A/N: thanks for the feedback it is appreciated and makes it worth writing this story. Thanks to Jean for the beta and the encouragement when I got stuck!
Okay on with the next part.
Part 18
This can't be happening.
I'm so surprised that she is here in front of me.
She is pointing a staff weapon at me, screaming that I have killed her god. I'm trying to focus and back away. I'm starting to slip into unconsciousness, so I guess that at least I won't I need to reason with her. There is no reason in her mind. She is blaming me for the death of her beloved.
The one thing that keeps repeating in my mind is why?
Why now?
Why, when we were so close to home, did this have to happen?
Why couldn't she see that the bastard was only using her?
Why did I have to die on this planet?
Why did my friends, my team, my Jack, have to suffer and fall to this last defeat?
I raise my hands but don't speak. I don't know what to do, but if I run others will be hurt. Rather it be me then Jack. I couldn't stand anything else happening to him. He had saved me and now I would sacrifice myself for him.
I see something move from the corner of my eye.
NO!
Oh God, no!
"Jack don't," my mind screams. But it's too late.
He's falling and I'm trying to catch him.
"No, Jack, please God no!"
I hear myself screaming out that I was prepared for the blast. I had been surprised by her but not by her actions.
I understood why she was doing it.
I had killed someone she loved. Someone she had devoted her life to.
Love?
Devotion?
She didn't know the meaning of love and never got the chance to understand what it was to be truly loved.
To have the warmth you got from feeling the love swell in your chest when he walked into a room, or when you were next to him sleeping, hearing him breathe and longing to hold him. Knowing your day was a little brighter as soon as he smiled for you and you alone.
She was too blind to see that Ba'al was only using her for his own needs. He was an animal, because no human could inflict the horrors he had on others. He took pleasure in making others suffer. He had no compassion or love for anyone but himself.
She merely wanted revenge for us taking away the one thing she had left.
In a way, I can't blame her. I had submitted to her God myself when I thought he had killed my family, when I had watched him break the man I love so painfully. I had sought revenge for the lives he had taken and for those he was yet to take.
She had died seeking this revenge, but had taken my life with her.
My reason for being is on top of me and he is not moving.
The truth is there through the wormhole. Our future is just steps away and now it has been taken from me.
I am in a haze. I don't have the strength to go on.
I don't want to go on.
I hear Daniel scream for a medic. Teal'c is ordering the jaffa surround us, to shield us from any further attacks.
I put my head on his chest and start to cry. I am startled to hear a faint heart beat. I pull at his vest and his now soaked T-shirt.
I place my head to his chest again, now with more purpose. I can hear it, I'm not just imagining it. We have to get him through the gate.
"Teal'c!"
He's by my side in seconds.
"He's still alive, help me get him through the gate to Janet. She'll save him. I know she will, she's done it before, please Teal'c. Daniel, help me!"
They pull him off me and Teal'c puts him over his shoulder. Daniel is there to help me up.
I grab for my love's hand and tug both Teal'c and him through the gate.
As soon as the coldness hits us I count the seconds till we are on the other side.
As soon as we hit the ramp we all yell out.
"Janet!"
"Janet!"
"DoctorFraiser!"
She's at the bottom of the ramp and rushes forward.
Teal'c puts him down awkwardly on the ramp and she starts to check for a pulse.
"Teal'c, lay him down flat."
"I cannot, DoctorFraiser, he has sustained a staff blast injury to his upper back."
She pulls off the vest and starts to bark out orders.
I'm sitting next to him. Daniel is hovering above me. I haven't let go of his hand. I'm whispering to him that he can't leave, that I would be lost without him, that now we are willing to take the next step, he has to fight to come back to me.
His hand is cold and limp.
I rub it and blow at it to warm it up. I cup his hand in mine.
"Janet, he's so cold. Do something, please, don't let him die, he can't die. He doesn't know how I feel. He has to live to hear me tell him I love him."
She isn't listening to me.
She is checking for a pulse and suddenly lets out a curse.
"We've lost the heartbeat. Teal'c, you're going to have to put him down. We have to get his heart started. Come on, Colonel, don't give up now."
Teal'c puts him down and stands back. One of the medics is trying to get around me.
I not moving and show him I won't.
Didn't he know I wasn't leaving him? That if I let him go, he might think I had given up on him and leave me.
"Sam, move! I need the medic's help."
Janet yells at me as she is cutting his shirt off.
Doesn't she understand I have to be by his side?
Daniel tries to pull me away, as does Teal'c. I started to fight them and tell them that I'm not leaving him, that I won't leave him, that he needs me.
The medic looks both at me and at Janet.
"I need help now! Teal'c, Daniel, get her away from here, she's being a hindrance. She's not listening to me. Get her off the ramp and down to the infirmary now!"
She is angry, but I don't care, I'm not leaving.
They try to lift me and I pull away.
"NO! You don't understand! He's the reason I'm alive. He's the reason I wasn't hit by the staff blast and he's the reason I wasn't raped by Ba'al. He's the reason that I held on. He's the last thing I saw when the life was draining out of me. He's the reason I get up in the morning. He's the reason I fight this stupid war. He's the reason I won't leave. Please, Janet, don't tell me to leave him. If he dies, I'll die with him. "
Everyone is staring at me. I don't care. I start to see blackness and shake my head. I feel a hand on my shoulder look up to see the General.
"Sam, let him go. They can't revive him if you're holding on. Come on, let Dr. Fraiser do her job."
I see Janet pumping Jack's chest and it finally dawns on me that I am stopping him from being seen too.
I let go and Daniel pulls me away.
Teal'c brings me a blanket and covers me.
The medics are helping Janet and she is asking for the paddles. She has put a rubber pad underneath him.
I close my eyes and turn away when I hear her yell out 'clear'.
I almost feel him move up and back down with the charge of the paddles and the whining of the machine. It still emits a continuous whine, no beats to indicate his heart is working.
This is my undoing. I want to stay by him. The noise is deafening, the whine unceasing, Janet yelling at the medic to turn it up to the next level.
I am pulled away, but whisper in protest.
I have to stay close to him.
I want to be here if my guardian angel leaves me.
I want to be here for our end.
The whine turns into a repeating beep and I look to him.
"We've got a pulse, let's move, people."
A gurney is pushed to up the ramp and he is placed on it.
Suddenly, the gurney is on the move, Janet walking quite fast to keep up with it, barking out orders and telling the medics to get the OR ready, to have the surgeon prepped.
She looks back as Teal'c picks me up and tries to place me on another gurney. I pull away and want to follow Jack.
She continues to shout, even as I watch them push the gurney through the doors, everyone making a wide path. "Teal'c, Daniel, keep her away, I need to have room to work! Sam, stay, do you hear me? Alright people, move!"
Teal'c picks me up and places me on the gurney.
The medic comes over and starts to take my pulse and check me over. He starts issuing orders to the others and begins to roll my gurney to the infirmary. He asks where I am hurt. I don't answer. I want to die.
I've killed Jack. I come to that conclusion as I realize the precious seconds I was arguing with Janet and the medics, could have been used to bring him back to life.
Daniel grabs my hand and whispers all will be well, that Jack has too much to live for to give up now.
I shake my head in disagreement and he frowns.
"If he dies its all my fault, Daniel, the blame should be placed on me. I stopped him from getting treatment, I was the cause of him being shot. I am to blame for his injuries from Ba'al. If I was just a little bit quicker, I would have killed that bastard myself, but instead I let him overpower me and take the knife away. I should have just let him have his way. It wouldn't have meant anything and Jack would have saved me. And he would be alive right now."
"Stop it! Sam, stop it now. You're not thinking right. Stop blaming yourself. You got him here, he's got a fighting chance. Janet will do everything in her power to bring him back."
I don't listen to him.
He's wrong, its all my fault. I've killed the man I love. He's dead and I'm alive, how ironic.
Alive, only to end up dying from a broken heart.
The black widow has struck again.
I'm slipping into numbness and I welcome it.
I'm in the infirmary and an IV is placed in my arm. I'm looking around for Jack. Teal'c is not around and Daniel is called over by the medic to ask what my injuries were.
My brain is not working.
The numbness is taking control. I'm looking around and I don't see him. I have to tell him that I love him. That's what my heart is crying out and suddenly my brain is listening.
I pull out the IV and start to walk to the door.
I don't make it far. Janet comes through the doors and is shocked.
"Dammit, Sam, what the hell was that back there? You were stopping me from doing my job!" She took in my appearance. "Why are you out of bed? Where did all that blood come from?"
I back away from her. Oh god, she is here to tell me he is dead.
I shake my head and start to whimper. If I don't hear it, then it isn't true. I back up, knocking over a tray and it crashes to the floor.
"You're here to tell me he's dead, aren't you. I killed him, it's all my fault. Oh god, I killed Jack."
Daniel is by my side, as is Teal'c.
I start to slide to the floor and Janet is checking me over. She looks at Daniel and Teal'c and speaks sharply. "Why didn't you two tell me she was injured as well? Dammit, she's losing a lot of blood, her pupils are not responding properly to the light. Did she sustain a head injury? Where did all this bruising come from? Hey, I need answers now."
Teal'c starts to answer her, saying he had come upon me and Jack in Ba'al's chamber and that he did not know if I had sustained a head injury.
"Janet, you're not here to tell me he's dead, are you? Janet, I didn't tell him. I waited too long and didn't tell him. He's alone, please let me go to him."
"No, Sam, he's not dead. We have one of the best burn surgeons attending him. It's going be a while, but I am to be notified if there are any changes. He will be very angry if we don't tend to you. Sam he called out to you and asked me if you were safe. So please let me tend to you. Its what he wants. Okay?"
I gasp. He's woken up. I close my eyes in relief.
I nod and Teal'c picks me up.
I am so tired. I want to sleep but Janet starts to ask about my injuries.
Daniel is next to me, holding my hand and Teal'c is standing guard at the foot of my bed.
"Sam, what happened offworld?."
I gaze at her and whisper, "I died, Janet."
She looks to Daniel, horrified.
He nods.
I can hear her hesitate and speak softly.
"Okay, you were revived in a sarcophagus by Ba'al, right?"
I nod.
"I woke up and was taken to holding cells with the villagers. I was trying to find the guys, but they weren't there. I saw the villagers and Karina. She said everything would be alright, now that I was there. Boy, was she wrong."
"Sam, what else happened?"
I told her how I was taken to see Ba'al, how he had handled me. How he showed me that my team was dead.
"He showed me Teal'c's staff weapon, Daniel's glasses, and Jack's cap. He then offered me the chance to be his next lotar."
Teal'c turned to me and Daniel squeezed my hand.
"I was stripped and put in this so called dress. Then I was drugged. I couldn't move, Janet, it paralyzed me. He came back and started to kiss me and touch me and.."
"I get the picture, Sam. Why don't you guys go outside for a few minutes, give us some space?"
Daniel glances at me and Janet. He understands.
"Sam, I'm going to be right here, on the other side of the curtain. Okay?"
I thank him.
"Sam, honey, you don't have to say anything other than yes or no, okay?"
"No, I'll tell you everything, just in case I don't get to later."
"Did he rape you, Sam?"
"No, he tried. He groped me and touched me in...places. He kissed me and also bit me. All the bruising on my face is from him. He threw me against the wall and slammed my head on the floor after I tried to kill him. He was about to rape me when I screamed out for Jack and he...he was just there. Janet, he saved me from my own worst nightmare. Ba'al had taken everything from me and I couldn't fight him any longer. Me, with all my training and brains. I couldn't stop him from raping me."
Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I am so tired and the wound on my back is causing me so much pain.
"Janet, the blood is from the knife wound to my back. It's getting harder for me to breathe."
"What knife wound? Oh, I'm going to kill that medic."
She pulls the blanket off me and curses.
"It's deep. How are you still standing? I swear you are going to be stuck here for weeks, do you hear me…"
She is stopped from her tirade by a nurse who flys through the doors and calls out her name in a frantic tone.
Janet goes to the nurse.
Daniel comes back and takes my hand.
It's my fault he's been injured. Ba'al and his sick mind, he had hurt my family so much and I still felt responsible.
"Daniel, he's dead."
"No Sam, he's not. There are a lot of the villagers. Some are hurt, they might need Janet for someone else."
He isn't a good liar.
I reach up and stroke his face. He winces and I apologize.
"I'm sorry Ba'al hurt you, Daniel, I'm sorry you had to witness me die in front of you. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell Jack that I loved him."
I turn away. My tears are back and I shed them freely. I don't care who knows anymore.
I love him.
But everyone had heard me expect him.
Daniel blurts out, "He knew! Sam, he did, honest. Ba'al didn't do this. Jack did. I said some hurtful things to him and he let me have it. They were about him and you. I told him you loved him and he was so shocked, but I stupidly went on to twist the knife, so to speak. I said he hid behind the military and that he had lost you because he was a selfish son of a bitch. He hit me, hard, but then he just stopped and it broke my heart when he whispered that you loved him. No, Sam. I deserve this, you are not to blame for my injuries, my mouth is."
He knows.
I call out for Janet.
I will fight to stay awake til I know he is alright.
"Pull the curtain, Daniel, or I swear I will get off this bed to find out Jack's condition."
He did just as another nurse ran in.
"Dr. Fraiser, we need you in the OR, stat! He's crashing and the Dr. needs your help to stop the bleeding."
I feel my world stop.
My heart turns cold and I know he is gone. I can feel it.
I let go of Daniel's hand and lie back down on the gurney.
Janet turns to me and to the nurse.
"Go, I"ll be there in a moment. Sam!"
I am letting the numbness take me away. I have stayed conscious long enough to know for sure what my heart is telling me.
My love is gone.
I let the darkness claim me as Janet starts to frantically attempt to get me to respond. My eyes close and I wait to see if he will be waiting for me on the other side.
I have nothing to live for now.
If Jack O'Neill is dead, then so am I.
I allow myself to slip away.