed, but wanted too.
Can't jump ship just yet.
There's no one at the wheel.
Someone has to steer.
Get a hold of yourself.
Keep your head, there's no time to waste.
But the thing is, every day I'm more and more scared of losing her. After you died, I spent every night telling myself over and over again, like a mantra, that I would never again let anyone get close to me. Love nothing. It takes a lot of strength to realize that people love you, care about you, and will stick to that as long as they believe there's hope. I never thought there was hope. I took on the job of living with the rest of my kind to keep myself out of the way. I couldn't let the Order, or the war, lose anyone else in so futile a manner, but I did my best to be lost to everyone I knew. Everyone I was ever close to is lost to me now: Peter defected, and you, Lily, James and Dumbledore all fell in battle. I'm bad luck, and I'm dangerous, and if anything happened to her I would never forgive myself.
You'll see it soon enough,
But all is not forgotten
And now's no time for tears.
For though that boy has died this one still lives,
And now there's life,
And a chance to make up for all those mistakes.
We knew that if one of us died the other would move on, didn't we? I know you would have. Or maybe you wouldn't. Who knows, now, really? I'm still here, still alive, still fighting, and I need her just as you and I needed each other. More so maybe, because otherwise now I'm more alone than ever. We'll mourn and reflect when this is over, but if we stop now we'll be overtaken and overthrown.
But please don't get me wrong,
Cos everything was honest,
True and from the heart.
There's still the same old hang ups so don't fret,
It's not safe yet.
But don't you dare think I didn't love you. I still love you. I meant everything I ever told you. I hope you gave me that same respect. I know you did. That's why I'm telling you this now. I think about you everyday. It's involuntary: if I see a flash of black hair atop a slender, elegant frame I spin round, before I realize that it can't be you. Because you're gone. But you'll never be forgotten.
And who knows, there's always time to screw up again.
You never know, maybe she and I will be torn apart too. But that's the other thing: I realize now that we have to live for the present. Remember how we used to plan what we'd do with our lives when the war was over? The places we'd go, the things we'd do and see? I never do that now. I hope that someday this will be over, finished and all put right. I hope for the best, but I always expect the worst. It could all fall apart today, or tomorrow, or whenever. Maybe it won't. But maybe it will.
But maybe we'll be cool,
Cos you were made an offer
You could not refuse.
You made me come alive and see my face,
See my grace,
And we grow, or do we just haul it around?
But that's why we have to make the most of what we have. Right now, I have friends who care about me, and an amazing girl who loves me so much. And I love her. Just as I love you. She knows I love you. You opened my eyes to the idea that I could be loved. But you're not here now, Sirius, and Tonks is. She's lying next to me, fast asleep. And I love her.
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A/N: Hope you like it! Please read and review! I love this song so much, I just had to do something with it: if you like indie/rock then give it a listen, it's harsh and bitter and fragile and beautiful. Cheers! Tattva x