Harry recovers and confesses. He's forced to go to the ball, and then he makes a determined declaration.
A/N: I own nothing this is all J.K.R.'s, what a brilliant mind she has.
Chapter Twenty-One - 'Nothing is going to stand in my way!'
A comfortable warmth washed over Harry, replacing the bitter cold that chilled him to his very soul. He remembered nothing, but he remembered everything. It was as if he was two people, in two different places and in two different times. One part of himself was free from the world that ruled him. Free to be a normal teenager, free to let himself dream of all the possibilities that his future could hold. The other part of him, the realistic part of him, the man in him, was scared to death of the future that was covered by a veil of uncertainty. He was scared of what his world actually held. Death, darkness, and pain, unimaginable pain; pain the likes a teenager his age should never go through. He had seen and done terrible things and all he wanted, was for the world to swallow him whole, just to end the suffering.
Harry slowly opened his eyes, and a single tear fell down his cheek. He looked around him to find that he was sitting comfortably alone in the Headmasters office. Comfortably, some how, he didn't feel as if he should be comfortable at that moment. Hadn't he just been nearly killed by Tom Riddle? The question churned in his mind as his eyes slid over the Headmaster's desk and then around the room again. A fire burned low in the fireplace, and Fawkes was perched on his stand off to the side. Fawkes? Harry lifted himself out of the chair, and seemed to glide over to the phoenix. He ran his hand over the bird's soft feathers and felt a sudden contentment, as if everything was right in the world.
"It was you, wasn't it? You saved me," Harry's whispered words sounded hollow as he looked at the phoenix who stared back at him unblinkingly.
"No, my darling, you saved yourself," a soft voice came from behind Harry.
Harry spun around and then rushed to the emerald-eyed woman that stood only feet away. He threw himself into her arms. "Mum…" Harry cried into her shoulder. "Mum, I'm so sorry, I couldn't fight it…"
"Shh, my darling, it's alright, it'll all be alright," Lily gently hugged her son.
Harry suddenly looked up to his mother with frightened eyes. "Am I dead?"
"No, Harry, you are not. This is a dream. I entered it to give you comfort. You need it now more then ever," Lily said as tears came to her eyes, Harry's eyes, but her smile only deepened as she ran her hands over his hair. "My baby's all grown up, and what a handsome man you've turned out to be."
Harry pulled away from his mother. "I have done some terrible things. And I will do more terrible things before this is finished…"
"Yes, Harry, you will," Lily said with honesty. "It will be hard for you to find trust ever again, but I can at least help you rid the world of Tom Riddle."
Harry looked at his mother with uncertainty, "how?"
"Sirius gave you a letter. He mentioned in it a surprise."
"In his closet, I thought he was joking…"
"No. The item belonged to me. You will know what it does when you see it. But Harry, use it as a last resort, it will kill you," Lily's words held conviction.
Harry nodded his head and determination showed in his eyes. "I understand."
Lily embraced Harry again and he felt her love and welcomed it. "I must go now, please be safe my son. One day we will meet again," Lily started to fade from Harry's dream. "I love you…" and then she was gone and Harry was left alone with his thoughts.
Harry stared out the window of the Headmaster's office. Out into a sea of stars, that twinkled and would twinkle for all eternity. Harry's eyes hardened to stone as he made a decision. Whether he lost his life or not, he was going to kill Tom Riddle. He just hoped that it didn't damn his soul anymore then it already was.
Harry looked back towards Fawkes and shook his head. "Phoenix song, remarkable…"
Harry groggily opened his eyes from his deep sleep, as he heard a croak from somewhere beside him. "Trevor?" Harry asked stupidly with a very soft voice, as he focused on the toad and then on the person holding him.
"Hi-ya, Harry," Neville Longbottom smiled at him.
"Neville, what…?" again, his voice came out barely above a scratchy whisper.
"I know, you were probably hoping to see Hermione and Ron when you finally woke up. They sat with you for nearly five days straight, before Madam Pomfrey ordered them to get some sleep. If you can imagine, Hermione refused to even go to classes. The only reason she obeyed, was because I said I'd sit with you. Luna was here too, but she went to go get us some lunch from the Great Hall," Harry blinked in confusion at Neville's yammering and then tried to sit up but Neville pushed him back down gently. "Take it easy, Harry. You've been through a lot."
"What happened?" Harry's throat was very dry, and again, the words barely sounded as he relaxed back into bed. Neville poured him a glass of water from a pitcher, which sat on the stand, beside Harry's bed.
"Umm, don't really know. Professor Dumbledore wouldn't tell us. I was listening in. He wouldn't even tell Mr. Lupin when he came to see you. He just told all of us that you were hurt really bad, but wouldn't give any details. But, umm, he seemed really angry, Harry. I've never seen him so angry," Neville explained and his face paled a bit as he did. He lowered his voice and moved closer to Harry, worry showing in his eyes. "Whatever happened Harry, I think it was really bad. Hermione and Ron saw you being taken from the Great Hall after the attack. Madam Pomfrey had to give Hermione a calming draught after she saw you. She told us in Gryffindor that she'd never seen you in such bad shape. She said, that she was sure you were dead."
Harry shook his head in confusion. "Attack, when, I don't…" Harry's eyes suddenly shot to his covered left arm. There was a fresh bandage in the place of the make shift one. Harry immediately tried to get out of bed again, but the pain in his legs and back prevented his movements and he collapsed back into the bed, stifling a pained filled moan, as Neville pushed him back down again.
"Harry, really, please stop doing that."
"Neville, get Dumbledore for me," Harry panted, out of breath from the effort of moving, and the sharp pains that ran up his back.
"Of course Harry, but I'm getting Madam Pomfrey first," Neville said as he got up and walked quickly away.
Harry didn't protest in the least, he was still wondering if Dumbledore had seen the Dark Mark. Of Course he has, stupid, they changed the bandage! Harry suddenly started to panic, what if Dumbledore thought he was dark? What if he didn't give him a chance to explain? What would happed to him? Harry tried desperately to sit up again, but was rewarded with more pain. This time it made him cry out, and then Madam Pomfrey was at his side, and pushing him back down, yet again.
"There is no escaping from your actions this time, Mr. Potter. You are very lucky even to be alive. You will not be going anywhere for quite a while," she said in a clipped voice as she ran her wand over him and the tip changed colors three or four times.
"What happened to me?" Harry managed to gasp out before there was a vile of potion handed to him. Harry drank it without question, it was a Pain-Reducing Potion. He'd had them plenty of times.
"You mean besides the fact that you nearly died," the nurse said with abrupt and unusual sarcasm. She shook her head as Harry opened his mouth to give back a retort. "How do you feel?" she interrupted him.
"Like I've been run over by the Hogwarts Express," Harry spit out somewhat sarcastically, and then the reason why the medi-witch was being so uncharacteristically sour, dawned on Harry. She'd seen the Dark Mark, of course she had. Harry closed his eyes tiredly. "I'm sorry Madam Pomfrey, I- I just can't remember anything…"
Harry really wished that he could remember what happened, he knew it was really bad, or he wouldn't be in such pain still. Harry tried to recall what the last thing he remembered was. He was reading… It was a complete blank. He somewhat recalled an announcement and something about his mother, but that was as far as his memory extended, he didn't even remember what the announcement was.
"You may go to lunch Mr. Longbottom. Please tell Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger that Harry is awake, and I'll let them know when they can see him," Professor Dumbledore said as he came into the Hospital Wing. "You're going to have to remember something, Harry. I want an explanation. Everything you told Professor Snape and myself were lies, weren't they?" Dumbledore said coldly.
Neville had lingered in the doorway and he gave Harry a worried look before he left with Trevor in hand. Harry watched him go with a bit of detachment and then he saw that Madam Pomfrey had left as well, but with a scowl on her face.
Harry looked back to Dumbledore, the man was angry, he had a right to be. "Most of it, yes," Harry finally sighed.
"I found you in the Great Hall pinned to the wall by one of the house tables," Dumbledore sat down on Harry's bed and grabbed Harry's left arm. He waved his wand over it and the bandages unraveled themselves. "When we got you to the Hospital Wing we found this," the anger in the Headmaster's voice was biting, as the bandages finished unraveling.
Harry turned his head away from the scarred forearm and chard-black Dark Mark, which was revealed as the bandages fell away. A tear rolled down Harry's cheek. "I'm sorry, s-so sorry," Harry whispered as his memories of his crimes came flooding back to him. He'd killed and tortured for Voldemort, dragging himself further into darkness, and what for?
"Bellatrix Lestrange was found dead, feet from you. Care to explain to me what's really been going on?" More anger and fear showed through in Dumbledore's voice with each word.
Harry looked up into the blue eyes of his Headmaster, but then he looked away, he couldn't bear the disappointment. Harry started off in a voice barely above a whisper, his voice getting stronger as he relayed the events of the past months. It was time the truth came out. "I guess it all started this summer. I was dying at Private Drive. I was letting myself waste away when Voldemort started feeding me emotions, fear and anger, among most of them…
"Luminous started sending me Merlin's Diaries. They helped me fight Voldemort back. I tried to tell you, of Merlin's Diaries but the spell prevented me. So I decided just to learn everything I could, and then he started talking to me. Voldemort was growing stronger thanks to our link. He found a way for us to project ourselves to each other from our minds. I don't know, maybe he thought that I was becoming too happy. He gave me his curse and left me alone for a while, but not before telling me of my ancestors…
"Voldemort had been trying for a while to get me to join him, and then he just stuck around to bug me after I was sorted into Slytherin. It would have been so easy… He'd finally leave me alone… All I'd have to do was say yes…When I found out about Blaise being a spy, I thought, that it would be a wonderful opportunity to get information on Voldemort…" Harry's words trailed off into even more of a whisper before he continued with a stronger voice. "The evening that the Dark Magic from Slytherin's book was passed on to me, Voldemort was baiting me in my mind, trying to get me to join him again. Through my anger, I finally said yes...
"It seemed as if I was free of him. He'd lifted the curse and hadn't bothered me in almost two months, not until Halloween. On Halloween night, I took the mark. Voldemort of course, wanted more of me. He didn't trust me yet, not completely. So I proved my loyalty and handed over Professor Snape, but it wasn't enough, I knew it wasn't. I summoned Slytherin's Diary to me and presented it as gift to him, but I still felt uncertainty from him. I used one of the spells from Slytherins book to make Voldemort as he once was. It was too much Dark Magic, it consumed me, I couldn't fight it, and at that point, I didn't want to. That night I killed Peter Pettigrew…" Another tear rolled down Harry's cheek and Harry closed his eyes as he clenched his hands into fists with the memory. "I was so consumed by anger, I let the Dark Magic take over. I lifted my hand, and I shot the Killing Curse at him, without a wand. It made me feel alive and powerful…" Harry looked back to Dumbledore with his emotions laying plan on his face. He no longer hid the emotional pain he held. It was just too much to hide anymore.
The old man had masked his emotions and Harry couldn't guess what he was thinking. "And now?" asked Dumbledore quietly.
"And now," Harry repeated. "And now, I just feel sick and hollow…"
"What happened in the Great Hall?" Dumbledore asked in a stern voice.
Harry remembered, oh yes, now he did. Isn't it ironic, that when you really need a memory, it'll come back to you, but it always waits to the last second, so you never have time to think on it. "I defied him, somehow I fought back the darkness. I broke our link, It hasn't come back yet… The attack on the school was my fault. I betrayed him, and he came to kill me," Harry raise his hand to his head and touched the mark on his forehead. It felt different, faint even. "Voldemort did kill me, I was pinned and dying. I had nowhere to go when the Avada Kedavra hit me. I died, I know I did, I felt my life leave me, but then come back, and a power… phoenix song…" Harry shook his head as if to clear it. "The curse rebounded off me. Voldemort got out of the way and it hit Bellatrix."
"Why didn't you come to me Harry, before the Dark Magic took hold of you, why didn't you come to me for help?"
Tears filled Harry's eyes and traces of anger. "I wanted to, but I was angry. You gave me this prophecy and then left me alone with it, and then you wouldn't trust me with Merlin's Diaries. You believed I was learning Dark Magic even though I said I wasn't," Harry took in a calming deep breath, before he continued. "I was scared, of Voldemort, of Death, of what I was becoming. And above everything else, I was ashamed. I've done such terrible things under Voldemort's command… I helped kill twelve Muggles two weeks ago. I sat there and watched while each one of them was tortured to death just because they had children that were magical. I orphaned six children and for what? To find out that Voldemort is more powerful then anyone can possibly imagine. To be consumed so much in darkness that I betrayed everyone I've ever cared about…" A sharp stab of pain ran up Harry's spine and he closed his eyes and clenched his teeth against it. "What's wrong with me? Why am I in so much pain?" Harry gasped out.
Madam Pomfrey came out of her office at his words. "You suffered a massive head injury during the attack."
"Yeah I remember. I was thrown halfway across the Great Hall and into the wall behind the staff table," Harry groaned and Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore both gasped and winced.
"Though you lost a significant amount of blood I was able to heal your head, but it was the table that caused the most damage. You had several bones crushed as well as several organs. I'll be honest Mr. Potter, it was touch and go there for a while. I was able to heal most of the damage but I had to wait until you were awake to start healing the damage to your spinal cord."
"My… you will be able to heal it right?" Fear of never being able to walk again formed in Harry's mind and he almost started to panic again. But then he thought, he deserved no less for what he had done. Harry knew enough about Muggle medicine that damage to the spinal cord was bad.
"Rest assured Mr. Potter, It will take some time, but I will be able to heal you. Your body is already helping the process. It'll be at least a week until you are able to fully walk again, but you will walk again, I promise you that."
"Harry!" Hermione suddenly yelled and started for him, from the door where she and Ron had just come in.
Dumbledore stood and blocked Harry from their view. "Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley, Harry is not well enough for visitors just yet. I will let you know when you can see him."
"B-But, can't we just sit with him, we won't get in the way," Hermione asked in a timid voice.
"I'm afraid not. Mr. Potter is in quite a bit of pain at the moment and I don't…"
"Leave Hermione," Harry said through clenched teeth. "I-I'll see you guys later." Another tear rolled down Harry's cheek, not from the pain, but because his friends hadn't given up on him, even with how much of a prat he'd been.
"Alright, w-we'll see you later…" Hermione whispered as she and Ron left the Hospital Wing, but Harry wouldn't see them till much later.
Madam Pomfrey shoved another vile into his hand, but Harry looked up to Dumbledore before he drank it, knowing that it would put him to sleep. "Professor, what's going to happen to me? Am I going to be sent to A…" Harry couldn't even make himself say the word. He couldn't even mouth it. He deserved to go to Azkaban, but he was so scared.
Dumbledore looked down upon him with sadness in his eyes. "I don't know, Harry. I just don't know…" Dumbledore said before he left Harry to his thoughts and a night of restless sleep, which would only be followed by more.
Harry had gotten lucky, at least in his opinion. Dumbledore hadn't expelled him and he hadn't told the ministry about his taking the Dark Mark. However, Dumbledore had made a deal with Harry for this. He had several stipulations that Harry would eventually be able to live with, and several rules that Harry would force himself to live with. The first stipulation out of three, was Harry had to tell Dumbledore everything, no more secrets, no more lies. Harry had been able to do that, it was painful, but he did it with one exception. He still kept secret about what was in Sirius' letter.
The next stipulation was something Harry had said yes to in a heartbeat. After the holidays, as it had been decided that he wouldn't be returning to classes or any dormitory until then, he would rejoined Gryffindor House. And then there was three. Harry would be going back to Grimmauld Place with Remus and the Weasley's for Christmas, where he would not be left alone for the entire Holiday. Harry had cringed at that, it wasn't that he didn't want to be with the Weasley's, it was that he was afraid to be. Harry was sure that they would be told something, if not everything, and he didn't want to see their reactions to it.
As for the rules, they were simple. He had to follow a strict schedule. He had to be with at least one person at all times, someone to hold him accountable. And under no circumstances, was he allowed to use any form of Dark Magic. That rule had been his own. Harry was afraid that if he used any form of Dark Magic that he would go dark again. He was fairly certain that the Dark Magic from Slytherin's diary was gone, but Harry didn't want to take any chances of it resurfacing. Harry thought of it as an addiction, a very powerful and dangerous addiction. Harry almost laughed when Dumbledore hadn't understood his reference to Red Kryptonite, when he had tried to explain his incident with the Dark Magic.
It took Harry just over a week to be able to walk again but he was doing it with a cane, as Madam Pomfrey insisted. She still hadn't let him out of the ward even with his being able to walk, but that was just fine with Harry, so he gave no protests. He refused to see anyone other then Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey, although Hermione hadn't stopped trying to visit him, even though she was always turned away. Harry just wasn't ready for the world yet, and seeing his friends, scared him just about as much as the thought of going to Azkaban.
As far as the rest of the school was concerned, Harry was very unwell. There were loads of rumors flying around about him, thanks to the Prophet, which was ready to declare Harry Potter dead. Apparently, he would be revered as if he were a god if he did die. Harry for once had done nothing to stunt these rumors. He actually kind of liked them. For the first time since the quibbler article, Harry had cut out and saved a few of his more favorite articles, which brought his grave injuries into light, and over embellished the facts of his sudden and tragic demise. How Trelawney must love the newspapers at this moment. Harry's favorite so far was the article that declared him dead and the one that followed, which spoke about the reporter having been fired for writing false information. It had made him laugh.
So naturally, to the Prophet, and to the general populace of Hogwarts, Harry was so gravely injured that he may never make a full recovery. They all thought him to be on his deathbed. So one could imagine how much of a surprise it was, when Harry Potter showed up at the Yule Ball, dressed in the finest, and looking to be relatively healthy, if not a little self-conscious.
Harry of course had no choice in the matter. Madam Pomfrey had literally threatened him into submission, and then, she quite simply, threw him out. Her clipped but cheerful screech still echoed in Harry's mind. 'Out, get out, you are well enough. I won't hide you from the world any longer, get out!' He'd been forced to stay against his will, brought there, even against his protests, but he'd never been kicked out of the Hospital Wing before. It was rather quite amusing. But he'd lost his amusement when Remus showed up with Harry's dress robes, both pairs, and claiming that Dumbledore insisted he go to the ball. What was the old fool thinking?
Of course, Harry had grumbled, moaned, and eventually tried to plea his way out of going, just to be allowed to use the Gryffindor prefects' bathroom to wash up and change. Harry hadn't argued against that, and took extra long. And so, Harry Potter resided himself to his fate, but declared that if he was to be thrown back into the world, he would at least be thrown back in style. Remus just rolled his eyes at Harry's weak declaration and pushed him in the direction of the Great Hall.
So that's where he found himself. Harry's new cane, which Remus had been kind enough to buy to match his robes, black, it goes with everything; clicked lightly on the stone floor as he moved further into the Hall. The ball was considerably less formal then the Yule Ball held during the Triwizard Tournament, but Harry suppose that it was because they weren't competing against others schools. There was no real need to appear that formal now. In fact, Harry felt rather overdressed and he was tempted to turn around and leave when his name was shouted from a source, that he couldn't see, but recognized immediately. Not a half a minute later and Hermione was throwing herself into his arms and crying. Why did he always make girls cry?
Harry stood ridged and uncomfortable for a moment, before he hugged her back. She pulled away from him abruptly and looked him straight in the eyes for a moment. "You're back," she said reassuring herself, "I mean…"
Harry sighed. "I know what you mean."
"Harry," Ron said as he came forward with Ginny, Neville, and Luna Lovegood in tow.
"Ron, I… I'm…" Harry began.
"I know Harry, I mean we know, Dumbledore told us, everything," Ron stated.
Harry didn't know what to say to that. Did Ron mean the Prophecy as well. The utter look of forgiveness on the faces of his two closest friends was enough to confirm that. That bloody Prophecy! Harry shouted in his head. He looked away from Ron, only to meet Hermione's eyes, which he looked away from as well. "He told you," Harry finally managed to get out in an angry whisper. "I know I did some terrible things, but he had no right. Why does he keep doing this to me, does he want the entire world to know?" Harry said harshly before he turned to leave the Great Hall.
"Harry, wait," Hermione said, but Harry kept walking.
He had just made it to the door when Draco called to him. "Potter!" the way Malfoy said his name, Harry was sure he wanted his blood, or maybe even, his head on a pike.
Harry whirled around, his fine green robes did a spectacular Snape billow, and Draco wisely took a step back as Harry took a step towards him, fire flashing in his eyes. Finally, for the first time in his life, Harry didn't give a damn about the consequences as he grabbed a hold of the blond Slytherin's robes, and shoved him to the floor, none too gently. But when Harry spoke, it wasn't what the hall had expected, by far.
"Get out while you still can Draco," Harry hissed harshly and then he looked up to everyone in the hall, the Death Eaters most of all. He commanded power in his eyes, not Dark Magic, just pure power. And it made several in the crowd flinch. "Hide, run, do whatever you have to. I'm giving you this one warning. Get out of Lord Voldemort's service before it's too late. Because I'm going to kill him and nothing, not a pampered young Death Eater, or the most prominent or powerful of them, will stop me," Harry's words were like thunder and the Hall was abruptly silenced. Harry turned on his heal and left, leaving several very pale junior Death Eaters, and an entire hall, of very shocked students and staff members, behind.
Harry ran, he knew he shouldn't and his back and legs were certainly going to regret it, but he ran anyways. Harry wished that all of this was a dream, the entire school year up to date. The newspapers were already having a field day with speculations on his health. How they got any of the information they did was really beyond Harry. Now they were going to either publicly slaughter him or lift him so high, he wouldn't need a broom to fly. He couldn't believe he had just thrown himself publicly into the war against Voldemort.
When he finally collapsed from overexertion and increasing pain, Harry found himself outside of the astronomy tower. The fact that he had managed to get so far into the castle, without collapsing sooner, was remarkable, as Harry hadn't been out of the Hospital wing in over a week.
Harry put his head in his hands and sighed somewhat hopelessly. His running thoughts had ceased when he had. And now he was left with nothing but himself. A clean slate, no thoughts of anger, fear or hatred, there were no thoughts of anything. It was peaceful, silent. Like sitting in the kitchen of Privet Drive before the light of morning brought him back into the real world. Harry missed this feeling and vowed that one day he'd get it back, somehow.
"Harry."
Harry was interrupted from his peace and he looked up to see the youngest Weasley staring down at him. "Did I do what I think I just did?"
"If you mean declaring in front of most of the school, that you are going to kill Tom, yes," Ginny said simply and Harry shook his head.
"Thought so, just checking," Harry sighed somewhat miserably.
Ginny sat down beside him. "I don't think I've ever seen so many deathly pale Slytherin's before," Ginny said faintly. Trying, but failing, to bring amusement to her voice. "So, are going to?" she asked after a moment of silence.
Harry looked over at her questioningly. "What?"
"Kill… kill Voldemort."
Harry looked away from her for nearly a minute. He stared at the opposite wall with an unreadable expression, and then at last, he looked back and stared Ginny straight in the eyes. "Yes Ginny, I am, and nothing is going to stand in my way!"
A/N: This story is almost finished, just a few more chapters left. Hope you're liking it. :)