Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!
The Inspection Of CGL
Chapter Seventeen ll Interviewing: SQUID
--
Day 19
"...stop, stop, stop... and bring back, Springstein, Madonna, way before Nirvana, there was U2 and Blondie, music still on MTV!"
"Mmmm..." I mumbled into my pillow, rolling on my side and falling off my airbed.
Ouchie.
I hate the morning.
It's not even morning. It may be 4:30 AM, but who in their right mind could classify this as morning? It's pitch black!
I know, I know. You're most likely thinking 'stars above, you've been here for over a fortnight and now you're complaining?' Well, I'm slow at these things. Deep down, I've been hating this waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night scheme. But it's not until later that I realise these things.
"...she's still preoccupied, with 19, 19, 1985!" Squid was singing loudly.
No, Squid's infatuation with singing is one thing that has not escaped my attention.
"SHH!" I hissed into my pillow, so you can imagine that no noise came out. Thus, he continued singing.
Oh, have mercy on the ears…
"She's seen all the classics, she knows every line!"
I managed to open my eyes. I know, shock of the century. Oh, please, stop the applause. (BIG BEAM) All right everyone, brace yourselves...
I'm going to sit up.
GASPSHOCKHORROR.
Okay, I'll stop being an idiot.
As Squid continued to screech, I got a wonderful idea. I was going to dress up like that girl in The Ring! And scare the living day - I mean, nightlights out of Squid. I shall jump out of my tent and scream... My screams are a weapon of mass destruction. Detrimental scream, PAH. You ain't seen nothing yet, Iron Man.
"19, 19, 1985!" Squid stopped singing and I silently thanked the heavens. " 'Lil girl? Are you awake yet? You didn't go and get drunk after I told you not to, did you? 'Cause you're too young to pass out. You'll grow up to be a single, alcoholic mother who won't pay the slightest bit of attention to HER SON!"
Whoa, why does he sound so… serious?
I remained as quiet as a mouse while I slipped into some sort of white gown. Squid continued yelling outside but I ignored him. I always ignore people when I don't wanna listen to them. I also block out their voices. All you have to do is smile and nod while daydreaming in chocolate land or whatever.
Mmm... chocolate.
"Kids need parents! A mother and a father!"
I smiled and nodded, though it wasn't necessary because he couldn't even see me.
"Single mothers aren't good for the world!"
I smiled. I nodded.
"The kid will grow up stealing things!"
Smile. Nod.
"Then he - or she - 'll get caught and sentenced to some juvenile correctional facility!"
Smile. Nod.
"- and he - or she - 'll have to dig holes for a very long time!"
Smile. Nod. Glance over at the tent flap. Smile. Nod.
" - and - oi, ARE YOU AWAKE YET?"
Smile. Shake head. Wipe red lipstick all over my face and smile as it looks like blood. Blehehehe, I look so scary now.
"That's it, I'm coming in!"
Smile. Nod.
No wait... there was something wrong with that.
The unzipping of the flap as I pondered on what seemed not quite right...
I frowned.
The tent flap was slowly lifting up...
I bit my lip.
I realised I had not properly dressed yet.
"HOLY COW!" I screamed, picking up an object at random and hurling it at Squid, "GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!"
"Oh man, I thought you weren't awake yet!" and he stumbled back out, mumbling a thousand-and-one apologies.
When I got dressed, I stepped out and GLARED at him.
Squid was staring at the ground shamefully.
"Ahem!" I said sternly, "Greeting earthling."
Squid's head shot up. His mouth was formed to say something snotty like, "What, so you are an alien?" when he froze and stared at me, like I was Godzilla or something.
"What?" I said irritably.
"What the..." Squid stared at me with wide eyes, "...heck happened to your face?"
HEY! I know I'm not Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston, but still! Girls are very sensitive about their looks. HMPH. I think I'll go and hit Squid now.
And I was about to when I remembered all the red gunk I had shoved over my face so I'd look equivalent to Samara in The Ring.
Oh, man.
"Oh, man," I groaned, walking back in my tent and leaving a very confused Squid outside.
--
"And then - "
"Shut up!" I hissed.
Squid pouted, "But I wanna tell them!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yeah eh!"
We weren't getting anywhere.
"You two fight like a married couple," X-Ray drawled.
"Of course," Squid said nonchalantly. "We are married."
I just looked at him.
Armpit yawned widely, "I'm tired."
Magnet yawned, "So am I."
"Oh, man," Zigzag said, watching as his tower of paper cups fell over. I wondered how he got the cups anyway. I wonder why breakfast tastes so bad. I wonder why the sky is blue.
"Because God wanted it that way," X-Ray replied.
I blinked. Had I said that out loud?
"Yup," Squid said, taking a bite of his cereal.
I blinked again.
"HAHAHAHAHA, gay," Caveman began laughing hysterically. He was reading one of the books I had given him. It was called How To Cope With Psychos.
D-tent crowded around him to read the word "gay". Before I knew it, I was surrounded by hysterical boys who were laughing their pants off about gay (ga-A-ai).
It's an adjective.
It describes happiness.
It's...
Oh, for the love of all things plastic, it's a WORD!
"Stop it!" I screamed at them, "Stop laughing! AHHH, give me that book!"
I snatched the book from Caveman and began to read it, 'cause I needed to know how to deal when surrounded by PSYCHOS.
First page...
...was covered in milk.
Great, I had just lost the first critical ten stops to coping with psycho people. Oh well, I shall just have to improvise. I took out my notebook while the boys laughed ("HA HA HA HA, GAY!") and began making up the first ten steps myself.
Six minutes later, I gave up and chewed on some gum while Mr. Wow-I-Haven't-Seen-Him-In-Awhile barked at us.
Oh my jelly, I know the perfect first step...!
"GIRLIE!"
...and now I can't remember.
I silently cursed Mr. Sir. Him and his loud voice. Him and his stupid cowboy hat. Him and his evil sideburns.
Just wait till I write the worst report on him ever. And the AG will read it.
We'll see who'll be barking then!
I beamed as I remembered all the power I had.
"What are you smilin' 'bout?" Mr. Sir jeered at me. Oh, so you jeer too, do you?
(NOTE: MR. DOG-PIG-BANSHEE JEERS. WHAT SORT OF CREATURE JEERS? GET BACK TO ME ON THAT ONE, PLEASE.)
"Err... nothing," I said with a little sigh.
Sometimes, you've just gotta admit defeat.
Besides, Mr. Sir isn't all that bad. Not really. In fact, apart from his hat and sideburns and the menagerie of animals he has in his voice box, he's a pretty okay man.
Maybe I won't write a terrible report on him. Just a truthful one. And the truth about Mr. Sir isn't so bad.
--
ZERO WAS ABANDONED BY HIS MUM!
IF I EVER GET A HOLD OF HER, I WILL CUT HER HAIR AND USE IT TO MANURE MY GARDEN!
Sniff... how could anyone leave Zero by himself at a park? He's so cute and little... waaahh...
I ended day nineteen on a sad note, pondering on Zero's past and the fact that he has no family.
--
Day 20
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!
I joined the boys at breakfast the next morning. They seemed to be deep in discussion about something but stopped talking completely when I sat down.
Because I'm so smart, I didn't say anything while I poured sugar on my cereal.
" 'Lil gal, we have overruled you," X-Ray said calmly.
Wha?
"Yeah," Armpit said business-like, "We've come to the conclusion that your offence has caused too much of an impact at this camp for it to be ignored without punishment."
I turned to Caveman, "Translation, please."
"We're going to force you into slave labor for no apparent reason."
"Oooh."
Well, that sounded bright.
"Yes, well," X-Ray glared at me, "From now, you will be carrying one of our shovels whilst walking towards our digging site. Whose shovel it is depends on who gets to you first. As for today, it's my turn because I said so."
There were groans throughout the table.
"This is so unconstitutional," I spoke through my cereal, "Do I get to have a say on this?"
"No," everyone replied.
I pulled a face, "Well, too bad. Why do I have to carry the shovel? I'm a girl!"
Someone snorted in disbelief.
"Oh, two words: grow up," I shot back nastily, "You guys are all strong! You can carry your own shovels. Isn't this what our country is about? The boys doing the work while the girl walks beside him looking pretty? I for one think that we should follow our country's custom; not for me, but for our nation. We must show we are proud and patriotic!"
Silence reigned.
"Whatever, I'll meet you at the library."
--
Wow, Squid's the last boy I interview.
I'm... confused.
But that might just be because he's digging and singing, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall."
I could hit him, but I won't.
Cause I'm the nicest - COUGH - girl in the whole - COUGH - wide - COUGH - world.
"Dude, what's your full name?"
"I love you too."
...Right.
"That's not what I said," I tried to tell the Squiddy-boy.
"I love you too."
I grew impatient, "WHAT'S YOUR FULL NAME?"
"I love you too."
"Squid," I said firmly.
He turned to face me cockily, "Yeah?"
I boxed him in the face.
...Haha, no, I'm joking. Even if I tried to punch him, I'm sure the most I'd do is cause his nose to go pink for a second. I'm not saying I'm weak, I'm just saying he has a really hard face.
"What's your last name?" I asked him.
"Smith."
"And first name?"
"Alan," he replied absently.
Success! I've now gotten his full name.
...Alan Smith. That's a nice name.
Mine's better though. (BIG BEAM.)
"Dude, when's your birthday?"
"June the twenty-first."
"People born in June are lame," I said conversationally while jotting this down, "My mum told me so." Okay, so that's a lie.
"And when is your mum's birthday?" Squid asked.
"June the sixteenth," I replied sweetly.
Squid burst out laughing.
I stopped asking questions and paused while watching him dig his three-foot hole. He had given me his hat to wear, in exchange for my own cap. He says it helps him keep in touch with his feminine side.
"X-Ray, can I borrow your glasses?" I shouted towards the leader of D-tent.
"Why?" he yelled back.
"GOOD QUESTION!" I stopped to think, "I LOST MINE!"
"You don't wear glasses!"
"I know, I recently got diagnosed with some sort of thing that makes me need to wear them!" I hollered across the dirt piles.
"...Nah, they're mine!"
"Please!"
"Nope, sorry!"
"Pretty please!"
"Nuh uh."
"PLEASE!"
"NO!"
I sulked.
Squid, who seemed to have a lot on his mind, stood up. He turned to X-Ray, "Dude, just give them to her."
X-Ray frowned at him. I know he heard perfectly well, but he still said, "What?"
Squid nudged towards me, "Give the glasses to her."
X-Ray glared at him in this really... suicidal way, "Why, man?" However scary he looked, I knew X-Ray was trying not to laugh.
I was trying not to die of confusion. Why is Squid asking for me? Rather, ordering X-Ray for me?
Maybe he's tired. Deprived of sleep.
The poor baby.
"Cause..." Squid glanced at me again, "She wants them."
"And what are you gonna do about it?"
D-tent had stopped digging to watch, awed.
I had stopped digging, because I never started in the first place.
Five minutes later, I was talking to Squid about fish. Fish. I hate fish, but he's in love with them.
Opposites attract, I heard Claude tell me.
I immediately looked behind me to see if my cheap-excuse-of-a-best-friend had travelled out into the middle of the desert (something miraculous as she's paranoid of desert wind - might mess up her hair) to come and visit me.
Speaking of which, she should come and visit me!
Who was there to swap their red crayon for the yucky black one in kindy?
Who was there to eat glue with them when their mum packed the wrong lunch and gave them a disgusting salami sandwich?
Who was there to yell, "LOOK, A DISTRACTION!" at their fifth-grade teacher so they could sneak out of the classroom and bolt for the toilet?
WHO, I ASK, WHO?
MEEEEEEEE!!
"...and lobsters too!" Squid said gleefully.
Oh, brother.
He's trying to cheer me up by talking about "seafood" because he hadn't managed to coax X-Ray to give his macho glasses to me. That new Peter's Entice ice cream would've worked a charm, but you try bringing ice cream out here.
I skipped off to the conveniently placed port-a-loo that the Warden woman had put there. For me.
Can't help but feel a little proud, right?
When I skipped back, D-tent had stopped digging and were sitting in a circle as if they were going to play Duck, Duck, Goose.
I pine for my Duck Duck Goose days.
I went to fetch my bag and brought out my nifty little digital camera.
"Everyone, POSE!" I screeched, leaping at the boys and taking several shots.
That surprised them. Some of them, like Zero, shrieked and ducked under their hands; others, like Armpit, gave a wide grin and made the peace sign with his two fingers.
I took about ten photos of them at random until they pounced on me and forced me into the photos as well.
"Stop the flashin', I'm gonna go blind!" I heard Zig holler as he tripped over his own feet and fell on Squid, causing an avalanche.
I giggled as I crashed onto the dirt. Then I coughed several times. Magnet helped me back up.
We banned the digi cam from ever returning to "Circle" (some weird D-tent ritual made by X-Ray) as it caused too much mayhem.
"Can I join in, too?" I whined.
"Sure," Squid pulled me over to him, into his lap. "Sit here."
I obliged, seeing if I could crush him into a pancake.
Obviously not.
"Circle" was terribly boring. The only good bit was when I made the suggestion of changing it to "Triangle" instead, and everyone voted on that. Other than that, it was all dull, dull, dull...
After "Circle/Triangle" was over, I had to re-tie my hair 'cause Squid messed it up. Then I couldn't re-tie my hair, as he insisted on doing it. And he sucked, real bad. I ended up looking like a peacock when he finished.
"Squid," I said, trying not to laugh. "You're terrible at tying my hair."
"Well, I'll plait it!" he insisted, "I'm great at that. I used to plait my cousin's hair before they went off to school."
"Was your cousin a boy or a girl?
"...Do I have to answer that?"
I don't know what I said in response to that, but he ended up plaiting my hair and doing a decent job. It was crooked and a lot of my hair was out of place, but it was okay. For a delinquent.
Wow, I haven't used that word in a long time. It feels good.
(NOTE: Check the last time I made a really snobbish/sarcastic remark.)
You know, I think I'm getting better at being... NORMAL.
Squid had almost finished digging when I remembered to ask him the rest of what I had to ask him.
"What's your age?"
"I'm fifteen, OLDER THAN YOU! Bwahahahahahaha."
"...And how long have you been here?"
"Seven months and a quarter."
Let's not get technical!
While we walked back to the compound, Squid kept his arm around me and sang loudly, "I'VE GOT A LOVER-LY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DIDDLY-DEE, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN A ROW!"
It was extremely disturbingly funny.
He somehow managed to coax me to walk to the D-tent ca... oh my jelly.
It's not D-tent anymore.
It's D-cabin!
Oh, man, it's like topsy-turvy day! Where the sky's down and the floor's up and everything's upside down!
Yes, I'm quite fond of Sesame Street and Playschool.
D-cabin sounds awful. Oh well, 'twill have to be D-tent-cabin.
Hehe, how funny.
So anyway, on our way to D-tent-cabin, I knocked on the A-tent-cabin, B-tent-cabin and C-did-you-know-this-is-getting-tiring?
Knock and run is heaps of fun!
Sorry for the bad rhyme.
"How's the cabin?" I asked before I left, standing outside of D-tent-cabin with Squid.
He smiled reminiscently. "It's good. More space. More insulation. Keeps the cool air in. How's the tent?" he asked back, raising his eyebrows.
"Just wonderful," I said haughtily and he laughed, nudging me on the cheek with his finger in what I guess was meant to be an affectionate gesture.
"I'm just teasing, 'lil girl. Sometimes you get way too defensive," he grinned. "It's cute." My mouth twitched in spite of myself as I clutched my cheek and tried to nudge him back, but he ducked and grabbed my hand. "Oooh, too slow," he laughed.
"Hey!" I protested, trying to pull away. "That's not fair."
"Why not?" he asked, still holding my wrist. "You started it." When he finally let go of me, he leant close and said, "Hey, will you promise me something?"
"Hmm. It depends," I said, hiding a grin.
Squid made a face before requesting, "Promise that you'll carry my shovel tomorrow. Alright?"
Ugh, that silly slave-labour deal again.
"Only if you get to me first," I said sing-songingly. I looked up at him, all solemn, "That was part of X-Ray's pact, remember?"
"Fine," Squid said, rising to the challenge. "I'll be waiting for you at the library. I'll be the first one there."
Something about the way he said it made me feel all fuzzy on the inside, but I just turned away with a little smile. "We'll see..."
Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back so that I almost ran into him. I gasped, his arms encircling around me before I really did collide into his body. I stared up at him, entranced and a little dumbfounded, and he looked back before bending down and kissing me on the forehead. The warmth from his lips trickled down to settle in my heart, which was beating a hundred times faster than usual.
Squid released me and grinned into my wide-eyed countenance.
"Now will you carry it tomorrow?" he asked, his brown eyes close to mine.
I have a feeling I nodded. In a buffoon-worthy manner. And that his grin widened before he turned away and went into his cabin.
Leaving the sand to remain yellow and dry.
Leaving the yellow-spotted lizards to wonder if it was hip to be square.
Leaving me wondering what on earth had just happened.
--
A/N: Good evening everyone. NiCki-B, my apologies for not mentioning you up here earlier... I thought I put you up there in the dedications before, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, you guys are too great. :) Well, here was some Squid/Andiiness. I've written out the plot so it might make it easier for me to write now. I can't write. I'm suffering from a writer's block. I know, that is so not cool. :( I would put this story on hiatus, but I know how much you would hate me and I don't want - oh, wait a second. (answers doorbell and sees an angry mob of people with torches and pitchforks) Oh, cow, they've already arrived. Well, lucky I've packed. I'll just escape from the backdoor -
What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I'm so sorry for not updating sooner. But the fact is, I can't write this story anymore. It's almost impossible. With exams coming up in a day (and absolutely NO STUDYING), I am completely DEAD. I will try, REALLY TRY to write this story, but it's so hard. And I consider it like homework, sometimes. Nevertheless, while updates will be slower than usual, there will still be updates. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter a lot more than I enjoyed writing it. Fare thee well, m'cherie. - msq.