Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!
The Inspection Of CGL
Chapter Nine ll Terrorising: ARMPIT
--
"It's Pit's turn."
Words spoken on the early morning of the 29th of July, by Mr. Rex "X-Ray" Verma, Tribal Leader of D-tribe.
"Okay," I said, scrawling "RANDOM NOTES ON ARMPIT" in my notebook. "Armpit, you're my next patient."
I flashed him a smile while the other boys hiccoughed into their sugarified cereal.
"Yeah right, more like victim," Zigzag scoffed, but grinned at me to show he was joking.
"You can't treat a victim though, you treat a patient," I whined, flipping my notebook back in my bag.
"But you don't treat us," X-Ray said in a would-be-stating-a-point voice. "You terrorise us."
They all guffawed at that. (I think guffawed means laugh, but I could be wrong.)
"Thanks a lot," I said flatly, trying to hide my smile as I grabbed the sugar jar. "You made my day."
"We only aim to impress, 'lil girl."
"Sure you do," I said sarcastically, stuffing my spoon into my mouth. Meanwhile, I was fiddling with these flower and heart shaped magnets I had received from Mr. Let's-Goggle-At-Andii back in my class at Palmoilin for my birthday. Okay, I admit it.
That guy is completely weird.
But still, it was nice of him to send me those magnets. A year ago, I'd have tossed them out the window and washed my hands in five different waters, but the magnets are... well, pretty.
Okay, so they're dismantled and are about the ugliest things I've seen in my life.
They look nice on my notebook, and they stick well on the metal part of it!
Yeah.
"What are these?" Squid chose that moment to ask rudely, grabbing the Horrible Magnets (actually, they don't deserve two names. Only one. Like Horrinets or Magribbles) from me.
"Leave it alone!" I retorted, taking them back.
"No, but they - "
"I said, leave it alone," I repeated vehemently, pushing him away.
"They're dismantled!" Squid told me.
"LEAVE IT ALONE!"
"It's not 'it'; there are two of them," Magnet stated.
"For Pete's sake, I know," I groaned, putting my hands to my head.
"Who's Pete?" Armpit wanted to know.
"Pete's my boyfriend," I said sarcastically, glaring at my cereal dish and cursing it to Azkaban and back.
The boys stopped eating; some choked, some slopped milk down their front and others knocked their bowls over.
And they all glared at me like I had just missed out on winning the Olympics.
"You, the 'lil girl, have a boyfriend?" Zigzag squealed.
"No, you knob heads!" I said, clearly exasperated. "I was joking, ie; I WAS NOT BEING SERIOUS."
There was silence.
"Your cereal's sliding off your spoon," Magnet told me sheepishly.
I glanced down. He was right.
"LOOK, A DISTRACTION!" I yelped, pointing up at the ceiling near the opposite wall.
To no one's surprise, they all went "Huh?" like dodobrains, and looked.
I shoved the spoon into my mouth and gobbled down the cereal before they could figure out where it went.
The boys frowned and looked back at me.
"What distraction?" Armpit asked me.
"What cereal?" I asked sweetly.
"The stuff that was sliding off your - " Magnet's eyes widened as he stared at my spoon. "Oh my..."
I smiled smugly.
"Where'd it go?" Magnet asked fearfully, still staring at my spoon.
"To the Netherlands! And back again!" I said in a feverish and snappish manner. "But you were busy staring at a distraction that you didn't notice! Ta!"
I got up and stalked out of the Wreck Room.
Haha.
I love being weird.
"That 'lil girl has issues," Zigzag commented. "More than I do."
"Now that's saying something."
--
"You are INSANE," so says Armpit after we argue over the fact that the world is so-very-obviously triangular.
"Call me that, Caliber, but people used to think that there was no such thing as global warming!" I said, nodding pompously and looking around as if I was expecting someone to cry, "Surely not!"
When I got no reply, I resumed back to my notebook. It had some stuff 'bout the PIT boy.
FULL NAME: Theodore Jackson
AGE: 16
BIRTHDATE: 17th May
TIME SPENT AT CAMP GREEN LAKE SO FAR: 8 months
It had taken me about ten minutes to coax Armpit's name out of him. He looked like he was about to shed a tear or two when I persistently asked him.
What is it with people and not revealing their real names?
I glanced up and to my shock, saw a cloud of dust in the distance, coming towards us.
For a moment, I was seized with a spasmodic fit that it was an oversized flamingo dive-bombing at me to gobble me up for arvo tea. Or something.
"Lunch!" Armpit yelled, getting out of his hole.
Oh, so it was the water truck.
I knew that.
"Thank the Almighty, was wonderin' when that thing was comin'," complained X-Ray, doing a frog leap out of his hole.
One by the one, the other delinquents hoisted themselves out of their half-dug holes in their own fashionable manner.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty," Squid snickered as he walked past with Magnet and Zigzag towards the pick-up truck, "You coming?"
"Sleeping Beauty?" I repeated incredulously.
"Yeah, chicka."
"Hey, just 'cause I sit around doing nothing whilst looking pretty and cool in the process doesn't mean you have to call me Sleeping Beauty," I retorted.
They just laughed.
"One day, 'lil girl, you shall learn..." I heard Zigzag distinctly say as they waddled (can people waddle?) off.
"Yeah, that you guys eat pillows for breakfast!" I yelled after them.
I tried getting up without using my hands to support me.
Need I say I failed miserably?
Hehehe... that cracked me up.
"HEEEELP!"
I froze as 'lil Zero ran into me, grabbing onto the back of my favourite top that clearly states (hem, hem) "MAKE CHOCOLATE NOT WAR."
The first time I wore it Claudette told me pointedly that war's better than chocolate because chocolate makes people fat while war causes famine which leads to skinniness.
She was only joking, but I scolded her terribly.
I told her that if she turned anorexic or bulimic I'd slap her silly.
"WHOA!" I steadied myself so I didn't fall over, and turned around to face Zero, "What's wrong?"
The poor boy looked positively terrified and he was trembling from head to toe. I glanced back around, but none of the other boys had noticed Zero's odd behaviour. X-Ray and Armpit were having this weird argument over at the water-truck line.
Something about how you move your hand when you go, "WASSUP, DAWG!"
Zero mouthed something, clutching so tightly onto his shovel that his knuckles were gleaming white.
"Huh?" I leant closer.
"SPIDER."
EEK!
I have the worst case of arachnophobia.
"What? WHERE? WHERE?" I shrieked, actually acting quite calm for someone at my standards of phobia-ness for spiders. I just didn't want to fully freak out, because Zero looked frightened enough.
"My hole," Zero whimpered, he peeked out from behind me and glanced at his hole. "Don't like spiders," he muttered.
"Okay..." I looked suspiciously at Zero's hole and edged away. "This is our plan: look cool, then slowly walk towards the water line. From there, we can scream and shriek and run back to the compound, then dive into our beds and hide under our blankets. Okay?"
Looking bewildered, Zero nodded uncertainly.
I grinned, terrified, at him, "That's a good boy. Be brave and courageous! No spider shall smite our dignity, and - AHHHHHHH!"
A huge (about the size of my hand!) black tarantula had crawled out onto the surface. It seemed to stare at me and Zero with its evil eyes of ... evil.
Zero yelped and grabbed onto the back of my shirt again. Suddenly, the whole ordeal of making chocolate instead of war became POINTLESSLY POINTLESS.
"RUN!" I yelled, my adrenaline rush becoming so actively hyper I felt like I could swallow an entire Krispy Kreme donut. "RUUUUN!"
Like idiots, Zero and I fled towards the water truck (Mr. Pendanski was filling Squid's canteen) and yelled like Indians.
"NISH ISH ENABLE EERS! JE CAU FERANT LA SCAR!" I shrieked.
Well, Zero at least was speaking English.
"SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER!" he kept chanting in a terrified manner.
Mr. Pendanski stared at us. Zero walked up and handed him his canteen.
Then he walked back to me and bit his lip, still murmuring, "Spider-spider-spider-spider, I hate spiders."
I don't believe I will ever meet a bunch of more insane people.
And they think I have issues.
Pfft, take a look at yourselves, brickwomen! (Yes, I know they're all boys.)
"Zero, are you alright?" Mr. Pendanski asked, his irritatingly happy voice punctuating my head.
"Spider," Zero murmured frantically, as if he was talking to the dirt pile a few feet away from him, "Spiders coming to get me..."
"ZERO!" Mr. Pendanski suddenly had an authoritative voice, "I believe that you can over ride that spider and show them who's the boss! You crush them and overcome your fear! I believe in you!"
Zero's look plainly told me that he was now more terrified of Pendanski than of the spider. With a scared gasp, he grabbed his newly-filled canteen and fled back to his hole.
"Go Zero, go Zero, g-g-go Zero," I cheered, feeling very suspenseful and excited. I mean, 'lil Zero, all grown up and about to face his deadly fear!
Once in a lifetime opportunity.
Zero was still trembling as he took a few steps towards the tarantula. Mr. Pendanski wasn't looking at my bottle which he was filling; he seemed just as intrigued as I was that Zero was facing that evil spider.
You know, this is the perfect time to insert that happy and suspenseful music that they play in baseball movies. Like when it's the last game and this specific game determines whether or not they win the trophy or certificate or jellybean.
Actually, this specific hit or throw determines whether or not they win the trophy-slash-certificate-slash-hot fudge.
So they play that music and everything is in slow motion while the team we all adore and sympathise with hits the ball... and it's sailing through the air...
...we're all on the edge of our seats...
Yeah. You know...
That music.
Back to the point. I felt like I was going to explode while Zero took a few more wobbly steps to the tarantula. I sucked in my breath as everything slowed down...
Slow motion is the key to suspense.
Ohmercifulgoodness.
He's really VERY close to that spider.
I watched as Zigzag's mouth curved into the perfect O and he lifted his hand to cover it.
Any moment now... Zero's going to screw up all of his determination and SLAM his foot on that spider... then it'd all be over... we'll all cheer and scream and clap like crazy... the boys will rush up to the forever-grinning Zero and pick him up and carry him on their shoulders... whilst singing "Zero is our king, he didn't let the Quaffle in, that's why D-tent sings, Zero is our king..."
Hehe. Sorry. Temporary Harry Potter moment.
Anyway! I gasped when Zero was only one centimetre away from the black, hairy THING. He was trembling from head to toe, but I knew he could do it.
Once in a lifetime opportunity.
Realising what this meant, I fled towards my bag to grab my digital camera.
With a strangled squeal, Zero brought his foot down. There was a horrible squelching sound.
Zero let out a shriek of disgust and sprang back.
The spider was half-crushed and twitched, but nevertheless, was quite dead.
Silence...
Then an uproar.
"OH MY GOSH, GO ZERO!" Caveman screamed.
"YOU'RE GROWIN' UP, 'LIL ZEE ZEE!" Squid and Zigzag yelled.
"AWW RIGHT ON, MAN!"
They all ran to Zero and did what I had predicted, minus the "Zero is our king" thing.
"I knew you could do it, Zero!" Mr. Pendanski yelled, hurrying to turn off the nozzle as my bottle was overflowing.
I grinned through little proud tears and brought the camera up.
CLICK.
--
Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal
30th of July.
Mood: ANNOYED!
Time: 6:21am
I'm currently sitting here, writing this up because, to tell you the truth, I feel really angry, and then I feel annoyed because I am angry, and that just makes matters worse.
It's Armpit's turn to be interviewed, and he's a very nice person, as a matter of fact. It's just his odor that needs working on, and I get the idea that he can be sort of violent when the situation arises. But he sure makes a good debater and he has at least one argument every single day! It's fascinating arguing with him. Sometimes I start arguments with him just to listen to his comebacks and reasons.
It's mega cool.
Anyway, back to my anger pains. Well, I just knew I wouldn't be able to stay unnaturally happy and bubbly the entire time I'm here. Everyone has their off days, right? When Squid woke me up this morning, I had to resist the extremely temptation of slapping him across the face with... well, I can't really remember at the moment.
I feel so tired, hot, annoyed and just plain angry. The boys here may be amusing, but I'm sorry to say that doesn't balance out the immense heat that pounds down on us. It's become a custom to sweat until you smell and look equivalent to a pig.
And don't even get me started on the food.
Now that I think about it, the whole ordeal is so unfair. Why did I have to come here?
"It'll be an excellent experience," they all say chirpily. Excellent my behind! If they were in my position at the moment, they'd all drink Coke then dance in Bulgaria with the mangoes! Faaaarrrr out. This is a detention centre, not Camp Wonderful and Brilliance.
I work hard for my good grades; I take a billion extra-curriculum activities and have represented my school countless times! So why, may I ask, am I stuck here?
In this UGLY PLACE. Meeting DELINQUENTS.
It is so not fair.
I probably sound like an ungrateful snob to you, but that's just who I am. I'm not a perfect angel and I certainly don't enjoy being around this place. I really want to leave, but I have to stay.
Stay and inspect Camp Green Lake.
Stay and interview the boys.
Stay and hope I don't die.
I need to ask Armpit about his past. He seemed terribly shifty when I told him I'd ask him about it later today at breakfast, and that just makes my mood worse.
Story of my life.
Andii.
--
A/N: Hi everyone! Okay, prepare for a bit of a VENT:
I've recently read some things about how new authors and fan girls have completely destroyed the Holes section, and that upset me. It's not our fault we discovered Holes late or whatever, and we have the right to post stories too, no matter how much they may suck. Just because we weren't the original group of brilliant Holes authors doesn't mean you have to sit there and go "Your story is bad because we've already written that and yeah, it's just bad in general."
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, PEOPLE.
I admit some "Girls Come to Camp Green Lake" stories are quite... well, bad, and some get repetitive, but keep in mind that by saying something like "You can't write that, because you're not an original author" you will really hurt the writer.
And anger them, too.
Now, since that's off my chest.
x) THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! GOOD JELLY! OVER 100! ((CHEERS)) That's like, so WICKED. Lol, your reviews crack me up. You say some of the sweetest things, so thanks. I got the Holes DVD and I'm kind of "not-in-a-sane-state" because of that. Hehe. I love the commentary. THAT rocks.
I'm trying to get Armpit's past and character right, so plz bear with me. This chapter was weird, I know, and I'm sorry about that. Lol, thanks for the note about "chicka" being spelt "chica". I just like spelling it with the 'K', for some odd reason. But thanks anyway! About the Armpit thing, I realise lots of people use him as comic relief, so I'm trying REALLY hard to develop his character. But it's not easy! (By the way, thanks to someone who inspired this chapter title. A dear reviewer. xD)
...And I have to go now, so I'll see you all later!
- msq. xoxo
(PS. What Andii is screaming out when she and Zero run up to the water truck isn't an actual language. I just made up random words. Lol.)