Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

The Inspection Of CGL

Chapter Eighteen ll The Longly Awaited Chapter

--

Holy cow, this can't be happening.

Holy cow, it is happening.

HOLY COW, THEY'RE SERVING PIZZA FOR DINNER!

Oh, and also Squid kissed me on the forehead. I mean, what was that all about? Does he want me to collapse underneath this emotional exhaustion?

"Take deep breaths, Andii," Caveman was telling me as I hyperventilated in the Wreck Room, "You need to learn to take things calmly. You know, not to scream and run around in triangles."

"I take everything calmly!" I snapped, emphasising my point by swinging my hand and accidentally whacking Zero in the face, "Oh, my bad!"

Oh no, I just said 'my bad'.

Oh no, I just said it again.

Oh no, I really should calm down.

Magnet patted me on the back and said, "Chicka, you want me to race you around from your tent to the Mess Hall to take your mind off things?"

"Si," I said, shaking my head.

They all stared at each other.

"I didn't know you could speak Spanish," Zigzag finally said.

"Non," I said, nodding my head.

"Now she's converted to French," commented X-Ray.

"She need helps."

"S-e-e-eriously."

"Go home," I muttered, turning on my side and closing my eyes, "I don't need help, you need help. Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars? No. Exactly, my point proven. I'm tired, I'm going to sleep. If anyone rings, tell them I'm not here and won't be here as long as they're still on the phone."

" 'Lil gal, wake up before I slap you," X-Ray drawled.

I opened my eyes and sat up properly, ashamed.

Meet D-tent, the new counselors of Camp Green Lake. They try to help you when you're worried, or depressed, or just feeling blue. Instead of helping, they make you feel ten times worse.

I know they're just trying to help.

But they can't help.

So why can't they just please stop trying.

I'm still confused at Squid, with his talking of the slave labour deal and the requesting to carry his shovel and the pulling and the colliding and that stupid kiss!

And I'm still annoyed at the Warden, with her whole "let's-buy-pizza" attitude.

…And why did Squid ask me to carry his shovel and perform such a… such a feat about it, when the next day, he goes ahead and carries the forsaken tool himself? What is WRONG with that boy? Is he more confused than I am?

Probably.

Now he's pretending, such an infant game, pretending that nothing happened. So while I'm biting my lip a lot and sneaking random looks at the dummy, he's whistling away and digging at his hole like there's no tomorrow. Chatting with the guys as free as you please. Playing pool as if nothing's on his mind. Eating dinner as if HE DIDN'T JUST PULL ME TO HIM AND KISS ME ON THE FOREHEAD A MERE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AGO.

Calm down, you say?

FINE.

X-Ray was still sitting on the table in front of me, looking at me in some concern. I was sitting cross-legged on the couch, leaning back in exhaustion. The others had given up on me and were heading for the (evil) pizza dinner table.

"What's the matter with you, 'lil gal?" he asked, unusually gentle.

"I'm… confused," I said softly, looking at him imploringly as if he might have the answers. I guess that's how all the guys look at X-Ray. He's our leader, the one we can rely on.

"About what?" he asked.

My eyes grew heavy, "About... everything. I'm so tired, X."

He gave me a little smile, "Hey, hey, wake up. You want dinner?"

I shook my head and he frowned.

"You sure?" When I nodded again, he got up and nudged me gently on the side of my face. "A'ight then. We'll save some dessert for you, 'lil gal."

I smiled at him and later dozed off. One of them must have carried me back to my tent because I woke up the next morning with Squid looking down at me...

--

Day 21

At first, I thought maybe Clover had finally morphed into a human after years of patience.

"Clover! How nice to meet you... man, why are you wearing orange?" was my first incoherent and illogical response.

Then: "AHHHH, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN HERE, SQUID?"

Squid scrambled back as I sat bolt right up, screaming from premature heart attack shock. Squid yelped and exclaimed, "Geez, woman, you don't have to yell! A couple of thousand people in Egypt didn't hear you!"

This had me stumped for a moment, as I tried to connect Egypt with yelling, then yelling with stuffed cows.

"I do have to yell! Why'd you come in here? You never do that!" I hollered, my hands flipping over wildly as I looked for something to throw at him. I was so shocked that it even temporarily drove my annoyance at Squid out of my mind. Only, this was another thing to add to my grievances against the idiot.

"I've got a letter for you!" exclaimed Squid defensively, though he did manage to flush a brilliant salmon as he produced a bundle of letters.

Oh, me and my popularity.

No, I was kidding.

Seriously.

I'm not that up myself.

Am I?

"Really?" I beamed while I snatched them from him and said, "Been keeping them away from me to keep me from going to school, hey? Suppose you shall have to punish yourself now! I command you, Dobby - I mean, Squiddy, to bang your head with a lamp and then shut yourself in the closet and make lots of cat-like noises!"

I paused, then said, "Oh yeah, and you have to ruin Mr. Sir's Japanese golf joke."

Slight pause. Slight frown. Slight Look of 'I think she's deranged'.

Then, "Okay... 'lil girl... you've been reading way too much Harry Potter."

Oh, I shall weep for my Harry Potter days.

Something hit me. Not literally. I just realised this is the first time I've been alone with Squid since he kissed me on the forehead. He kissed me on the forehead. He kissed me on the forehead.

He kissed me on the forehead.

Wow, I just realised how many meanings you can produce with one emphasis.

He kissed me on the forehead shows that I cannot believe he kissed me.

He kissed me on the forehead defines that I cannot comprehend that he kissed me. Me, of all people at Camp Green Lake! ...Well, I see his point. Who else could he kiss? X-Ray? Caveman? The Warden? Or...

...Mr. Sir?

EWWWWWWW.

He kissed me on the forehead depicts my utter disgust to where he chose to kiss me. Except, I don't mind that it was the forehead.

You know what?

I've just confused myself even more.

To make myself look slightly smarter than I am, I simply stated that Harry Potter is cool and to get out of my tent so I can read the letters he has most intrusively hidden from me.

PUNISH YOURSELF, SQUIDDY, PUNISH YOURSELF!!

I opened the envelope that was black and written in whiteout was, "THERE'S A BOMB IN HERE, ALL SHALL PERISH AND CO-EXIST PEACEFULLY FOREVERMORE! THE END."

Definitely from Claude.

Konnichiwa!

Hey Andii! HAHAHAHA, you're at a boys' detention camp! You're going to come back all bad-like and skipping school and wearing black nail polish and getting your belly button pierced and having a thousand earrings and please don't.

Everyone misses you heaps! HONEST. Today Sandra wanted to give you a minute's silence... well, it lasted for about five seconds. Be proud. And and and I've been really bored without you! You missed my birthday you horrible cow. What kind of best friend do you call yourself? No, just kidding. I got the letter you sent me. I really miss you, Di. How's the camp shaping up? Any cute guys? xD

TELL ME ALL! MUAHAHAHA!

So I'll tell you a funny story? Yesterday I got locked in my bedroom. I AM NOT PULLING YOUR LEG. And I was busting, too! Stupid cheap door handles. Yes, the handle fell off. Are you laughing? I know you are. I still kinda am, actually. Not that it was funny at the time; I was shocked, scared, horrified, peeved off and then maybe a bit senile by the time I got out. They had to get me out through the window and Mum got the repairmen to fix my handle. You have to come try it out. It's so shiny and nice, and there's something so satisfying about opening my bedroom door now.

If you're wondering what I'm doing these days, they consist of (ready?): HOMEWORK.

Haha, kidding. More like sitting in front of the TV and watching dramas. Take pittance on me, Di, I have used eleven boxes of Kleenex on these terrible dramas. Why must they always have a terminal disease? And I have been doing my homework. (Would you expect anything less? This is your Japanese nerd friend, after all. Booyah!)

I'm going to the library now (YES. NERD I BE) so I'm gonna drop this off at the post office on the way there. WB soon or I'm gonna hunt you down.

ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOU.

Luv,
Claudette.

I feel teary. Like, really really teary.

I really want a hug.

What's even more insane, I want Squid to pop back in, in all his Dobbyness and spread out his arms and say, "I'll give you a hug."

The things that can happen when you're trapped in a correctional facility and you're totally innocent.

--

"Pie."

"Crust."

"Bird."

"Poo."

"Sewer."

"Lawyer."

"Judge."

"Wig."

"Pig."

"Farm."

"Duck."

"Quack."

"Crackers."

"And cheese."

"Ew."

"Stop it you two," Zero groaned for the zillionth time that afternoon, "It's annoying. And Andii, you have to ask Squid about his past, otherwise Mr. Sir is going to chop you up into little pieces and put you in a pie."

"Oh, I like the sound of that," I said, shutting my eyes ecstatically, " 'The Andromeda Pie.' Better yet, 'The Andii-Pandii-Wonderfilli Pie'."

It makes me so proud to think that, one day, hungry kids all over the world will be eating my brand of pies.

With me as the filling.

...Maybe it's not so wonderfilli after all.

Magnet turned to Zero, "Aw, don't be such a spoilsport, Zee. This game is fun. See, we'll try. I say one word, and you gotta say the first thing that comes to your mind. Tennis ball."

Zero turned away, "Do I really have to say what comes to my mind first?" he said in an embarrassed sort of way.

Magnet looked blank, then frowned, "Oh, I get you. Okay then, uhh... Sausage."

Zero still said nothing; he held the same disgusted look on his face.

"Oh, man!" Magnet cursed, "Fine, you can't make anything wrong out of this: whipped cream."

Looking rather frightened, Zero went back to digging his hole furiously.

I will never understand boys.

Never.

"Oh, and would ya look at Squiddy dig," Zigzag commentated, on the other side of the digging site, "With such enthusiasm and spirit, it was like this boy was made for digging holes! Would'n'cha say so, Pit?"

"Why of course," Armpit chimed in, talking into an imaginary microphone, "Squid... err, what's his last name?"

"Err... D-tent?"

"Squid D-tent is the digger of all - no, that sounds wrong. Who'd have a surname like D-tent?"

"Are you insulting X-Ray?"

"What - no!"

"Coz if you are..." Zigzag demonstrated the consequence by punching his right fist into his left palm.

"What, you're gonna punch his hand?"

"More like your nuts - "

" - and raisins, same thing," Armpit finished off hastily when he saw me walk over.

"No way, raisins are like sultanas," Zigzag continued arguing.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

A shovelful of dirt came flying at them both.

"Will you two just shut up?" yelled Squid, putting down his raised shovel.

Ahaha, raised and raisin sound the same...sort of.

"Your face needs to shut up," Zigzag countered brightly, wiping the dirt off his own… face. "Man, how are raisins and nuts alike?"

"Coz you hear them together all the time!" Armpit almost yelled, "Kinda like cheese and crackers!"

Another shovelful of dirt hit them.

"That's it, I'm going to go pee," Armpit said bad-temperedly.

"Ah, watch it, little ears!" Squid said loudly, pointing at me.

"Excuse me, I have normal-sized ears!" I said at once. It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop myself!

"I meant you're too young," Squid said with a sigh.

"What, too young to hear that Armpit is going off to urinate?" I snapped. Word vomit again.

"Could you please not talk about me behind my back?" Armpit yelled over his shoulder. He turned around and started to walk backwards, "It's not very nice, you know! How would you like it if - OH, CRAP!"

Yep, he had walked into a hole.

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Funny.

I'm over it now.

MUAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Mental image of Armpit stacking it into a hole.

I turned away and started giggling to myself.

"So anyway, after that awful interruption," Zigzag cleared his throat, "Welcome back to Zig'n'Pitty's show: Dining with Dan. Today we will follow me around and meet up with Squiddy to find out the secret behind his holes. Later on in the show, we will catch up with good ol' Zero and discover how he gets his fabulous little curls."

What kinda corny name is Dining with Dan?

And who is Dan?

And why would you name a show after him/her?

The things you try to find out these days.

" - we'll chat with Caveman and check out those new tulips he has imagined into existence, and ways to freshen up your non-existent garden this annual summer - "

"He has acute paranoia, he has acute paranoia," Squid was muttering under his breath.

I must ask Squid these questions about his past and crime if I want to graduate from high school!

Well... not really.

"Zig," I said suddenly, "Please... hmm, how do I put this..."

Quick, someone tell me a nice way to tell Zigzag I want him to shut his trap.

"Please shut your trap."

Oh, brilliant.

Zigzag blinked at me with wide eyes. He pointed a quaking finger at me and said, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"

Holy jubes, sudden remembrance of him chasing me around with a shovel. I was ready to scream and hide in a hole when he dropped his arm and said (quite normally, I might add), "I'm bored."

Mmm, juvy centres these days are a bit on the melancholy side.

What an excellent note!

I grabbed my denim bag, pulled out my notebook and scrawled it in big, bold letters.

Squid has really nice hair.

As I looked through my bag for some gum, my hairbrush fell out. Zero-point-five seconds later, it had gone and Zigzag was inspecting it. I was about to snatch it off him before he could start screaming, "IT'S TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY SENSE OF TOUCH!", before realising that he had at last gone quiet.

Maybe this hairbrush could be some sort of entertainment for him.

Zigzag was giggling at it silently, and he was whispering plans for a tea party.

I took this chance to slip over to Squid, take out my form on him and asked, "Okay, so like, give me a brief summary of your past."

Squid sighed and pushed the tip of his shovel into the dirt, resting on top of it.

"Briefing my past would be like taking the middle part of a story out, leaving you with the beginning and ending," he explained seriously, looking at me with intense brown eyes.

I hate it when publishers do that! (Take the middle part of a story out.)

"Well, then..." I shrugged, "Just tell me all of it. Come on." I plopped down on the dirt and patted the spot beside me, "I've listened to everyone's life story. Pretty interesting, really."

"Your fingers are crossed," Squid pointed out, reluctantly sitting beside me.

Darn. How did he see?

"Oh," I said, thinking fast, "Now how did that happen..." I uncrossed my fingers and rushed on, "So, begin at the beginning."

Squid took a deep breath and dragged out the longest word I had ever heard of, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell."

My hand was twitching to write something down.

"Well..." Squid took another deep breath, "Well..."

"Tell me something," I said, leaning closer, "Are you just going to say 'well', or are you planning on linking some other words together to form a sentence?"

Squid half-smiled, "Okay, well - "

He suddenly broke off and turned around.

I WAS SO CLOSE!

It turned out Zigzag had started to brush Squid's hair with my hairbrush.

"Uh..." Squid tried to ignore his friend's persistent brushing and continued speaking, "Well, I remember living in a castle."

I hadn't exactly been expecting that.

"It wasn't exactly a castle, but it was pretty big," he shrugged, "And we lived in a really nice place. It was pretty. But that's all I can remember. My parents argued a lot. Then next thing I know, we'd moved out of the castle and we lived in a much smaller house. In a not-so-nice area."

He paused for a moment to stare at Zig, who had moved off of combing Squid's hair to combing Squid's back.

"That kinda tickles," Squid commented, then turned back to me, "I must've been really young then. We had only been living in the small house for a little while when my dad walked out."

I suppressed an "aww". What is it with parents leaving their youngin's behind?

"When I was older, I found out what happened. My mum had a drinkin' problem and my dad didn't like it. Apparently he was fed up with her because he had given up so much to be with her and she just threw it back in his face," Squid shrugged and looked at the dirt, with Zig still brushing his back. "My mum was really angry when dad just left. She called him a lot of bad things."

I will not cry, I will not cry.

Think of pie.

Rhymes are annoying.

Squid sighed. Zigzag stopped brushing his back and moved onto his neck.

"Ouch, not there! That hurts," Squid moaned, pushing Zig away. "So anyway..." he looked at me as I scribbled something unreadable on his form, "My mum was sorta abusive. She was… drunk a lot. When she wasn't drunk, she was sleeping or throwing up on the bathroom floor."

I scrunched up my nose. Reflex action. But he didn't mind.

"Yep, that's life for me," Squid sighed again. "She was angry a lot of the time, too. Mostly at Dad, but she lashed out on me. She had a job down at the local pub, but she always used the money on her alcohol. I had to... I had to steal to buy food, pay the rent, bills... That sorta thing."

"Oooh," I said slowly. These kids really have troubled and hard lives. I gulped, trying to forget what a horrible brat I've always been. And how much stuff I've taken for granted.

"Yeah, and - STOP BRUSHING ME!" Squid finally yelped at Zigzag.

Zigzag broke into hysterical laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

Watching him laugh made me laugh.

Soon, we were both rolling on the floor laughing.

ROFL.

What a word.

Roff-ool.

Aaaaaanywho.

I managed to convince Zigzag you can dig holes much quicker using a hairbrush, which finally made him go away. Bonus point: made him stop brushing Squid.

"He is so weird," I giggled.

"Yeah, but he's cool," Squid smiled at me, "So… yeah. I had to steal to keep my mum and me alive."

"I see."

"Of course you do, that's why you were given eyes."

"…You are lameo."

"I stole loose change and food 'round the neighbourhood. Nothing ever too serious. This gang that went to my school asked me to go with them, but I guess I was too... too independent to join. But sometimes I went with them and we would raid the local supermarket. Just grab some change and stuff off the shelves. Nothing too serious. And I had to, anyway."

I used to think all stealing was just plain bad, but I've started to see that in some cases, it was sort of a necessity.

Oh no, I'm getting teary.

I imagined a very pink elephant - I mean, a very pink pie.

"That's about my life, I guess," Squid looked at me with those eyes of his, and they always made me melt. Amazing, how forty degree celcius weather can make me sweat and all, but a juvenile delinquent's eyes can make me melt like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.

I seriously don't think I will ever get life. And when I do, I will have the most twisted, confusing and furthest away from the actual meaning understanding of it.

The woes of being an insane little girl.

Not that I'm little, or even insane.

"Oooh..." I wiped away a tear, hoping he wouldn't notice, "You poor baby..."

Squid snorted and laughed, "Yeah. Right. You need to get out more often, 'lil girl. You've been cooped up in Palmoilin too long."

I don't know what shocked me more: the fact that he remembered where I come from, or the fact that he called the place by its name, and not "Diamondville".

"Maybe you're right," I shrugged, "But when I grow up, I'm going to move out and build myself an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."

"You do that," Squid laughed, shaking his head, "So, I've just wasted about ten minutes of my life. Great. Can I waste some more?"

"Sure," I said, flicking through my notebook, "What crime did you commit?"

"I broke into someone's house and grabbed some stuff. I'd done this a million times before, but this time I got caught," Squid said indifferently.

"Ah."

I spent the rest of the day reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, and I couldn't help but think that the boys here at this camp had the same tragic sort of past as the Baudelaire orphans. I couldn't help but think that these kids were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that they're actually decent teenagers like me.

Like me.

Someone who was born into a wealthy family, living in the most privileged town in and out of Texas.

The only difference between me and them is that I got lucky.

I couldn't help but realise that my friends back at Palmoilin may be there for a while, but the friends I have here have already made a lasting impression on me.

There's a fine line between it all, some line that I can't really grasp.

I wonder why I didn't figure this out earlier.

I wonder why I'm so thick sometimes.

I wonder if getting sent here to do a report on CGL and meeting these boys wasn't just some whacked up idea of the AG's, and wasn't just some crazy agreement of my mum's. Maybe I'm supposed to be here.

All a part of destiny, or whatever it's called.

Just maybe...

These kids,
Trapped in a struggle and,
Nowhere to head at night.
Head full of trouble is,
All that they're gettin',
And nobody knows,
The suffering they go through.
And you wouldn't believe them if they told you.

--

A/N: All right, I know you're all seriously ready to kill me because I haven't updated in almost a month. I'm really, really, really SORRY! I'm not even going to explain why I haven't updated for so long. Too much going on, I guess. So yeah. Honestly, this chapter just wasn't coming out right. And even now I don't think it's as good as it can be. But that's life. :) I will certainly NOT be giving up this fic, so do not freak. Updates may be slow, that's all. 1001 kisses to my reviewers and readers. And if I don't update before, Merry Christmas to you all. - msq.

PS. Thanks for reviewing. :) As I said before, I am not going to give up on this fic. By the way, there was a BIG CLUE in this chapter... well, I think there was, anyway. Lol. If you figure it out, that'd be cool:) Okay, I'm being way too vague. Oh well, I don't want to ruin the story. Hehe, Lucky38, your metaphor was wicked. I loved it. :) Wait, what's a metaphor? (shrug) There, there, DarkKestralSilkeQueen, I used to be a real dunce at ff net terms. One-sided literally means one-sided, lol. Meaning it's only been from one side. Okay:) Yup, songs are cool. My friends find my tendency to burst out into random songs really odd, hehe. The kiss-on-the-cheek presented a bit of a commotion, hey? I thought it was cute:) Okay, tally ho amigos!

PPS. The song is 'These Kids' by Joel Turner.