Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

A TRIBUTE TO THOSE SUFFERING FROM THE TSUNAMI DISASTER.

The Inspection Of CGL

Chapter Twenty ll Love Among The Granny Panties (& Squid's Bladder Problem)

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SQUID'S POV.

There's nothing better than relieving yourself.

That's going to be the first line of my autobiography: Magical Me.

Haha, what a lame name.

No one in their right mind would title their autobiography Magical Me.

Excuse me while I have my moment spout of laughter.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't get why some people find it gross when you shout gaily, "Just off to go urinate!". It's nature. If you didn't go urinate every, say, once a week, you could cause your ribs some serious damage!

Or is it your kidneys?

Meh.

I skipped merrily out of the Warden's pretty bathroom, stopped when I realised I hadn't washed my hands, wheeled around, skipped back in, turned on the tap, belted the words to "I'm walking on sunshine" loudly as I soaped up my hands and washed them vigorously, then wiped my hands and skipped back out.

A great adventure, 'twas.

I wandered down the shiny wooden hallway, peeking into the rooms. From what I saw, I figured there were two bedrooms and a bathroom (by way of the hallway), which then led off to the main living room, which then had a doorway to the kitchen. (As well as the front door to the OUTSIDE.)

I was about to walk into the living room when suddenly Caveman leapt like a cranked-up reindeer and landed heavily right in front of me.

"DON'T GO NO FURTHER!" he shouted, jumping from one foot to the other while waving his hands to push me away, "DANGER'S AHEAD!"

I screamed.

Like, literally screamed.

"Holy heck," Caveman squinted at me and covered his ears, "...How'd you reach that note? Were you a soprano in the choir or something?"

"I'm not here to give you music lessons," I said haughtily, trying to push past him. Then I paused, "How much you willing to pay?"

"I'll convince Andii to ask you out," Caveman grinned in this evil way.

Argh. Woe to me to release the pithy knowledge that I am, currently, crushing on that girl.

THAT GIRL.

That girl was a one time teenage drama queen! A hot tough everyday wannabe! Something, something, something, something - sorry. Had to burst into my singing. I have a wonderful voice.

And I hate Lindsay Lohan.

But we aren't talking about her. We are talking about -

What were we talking about?

Oh yeah.

Let me repeat.

Argh. Woe to me to release the pithy knowledge that I am, currently, crushing on that girl...

Grah. I didn't tell anyone. In fact, I didn't even know. Until they decided to lock her with that guy in that tent which makes me above all THAT angry.

Curse you, fate.

"Caveman," I said slowly, drawing out my non-existent London accent, "What makes you think she'll listen to you?"

You're such a rehab, everyone knows Caveman and Zero are the only ones from D-tent the 'lil girl actually takes seriously.

Oh, shush.

"Squid, you aren't stupid," Caveman looked at me and seemed to re-think the situation, "Well, at least I think you aren't. So anyway, turn around one-eighty degrees and start walking. C'mon, get to it."

He pushed me back.

"Huh?" I said, confused.

"I said, danger's ahead!" Caveman said irritably, "You can't go back into the living room! Not until I say so!"

"But - why?" I spluttered.

I, SquidDaBomb, was spluttering.

"Someone slap me."

"Um - ah - if you insist," said Caveman gleefully. His palm came in contact with my cheek.

SLAP.

"Ow - thank you," I murmured, rubbing my probably reddening cheek, "So why can't I go in?"

"Because," Caveman rolled his eyes, "There's danger ahead. Argh. Which way to the john?"

I pointed to the direction I had just come from, and he said thanks and wandered off.

Great.

He hasn't told me whether or not I can enter the Dangerfied Living Room of Dangerous Dangers.

If I do enter it, and there is danger, I could die. DIE! And people will be weeping at my funeral, laden down with assorted roses.

If I don't enter it, and there isn't danger, I'll look like a fool and forever the seemingly nice Caveman will hold it as a grudge over my head till the day I die. And people will be weeping at my funeral, laden down with assorted roses.

Either way, life ends with different coloured roses.

Great.

Juuuuuuuust great.

Greatly diddly ate.

"...well, why would I tell you anyway?" I heard an exasperated yet embarrassed 'lil girl say.

"C'mon 'lil gal," X-Ray said sternly, "Just tell us whether or not you like him."

Him?

Him?

HIM?

WHO IS THIS HIM?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I swear I was going to break down and start crying.

Thy shall die of a broken heart, and thy funeral shall accustom the company of assorted roses.

Yes, I do like roses.

"Ummm..." the 'lil girl was stalling.

She was stalling!

That had to be good, right?

My broken heart pieces were slowly coming together...

I was leaning against the wall, trying to eavesdrop with my very prominent ears. I felt like an undercover cop.

The name's Bond. Squid Bond.

Wasn't he a spy - ?

Oh, shush.

"...he's... look, I don't know!" the 'lil girl burst out. She seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

JUST SAY NO! YOUR HEART DOESN'T BELONG TO THIS RANDOM! At least I hope it doesn't.

Sigh. Why must I like the girl who doesn't know the difference between cabbage and lettuce?

"How could you not know?" asked a disbelieving Armpit.

"It's the chicka, what do you expect?" Magnet cracked.

Excellent point, really.

It was at that precise moment I realised I could see myself in the wall opposite me.

No, I'm not going crazy.

There was a mirror.

Now, there's something you should know about me. I'm kinda vain.

You are the sexist, most dashing, handsome, gorgeous boy ever, I told my reflection fondly.

Only kinda vain.

You know, some girls don't like vanity in boys. They think they're arrogant and they hate them for it. The 'lil girl seems to strike us as that sort of person.

What, you're telling me to throw away my vanity?

No, just STOP KISSING THE MIRROR!

I'm not kissing the mirror, who's telling you such fibs?

I edged away from the mirror, blowing a kiss at my reflection in the process. See ya later, daaaaaahhhling.

I was going to resume eavesdropping when an evil, sinister voice spoke in the back of my head.

Just admire yourself, Squid. There's no sin in that, surely. Self-esteem prompting, that's what it is!

Well... I am quite handsome and my hair does need a bit of re-doing... I edged closer to the mirror.

Good grief, is that a grey hair?

THE 'LIL GIRL WILL HATE YOU FOREVER! screamed another voice in my head, STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF! YOU ARE SO SELF-CENTERED!

"Shut up," I groaned, trying to maintain peace in my mind.

You'd do anything for "her", right?

I guess.

Great. Get me some pudding.

Pudding? Didn't know minds ate pudding. I said I'd do anything for her, not you, Mr. "Squid-Thinks-He's-Too-Handsome-Even-Though-It's-The-Plain-Truth".

You're evil and I'm going to slap you in a moment.

Yeah? Bring it on, biatch. I'm going to kiss my reflection and I don't give a follicle what you say.

DON'T YOU DARE! (SLAP!)

Ow. That actually hurt. How'd you do that?

Man, you are sad. You're talking to yourself. (Eats pudding.) I wouldn't be surprised if she hates you just because you're weird and eat pudding. I mean, you're weird and talk to yourself. GoodBYE. I am no longer your BRAIN.

Hello, I am your brain's replacement.

What the heeby-jeebies?

I shrugged at the mass debate in my mind and continued my everyday pursuits, which includes checking myself in the mirror.

NOOO, I MUST NOT LOSE TO MY POMPOSITY, SELF-ADMIRATION, EGOTISM! I will fight you single handedly! I challenge thee to a duel, TO THE DEATH!

I'm back as I'm out of pudding. I'm glad you're fighting your vanity. Just for that, you deserve another slap. (SLAP.)

STOP THAT!

You, my dog, are superlicious.

I'm delicious?

Sorry, I meant supercilious. Means the same as vain and pompous.

I am not those things. I am modest and un-conceited.

I could hear my mind snort.

Yeah, right, you swellheaded, insolent, boastful, pampered parrot.

Okay, I had to admit defeat. But not just now. It's not fair when my brain has a stored thesaurus somewhere up there. It's not fair I can't access it even though I am in control of my head and actions and stuff.

It's not fair my brain's smarter than me, the person who OWNS the brain.

YOU'RE MEAN! GO AWAY! I yelled at it.

I had a deadly struggle with it while I stomped around and made little squawking noises and tried to sneeze my organs out.

"ARGH!" I yelled as I tripped and stumbled, thus crashing into the living room where everyone but Caveman was. Oops, I forgot I was supposed to be eavesdropping on them.

They stopped talking to gawk, ogle and rubberneck at me.

Ah, the return of the thesaurus.

"Are... are you all right, Squid?" X-Ray asked, his eyes wide.

"I - uh," I coughed loudly and hoped that, maybe, this time, my brain had came out of my head, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Except that you might have Fairy Tale Disease.

I do not believe in that anymore.

"Where's Caveman?" X-Ray asked me, frowning. I noted the 'lil girl was blushing like a cute tomato, "He was supposed to not let you in here."

"Yeah, he said there was danger," I shrugged, "I didn't mean to come in, I tripped and fell." Like a great charming prince, I might add.

"Smart one," Magnet sniggered.

I angry-stared at him. (Again; the thesaurus.)

"Well, now that the whole questioning's over," Zig said brightly, and everyone glared at him, except for me as I was still maintaining a very sexy pose on the floor, "Let's play a game. Actually, it's a race. Like the three-legged race, but with an amazingly great twist!"

"And what's that?" Armpit asked bluntly.

"Ta-da!" Zigzag produced a huge, bloated, black garbage bag.

Caveman returned, "Hey everyone, what did I miss?"

"Lots, sit down," Zero said, yanking him onto the couch.

"Behold everyone... this!" Zig pulled open the bag and we all shrieked like girls.

"It's underwear!" the 'lil girl screamed, looking mortified.

"It's big, floppy, panties!" Magnet whooped with a gasp.

"They're grandma undies," gasped Caveman, looking utterly disturbed. I don't blame ya.

I blinked several times.

Everyone looked at the surprisingly proud Zigzag.

"What the heck are you playing at?" X-Ray finally asked.

"Hey, I told you, we're playing the three-legged race. We don't need to tie our legs together, though, 'cos we just have to fit one foot into one hole of the underwear, and the other person can put their foot in the other hole."

"It's... interesting," Caveman slowly said.

Armpit actually looked enthusiastic, "Then let's start!"

By some miracle, we were all convinced to have three-legged races with grandma panties. And they're worse than we all thought. They were HUMONGOUS! GREAT, BIG, MACHO, FLOPPY UNDIES! Flowery, too.

I'm not surprised if Zero or the 'lil girl are officially scarred for life.

The races were all right. At first, we were all "ewy-like", but then we started laughing and really getting into the game. Everyone started wanting to win and we actually competed properly. Andii and Armpit won overall, which is really shocking, cos he's like double the size of her.

We all demanded a rematch, saying they had cheated, but it was all just jokes. (I think I was becoming jealous of Armpit, actually.)

"Yeah, whatever," she said, grinning at us, "You're just jealous that we won! Haha!" she high-fived Armpit and the two cheered. We all laughed at them.

It had been a great day. Zig and I were still mucking around, having a tug-o-war with the underwear, and Caveman and Magnet were pretending to be superheroes as they ran around with underwear on their heads.

It was then it happened.

Andii and Armpit were both breathless from laughter as they hopped forward, bound together by the absolutely disturbing grandma underwear which I have yet to realise exactly how Zig got a hold of an entire bag of them, when suddenly they fell forward.

Armpit fell flat on his face, but the 'lil girl who still managed to keep her balance stumbled forward some more. Her foot caught on the coffee table and she shrieked as she fell down, smashing the glass cabinet with her head.

Ouch.

This can't be good.

"Holy crap!" yelled X-Ray, looking panicked for once. He ran forward as the glass shattered.

Magnet said something highly lethal in Spanish and Zig's eyes were as round as the full moon.

I didn't know what to feel. I just stared as she collapsed onto the floor.

She was unconscious.

"Crap, she's bleeding!" Zig yelled.

Dear Lord, please let it not be true. I will give you my rubber octopus if you let her be all right.

PUH-LEEEAAASE!

I dared to glance down at her form, and realised little trickles of blood were surrounding her head.

I felt sick.

"Someone get the Warden," I heard myself croak. They all looked at me.

"Get her!" this time, I yelled. I felt so scared and insecure, like how I usually felt when I saw my mum puking all over the bathroom floor.

Magnet nodded at me and ran out of the cabin.

Armpit slowly got up, untangling himself.

"What happened? Oh, sh..." his voice tailed away as he stared at Andii, "Is she okay?"

No one answered his highly stupid question. I immediately ran forward and kneeled down. Slowly, I lifted her head so that she was facing me. The blood was coming from this huge scar on her face and her eyes were tightly shut.

I had no idea what to do.

I was trembling as I brushed away a few glass bits from her hair. The blood was trickling down into the palm of my hand.

The Warden burst into the cabin with Mum and Mr. Sir at that moment. Magnet was close behind, panting.

"Oh, merciful goodness," were her words before rushing towards me and Andii, "What happened? Squid, help me lift her up." Still trembling, I helped her carry Andii to the leather couch.

"Armpit, Zero, clean up the blood, please," she ordered, her voice shaking, "Caveman and Zigzag and X-Ray, start clearing up the glass. Magnet, you can stay still. Pendanski, you know what to do?"

"Yes, ma'am," Pendanski moved forward to Andii.

What the crap?

"Alan, please move," he said, as I was standing right in front of her.

"Don't worry, Squid. He's a doctor," the Warden told me, supposedly trying to reassure me.

"What?" I said, raising my eyebrows. There was no way I was going to believe that, "No! She needs a real doctor!"

"Alan, I am a real doctor. Just undercover," he smiled calmly at me and I wanted to punch his face in. I didn't move out of the way. I crossed my arms and glared at him.

"I'm not letting you touch her."

"Squid, I know she means a lot to you, but if you want her to live then I suggest you let him check her over," the Warden snapped.

"C'mon, man," X-Ray told me in a low voice, taking my arm and dragging me out of the way.

I shut my eyes as I let X pull me away.

He better not hurt her anymore, that stupid phony "doctor".

The Warden watched for a moment, then she gave Mr. Sir a meaningful glance. He caught on right away.

"Alright, Lou. D-tent, get out of here now and come with me to the office," he ordered.

"Squid, you can stay," the Warden said quickly, just as I opened my mouth to protest, "Please, Squid, just sit."

D-tent looked at me and I nodded at them as they walked out.

She better be okay...

Pendanksi was cleaning up the blood on her face and he was smoothing some cream over the very long scar.

"Doesn't she need stitches?" I asked rather rudely when I saw him take out a bandage.

"Well," the Warden answered for him in something of a hurry, "For stitches we'd need to take her to hospital, which we'd like to avoid at all costs. Too much fuss, really. We'll see how the bandage goes, and if that fails, we'll call the hospital, okay?"

I just nodded mutely.

The "doctor" inspected her after covering up the scar on Andii's face.

"Oh, no," Pendanski moaned.

That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

"What?" the Warden and I said at the same time. I snapped, while she sounded really anxious.

"I think she has a broken ankle."

"You think?" I almost shouted, leaping to my feet.

"Squid," the Warden stood up as well, "Sit down."

I glared at her and she glared back.

Oooh, tough guy, huh?

Finally, I gave up and slumped back down. I put my head in my hands.

If anything happens to her... I...

My throat tightened and felt like it was going to explode.

I didn't realise how much she meant to me.

I knew I liked her... but...

This is just scary.

I lifted my head slowly and found my vision blurry. I looked at Andii. Her eyes were shut. She had that huge bandage on the left side of her cheek. There was blood on her shirt and some had dried in her hair.

"Yeah, it's definitely swollen," Pendanski was saying, inspecting her ankle.

I swallowed back a, "Then do something about it, moron."

I watched as he bandaged up her ankle with the Warden assisting him. When they were finally done, I ventured to talk.

"When'll she wake up?" my mouth felt like it was coated with sand.

"I don't know, Alan," replied Pendanksi as he shut the first aid kit, then he turned to the Warden, "Lou, we can't move her so she'll have to stay immobilised for now."

"That's fine," the Warden said quickly, "She can stay in my cabin for the night." She looked out the window, "The sky's darkening, you better get to the kitchen to help set up for dinner. And tell your group they're not to venture to my cabin to see the girl."

I stared at her, wondering what she meant by that.

After Pendanski had walked out, the Warden turned to me and attempted to smile. I could see that she was clearly under a lot of pressure.

"Are you going to tell her family?" I asked her, folding my arms. I knew telling someone's parents, especially someone born into such a high-class family, would be extremely frightening.

"No, I don't want to worry them," she narrowed her eyes at me, as if expecting me to argue with her.

I didn't bother. I just sort of nodded and looked back at Andii.

"Squid, you should take a shower and go to dinner."

I shook my head at once, "I'm not leaving until she wakes up," I said stubbornly.

The Warden looked at me with piercing grey eyes. Sighing, she stood up and said, "All right, you may stay until she wakes up. But come and tell me when she does, all right? If you're hungry, there's food in the kitchen. Help yourself. I need to help out at the Mess Hall, excuse me." Maybe she's not so bad after all.

She walked out of her cabin, closing the door after her.

I let out a deep breath when she was gone.

There were so many things I had dreamt of doing if I was ever shut up alone in the Warden's cabin.

But I felt no desire to do them at the moment. (Some of my "must do's" had been to try on some of her clothes. I always wondered what I'd look like if I went drag.)

I looked at the 'lil girl again.

Man, I just wanted her to wake up and start doing the chicken dance. Her face was all pale. Slowly, I took her hand. It was deathly cold.

My mind raced to conclusions.

I immediately leant forward and positioned my ear in front of her nose.

...Good, she's still breathing.

Now what can I do to pass the time?

I counted lizards and eventually drifted off to sleep. It seemed like I had only dozed off for a second when I jerked wide awake, as though I had done something highly offensive.

Does sleeping when you're supposed to be looking after a suffering girl count as offensive?

I hope not.

And then her brown eyes opened.

" 'Lil girl!" I exclaimed softly.

Andii struggled for a moment. She frowned at me and then moaned in pain.

"My cheek hurts," she whined.

Great, she definitely is back.

"You scratched it pretty bad," I said, weak with relief.

She bit her lip for a moment and put her head back down. Her eyes fluttered shut, "I feel so tired... and..."

"I better go get the Warden," I said loudly, standing up.

Her eyes instantly opened. To my utter amazement, she grabbed my hand weakly. Hers was still cold.

"Don't go," she whimpered.

Huh?

"What?" I said, barely able to believe my ears.

"Don't leave..." she whispered, her eyes fluttering shut again, "I don't want you to... please... stay..." her breathing was becoming heavier. I thought she was asleep again, but then she whispered painfully, "Don't leave me..."

Well, what was I supposed to do?

I couldn't very well just leave her here if she obviously doesn't want me to go. And I can just pretend that she never woke up, if the Warden even asks. (Ha, score for me! She doesn't want me to leave! Yay! YAY! Hahaha. Haaaaaaaaa. Okay. Rant. Is. OVER.)

I tried tugging my hand out of her grasp, but she was holding on rather tightly.

It's not like I didn't want to hold her hand, but I... I need to go... to... the bathroom.

"Hey, 'lil girl?" I said tentatively, trying to pull my hand away. She didn't reply.

She was in a deeeeeep, deeeeeeeeeeep slumber.

I thought for a moment as I tried to figure out what to do to make her release me.

If I tickle her, most likely she will release me. However, the side-effects of this may include: lots of screaming/yelling, a string of substitute cuss words, mild violence.

And I didn't wanna disturb her from her deeeeeeep slumber.

I just need to go to the bathroom.

Is that so terrible?

If not, why won't she let go of my hand?

If she wakes up and finds a puddle of urine, it'll be all her fault.

Finally, I shut myself up and just sat there, staring at her. She's so pretty. You don't realise it at first, though. The first time I saw her she was just this short little girl with an innocent face and really fancy clothes. She was more plain at that time. Hazel eyes and brown hair.

Gaaaaaah, this is pure insanity.

Sometimes, I still can't believe I like her. Actually like her. Errrgh.

I cursed myself for turning into mush.

Mushity mush, but still mush. I hate mush. It's so mushy.

Aha! She's slowly releasing my hand. Gratefully, I slowly pulled it out of her grasp. Then I was about to run, squawking to the bathroom, when I took another good look at her.

Slowly, a wry smile spread across my face.

"Sweet dreams, Andii," I muttered as I bent down and kissed her swiftly on the cheek.

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A/N: AWWW! I love Squid, he's so sweet and insane...

(sigh) Isn't Holes such a brilliant book? I remember when I was at the tender age of ten, our librarian recommended it to us... But I thought the book cover looked too dull and decided not to read it. LOL. Then when I was at the tender age of eleven, my friend (Veggie!) told us to read it 'cause it was good. This was when the movie just came out, and she decided to read it again to refresh her memory before she went to see it. Since so many people were talkin' about it, I decided to give it a shot.

It was an okay book. I loved how everything fitted together, but it wasn't one of my favourites.

THEN when I was at the tender age of twelve, my English teacher decided to study it. And we had to read it again. And then after the class had finished reading it, we watched the movie.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT AND DROVE MY FRIENDS INSANE BY TALKING ABOUT IT 24/7.

It's odd how I fell in love with the book after watching the movie. Actually, I fell in love with Zero. Hehe... I guess I am pretty shallow. But after that, I started to appreciate the book a whole lot more.

Anywho, sorry about that outburst. Just taking time to reflect how much I love dear Holes. Ooh, it just occurred to me that I hardly put in credit, like bits I may have taken out of movies and songs that Squid sings. Yeah, that's because when I finish this story, there's going to a 'Credits Chapter' where I will credit everything that I do not own. Also, I'm going to add things that may have inspired parts or all of this story. So yeah. :)

Squid's vanity idea was taken from Mademosielle Maxwell's His Habit for Surprises. A lovely story that you simply must read if you adore HP L/J humor/romance fics. So I completely disclaim that idea. (About the vainness and the whole do-rag.) THANKS JULZ. :) (hands over Finding Neverland DVD even though she doesn't even own it)

Please read "These Kids" (formerly Too Late Now) by me. I posted Magnet's father's chapter up, so please read and review. :) And vote! Lol. Thank you!

Anywho, Squid seemed more "normal" in the second half of the chapter. Well that's what happens when you're scared out of your mind and feel like being serious for once, lol. And I seriously need to go, because this chapter was way too long and I'm afraid this file's too big to load! AHH! THANKS FOR REVIEWING, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! (yay 338 reviews and NOT ONE SINGLE FLAME!) - msq.