The Inspection Of CGL Chapter 19: Pudding And All 'Round Insanity, a holes fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

The Inspection Of CGL

Chapter Nineteen ll Pudding And All 'Round Insanity

Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal

11th of August. (Day 21)

Mood: drained
Time: 9:01pm

My lips are dry and my six tubes of lip gloss have all DISAPPEARED! Arghh, how can they all just leave me? Grr. It makes me SO angry. Come to think of it, Armpit has been having very pink and full lips recently. Must go ask him about it later.

Anywho, today was my SECOND DAY OF INTERVIEWING SQUID. He's had a really sad past. It makes me sad to think about it. But you know what makes me even sadder?

My lip gloss box empty.

Not that I have a lip gloss box or anything, but I want my lip gloss back! Otherwise I'll have dry lips in the morning, and I'll look like a... like a fish with dry lips! I don't wanna look like that.

Oh, that reminds me. I got lots of mail. Tons. Makes me feel really loved. I also got a parcel from the AG. He sent me a cassette tape and player. The tape, unfortunately, is blank. I'm supposed to give it to the D-tent boys, and they're all to record whatever they feel like talking about onto it, just so the AG knows what kinda people are at Camp Green Lake. It's kind of like a diary entry, except you speak it.

They also have to give their opinions about the camp. And the inspector.

Which is me.

They have to say what kinda effect I've had on this camp. And whether or not they're grateful.

I'm really scared of what they might say.

"Andii is an insane person who should be sent to a shrink."

If the AG hears that, he'll kidnap me, shove me in a potato sack and throw me in the ocean, where I will drown in a completely unromantic way, to be forgotten forever... And no one will realise the murder behind this. Everyone will think I jumped into the sea off my own accord, and the AG will walk away, as if he was totally innocent...

Well, I'll kill him first.

Did you know X-Ray likes lychees? I didn't.

Nighty night night,

Andii.

Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal

12th of August. (Day 22)

Mood: bubbly
Time: 6:34pm

DiNneR Is MYSteRIOUS sAUSAges anD bEAn slUdGe.

ExcUse my BumPY wriTing, X-rAy keeps snatcHing My peN, and hE sAys I proMIsed noT to wrIte in This anYmoRe at tHe tabLe.

Finally, he's stopped annoying me. So anyway, today was just another ordinary day. Camp Green Lake is pretty boring. Any sort of change, even if it's just a new camper, around here is like BIG NEWS.

I asked D-tent if they had started their little cassette-diary-thing, and they told me in secret that X-Ray has been talking to it all night long. Then later, they said Zig was paranoid about it. It went something like this...

Squid: Zig was freaked how it recorded our voices.

Zig: Hey! I think it's-

Everyone: It won't steal your voice, man.

Hahaha, such a funny bunch.

I finished interviewing Squid today, meaning I have finished my interviewing. Which is a relief. Now I have to work on my reports on the camp and such, and I've got wonderful things to write. Many great ideas planned.

But you know what's scary? If I've finished interviewing that means I'm leaving soon... which is great, but... I've made good friends here, and I want to... STAY. Yes, you saw the words.

I WANT TO STAY.

I know you're thinking "this girl is mental", but it's true. I have fun here. I have fun back at home, but I've had a really great time here. Even if it was hot all the time. Even if the boys can be morons. Even if Mr. Sir is here.

Today we had sandwich eating races and guess who won?

Yup. Armpit.

His prize was a green balloon, a party hat and three shower tokens. Oh, and a half-melted toffee.

Afterwards, we had sword fights with our funky plastic sporks that were given with our lunch for some very odd reason. We always play games and do fun activities at lunch because that's when the boys take their break from digging their no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-holes. (Psst - I stole that line from Caveman!) I learnt that they used to not do anything at lunch, 'cept eat. In fact, they weren't even very close friends back then. But they said that when I came, they started growing closer and started having more fun.

I find it insane. But touching. :)

Now, it's always the routine of: finish lunch quickly and play random games/have random competitions. For example, after our sword fights, we had a beauty competition and Zero won that. (His cute little locks of hair do wonders.) When that was over, our last thing was to have a bit of quiet time. We did "Triangle/Circle", and Magnet told us a story about a little boy who lost his puppy dog, and spent forever looking for him.

Such a sad story.

Caveman came up to me while everyone else was digging and I was sitting by Squid's hole making sarcastic comments about his shovel (it had a dent in the wood part), and told me he'd been having a lot more fun since I came here.

It made me feel really strange...

Squid and I argued all day about his shovel. I said it was ugly and belonged to a therapy room for the "attractively challenged". He told me that looks weren't everything and that I belonged to the "vocally challenged". So then I yelled, "YOU ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED!" And everyone went, "OOOOOOOOH!" and Armpit ruined the moment by going, "Well my mum's cooking Continental." So of course, everyone had to go, "OOOOOOOOH!" again.

So we compromised in the end that everyone was somewhatedly challenged, and we sang a few nursery rhymes. AND I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK HE IS SO ADORABLE.

The end.

So ANYWAY, it's been a good day. It's been a good time. It's been a "hawt" time. Literally.

Hmmm, the boys wanna have an ice-cream eating competition again (oh, yay) so I better end this so I can at least pretend I might be able to beat Armpit! Fare thee well!

Sincerely,

Andii.

Day 23 - TAKE NOTE: DAY 23

I moaned and stretched comfortably on my airbed, dimly aware that outside, it was dark and probably nearing 4:30.

I comforted myself with the thought that I had only just gotten to sleep, meaning I had extra hours to rest my dear little head. Satisfied, I snuggled deeper into the cool blow-up pillow. My hand brushed on Clover and I just knew I had knocked him off onto the floor.

Poor thing.

Ah, well... if I make myself wake up to pick him back up, I'll get so annoyed at myself.

Life in the morning.

All that matters is sleep.

Times flies when you're sleeping.

I've never heard that quote before, but it should totally be in the Guinness Book of Records. In the awe-inspiring quotes section.

"Andii, dear?"

It was the Warden woman. And she was calling me "dear". Which meant she wanted to tell me something that she thinks I won't like hearing.

Oh, why oh why so early in the morning?

"Mmmmmmm?" I tried to make myself coherent as I sat up. Still quite tired, my head swayed and fell back on my pillow.

Ahhhhhhh, this feels nice.

"Andii, please wake up and come to my cabin. I have something to tell you," the Warden woman said a bit too heartily, and I heard her walk off. TRANSLATION: "Get up you lazy brat and get your arse to my cabin so I can order you around."

Don't mind me. I'm not usually like this.

It's just the morning.

I am so not a morning person.

You couldn't tell, could ya? xD

Seven minutes later, I had pulled my jersey over my PJs and was dragging myself towards the Warden's cabin. I was mentally singing "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" as I ambled over lifelessly.

I knocked on the Warden woman's door. When she didn't open up for five seconds, I put my head against it and closed my eyes, hoping to sneak in a quick nap. I come up with brilliant ideas for my spare time, no?

I yelled and jumped back when the door was suddenly pulled open.

There stood the Warden woman, decked in a pretty silk dress with dainty slippers and diamonds on her many rings.

Actually, she was wearing a rugged ACDC T-shirt over lavender pyjama pants.

I think I like the non-existent silk dress better.

"Come in, come in, dear," she said smilingly, beckoning me in. Slightly scared, I took a step into her cabin and then went and sat on the sofa I had sat on the previous occasion, when the WW told me to COOK FOR CGL.

Shudder.

Still brings back terrible memories.

"You're probably wondering why I called you in here," the Warden woman started as she sat down opposite me. She paused for effect, "You have finished interviewing all seven boys of D-tent, am I correct?"

I nodded absently, admiring the pretty flowered wallpaper.

"Well, unless I am mistaken, after interviewing the boys you are supposed to start on working on your reports on the camp itself, Mr. Sir, me - " at this she gave a fake chuckle, " - and so on. I was thinking, since you've spent so long getting to know the boys individually, you could all take a day off. In my cabin. Play games. I'll order in pizza and take out some junk food, and you could all have a sort of party. I have Monopoly and Twister, and a deck of playing cards. It'll be fun."

My eyes lit up. The prospect of staying in her air-conditioned cabin hanging with D-tent was really good! Not only that, I also felt glad that the boys would be able to take a day off digging in the sun. It'll be so much fun for them.

"Sure!" I exclaimed, "That'll be awesome. Do they already know?"

"No, you can tell them at breakfast. I - err - had a bad encounter last time I went to talk to them. One of them - the pyromaniac - tried to set me on fire with a lighter."

"Really?" I pretended to look surprised at Zig's predictable act, "Uhh... I don't think he really meant to."

"Yes, well," the Warden woman gave a nervous chuckle, "I have a fear of fire..."

"Ooh..." I paused, "Does it hurt when you get set on fire?"

"Who knows, but I just fear the heat... I hate the heat."

Huh?

"Oh yes," I said as casually as I dared, "Who does like the heat...?"

Since we were going to spend the entire day indoors, I threw on a pair of black shorts and a blue T-shirt, leaving my long brown hair out and sticking it in place with a white headband.

"AND SHE WILL BE LOVED!" I heard Squid roar, "SHE WILL BE LO-O-O-OVED!"

"Hey!" I greeted him. "You're losing your touch; you've already sung that before."

"I knew that," Squid looked at me. "You look nice."

"Why thank you," I tried sounding like my usual self, but he was making me nervous, "You ready to dig?"

"Yup."

"Well don't be!" I exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"I'll explain later. Just go eat your dear little breakfast and I'll promise to eat all my dinner tonight."

"Wow," Squid paused. "Is that even possible?"

I shook my head, and just as he walked off I yelled after him, "AND I KNOW YOU HAVE MY POST-ITS!" At this, Squid suddenly picked up his pace and almost ran to the Mess Hall.

"One seven," I lied, putting down a King.

"Cheat," Armpit said at once.

"NOOO!" I groaned, taking the whole pile.

" 'Lil girls aren't supposed to lie," Squid said teasingly.

"Well, sometimes 'lil girls have to," I said loftily, arranging my cards. I put down three Jacks.

They all looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You're supposed to tell us what you put down," X-Ray said as if talking to a very slow person.

"Oh, right! Three Queens," I said with a straight face.

"Cheat," Zigzag and Caveman said in unison.

Everyone groaned while I smiled sheepishly and took back my cards.

"Oh, c'mon chicka," Magnet complained, "You don't even have to cheat, and you still cheat."

"Whatever," I said with a sigh. I put down the three Jacks again, "Three - uh - fours."

"Cheat."

I took the cards back again.

"Dude, just don't cheat!" X-Ray exclaimed.

"Dude, just don't accuse me!" I mimicked him, and chucked the Jacks down again, "Three sixes!"

Since I chucked them, they kinda flipped over and revealed themselves.

"Oops," I smiled thinly and quickly snatched them back, "Sorry, sorry..."

Everyone groaned.

What are we doing? We're playing Cheat. It's a ton of fun, but I can't seem to be able to cheat without one of them knowing I'm cheating. It's so annoying. The best cheaters are Pit and X-Ray. The worst is... well, me.

In the end, I decided to play truthfully and the game continued. The best part was when everyone was sick of accusing each other of cheating, since that meant having to restart the pile.

"One seven."

"One eight."

"One nine."

"One eight."

"One seven."

"One six."

"One seven."

"One eight."

"Eight."

"Nine."

"Ten."

Oh yes, there are like six tens and six eights in a deck of cards. It was so obvious someone was cheating, but no one could be bothered to accuse anyone, and you couldn't be sure anyway, because someone before may have cheated and maybe this time they were actually telling the truth.

We never finished the game because I gave up and chucked my cards in the pile, which made everyone throw the cards down too. We were lounging around the Warden's living room, and we turned on the television. We tried shooting gummi bears into Armpit's mouth, then we fought over what DVD to watch.

They wanted violence and blood and guts.

I wanted some lovely romance comedy.

I won, of course, 'cause I'm so great and all. Or maybe it's just the fact that I reached the DVD player first and shoved in my DVD before the boys could say, "puppet".

Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, the many insults boys can whirl at an innocent, unsuspecting chick flick in just ten minutes.

"Whoa, boring beginning."

"Everyone knows Paramount Pictures suck."

"Kate Winslet is ug-a-lee."

"Dude, that dude needs a nose job."

"No way man, if he had to fix one thing about himself, it would be his ears."

"What's wrong with his ears?"

"Can't you see? They, like, stick out a bit..."

"Oooooooooh, yeeeeaaaaaaahhhh."

I clenched my teeth and steeled myself against the horrible, horrible PAIN of watching a lovely girly movie with juvenile boys. BOYS! I need my girl friends. Take note of the girl.

Oh howdy doo dee, come over here Claudy-waudy... please?

"I need girls!" I shrieked out when Squid crossed the line of Insulting Hot Actors.

(whimpers) He said Chad Michael Murray would look better with his hair shaved off. Meaning BALD! Oh my goodness, Chad Michael Murray and monk culture do not mix!

Silence proceeded my last statement.

"...you need girls?" repeated Zero in a whisper.

I nodded tearfully, "You guys - " I pointed a shaking finger at Them, "Are much too mean to be human..." Then it hit me.

They're animals in disguise.

Looking around quickly, I matched them up with their identities almost instantly.

Squid: gorilla. (Don't ask why.)

X-Ray: fish. (Ditto.)

Armpit: guinea pig... without the guinea. (Need I explain?)

Magnet: dog. (Well, he's certainly able to communicate with them.)

Zero: mouse/rabbit. (He nibbles on food, and he's so small and quiet.)

Caveman: turtle/elephant. (Slowly and steady wins the race... and also, he has a certain fondness for peanuts.)

Zigzag: giraffe. (Don't ask... even I dunno. Might be because of his tallness and neck, though.)

And then I realised something.

"Holy cow, I'm not in a correctional facility... I'm in a zoo."

"A zoo?" asked X-Ray politely.

"Moshi, moshi..." muttered Magnet, "I wish we were in a zoo."

"Hey, 'lil gal? You have nice hair."

"I reckon, hey? It's like... so soft and shiny."

"What shampoo do you use?"

"It's conditioner, not shampoo, that makes the hair pretty."

"Yeah, but shampoo cleanses the hair, which helps make it pretty. You can't have dirty hair that's pretty, can you?"

"But you can't have just plain clean hair. It wouldn't be pretty enough."

I was busy staring at Squid to realise that they (yet again) were about to debate about something really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really stupid.

And they are so daft.

Everyone knows I use Pantene.

And anyhow - wait.

Why am I still staring at Squid?

And why was I looking at him in the first place?

Because, my stupid deranged child, you like -

Oh, don't be outrageous. Of course I don't have a crush on him.

Actually, I was gonna say you like pudding. But this is much more interesting. So...

Wait a minute, you're not eating pudding at the moment, are you?

...Err...

Wow, I didn't know consciences ate pudding.

Whatever, we aren't talking about pudding!

Are too. You're the one who brought up the subject.

Did not.

Did too.

Did not.

Did too.

Nuh uh.

Yuh uh.

Nuh uh.

Yuh uh.

Oh, you're immature. Why don't you go and eat some -

"Lunch!" the Warden woman said brightly, coming into the room with six boxes of pizza (whoa) and a small paper bag of garlic bread.

"Coke!" came Mr. Pendanski cheerfully, bouncing in with two huge bottles of Coke.

"Much needed stuffs!" Mr. Sir barked in an almost happy way, walking in with plastic cups and plates, as well as napkins (serviettes, for all you fancy pants out there.)

Painful flashback of when I ate a napkin for lunch because mum forgot to pack my peanut butter-and-jam sandwich.

Though Claude was nice enough to give me her pears-in-raspberry jelly.

You know, those napkin bits may still be floating around somewhere in my stomach. Instinctively, I looked down at my stomach and imagined how cool it would be if I could see inside it.

...At any rate, I'm still glad I can't see through it.

The boys (their shampoo-and-conditioner argument forgotten) scrambled forward to dig into the pizza, which looked increasingly, incredibly and inevitably appetizing.

Not.

I'm pretty sure that piece of information was on that form all about me. Among the "dislikes: bug spray, Paris Hilton, school, pizza."

It was written bright and clear!

The Three Musketeers (Mr. Sir, Pendanski and the WW) left after they wished us a merry lunch, which gave me an idea. A wonderful one. It's a bit like Secret Santa, but it's called Angel, and you can play it whenever. Besides, there are no gifts involved.

You just have to be extra nice to this person without them knowing that you're being extra nice to them, which may lead you to having to be nice to everyone so they don't know you have them.

I know that that just made absolutely no sense, but the pizza fumes are making me woozy.

...I think I'm about to faint, and Squid can catch me before I hit the floor.

How perfectly romantic.

I slapped myself.

(Mentally.)

How silly of me to think of such a thing!

Wait… what is this new awakening? Rising… blossoming… in heart… warm… fuzzy? …Strange… but pleasant… desire to look at Squid… growing… growing…

I stole another glance at him.

Okay, so what if he's cute?

Totally! He's loud, insensitive and selfish, too!

You are being too harsh. He may be loud, but you know he's not insensitive and selfish. ADMIT IT!

Oh… KAY. Dang it.

Tch. I hate my conscience sometimes. But she's right. (The mongrel.) Squid… cares a lot about his friends. He sticks up for them. He took care of his mother, even though she didn't deserve it. And he carried me back to my tent when I fell into that hole.

Oh, no. Emotions teetering on dangerous waters… am falling closer to a revelation – must stop it – NOOO!

Nonono.

I don't. Not in that way. Never. Cannot. Possible not. Eurgh. Why is combating this so hard? FIGHT, ANDII, FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

At any rate, he definitely does NOT feel that way. Whatever that way is. Heh.

And I just plain cannot.

He's... he's a delinquent! Lower-class - it would degrade me. And... as much as I pretend I don't, I belong to the high-class people. I'm just another rich kid from Palmoilin "Diamondville". I can't change that. Can I?

JUST EAT SOMETHING ALREADY!

I walked over and took a bit of garlic bread while the boys swung their arms around each other, swaying side to side and loudly belting out some sort of obscure war cry.

Deciding to keep my mouth shut, I downed some coke and swallowed the tasty bread.

After lunch, we played Twister. (EVIL GRIN.)

"OW, OW, OW! THIS POSITION IS EXCEEDINGLY WRONG!" Armpit bellowed. I craned my neck and almost screamed aloud when I saw where he... was.

"Okay," Zero gave a snort of laughter when he saw Armpit and turned away, stuffing his fist into his mouth to stop himself from snickering, "Andii, right hand to blue."

"Nooo!" I groaned, figuring that this was move was quite literally impossible.

"C'mon 'lil girl," encouraged Squid, "You can do it!"

"Yeah, we believe in you."

"Have faith in yourself!"

I grinned at their random spasms of... encouragement, and shifted as I lifted my right hand -

THUD.

I screamed as I collapsed, pushing Magnet and Squid over and causing them to knock into Armpit. The room was filled with yells and shouts as everyone got tangled in a heap.

With me at the very bottom.

Being crushed by a couple of growing boys isn't that wonderful.

Did you know that?

I steeled myself against the pain, hoping that by the time I'm eighty-four I would've developed back my figure, which I lost at the tender age of fourteen when I turned into a pancake at a place called Camp Green Lake because I played Twister and some boys decided to fall on me.

No biggie.

"Holy moly, get off her you guys!" Zero exclaimed.

Finally, the Voice of Sanity.

One by one, the weight on me became considerably lighter and it was great when I saw light again. Groaning, I looked up at the ceiling.

Then Squid's face loomed over me.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Uhh...yeah?" I muttered, a bit confused, "I think... I think my brain's a lot slimmer."

"Well, fat brains aren't for everyone!" conceded Zigzag.

They all chuckled as I checked my ribs. Miraculously in tact. Squid grinned at me and offered his hand, which I took after a split second's hesitation. He pulled me up but suddenly let go, and I screamed as I swayed. At that last minute he caught me again.

Squid was laughing as I clung to him in sheer terror.

"Whoops," he said soberly. I gave him the Evil Eye. He raised an eyebrow back, "What's the matter, 'lil girl?"

"Don't do that again!" I ordered, elbowing him in the stomach. He gasped and doubled over, clutching his stomach. I smiled victoriously, "Serves you right!"

Squid didn't say anything; just moaned as he sunk to the floor, still holding his stomach.

I frowned at him, "Cut it out. I know you're just pretending."

"I'm not," Squid lamented pitifully, head still bent down. "I'm winded for life..."

Oh, no. What if I had mortally wounded him?

"Really?" I said tentatively, crouching down slightly to look at him. "...Squid? I'm serious, are you okay?" Biting my lip, I stood up and held out my hand. "If you take my hand that means you forgive me."

Apologising without saying sorry. I rule!

Squid lifted his head and reached out for my hand. But instead of pulling himself up, he yanked me down so that I shrieked and fell into his lap.

"Ugh, you!" I complained, shoving him away while my cheeks fought valiantly against rushing blood cells.

He laughed again, his hands wrapping around my waist and his chin resting on my shoulder. "As if you could hurt me, 'lil girl," he said passively. "I'm made of iron."

Inwardly, I told my heart to slow down despite the calming, peaceful feeling that washed over me at his embrace. I turned my head so that our noses were inches apart and scoffed, "Oh really?"

A grin crossed his face and he bumped his forehead against mine. "Really," he said solemnly. I couldn't help smiling back at him. It was such a Kodak moment...

"Oi, you two lovebirds, you gonna play or what?"

...ruined by the fabulous Magnet.

Blushing, I stood up, offered my hand to Squid, which he took with equal shyness and pulled himself up.

During our first game of Monopoly (starting only when they stopped fighting over who got to be the shoe and who got to be the iron), the boys passed around a bottle of ginger beer and emptied it before starting another one. I was itching to ask why they didn't just all get their own bottle, but then guys don't seem to mind passing around their saliva and germs. Must be a mark of their comradeship. If you exchange spit, then you're tight!

Yeah.

Boys.

After Magnet had been in jail five times and Zero was slowly bankrupting us, Squid made a mad dash for the restroom and the rest of us waited for him, stretching and chit-chatting and plotting against the tyrannical Zero.

Then all of a sudden, the D-tent guys were silent. They turned to me with serious looks on their faces. Since this sort of thing happened, like, never, I felt a little concerned.

"What?" I asked. "Let me guess - broccoli on my teeth, or a huge pimple?" Did I put on make-up like Samara again and forget?

" 'Lil girl, we have some very important questions to ask you," X-Ray said calmly.

Suddenly I felt very, very scared.

A/N: Forgive me with the bagging out of Paramount Pictures and Kate Winslet. I have nothing against them. I don't even know who Kate Winslet is. Her name was the first to come up to my mind. As for Paris Hilton, I remain disdainful of her. And pizza? It's okay... I guess.

I can't exactly remember how you play Twister, so forgive me if I did something wrong.

Okay, next chapter will be from Squiddy's POV. :) Hehe. And don't worry, I have the ending all planned out... so yup! Yay, end of school! (cheers) But I'm gonna be in year nine next year! How... SCARY! Anywho, I probably won't update 'till next year (haha, got you there! It's not that far away!) so MERRY, MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! - msq.