Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: Pippinfan25, Lucky38, Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker, PopcornLeader, Marshmallows, lost without a name, iCe-KiTtEn08 and CRIMSON CANDY:)

As for Mellabee and Ronniekinsgrl, I already "sort-of-ly" dedicated MAMO to you. :) So you know I love you. Hehe.

Thanking you all dearly!

The Inspection Of CGL

Chapter Thirteen ll The Sane Dude: CAVEMAN

--

Day 14

" 'Oh how I loveth you, my darling Danielle. I shall sweep you off your feet and - ' "

" - give birth to a goat," Armpit finished for me.

"No, Armpit. What it says is, 'I shall sweep you off your feet and take you back to my palace'."

"How can a prince give birth to a goat?" X-Ray snorted, tossing a stone up and catching it. "Men can't even get pregnant."

Why, X-Ray. You overwhelm me with your logic.

Of course, I was wise enough by now not to say that out loud.

"Haven't you ever seen Junior?" Zigzag asked, and I was reminded irresistibly of Hermione Granger when she's stating that fact that obviously no one has ever read Hogwarts: A History.

"That was a movie, anything could happen," Caveman said logically.

"Well, she's reading a romance novel," Squid pointed out, his voice slightly muffled as he tried to keep the toothpick in his mouth.

Yes, I read romance novels. Sue me. It was a really old-fashioned one, at that. One of my friends sent me a trilogy for my birthday.

"What happens after that?" Zig asked eagerly.

"Never you mind," I said snootily, snapping the book shut and throwing it across the Wreck Room on impulse.

"OW!"

Oops.

"Wow, you hit... some random from E," Caveman commented.

I yawned.

"DINNER! DINNER, DINNER, DINNER!"

"I think it's dinner," Armpit said.

"Nah, man!" X-Ray said sarcastically, whacking him over the head. But he was grinning affectionately.

"Smart dude, Pit," Squid added, grinding his knuckles into Armpit's head. Magnet, Caveman and Zigzag all laughed and shook their heads as they got up and walked towards the Mess Hall.

Zero, smiling widely, leapt up and jumped on Armpit's back, who yelled and tried to wrestle him off, but Zero stayed on. In the end (after a minute of laughing and wrestling) he had to give Zero a piggy-back ride.

I smiled subconsciously while I watched, left by myself on the couch.

These guys have such a close friendship. It's so cute. They all act so tough and cool on the outside (especially X-Ray), but they are such little softies on the inside.

I guess Mr. Pendanski was right.

Today was my first day of interviewing the CAVEMAN! I was really looking forward to it, 'cause Caveman's the type of boy I've always imagined in a wonderful, protective, cool older brother.

Look, there's a piece of fluff.

Beautiful.

Anyway, I found out some pretty EXPLOSIVE stuff. Well, not really.

Caveman's been here a little over a month (I already knew that), his birthday is the second of September (I have my notebook open in my lap), his real name is Stanley Yelnats (isn't it so cool? It's a palindrome!) and he's fifteen, almost sixteen (just like about everyone else in D-tent.)

So many things you can learn in a day. Oh, my ribs have stopped aching too. I've got a few bruises, but that's it. Being dropped into a hole twice hasn't done me any real damage.

Physical, anyway.

"Come on, Andii," Zero called from the D-tent table.

"Coming!" I called back. Lately, Zero's been a little more outspoken and open. It's really cute. The boys are taking it really well, though I did hear Magnet tell Squid that he was surprised.

Zero never talks.

Hahaha, well he does now!

And it'll be so cool if it was because of moi.

I walked over to the table and none of the other boys so much as blinked as I walked past.

I'm still the "Inspector Girl", the "CHICK" that got sent to D-tent, but none of them really care anymore.

I've been accepted.

ABOUT TIME, MISTRO!

I glanced down at the dinner (which we didn't need to collect today) and said nothing. Because, well, I'd grown used to CGL's food.

It was Mystery Meat on top of a substance that looked like Pasta.

"Go Pit, go. Go Pit, go."

"Go Zig, go. Go Zig, go."

I scrunched up my face in disgust when I saw Zigzag and Armpit involved in a competition.

'Who can finish their ridiculously abominable plates of food first?'

That is so...

I dug out my thesaurus.

...dreadfully, obscurely, atrociously, shamefully revolting!

And I was about to say so when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw a sheepish Nadine.

"Nadine!" I blinked and wondered why the sky was blue. "Hi! Erm - what are you doing here?"

Nadine looked slightly offended, then blinked her brilliant blue eyes and sighed. She had a bag slung over her shoulder.

"I thought... I'd say goodbye," she said shiftily. " 'Cause... I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" I repeated distantly.

Okay, I was a bit distracted. I was thinking of this really sad movie about a girl who falls in love for the first time, but realises she's dying.

Claude and I were crying like babies with no wowwipopth at the end of it.

"Yes. Leaving," Nadine said, looking at me oddly. "And it was nice meeting you, Andii. It really was."

"Oh..." I gave myself a mental shake to follow up on what she was saying, "Yeah. It was nice meeting you, too."

She gave me a half-smile, turned around, and walked out.

I bit my lip.

You're so rude, Andii.

Says who?

D-tent had the courtesy to keep quiet until Nadine had left.

"She's gone!" whooped X-Ray, looking extremely happy, "Gone!"

At that moment, Armpit flung his fork onto the table and yelled, "Eyeth orn!"

Zigzag, who seemed to understand Troll-talk, grimaced and also slammed his fork onto the table.

"Stupid aliens," he murmured.

"Well just blame it on your no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather," Caveman said with a light smile.

The delinquents all laughed, even Zigzag.

I suddenly understood what Armpit had been trying to say.

"I won."

He had finished eating first.

Good. Maybe he can have mine as well.

Zero was staring at his plate, pushing the food around with his fork. It took me a moment to see what picture he had formed. It was a face. A happy, smiling face.

Zero caught me staring and smiled.

I grinned back.

"Whoa - steady now - hey - whoa - whoa!"

CRASH

I burst out laughing when I saw what had happened. Squid, Magnet and Armpit were all sprawled on the floor, moaning and groaning about being winded internally (whatever that means.) Like the delinquents that they are, they'd made a game of leaning back on their chairs, clutching onto one another, seeing how far they could teeter back before their sense of balance disappeared completely and they fell. Together. Onto the floor. Simultaneously.

Believe me, it's worthy of a photo shot.

"My back!" cried Magnet as they pulled him up. "Man, I'm paralysed! What will momia say... ugh... someone call the chiropitcher..."

"First of all, you idiot," X-Ray chortled, picking up Magnet's chair for him. "It's called a chiropractor." (I was laughing too hard by now to add one of my own wisecracks.)

"Chiropitcher," snorted Squid while Magnet balled up his fists in the pretence of threatening X-Ray.

"You guys," I said between giggles, randomly stabbing my pasta. "Are so - "

"Winning?" suggested Squid with an adorable smile.

"Subtly intelligent?" asked X-Ray, staring at me through his glasses.

"Sensitive on the inside?" Zero said, gazing warily as Magnet continued to rub his back.

"Valiant enough to deliberately fall off a chair?" groaned Magnet.

"Loopy?" suggested Caveman in a weary, knowing tone.

"Omniscient?" Zigzag nodded vigorously.

Everyone turned to look at Armpit, stuffing his face in with seconds. He looked at us, his mouth half-open.

"Err - famished?"

I smiled widely as I looked at each one of them, shrugged and said peaceably, "Yeah. A little of all of the above, I guess."

"Man, so what does omniscient mean?"

—

SLAP.

"OW!" I shrieked, withdrawing my hand which was now raw red on the back. "Ow. That really hurt!"

"Don't play if you can't take the strain, 'lil gal," X-Ray said impatiently. He had been saying that all night whenever I screamed, cringed or just blinked because whoever had slapped me had slapped me... mercilessly.

I bit my tongue and glared at him, but he didn't notice.

So I turned my back to him slightly and watched, with satisfaction, when Zigzag slapped X-Ray's hand.

We're playing this slapping game. There are four moves, and if the person in lead does a move and you unfortunately do the same, they get to slap you on the back of your hand.

Confusing, weird, painful, but entertaining.

Unfortunately, I have this curse that makes me do whatever move the other person does most of the time, so now my hands are getting extremely sore. And when I do get the chance to hit the other boys, they just laugh and say I'm so weak.

They are so mean.

Zero's not playing. He's sitting on the floor near us, reading a sheet of paper with a small frown on his face.

I'd love him as a younger brother.

Armpit's not playing either; that's because he didn't reckon the pasta-and-mystery-meat we had for dinner was satisfactory for his stomach, and he's whining that he wants more.

"Dude... OHMYGOSH that dude's not eating his jelly... dude..."

" 'Lil girl, I think you should stop playing. It looks like you're gonna get a bruise soon," Squid said, eyeing my hand.

"I'm fine," I said through clenched teeth.

They had to kick me out.

Then I was stuck listening to Armpit's complaints about an Asian kid from A-tent who wasn't eating the small cup of jelly that was dessert.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I REALLY CARE?

"...what about all those hungry kids in Africa? Dude, he should really eat that... you're not supposed ta waste food... dude..."

"Why don't you just go and ask him for it, then?" I finally exclaimed irritably, crossing out the word "dude" for the fourth time. I was trying to write down notes in my notebook.

(NOTE: BOYS AT CAMP CAN BE EXTREMELY ANNOYING AND FUSSY.)

Armpit looked offended, "I don't wanna eat it. I'm just sayin' it's a waste an' all - "

I got up, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him over to the A-tent table.

"Excuse me," I said politely. "This guy here wants to know if you're going to eat that."

Armpit shot me a look that said, "I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO EAT IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" but I knew better.

Looks can be deceiving.

The Asian kid looked confused, then he said, " 'Scuse?"

"Maybe he doesn't speak English," Squid remarked. D-tent had abandoned the slapping game to follow me and Armpit. I think they felt it was their duty to look out for me. Well, I can take care of myself!

Armpit looked disappointed. Then he took my notebook ("Hey!"), took my Moshi Moro pencil ("Hey!") and began to scribble on a random blank page.

"I don't see the point in that. If that kid doesn't know how to speak English, I doubt he'll be able to read it," X-Ray said in that terrible cynical voice of his, "And somehow, I don't think Armpit knows how to write Chinese..."

"Oh! Are you Chinese?" I said brightly, blinking at the Asian boy (who looked confused, I might add), "Ni hao mah!"

He stared at me as if I was a creature from outer-space.

"Or maybe he's Jap - " X-Ray said in a thoughtful voice.

"Konnichiwa!" I tried again.

Still nothing but that Look.

"Korean?"

"An-nyoung-haseyo!"

" - or Viet - " Squid added mischievously.

"Chau!"

"What about Filo?" Magnet suggested, glancing at the others with a grin.

"Kumusta ka!"

"Nah. I think he's Italian," Zigzag said casually.

"Bonjourno - hey! You guys are just saying random countries," I exclaimed, ashamed that my smarter intelligence hadn't been able to pick up on that fact.

D-tent grinned at each other sheepishly.

Sigh, that Asian kid must think I'm a complete idiot.

EEEP.

I dared to glance at him, and (GASPSHOCKHORROR) he was smiling.

"Hi. I actually speak English, but it was cool seeing you say all that stuff in those Asian languages."

I groaned, and Squid exclaimed, "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

He shrugged, "It was funny."

Armpit had stopped scribbling, "What, so this is all useless?" He showed the picture he had been drawing; there was jelly coming from the Asian boy (WHO SPEAKS EN-GA-LISH!) towards Armpit, who was grinning with glee, and then the jelly was half-eaten, and then all eaten, and then Armpit was smiling again.

A very well-drawn comic strip.

"Dude, that is so..." Caveman trailed off, gaping at the comic.

"Uber cool," Zigzag finished.

They were goggling at the drawing.

"Oh, stop, you're makin' me blush," Armpit said.

The Asian kid had gotten up. He tossed the cup of jelly at Armpit, who caught it, then walked off saying, "See y'kids later."

"Wow... was that ever confusing," X-Ray said blankly. Then he turned around, grabbed Zigzag's left hand and slapped it.

"SHEESH!" Zigzag yelled.

"C'mon you little dears, time to go to bed," I said in a crackly, grandmotherly voice.

...Crud.

"Someone help me," Caveman said helplessly, trying to pick Zigzag up from the ground.

The rest of D-tent went forward to calm the seizuring pyromaniac.

--

Day 15

"Well, I was born a girl but when I was three I got a sex change and plastic surgery - wait, that didn't make sense. Okay, how's about I was born a boy, then had a sex change when I was three and got breast implants, and then changed back to a guy?" Caveman asked me.

I considered it for a moment, then said, "And while you were a girl you starred in Coppelia as Swanilda?"

"Agreed."

We both grinned.

Okay, children, please don't run away. Caveman and I are merely fooling around. I'm quite sure he wasn't born a girl or a boy then had sex changes and plastic surgery while being a graceful ballerina in a tutu.

I was being serious (for once) when I said, "So, tell me about your past," and then he told me he used to be a milkman at the age of four.

I laughed and told him to tell me the truth.

So he said he was forced by his evil stepmother to walk three miles in the snow to get to the post office.

Soon, I slipped into the joking mood and kept asking him about his past, each time receiving a thoroughly exciting and sometimes life-endangering story.

What an interesting life he has.

"ALRIGHTY GIRL SCOUTS GET IN LINE FOR YER RUDDY WATER AND YER BETTER BE QUICK OR I'LL WHOOP YER ARSES."

Even that failed to freak me out. Whenever Mr. Sir's in a moody mood (HAHAHA) he's prone to say odd things. And I suppose the prospect of a broken window is quite a moody thing.

Although if I were him, I'd enjoy a nice, non-existent breeze every now and then.

Caveman and I made our way to the water-truck, free-stylin'.

Okay, I have my suspicions about that word. At Palmoilin, it merely describes a technique of swimming.

At this bogus camp, it means beat-boxing and rapping.

'Tis kinda scary.

Zigzag was on the dirt when we reached the line, peering around. I hoped the aliens-that-exist-in-his-imagination hadn't landed on Planet Earth.

"Whatcha doing, man?" Armpit was asking.

"I lost my contacts," Zigzag moaned.

I had been about to take another step closer when I suddenly froze.

"NO ONE MOVE!" Zigzag yelled, wide-eyed and still looking for his contacts. Mr. Sir clicked his tongue impatiently.

"Zig, you don't have contacts," Magnet reminded him.

"Oooh..."

After we got our water, we returned back to their holes. Caveman dug at his holes while I sang at the top of my lungs, "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILWAY, ON THE RAILWAY. SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOOOOOOMETHING. LA LA LA LA LA, LA!"

All out of tune, of course. (INSERT BIG SMILE.)

"Okay man," I said at lunch, "Take my book and... GOGGLE AT THE QUESTION!"

"Okay," Caveman said, taking my notebook, "...My past, hey?"

"Yeah," I said in a hopeful voice.

"When I was three years old, I had to walk three miles - "

"Already tried that," I said with a chuckle, "C'mon, just speak 'ze truth."

"The truth can be deceiving..."

Well, that had me stumped.

"Can it?" I finally asked.

"...I guess not. Alright, my family's cursed, my dad's trying to invent a way to recycle shoes and my mum believes we aren't cursed. Oh, and my grandfather also likes to believe that he sleeps on my side of the bedroom."

"Caveman, you gotta tell me the truth. No more of your stories."

"That is the truth."

"...Oh."

At least I had the decency to blush.

"Why are you here, anyway?" I asked, looking at the "CRIME CONVICTED" part of the form.

"I'm completely innocent," Caveman said at once, holding his hands up for emphasis. "A pair of shoes fell from the sky and I took them to my dad, and then they turned out to be Clyde Livingston's shoes that he had donated to some homeless shelter. And nobody believed me; they all thought I stole them."

"Those lousy mongrels!" I said scathingly, "Stepping all over us!"

"Tell me about it. So I got sent here to improve my character."

"Improve your character," I snorted as I wrote it down neatly, "Twenty years later and I still don't know what that means."

"Uh, you're only fourteen."

"Hush, moonlit man."

--

In the afternoon, after digging. Oh, man, this is boring. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.

Wow, Caveman's story about his past and crime has got to be the shortest I've heard of. Well, if you don't include all the other "pasts" he had, then yeah.

La la la...

...La...

Oh, I am going to throttle Armpit and X-Ray.

They've been arguing for the past ten minutes whether or not the phrases "pink flowers stencilled on a mug" and "mug with pink flower stencilled on it" are the same thing.

"Oh, who in the bleeping world cares?" I finally cried out.

They stared at me, then pointed at Magnet.

I glared at that dog-boy.

"Hey!" he said in his defence, "I want to know what a good mother's day gift is!"

"Get a blender, I got my mother one," I said cynically, "And she was so happy she gave me a raise."

"A what?" spluttered Caveman.

" - in," I finished quickly, "A raisin."

"Some present," Zero remarked.

"Hey! Blenders are excellent presents."

"I was talking about the raisin."

"Oh," I said, thinking hard, "Raisins are pretty cool, too."

The boys snorted.

"At least she could've given you a macadamia nut," Zero ploughed on, unperturbed, "But a raisin?"

"Oh, leave the raisin alone. I personally think they are in the same league and that they should be treated equally. Foodstuffs have feelings, you know."

And that, of course, generated a new debate.

I will not tell you how it went because it was so stupid and pointless even I couldn't bear to ruin my reputation by stating its fact and figures.

The tiring argument finished when Caveman unnecessarily said, "I don't like nuts. When I was five a peanut told me it would make me eat omelettes every morning for the rest of my life if I ate it. I… hope it was a dream."

"What's wrong with that?" (Confidential) asked.

"Well, Pit, there's something you need to know about people and that is we do not like to eat everything. I don't like omelettes."

"How could you not like omelettes?" (Confidential) asked, completely in awe.

(The rest of the conversation has been removed because it is likely to render the reader's intelligence slightly lower.)

Well, what can I say?

We spent the rest of the day playing musical statues (Squid cheats, the little rascal!), and "Red Light, Green Light". And also, because I said so, "Marco Polo."

Boredom at Camp Green Lake has taken a new toll, but it's alright as long as we've got each other to entertain ourselves.

--

A/N: Lol, I really didn't like this chapter. But then again, I never seem to like my chapters anymore. I skipped over Stanley's interviewing a bit (okay, A LOT) because Holes touched on him so thoroughly that I didn't feel the need to write out his past and such. I think that's going to happen to Zero, as well. Especially as I have written an ENTIRE STORY on him. (Again--go check it out! Hehe.) Umm... I'm so bored. Oooh, I got some stuff from Emily Rodda's Teen Power Inc. (Fear In Fashion.) And... uhh... that's it, lol. Yes, being a Christian 'tis awesome. :) And the next chapter's going to be from Squid's POV, and it may be a bit distorted 'cause I dunno how boys think. Lol. See ya later, alligator! - msq.