Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: Lalaithiel Noleambar
The Inspection Of CGL
Chapter Fourteen ll The Oddenings Of Squid's Mind
--
SQUID'S POV.
Girls.
Can't live without 'em, but will never understand 'em.
Especially the species they breed at Camp Green Lake.
Starting with the Warden. Well, I suppose you would call her an "alright chick". Except she's evil. Once she shoved a pitchfork into Magnet and he had three spots of blood on his stomach.
That was pretty gross.
Yeah, she is pretty evil.
Don't like her.
And her niece?
I used to think she was an alright chick as well. Must run in the family. But she's a little weird. She only comes once a year for a week. She left yesterday. This is what she said to me.
"I... I really hope we can be more than friends."
That had me stumped for a moment. Then I realised what she was on about.
"Oh, but I dunno how to make those bracelet things," I replied.
"What bracelet things?" she asked, looking confused.
"Well, all best friends have to have those friendship bracelets."
"...Best friends?" she looked even more confused, then she sighed and looked at me dejectedly.
"Never mind, Squid. I'll see you next year if you're still here."
I was left wondering what I had said wrong. Maybe... she wanted to be even more than best friends.
But I already have a best best friend.
Bah.
Girls.
The last girl at CGL is the 'lil one. She's the sanest as well, which is...
Sad.
Yep. Completely sad.
No, actually. The 'lil girl is definitely NOT sane.
She attacked me!
Just 'cos I buried her stuffed cow. Accidentally. In fact, it wasn't even my fault.
Yeah.
I'll just keep telling myself that and I might believe it.
"MAN! I feel like a woman, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH!" Zig was jumping around the tent screaming this disgracefully disturbing song.
"Shut up, dude," Magnet mumbled into his pillow.
Yup. It's 4:30 and D-tent's waking as per usual.
"SOMEONE STOLE MY... Oh wait, here it is," Armpit found his weird army green hat underneath his cot and scrambled back, accidentally banging into Magnet's and causing the cheap-excuse-for-a-bed to collapse.
"Can't a man get some sleep 'round here?" Magnet groaned, finally getting up.
Zero's combing his little cute curly locks. He and I are the only ones who bother to brush our hair. We dunno where the hairbrush came from. Magnet found it one day in Mr. Sir's office.
"Gooooooood morning boys!"
Uh oh.
"Mornin' Mum," X-Ray, who of course was already dressed and ready (looking cool), greeted.
"Good on you, Rex. Ricky, stop singing and get your boots on already."
"Yeeeeeees sir," Zigzag said as if he was part of the army squad.
"Theodore - " ("My name is not Theodore!") "Stop jumping on Jose's cot and help the boy up."
"I ain't jumpin' on it. It fell over."
"Jose, you aren't even dressed yet."
"Mmmm..."
"Stanley, be a little more quick, now."
"Okay."
"Zero, your hair looks fine."
"Not... yet..."
"And Alan, stop looking at yourself in the mirror and wake Andii up."
"But - " I started to whine.
"No buts, Alan. I might've allowed more time for you to star-gaze - " (since when is admiring-ones-reflection star-gazing?) " - but you should've known your preparation time would be cut short when you volunteered to wake Andii up - "
"Volunteer? I was ordered by you, yes, ordered. I ain't in the charity-business! Except maybe in the Paraolympics, but that's it!"
And maybe the Ronald McDonald House.
Oh, and the Starlight Foundation.
But I didn't say all that because X-Ray would send me one of his LOOKS that would give me a heart attack.
And I'm too young to die. Too young and handsome.
"Alan," Pendanski said in a Tough-Guy way.
"Okay, okay," I mumbled.
I bid farewell to my reflection and stomped over to the BIG BLUE HOUSE...
...orange tent. Whatever.
"I hope you're happy! I wasn't allowed to fix up my hair 'cause of you!" I yelled into the entrance flap.
"That is so not song," I heard the 'lil girl reply.
"I - I hooope you're happy, I wasn't allowed to fix up my hair, 'CAUSE OF YOU!" I repeated, twisting the sentence so it would fit the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
I like that song.
The tent-flap flapped around a bit and she appeared there. Like magic. (Gasp.) Her brown hair was in a huge mess. Hahaha, it was funny.
Point and laugh.
Simply describes what I did.
Glare and mess up hair.
Simply describes what she did.
No, she didn't mess up her own hair. That would've been frightfully disgraceful.
She messed up mine, which is ten times worse.
"I SPENT ALL MORNING ON THIS!" I shouted.
"Oh please, you don't even have gel. What's the point of boys doing their hair if they don't have gel? You need the whole 'wet-look'."
This girl is deranged.
That, or she's a boy in disguise.
I folded my arms and glared at her, "No I don't. It's not even a 'wet-look'. It's the 'spiked-up-weird-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-look'."
"Arnold what's-his-face doesn't use hair gel," the 'lil girl said, completely nonplussed.
"Yeah he does. Wanna bet?" I challenged, hoping she didn't notice I was edging away from her slightly in case she flew into a fury.
IMS people these days.
HIC.
A peculiar expression crossed Andii face and her throat gave a little jump.
HIC.
"Are you okay?" I asked testily, wondering where the "HIC" noises were coming from.
"I'm - HIC - fine," she managed to gasp out.
She was biting her lip in her cute way while she stood at the entrance of her tent and I stood in front of her with my gorgeous hair all distorted and, yeah, we probably looked like fools to everyone else.
The 'lil girl is SHORT.
Heh.
HIC.
"Stop it!" I yelled.
"THEN GET ME SOME WATER!" she yelled back at me. Her hazel eyes were not blazing with the usual flames (best run away when you see that happening) but were dancing. Yeah, I know hazel eyes can't dance. Nor can blue eyes. Or any other coloured eyes. But seriously, it looked like Andii's eyes were waltzing. Or doing the foxtrot.
Elegant dances like those.
Oh, dear. Her insanity is starting to rub off on me.
Eyes cannot dance, man.
One look at those creepy hazel ones were sure to put the firmest believer of that in a relapse of second thoughts, and I better stop thinking about dancing eyes and create some witty and wonderful comeback to what Andii just said.
Which was to get her some water.
I am not a slave, thank you. Nor a servant, or a MAID!
Although my granny once told me I'd look darned sexy in an apron.
Do maids wear aprons, or was that just in the fifties?
No?
Something to think about.
I would ask X-Ray, but he'd send me one of those Premature-Heart-Attack-Glares.
I'm a little scared of him.
"...look at the little pixie, Squid! Isn't it cute?"
"Huh?"
HIC.
"Can I have some water?" the 'lil girl suddenly asked me, seeing that I was paying attention.
"Wha?" I said, a little dazed.
Andii blinked those HUGE hazel eyes at me, and suddenly I wondered what usually goes through her head.
Pretty normal stuff, I guess.
DOT. DOT. DOT.
"Squid, stop staring at me like that. I want some water!" she began to whine.
She's diseased.
I knew it.
Why else would she be suddenly seeing cute pixies and asking for water?
Spending too much time in Fairy Tale Land, that's why.
You can get malaria in the place. Diseased godmothers and rabie-infested pixies.
Shudder.
"Water?" I repeated, desperately buying time.
"Yeah. Water."
"Why?"
"Cause I have the - HIC - cups."
"Oh. See ya," I said absently.
I felt her LOOK as I turned my back to her and walked over to the Wreck Room.
All of D-tent (even Magnet) were eating their hearty, hearty, hearty meal of cereal. Armpit and Zigzag were having their hearty, hearty, hearty argument about toilet bowls. Zero was still combing his hair with the hearty, hearty, hearty brush that WE share and HE has been HOGGING ALL MORNING.
Oh my goodness, what if the 'lil girl is CONTAGIOUS?
My mind suddenly broke down to five things.
Fairy Tale Land. (AHHH!)
Diseased godmothers. (AHHH!)
Rabie-infested pixies. (AHHH!)
Malaria. (AHHH!)
Becoming friends with the talking, walking trees! (Okay, so I didn't mention that before. I didn't want to give you nightmares.)
Oh.
My.
Fluffy-duck-feathered-friend!
My fate is sealed.
The Grim Reaper may as well come and take me.
I may as well write my will and order a Premature-Heart-Attack-Glare in X-Ray's Suicidal-Attempts catalogue.
Oh, man, I can see my future...
Five years from now I'll be shut up in a hospital under intensive care where people shall bestow me with presents and Chocolate Frogs, and I will be able to dream about a world where pigs fly and strawberries bloom even in Winter.
But not Fairy Tale Land.
Speaking of which, my condition will probably be so bad that when I heard those accursed words I will convulse and die.
End of story.
I'm not paranoid.
I'm just infected.
And diseased.
I suddenly began to attack myself; brushing my arms vigorously with the hope I might scrub off any germs.
"Whyyyy meee?" I moaned.
"Are you alright?" came a gentle, nice, feminine voice.
I looked up to see a smiling fairy godmother, and I managed to smile back very faintly, hoping that maybe this was an angel to take me away.
But then I saw something that made me freak out. A big, fat, red boil on her chin. In fact, as I looked more frantically, her face was covered in boils.
ATTACK OF THE DISEASED FAIRY GODMOTHERS!
"What's the matter, dear?" she asked in a motherly voice. No, not motherly. She cackled. She's a witch in disguise with warts and boils and pimples and blackheads!
I was going to recommend Clearasil but I thought better of it and yelped. Closing my eyes, I began to sing the D-tent song in my head.
...Okay, so D-tent doesn't have a song.
I'll just do a rip-off of that potato song.
One a-shovel, two a-shovel, three a-shovel, four. Five a-shovel, six a-shovel, seven a-shovel, more! DTENTROCKSLIKECOMPLETELY.
...Is the evil-boil-covered-diseased-fairy-godmother-that's-a-witch-in-disguise gone yet?
"YO! Dude, wake UP!" came an ungentle, not-very-nice, masculine voice.
My eyes (though closed) lit up when I realised who that voice belonged to.
X-Ray!
My eyes fluttered open in joy and did not see a disgusting witch face. In fact, I saw X-Ray's large eyes in those huge, macho glasses of his'. And he was giving me a Premature-Heart-Attack-Glare.
Oh, that had to be worse.
"Squid, are you alright?" Magnet piped up.
No, no, NO! I am NOT alright! I am being chased by diseased people in my head and I even thought X-Ray was a fairy godmother - for crying out loud, I'm worse than Zigzag!
"Oh, yeah, I'm cool. I was just thinking up of cool ways to take Mum's cool hat and cool sunscreen. Be cool now," I babbled.
I am calm.
I am normal.
I am cool.
"You're such a meanie."
AHHH, SH- !
There was a chorus of, "Morning 'lil girls"s, which I did not take part in.
Dear heavens above, please don't make her sit next to me. Please, please, PLEASE!
The 'lil glared at me, then walked to the other side of the table and sat next to Magnet.
Thank you!
"Why am I meanie?" I asked, glad to note that my voice was back to its cool quality and the words "fairy" and "diseased" didn't make my heart pound madly.
Andii glared and stabbed her cereal moodily, "I asked for water and you just left."
"Oh, you terrible boy, Squid," Zigzag scolded, waving his spoon at me.
"Tsk tsk," Magnet joined in. Armpit was too busy scoffing down his golden, crusty cereal, but he too shook his head.
"You should be ashamed," X-Ray joked. Well, it's an improvement from those glares.
For the remainder of breakfast I neither looked left nor right. I kept my head down.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA -
" - eat my hiney!" Armpit yelled.
I'm scared. The others roared with laughter.
I am cool.
--
For the entire time we were out in the desert I avoided the 'lil girl, which was both easy and hard. Easy because she's still interviewing Caveman and he was digging the furthest part away from me (and that didn't happen by chance) and she stayed there. Hard because I think she wants to tell me something because I've seen her walk up to me a few times, but when I see this happening I jump into Zero's hole (which is next to mine) and start telling him how cool his orange suit looks on him.
Zero just smiled at me out of courtesy and said "Thanks" at first, but I think he got the wrong idea after my fifth compliment and quietly told me he "doesn't swing that way."
He thinks I'm gay.
The little dude thinks I'm gay.
I tried telling him I wasn't but he patted me on the back and said there was nothing to be ashamed of.
By lunch, I forgot that Andii was diseased, and when I remembered I decided that there was no such thing as Fairy Tale Land.
For the time being.
I mean, Caveman and the others have been hanging around her for three days straight and none of them look very spotty.
Come to think of it, I thought as I threw dirt over my shoulder, I carried her back to her tent and I haven't got any boils or warts.
But that might just be because I wash my face every day.
Either way, I stopped being paranoid and she finally got around to telling me the Warden wants us to cook dinner again. D'you know how hard it is to cook dinner? It's terrifying. Last time I ended up chopping up all the onions because the 'lil girl was crying.
"Again?" I exclaimed, "Again? I thought she said it was a one-off!"
"I know, the insane woman," Andii mumbled, "I dunno what's the matter with her, especially as Nadine's gone anyway - " She suddenly stopped and her eyes widened.
She turned away from me and my gorgeous self and I heard her mutter, "You better shut up before I eat you, Andii!"
"Um, 'lil girl?" I said politely.
"Yes, Squid?"
"Have you been to any... erm... fairy tale lands, recently?"
Okay, so what if I don't believe in them anymore? I can still be curious.
Andii looked taken aback, "Uhh, are you okay?"
Now I was the one taken aback.
"Huh? Of course I'm okay," I said, shocked at the very thought. "Me not okay? That's so not cool."
She stared at me with those dancing eyes and yet again, I wondered what was going through her head.
"You sure?" she continued, cocking her head to one side. Be cool, Squid, be cool, "You haven't been feeling a little, well, queer, have you?"
...Queer?
Oh, stuffed potatoes.
"You've been taking to Zero, haven't you?" I immediately exclaimed.
"Heard my name," came a small voice.
"Uhh," the 'lil girl frowned, "We were talking about how nice your hair looks, Zero."
Oh, nooooooo.
"Really?" Zero asked.
"Yep. Squid here brought the subject up," Andii smiled at me.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I'm doomed.
"Ah," Zero smiled at me, "Right. There's nothing to be ashamed of, Squid."
Someone kill me.
"So anyway Squid-boy," Andii continued, "See you in the kitchens later."
"Right," I muttered, turning away and looking at my shovel.
"You sure you're okay?" I heard the 'lil girl ask again.
"Yup," I said as cheerfully as I could.
"You don't need any sugar?"
"You have sugar?" I asked, my eyes lighting up.
"Yeah sure," Andii smiled a nice smile and she reached into the pockets of her jeans. "It's not in packages, though."
My hands that had been outstretched to receive some packaged sugar suddenly dropped when I saw her produce handfuls of stray sugar.
Fully sick, bro.
"Err... no thanks," I said, eyeing it distastefully.
"Okay," she disappointedly let it sprinkle onto the dirt.
Then she said brightly as she stuck her hands back into her pockets, "Want some cream?"
My eyes widened and my jaw dropped open.
Good goodies, this girl is diseased.
CLICK.
And someone should definitely get rid of that camera of hers.
Giggling, she showed me the photo.
AHHH! I LOOK SO UGLY!
"Delete it! Delete it now!" I commanded.
"No way! By the way, I was kidding about the cream thing."
Oh.
Oh.
Now she tells me.
"I knew that," I said instantly.
"As if. Well, either way, cream-boy, I'll see you laterz."
Yes, laterz.
Who the heck says laterz?
And "cream-boy"! I have a nickname, already, thank you very muchly!
Yupperz.
--
Knives are supposed to sharp, right?
Right?
I mean, that's their whole purpose. I know there are such things as "butter knives" that can't even cut butter, and "plastic knives" that Asians use to cut up moon cake when it's Moon Day or something silly like that. But other than those knives, the rest are supposed to be sharp, right?
Especially if they're called sharp knives.
So why in the name of cooking utensils is this sharp knife not sharp?
Can you explain it? Hmm?
WORK, YOU STUPID KNIFE!
You see what those cooking channels do? They manipulate and deceive us. On those shows the knives are sharp, while in reality, they're as blunt as a blunt axe, which ought to be pretty blunt.
I glanced over to the 'lil girl who was peeling the potatoes with a peeler. She seemed quite merry and oblivious to the fact that I was struggling with a blunt knife.
A blunt sharp knife.
What the heck.
"...work, I command you! NOW! Be sharp now, don't be blunt... Blunt knives don't get anywhere in life! ARGH!"
"Listen to you," Andii moaned, dropping the potato and peeler and rolling her eyes, "Just listen to you. You're talking to a knife."
"Talking to knives is cool," I shot back, "Why can't I use the peeler, huh? Why can't I peel the potatoes, while you - you gouge out the eyes of this potato with a blunt sharp knife!"
"FINE! Give me the knife and you use this good-ridden peeler!"
"FINE!"
"FINE!"
"FINE!"
So we swapped places. I stood by the sink peeling, while she stood at the counter gouging out those annoying little blister-like things that somehow grew on the potatoes.
What are they, mutant-potatoes?
I had little tiny dots of blood on my fingers because those eyes were prickly and they really hurt. My fingers were so sore from digging, and now they're sore from PEELING POTATOES!
WITH A BLUNT KNIFE!
And -
OHMYGOSH.
The peeler's blunt too.
"Can't this camp afford anything sharp?" I burst out, chucking the peeler down in my frustration.
"Wanna swap back?" Andii asked me, looking just as annoyed.
"Yeah. Blunt knives are better than blunt peelers," I muttered.
And we swapped again.
In another half hour's time, the potatoes were finally done and we dropped them in the boiling pot. I wanted to drop them in, but the 'lil girl stole my job. She stood right in front of me with the bowl of potatoes and dropped them in one by one.
"That's it, I wanna do it!" I yelled, unable to take it anymore, "Move!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Ah, too bad, 'lil girl!" I wrapped my arms around her waist, she screamed (ow, that really hurt) and tried to fight me off, but I lifted her up and placed her behind me.
Grinning like a madman, I grabbed the potatoes and began to plonk them into the pot.
Hehehe, what joy it gives me to shove them in! The "splish PLONK" noise it makes is very satisfying.
"You big meanie!" Andii yelled. She reached out and began to tickle me.
Oh, the emblem of suffering and shame.
I laughed until I started crying. Luckily I placed the potatoes on the counter so I didn't drop them when I collapsed onto the floor, laughing hysterically.
Like an evil woman, the 'lil girl took the potatoes and began to drop them into pot.
Grrr. Not so easily, mister! (Or misses.)
I grabbed her by the waist again and she began to giggle. I grinned as she shouted, "Stop it, Squid!"
"No way, you little fool."
I stood right in front of her while I chucked the rest of the potatoes in, and blocked her every time she tried to dodge underneath me.
"AHAHHA! I win!" I yelled proudly.
"I hate you!" she yelled back.
"No you don't!" I grinned sloppily at her and she looked away while rolling her eyes, but I still caught her smile.
While we were working on dessert, she planted a banana skin on the floor.
I did not notice this.
Yay.
I slipped and fell on my butt.
Yay.
"You ditz," the 'lil girl laughed evilly, stepping closer to me to "help me up".
Gah, when one does something to another person's disadvantage, they must help them again. Everyone knows that.
Andii took my hat and shoved it on her head, before offering her hand.
My butt hurts.
And I want my hat back.
IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?
Apparently.
So I grabbed her hand and pulled her down.
"OW!"
"We're even now!" I told her simply, not even knowing how we were uneven in the first place.
But everyone knows I'm taller than her.
Okay, just ignore that.
"You're terrible," she muttered.
"Uh uh uh, we're in the house of peace, remember?" I taunted with a grin.
She gave me one of those LOOKS while she grabbed hold of the cloth dangling off the edge of the counter.
"Hey - don't pull that - !" I yelled.
CRASH. SMASH. RUMBLE. VIVA LA RIVA.
She had pulled down the entire bowl of fruit salad.
Oooh look, a rainbow.
One of the usual kitchen cook helper dudes ran in.
"Yo, what happened?" he asked, looking alarmed.
"Nothing!" Andii sprang up brightly, "We accidentally opened the fridge and it - err - let out a burp. The gas was so powerful it blew us and the bowl onto the floor. No biggie!"
Sweet merciful pancakes.
I am speechless.
Someone kill me.
"Err, okay," he said, looking at me and pausing for a moment to stare at my obvious "HELP ME" look. He shot me a look of sympathy before moving over to the stove.
"GOOD GRAVY! What on earth are those HUGE MACHO things?" he yelped, jumping a mile.
I immediately turned to the 'lil girl, "You didn't add those watermelons when I told you not to, did you?"
Andii shot me another LOOK, "No. They're the potatoes."
"...Potatoes?" repeated the dude.
Yeah, potatoes!
Man, has he never heard of them before?
Then he suddenly burst into hysterics.
Even the 'lil girl found this odd.
We shared mutually 'err' glances.
"Hehehe... you two... funny... you're supposed to slice the potatoes before putting them to boil!"
Oh.
Yeah, you'd think that WAS VERY OBVIOUS, WOULDN'T YOU?
TRY PEELING THEM WITH BLUNT KNIVES AND PEELERS, YOU GIT.
The 'lil girl's mouth dropped open.
"Slice them?" she squealed.
"Yep. You better get them out and slice 'em before they get too mushy."
And he left.
He left me to deal with a crazy chick and mushy potatoes.
Surrounded by a rainbow of fruit salad.
And blunt knives and peelers.
What a day.
I glared at the 'lil girl.
"This is all your fault."
"Whatever, man."
--
A/N: AHHH! This took me forever to write, as my friend knows very well. :) Hehe. Well, it was a little hard to write Squid, but I think he turned out... um, okay. Lol. I think next chappie's going to be from his POV as well. So keep on your toes! Andii's easy to write because she's based on me and it's really easy writing about yourself... I could do it all day! Hehe. I had to peel potatoes with blunt peelers and knives! I was SO annoyed! Grrr. And "good gravy" belongs to Crimson Candy. :) Whoot. The part where Andii asks whether Squid wants sugar or cream with the whole "no-package" thing belongs to the Simpsons, and I disclaim it one hundred-percent. Okay, that's about it. I'm luvin' your reviews, by the way. They put a smile on my face. :) - msq.