Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!
The Inspection Of CGL
Chapter Eight ll Stop Work: MY BIRTHDAY!
--
SQUID'S POV.
When Pendanski blows that stupid trumpet, it usually signals the beginning of our day. Y'know, like an alarm clock for the entire camp to hear.
It's got a weird effect on D-tent; Ziggy shoots up like a rocket and begins zooming around, getting 'dressed'. X-Ray, and there's no other word for it, is cool. You probably think I'm an idiot, saying that people can actually wake up coolly, but you haven't seen X-Ray get up. So calm. I mean, the world could be terrorised by jars of jam and X-Ray would still wake up with that cool elegance. So suave.
Magnet mutters and buries his face in his pillow, rolling on his side and usually falling onto the floor. Armpit and Caveman get up normally. Y'know, with the whole sleepy eyes, yawning, rubbing their face, messing up their hair even more...
Zero sits up and stays there for about a minute before tuning back to Planet Earth.
And me? I'd like to think I get up normally. It's the whole, orderly process of waking up, getting ready, eating breakfast and diggin' holes.
But now I've got one exciting thing to do before eating breakfast. I have to wake up the 'lil girl.
The first morning she was here, D-tent was in a pretty shifty mood because of her and her little snide remarks to Zig. I, of course, will always stick up for my dudes, but I could see her side of it, too.
Anyway, the next morning, I woke up to the sound of the trumpet. And D-tent woke up as per usual.
"Auggh, nooo," came Magnet's muffled curse, and then there was a thump as he rolled onto the floor.
Caveman chuckled quietly. He always does when Magnet falls off his cot. You'd think that he'd get sick of laughing, though.
When the guys headed over to the Mess Hall, I quickly walked towards the 'lil girl's tent.
Out of D-tent, I think the Caveman, Zero and I are the only ones who actually remember the 'lil girl's real name. Andromeda. Aaaandrromeddaa.
I don't think she really likes her name. Oh, that's cool. Now I'm gonna annoy her with it, but she looks like she hates " 'lil girl" more.
As I neared the bright, orange tent, I quickly decided on which song to annoy her with today. It usually means my death when I come along to wake her up. Most of the time, she comes flying out ready to beat me with a remote control or whatever other fancy gadgets she has in that tent of hers. Other times, she leaps out and sings with me.
You never know that girl. She suffers from IMS (Intense Mood Swings) and those sorts of people are very unpredictable.
"HEY SHORTY! Itsh your birthday, we're gonna party like itsh your birthday, we're gonna sip bicardi like itsh your birthday. And you know, we don't givva - "
The tent flap burst open and the 'lil girl flew out, wrapping her arms around my neck.
And by some miracle, she wasn't strangling me.
"It is! It is!" she squealed, jumping up and down happily.
"Wha?" I gasped, removing my toothpick so I wouldn't choke on it.
The 'lil girl released me, going, "It's my birthday! My birthday! I'm fourteen now! You can't call me a 'lil girl anymore! HA! Take that!"
"Fourteen?" I raised my eyebrows, taking this exciting matter very coolly. "I'm still bigger than you."
To tell you the truth, apart from Zero, I'm the youngest in D-tent. I didn't even think it was possible until I learnt the other guys' ages and birthdays.
She rolled her eyes, "How old are you?"
"I turned fifteen in June," I said slowly, sticking my toothpick back in and righting my cap. "So you're still a 'lil girl."
"Shut up," the 'lil girl moaned. Then her face lit up and she began going, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"
Me singing that song must've been one heck of a coincidence.
The Warden's niece came wandering out of the 'lil girl's tent, half-asleep and murmuring for us to be quiet as she needed her beauty sleep.
Andii (it gets a bit weird, thinking of her as the 'lil girl all the time) rolled her eyes while the Princess (Warden's niece) stalked back in, and then she grinned at me and began to chant, "I am fourteen, I am fourteen, I-AM-FOURTEEN!"
When she finally calmed down, she patted me on the back as if I had just been sentenced to a mental institute (where Zig belongs) and said she'd see me later at breakfast, IF I didn't drown in my cereal.
The 'lil girl thinks weird and acts like an eight-year-old.
I walked over to the Wreck Room, and sat in my usual spot after getting my breakfast. I glanced down at the bowl of cereal, feeling uneasy for no real reason. The milk looked evil and... EVIL.
Maybe the 'lil girl's magical and can tell the future.
That's it, I'm not eating this cereal.
I don't wanna drown.
"Hey, what's that on your back?" Magnet asked, peeling something stuck on my back.
Frowning, I grabbed it from him.
It was a pink post-it that read, "I'M A FREAK WHO SHOULD EAT BRUSSEL SPROUTS."
Ooooh. Only one person would write something like that.
I'm so gonna get that 'lil girl. I'll take her sandwich at lunchtime and swap it with the ugliest, sloppiest one I can find.
INSERT EVIL SMIRK.
Happy birthday, 'lil girl.
--
ANDII'S POV.
AHAHHAHAHA I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND BUT GUESS WHAT?
I'M FOURTEEN!
AHAHAHAHA.
I don't exactly want to be fourteen.
I think it sucks.
Hmph.
JUST KIDDING! I'VE WANTED TO BE FOURTEEN FOR SOOOO LONG, BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS WERE MAKING A FUSS SAYING HOW I WAS SO YOUNG AND EVERYTHING.
THIS WILL SHOW THEM WHO'S KING!
Or Queen.
I whizzed through getting dressed and ready for my special day, after being woken up by Squid and sticking a fabulous post-it on his back. (Hehe.) Ignoring Nadine's insane muttering on how fat she was and how CGL's food is the best diet (personally, I agreed with her there), I said a chirpy good morning and bye to her before hastening towards the Mess Hall for breakfast.
To my surprise, I found the Warden sitting in my spot at the D-tent table. The other boys looked up at me from their bowls of cereal, grinning and saying incoherent greetings. Squid, I realised, was not eating at all. He was having a staring competition with his bowl of cereal, and I wondered what the matter with him was.
I've heard of girls being anorexic, but guys?
"Hello, Andii!" the Warden greeted me extra happily. "And happy birthday to you!"
I blinked. How had she known?
Then I remembered she had my form with all my info on it.
"It's your birthday?" X-Ray asked me incredulously.
I was about to nod when the Warden interrupted me, "Of course it is, and we're all going to celebrate such a happy, happy event!"
Oopsie, looks like someone's been hanging around Mr. Pendanski too much.
"But you don't care about our bir - " Zigzag started.
The Warden woman glared at him. Such an evil glare, that it shut the Incredible Juke Box.
Although the Incredible Juke Box is Squid... but that's beside the box.
I mean, point. That's beside the point.
Oh, shut up.
"Andii, you'll have a very busy day today," the Warden gave me a huge smile. "Pendanski - go get her presents - " (presents?) " - I advise you, Andii dear, to finish asking Zigzag the questions right now, at this table. You don't want to ask him out in the desert, do you? Especially on your birthday."
I felt a bit dizzy, but nodded nonetheless.
"I'm not answerin' in front of you," Zigzag told her, his eyes bulging out slightly.
The Warden's mood seemed to change rapidly.
"Excuse me?" she said in a way I cannot describe, but which caused all seven boys of D-tent to flinch.
"Sorry," Zigzag mumbled.
Wow, that woman has power. But I have more power than her.
(NOTE: The Warden woman does not seem as friendly as she was before. Mood swings, perhaps? Having an off day?)
But no one can have an off day on my birthday! (BIG BEAM THERE.)
The Warden woman must've noticed the confused look on my face, because she gave me a curt nod, got out of my seat and walked away.
Quickly, I dashed off the finishing questions and Zigzag answered them promptly enough. When I had just finished, Mr. Pendanski came back with the Warden woman. They were both carrying lots of packages and letters.
"Andromeda Williams, special delivery," Mr. Pendanski said cheerfully, dumping all the stuff onto the breakfast table. The boys gawked at the pile of (presents?) as they removed their breakfasts to make room.
Feeling highly embarrassed, I was about to pick up a birthday card when the Warden woman shoved something into my hands.
It was a cell phone.
EEEK!
"I'm sure you'll find a nice surprise," she told me in a motherly voice. I noticed Nadine walking into the Wreck Room, looking rather ill-tempered.
"Whoa... a phone," I heard Magnet's awed voice.
"Don't even think about stealing it," came Armpit's lowered voice.
"Mmmm..."
I jumped as the phone suddenly vibrated and a piercing ring tone echoed around the Mess Hall.
Someone was calling.
And... I'm really confused.
I looked helplessly at the Warden. It was obviously her phone, and I wanted to know what I had to do with this odd gadget.
"Well, answer the phone!" she told me snappishly.
"Yeah, 'lil girl... Do you know how to do that?" Squid whispered.
"Oh, shut up," I snapped, and punched the CALL button defiantly.
Trembling, I lifted it to my ear.
"Hello?" I said nervously.
I jumped and lifted the phone fifteen centimetres away from my ear as I heard the response.
"ANDIIMANIA! OHMYGOODNESSIT'SYOUICAN'TBELIEVEITI'VEMISSEDYOUSOMUCH!"
Good holy sugar-honey-ice-and-tea. I don't want to be deaf, you know.
Wait... that voice... is familiar...
"Claude? CLAUDETTE?!" I shrieked into the phone, not caring that everyone was staring at me.
"YEAH! OH MY GOSH! ANDIIII! HOW ARE YOU? ANY CUTE GUYS? OOOH, YOU'RE SO LUCKY! Hey, did you hear that Mr. Willis is courting Miss Jep - OH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
"Thanks," I said feebly, my voice cracking. (Though I wondered how Claude could be so hyper so early in the morning. She was definitely not a morning person the last time I saw her.)
I listened for five minutes while Claude babbled on about all the hot news I had missed, and I remembered all the times when I would tell her to be quiet because she would never ever in her whole polka-dot bikini life shut up about all the juicy goss that happens in Palmoilin.
I welcomed it with my arms, now.
I had to say goodbye to her, though. And it was really hard on my part, hanging up on my best friend whom I won't see for a couple of weeks. She told me that everyone really missed me and absolutely couldn't wait for me to come back and how they wished me a happy birthday.
Then - BEEP.
We had hung up.
Breathing heavily, I slowly put down the phone and glanced at the delinquents who were looking at me, all of them looking astonishingly dimwitted.
"Who was that?" X-Ray asked me blankly.
"My best friend," I said, my voice a little hollow. I cannot believe it. I feel so sad.
On my birthday.
Sad on my birthday just does not mix.
"GIRL SCOUTS!" came a bellowed growly-owly oath, "GET DIGGIN'!"
I whipped around and saw Mr. Sir, and all around, the boys scattered away.
Eager to DIG.
I jumped again as the Warden's cell phone rang (again) and I quickly answered.
"Hello?
"Hello Andii, sweetie!"
"MUM!"
I spent five minutes talking to each of my family member, so that it took me fifteen minutes, altogether.
By the time the lovely phone call was over, all the boys had left to start digging their holes.
Mr. Pendanski had moved all my (presents?) to my tent, so I was free to spend the day in there, just opening them. Actually, the Warden said I could do whatever I want. Staying in my pleasantly cool tent, away from the stupid, evil, cursed-heavens-above sun was a very tempting choice that I definitely would've done on my first day here, but I actually decided to travel into the desert to find the boys who I've befriended - sort of.
Aren't I so nice?
I made a quick trip to my tent just to grab my digi cam (hehehe), and saw that Nadine's airbed and possessions had gone. Instead, they had been replaced with the mountain of birthday gifts.
For me. Aww, I feel so special.
I went over to the Warden's cabin and knocked, just to let her know that I had decided to go to wherever D-tent were digging. Actually, I was hoping she would know and tell me, as well.
Hey, I'm not getting lost in the middle of a pancake on my fourteenth birthday.
Nadine answered the door, eating a bowl of cookies 'n' cream ice cream. She flashed me a nice smile and said happy birthday, then called for her aunt. The Warden came out with a package of candy, a package of cookies, several frozen chocolate bars and a bowl of double chocolate ice cream which I ate in the water truck as Mr. Pendanski drove me to my destination. Apparently, all the junk food was a present. A very thoughtful present.
On the drive towards the DESTINATION, Mr. Pendanski chattered non-stop. For once, I was speechless. He talked about everything; barbecues, barbie dolls, Elle Woods, Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillippe, England... and the list goes on.
To tell you the truth, I was quite relieved when we reached the digging site. I bid farewell to Mr. Pendanski, then struggled out of the water truck with all the food in my arms. The chocolate bars were already melting.
"Hey, chicka!" Armpit called, waving at me.
"We thought you ditched us!" Zigzag exclaimed as they ran up to me.
"Whoa, decent food!" Caveman said, his eyes lighting up.
I grinned, "Yeah, help yourselves."
In an instant, most of the chocolate bars were yanked here and there and up and down and south and north and inwards and outwards.
Poor, old delinquents. Deprived of junk food for months.
Oooh, please insert a shudder.
The boys all thanked me with toothy grins, and I couldn't help grinning back.
CLICK.
Nor could I help taking a photo of them looking like eager, vivacious three-year-olds who's just gained access to Mummy's junk food pantry!
Soon, only Squid remained standing where I was, with the junk food on the ground. There was only one more chocolate bar left, and I felt my mouth water.
I just love chocolate. I cannot live without it. But I had some on the morning when I left for Camp Green Lake, and I'm sure Squid hasn't had any for ages.
Why am I being so nice?
"You take it," I said, my words tumbling out uselessly. Oh, how it killed me to say it.
Squid shook his head, "No... I don't wanna choke on it."
I quirked an eyebrow, "Are you paranoid as well?"
"No!" he exclaimed defiantly, "It's just that - that - well, I'm hungry!"
Heh, I could've done a somersault and danced the chicken dance, while singing "fruit salad, yummy, yummy" in my utter confusion.
"How is that relevant?" I asked, frowning, "When you're hungry, you EAT!"
"No!" Squid looked like he was straining himself, "I'd rather be hungry than die!"
"You're not going to die! Chocolate can't kill you."
"But - you said this morning - that I'd drown in my cereal. And so I didn't eat it - and if I don't drown in my cereal - it means I'll die some way or other because of Evil Food - and - "
I paused and Looked at him. I had only said that he'd drown in his cereal to mess up his mind. But Squid looked so scared and confused that I wondered if he's been offered a place at The National Institute of Dramatic Art.
"Squid," I said, with a small sigh, "Come here."
It probably looked like I was going to give him a hug, so many of the delinquents looked at us in interest. Squid slowly came closer.
Then I grabbed his cap and walloped him across the head.
"I sure hope that knocked some sanity into you because you are insane!" I yelled at him, quite enjoying this because I was taller than him at the moment. (Mainly because he's crouching on the ground, but so what?)
Groaning, Squid glared at me and snatched his cap back, rubbing the side of his head where I had hit him.
"Could you please not yell so loudly? " he exclaimed irritably at me. "And perhaps stop hitting me!"
"Could you try no!" I shot back.
He gave a loud sigh that plainly indicated that he was fed up with me.
Ha. Andii - one. Squid - NIL.
"You're a mean 'lil girl..." he mumbled, straightening up.
I was going to yell, "Eat brussel sprouts, Cadet!" when Squid whirled around, pulled off my visor (he stole my idea!) and began to bash my left shoulder with it.
"One, two, three, four, five..." he was saying, grinning as he continued on jeopardizing my shoulder.
It took me exactly three point four-five-six-two-eight seconds to realise what he was doing.
He was giving me my birthday bashes.
"...ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, FOURTEEN. Aaaand one for next year. One for good luck, one for bad luck," Squid paused for a moment, then hit me again, "One for boyfriends, one for girlfriends - "
"HEY!" I yelled angrily. "I am straight!"
"I meant friend-friends, 'lil girl. And don't interrupt me. One for good times, one for bad times, one for eating, one for drinking..."
"You're just making these up, aren't you?" I asked him pointedly, yanking my shoulder away from him.
"Maybe."
"If I get a bruise, I'm suing you."
"Oh, I'm so scared!"
"So you should be, Blockbuster," I said scathingly.
Squid grinned at me.
"Oi! I wanna give the chicka her birthday punches too!" I heard Magnet yelled.
"All in line, all in line!" X-Ray called as the delinquents rushed towards me so they could beat me up. "One at a time!"
Oh, wonderful.
--
I bit into my tuna sandwich as I leant back against Zero's dirt pile. My journal was in my lap and I was in the middle of writing a very long entry.
Long since was the time I was afraid I'd get my clothes dirty. Although I was sitting on Squid's tea towel.
Speaking of that Evil Punching Machine, he tried to swap my tuna sandwich around with Armpit's, which looked like a pile of cow dung. Of course, I outsmarted him, though that doesn't stop me from plotting revenge against him. I mean, who snatches innocent girl's lunches and make them look dismantled, all for no reason?
With the smallest traces of a smile on my face, I continued writing. I swallowed the last bit of my sandwich as Squid and Magnet appeared out of nowhere and plopped on either side of me.
"Hello, birthday girl," Squid greeted me, taking his apple out. "Enjoying your beautiful sandwich?"
Rolling my eyes, I rummaged through my bag and pulled out my pad of pink post-its.
I wrote in big bold letters "IDIOT" on the top post-it and stuck it on his forehead.
Grinning, I leant back against the dirt pile and took out a chocolate chip cookie from my lunch sack.
Magnet snickered as Squid removed the post-it, pretended to be throwing it away and stuck it back on my nose as quick as you please.
"Hey!" I peeled it off and poked it back down on his shoulder.
"Well, I'm not the idiot," Squid retorted, pulling it away (though it wasn't necessary as it had lost most of its stickiness.)
He threw it at me, but I quickly let out a breath and it blew back towards him.
Hehehe, this is fun!
We remained like that for a minute, with Magnet's commentary aiding us.
"And the chicka puffs it back - but Squid unleashes a deathly blow - it goes whirring at the chicka - AND SHE BLOWS WITH ALL HER MIGHT! LOOK AT THAT PIECE-OF-PINK-PAPER-THING GO!"
Just as I was about to score a goal (right into Squid's mouth!) X-Ray came over and told us to quit it.
I sulked and returned back to my lunch and journal, but then Squid ever-so-lightly hit me on the cheek and said, "Oh yeah, and this one's for good grades at school."
I lifted my closed journal, brought it down on his head (lightly) and said, "This one's for being an overrated prick."
After lunch, I got up and walked around while my "FRIENDS" dug their holes. I noticed they were behaving strangely. Some of them were crouched around this dirt pile, while the others dug. Sometime later, they'd switch over.
Right before Zigzag had finished his three-foot hole, I figured out what they were up to.
They had made me a three-layer dirt cake.
"One, two, three - " Caveman said, as if he was striking up a band.
The next thing I heard was a truly horribly-put together choir.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR - "
" 'Lil girl."
" 'Lil gal."
"Chiii-ckaaa."
"Andii."
"--HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"
"..."
Oh, sweet Nemo, that was terrible.
It's the thought that counts, Andii.
And who are you?
I'm your peaceful conscience that shows the good in you. That brings out the good in you. For example, you wouldn't have offered Squid the chocolate bar if it weren't me.
To Hades with you!
"Thanks!" I said loudly, determined to beat Miss Look-At-Me-I'm-Your-Peaceful-Conscience-That's-Like-100-percent-Cheerful-and-Sweet.
"You wanna have a slice?" Zigzag asked me mischievously.
"Yeah, sure!" I said, still going in my head "YOU ARE MEAN, YOU ARE HORRID, GO AWAY, EAT SOME PORRIDGE" to my conscience.
They Looked at me, leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong this time.
"Maybe you've taken a temporary blow to the head, but this cake is made outta dirt and some water. You really wanna eat some?" X-Ray asked me.
"Oh - of course not!"
Curse you, Miss Good-Conscience-Of-Mine.
"But thanks," I said, smiling at them all, "That was really nice of you guys."
Then I did something that made me repeat over and over again "I am not insane, I am not deranged, I'm just a girl, whose swallowed a flame" later that night.
I went around to each of the boys and gave them a hug.
--
"I really need to GO!" Squid moaned, bouncing up and down.
It was dinner, and it seemed like a half-decent dinner had been served just because it's my birthday. It was curry chicken with rice and I swallowed it down gratefully.
I lifted my fork to my mouth as I listened to Armpit and Zigzag argue over the different uses of cheese. (Ew.)
"You eat it, Zig. Melted cheese on toast, cheese sandwiches, macaroni cheese - "
" - you just don't get it, you can pick a lock with German cheese - "
" - you cannot do that - "
" - yes, you can!"
" - you eat cheese, you do not pick locks with it - you've seen The Italian Job too many times - "
Meanwhile, Squid was complaining to anyone who would listen and even to those who wouldn't about his uncontrollable bladder. X-Ray, however, seemed to have this rule that no one can leave the D-tent table until everyone else has finished eating.
It's only polite, he claims.
"Please X, please," Squid begged, "PLEASE!"
"You should've gone before you sat down," X-Ray said coldly.
"But I didn't have to go then!" Squid whined. I was reminded of... well, me.
"That's what they all say," X-Ray said, steadfastly refusing to let Squid relieve himself.
Squid moaned and thumped his head on the table.
X-Ray ignored him and had a bite of his dinner, with dignity, I might add.
"X, you're being rather harsh," Magnet said glibly.
"Shut up, I'm enjoying this..."
"You're a bad mother, X-Ray," I said, trying not to grin. "Good mothers let their tribal servants go to the bathroom in extreme circumstances..."
"I never said I was a mother!"
Oh yes you did. You said that as much as I eat popcorn with my mouth and sleep with the birdies.
Hmm... that made no sense.
Moving on.
Squid popped up again and did a sort of dance and chant that went, "I need to go, I need to go, I really, really need to go."
We were all staring at him.
"C'mon X-Ray, you're even making me feel sorry for him," I finally said, putting down my fork.
"Oh, alright, alright... So says the birthday girl," X-Ray mumbled. "Squid - "
Squid jumped up, ready to dash out, but stopped at X-Ray's glare.
"I henceforth allow you to leave the table in question - once now, and once only - " X-Ray paused and looked around expectantly.
Squid looked like he was going to explode.
The rest of us clapped politely.
" - so that you may go out and find a respectable hole to relieve your full bladder - "
Another pause.
More clapping.
Squid moaned.
" - We are reminded that this is the only time you will have the permission to do this - "
Clap, clap.
" - and you will not be allowed to do such an action again - "
"Goodness help me," Squid whimpered, his face strained.
" - and that is my final verdict - "
We clapped.
"...Okay. You may go."
Squid let out some sort of noise between a sob and a growl as he fled out of the Wreck Room.
AHAHAHAHA.
(NOTE: The camp should acquire toilets. Port-a-loos, even.)
--
I was drowsily sitting on my airbed, staring at the pile of gifts I hadn't even unwrapped yet.
This is the first time ever that on my birthday, I haven't opened my presents.
"I am not insane, I am not deranged, I'm just a girl, who's swallowed a flame," I whispered, convincing myself that I wasn't losing my mind.
Yawning, I stretched and sleepily decided to unwrap them in the morning. I also noted to find my orange pad of post-its, as my pink one had gone missing. Magnet or someone probably nicked it, attracted to the pretty colour.
Or maybe Zigzag thought it was trying to steal his eyesight so he burnt it.
I picked up Clover, then turned around slightly so I could fluff up my pillow.
There was a pink post-it on it.
It read:
Happy birthday, 'lil girl.
Smiling slightly, I flipped the post-it around and found one single word (okay, and a hyphen.)
- Squid.
--
A/N: Awww! Well, I hope that was enough Squid/Andiiness for those who wanted a bit of fluff! Lots of PDA when they were arguing, though. Don't worry, there won't be too much in the upcoming chapters. I want to focus more on the other boys, no matter how cute Squid is... Lol. Anyway, that chapter didn't turn out the way I really wanted it to. And the story has probably lost the charm and funniness it used to possess. I've noticed it's become sort of repetitive.
I'll try make it more interesting...
Thanks, everyone. xD - msq. (Your rather tired and worn out authoress who has to start on her history and geography assignments.)