A/N: sorry its been a while between posting, my beta has been sick and RL has gotten in the way but I understand she's great. So here's the next part with two more in the wings waiting to be betaed so enjoy.

part 20

I can hear myself breathing.

I feel my chest move up and down. That's a good sign.

Breathing on my own with no help from machinery is a plus in my book.

It smells sterile and without opening my eyes I know I am in the infirmary.

The next thing I hear is machinery monitoring my heart beat and other stuff too complicated to think of.

My eyes will not cooperate, they don't want to open. Telling me it's still not time to wake.

I fight to regain consciousness, but it is futile.

I feel so tired but I'm sure there are things I need to do and as soon as my brain starts to function again it will tell me what they are.

I feel a hand holding mine.

It's small.

Carter?

Sam?

No, it's too small. I know what Sam's hand feels like and this isn't it. I need to open my eyes and see where Sam is. She should be by my side. It is an unwritten rule between us. We never leave each other's side when one of us is confined to the infirmary.

My mind is awake now, processing the last things that I can remember.

Sam screaming my name, Sam alive, Sam almost raped, Ba'al dead for almost raping Sam, Teal'c to the rescue, running to the gate, gliders almost stopping us, ship exploding and Sam in danger.

Sam in danger?

Oh no, that's why she isn't here! I failed, I didn't save her, that bitch shot her.

I need to wake up.

I need to find Sam. I need to make sure she's safe.

I hear the machines around me start to sound erratic. My heart is pounding and it shows.

The hand that's in mine is squeezing it and another hand is caressing my forehead.

Why won't this sleep let me go? I have to get up, I need to get up, but it won't let me open my eyes.

I moan out, but I only hear a whimper and then a gasp.

"Colonel Jack? Are you awake?"

I start to thrash. That's not Sam's voice, but it's familiar. I feel arms suddenly holding me down and I try to move them aside, but they are insistent.

I push out, but the tiny hand in mine refuses to let go.

I hear whispering in my ear.

"Please don't fight, Colonel Jack; we don't want you to be hurt again. Uncle Jacob just fixed you. You've got to stay calm, you've got to wake up. Come on, Colonel Jack, she needs you."

I stop.

Those last words are all I hear.

She needs you.

I take a deep breath and start to calm.

I feel pain all around me. My face aches, my chest feels heavy, but other than that I think I'm okay.

I hear familiar footsteps.

Those heels, belonging to a certain tiny doc, can be heard a mile away.

I hear her calling to me and it's a welcome sound. I hear more footsteps and I know it's Daniel and Teal'c.

"Colonel? Can you hear me? Come on, sir, I need you to open up your eyes, you have a very anxious young lady waiting for you!"

Young lady?

My eyes start to open and I feel the light attacking me. I scrunch them closed again and try to raise my hand to shield them.

I try again and they adjust. I look over to see Doc and Teal'c. I turn to my other side and see Daniel and Karina.

She's smiling at me and still has my hand in hers.

"You're awake! I know you would wake up soon, didn't I, Daniel? Now that you're awake, you can kiss Major Sam and wake her up and live happily ever after."

I stare at her, attempting to make sense of what she is saying and it dawns on me that she said 'wake her up'.

Oh god, she was hurt!

I try to get up and Doc tells me not to.

"Sam," I whisper.

Janet steps back and Teal'c pulls the curtain aside.

My heart breaks.

There she is, next to me, with tubes coming out of all places and her head bandaged heavily.

She looks bad.

I close my eyes and turn away.

I let out a ragged breath and I hold back the internal scream that is aching to be heard.

One thought is clear to me.

I have failed her.

Questions are racing through my mind. What had happened to leave her in that shape? What had that bastard done to her before I got to her?

Janet sees me start to tense up and she looks at Karina, then to Daniel.

"Karina, how about we go get Colonel Jack some Jell-o? That's his favorite and we want to make him better, right?"

I look at her and she smiles. She comes close and kisses me on my cheek.

"I'll be back, Colonel Jack, then I can tell you what you have to do. Uncle Jacob healed you and now it's your turn to heal Major Sam. So don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. I'm also going to tell my momma and poppa that you are awake. They will be so happy!"

I try to speak, but no words come out. She expects me to heal Sam?

When it was me that had failed her; that had not saved her in time that she is next to me with god knows how many tubes and machines attached to her because of me?

The little girl jumps off the chair and latches onto Daniel.

He moves close to me and whispers, "I'm glad you're awake too, Jack, I thought…"

"Danny, no, it's okay, really, go. I need to talk to doc."

He nods and Karina waves as she walks out the door.

I turn to Doc.

She is writing down stats and I grab her hand to get her attention.

She looks so tired. I wonder how much sleep she's gotten these past few days.

"Doc, what's wrong with her? Why is she all bandaged up, what happened?"

She takes a deep breath and recounts the events of the last couple of days.

I don't interrupt and don't move while she describes the surgeries we've both gone through. She tells me about my own near meeting with the big guy upstairs. She whispers about her failure to diagnose Sam, the two concussions that she had sustained and the procedure that was needed to relieve the pressure to her brain.

"I'm sorry, Sir. I should have paid closer attention to her, I should have known better with what she said in the gate room…"

She gasps and covers her mouth with her hand.

Teal'c is standing next to her and steadies her. I look at her and am about to ask what had been said in the gate room when I hear another voice.

"Janet, what did Sammy say in the gate room and why didn't you fill me in on it when I asked you the other day?"

I glance over to see Jacob trying to rise from a bed.

I am ashamed.

I have failed to keep his little girl alive and she is in that bed with a head injury because I could not keep her safe.

The guilt is all mine

I look down and find my hands very interesting.

It hits me that if Jacob is here, Sam should have been healed already.

I turn to him and Jacob looks so tired.

"Jacob, how long have you been here? Why haven't you healed Sam? Would somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?"

I am rapidly losing my temper, but then I realize.

He healed me first. I close my eyes in disbelief.

I hear Jacob getting out of his bed and coming to sit next to me.

"Janet, Teal'c, can I have a minute alone with Jack?"

They both leave and for a moment there is silence.

I look over to Sam. Why has he not healed her? Or can he not heal her? Is she so far gone that she cannot be restored to health?

I feel his hand on my shoulder and turn to face the father of the woman I love.

"Jack, I know you have a lot of questions but you've got to listen to me. I healed you first because it would have been futile to try and heal Sammy. She's had trauma to her brain and the healing device can only create so much of a miracle. Your burns were severe but healable. Selmac convinced me to heal you first. We trust Doctor Fraiser and if she says she has done all she can, that now we have to wait, I have faith that Sammy will get better. So stop blaming yourself for waking up. I know you well enough to know you don't think you deserve to be saved but we beg to differ. You're an important part of this program and you're important to all of us. Never forget that Jack."

I couldn't look at him. He was making me feel better but did he know I was to blame for Sam being in that bed, fighting for her life?

If he knew that, would he be as kind? Would he think I am as important? No, he deserves to know the truth and I deserve anything he dishes out to me as a result.

"You're wrong, Jacob. I don't deserve to be saved. You should have just let me be. I'm not worthy of your efforts. You should have saved her instead of me. I'm the reason she's in that bed, dammit!"

Jacob doesn't stir.

"Did you hear what I said? I am the reason your daughter is in a coma. I'm the reason she will never wake again. You know how I know she'll never wake? It's because I never get what I want. My luck is the worst and the one time I have something that is pure in my life, something that I can actually pin my hopes on, it gets taken from me. First my son, then my marriage and now her! God I wish I had the guts to have pulled that trigger all those years ago and maybe then she wouldn't be here!"

I have to make him hate me. I have to show him that I am not worthy of his help. All he did was ask me to watch out for his daughter and I have failed him. He should see what a mistake I am, that I'm nothing but a screw up. He should have had Hammond transfer her out of my team long ago, to someone that would have done everything in his power to keep her safe.

I turn away from him.

"I'm truly sorry, Jacob. I wish it was me instead of her. I failed her twice. I couldn't save her from Ba'al and I couldn't bring her home safe and sound. I failed her as a friend and as her CO. I don't deserve to lead a team any longer. I'll resign and get out of this before I finally kill someone."

Jacob stands and comes round to the side of the bed I am turned towards.

"Are you through with the self-pity? Are you through beating yourself up? Well if not, get it out of your system. I need you to be thinking straight when I talk to you and you will listen so that we will get this resolved."

He grips my arm and I stare at him. I'm genuinely pissed that he is not upset for my part in Sam's condition. He lets go, sits down in the chair next to me and begins to speak.

"I know you did everything in your power to keep my Sammy safe. How do I know this? Firstly, because you don't know any other way, Jack. I heard what happened in the compound. You had to witness that bastard kill her, in cold blood, in front of you. The same bastard that put you through hell, you knew what it was like to die at his hands, Jack. You knew there was nothing any of you could do. I'm sorry you went through that. Secondly, I was told how you saved her from being…from being attacked by him. It must have been a shock to have seen her since you thought she was dead. She called out to you to save her because she knew deep in her heart you were the only one that could."

I want to turn away, I don't want to hear this, I don't want to hear how I have failed her.

"Leave, Jacob. I don't want to see anyone. I want to be left alone. Wait, I need a sheet a paper, can you get that for me? I want to resign for not doing my job."

"You selfish son of a bitch! Can't you see you saved her! She would have been dead if that staff blast had hit her or if you hadn't bought time so that Teal'c could have saved both of you. Jack, I don't put any blame on you. I can't and you can't make me. You did all you could, you're not a super hero, even though it seems at times you are. Stop blaming yourself, you brought her home, she's alive and all we have to do is wait. She'll wake. I know she will. Just knowing you're alive will bring my baby back home."

Jacob doesnn't know that god loves to torment me.

That if I wanted Sam to live I will have to distance myself from her I am nothing but a curse to those I care for.

I am bad.

I am not worthy to be in the same room as my angel. I'm a tortured soul, destined to walk the earth alone, with the burden of all my past deeds and this is the wake up call that I need to step back.

I'm so tired of all of this. I want to be left alone. Everything will be okay if they just leave me alone.

All I am is trouble and my bad luck has spilt over to Carter. Not Sam any longer, Carter. The more distance I put between us the better. She doesn't need me. All I am is a loser and a loner.

I so wish that I had pulled that trigger, all those years ago.

Doc comes back and Teal'c follows. Daniel has also come back, without Karina.

I close my eyes, trying not to see the blame I know is in all of their eyes. I am the reason for their pain.

I lash out.

"Go away, all of you. I don't want to see any of you, I want to be left alone. I don't want to hear the accusations. The blame all falls on me. I am the reason she is there. You were right, Daniel, I am one selfish son of a bitch and if I would have just stayed away she would be safe, you would not have been brought back, Sha're would have lived to give you sons and daughters and Teal'c would never have…"

"Never have what, Jack? Left his service to Appohis? Been a huge part of the rebellion to free his people? What about me? General Hammond would have sent a bomb thru the gate to Abydos and killed me and everyone you cared about there. Shar'e would have been dead, as would I. Jacob would never have lived hadn't it been for us going through the gate. Cassie would have died alone on that planet, or worse, been a lab rat for Nitri. Sam would have …"

"Stayed away from the Stargate program, married a normal guy, had a normal life, hell even had a chance to go to space with NASA. She would have been able to bear children and live a long life."

Jacob came closer to me and whispered.

"What about me, Jack? I would have been dead. Me and my little girl would never had the chance to reconcile. She would blame herself for not trying and I would have died alone. Earth would have been invaded by Apohis or worse overrun by another Goa'uld. Stop it, Jack, you're not going to win this argument."

"Would you people just leave me alone?"

I'm at the end of my tether, why can't they understand I don't want their help? I want them to hate me as much as I hate myself for bringing this misery to her.

Janet moves forward and tells them that I need my rest and that they should leave me alone.

I could kiss her for understanding. Yet she blames me, I can tell. Which is good. 1 down, 3 to go.

Teal'c helps Jacob to his bed. Talking to me has wiped him out. I bet he wishes he'd never helped me now that the truth is out.

Daniel waits and I'm sick of him looking to me for answers. The bruising on his face is starting to fade. It's turned yellow and purple.

"Jack, stop beating yourself up she'll get better, you'll see. We don't blame you."

"That's just peachy, because I am to blame and once you people understand this you'll see I am not worth the effort to save. You should have let me die!"

I pick up the tray next to me and throw it across the room.

Doc gasps and Daniel jumps out of the way as it crashes against the wall by the door.

Karina screams, dropping the jell-o she's carrying and runs out of the infirmary.

"You really are a bastard at times, Jack", Daniel yells out as he runs after Karina.

I feel ashamed. I didn't want to hurt her but I had. I am a bastard.

I close my eyes and know Doc hasn't moved. Teal'c steps up, next to me and whispers in my ear.

"As much as you want to shut us out, O'Neill, it will not come to pass. We all have a bond that no words or hatred can sever. I am not proud of your behavior today, but I understand the anger you carry for not protecting Major Carter. I ask that you abstain from this tactic as it will not end well. I will not leave your side as you are my brother and I stand by you, no matter what you will say."

I turn to him.

"Leave me alone. If you're my brother then do this one last thing."

"I am sorry, O'Neill, this order I can not follow."

He leaves to find Daniel but promises to be back.

I look over at doc.

"Well, what do you have to say? I'm a Colonel, you're a Major. If I order you to leave me alone you have to do it. So leave me alone, have Dr. Warner treat me and get me the hell out of here!"

I can see the anger in her eyes. She wants to hit me, I can tell. She yanks my arm to her and takes my pulse.

"I don't have to remind you, Sir, that in the infirmary I am in charge. If you want to give me any trouble I will be more than happy to inform General Hammond of your request. Which we both know will be denied. Now stop acting like a child. Oh, and if you ever throw anything else in my infirmary, I will personally pull out all of the needles from hell that you haven't had the pleasure meeting yet. Do we understand each other?"

She's shaking as the words come out of her mouth.

I feel bad that I have hurt her. She'll be there to talk me out of my nightmares. Her voice was always my beacon to guide me back to the land of light. Doc was always the one that would fix us when we were broken. She is a friend to me and Sam

Sam.

I turn to look at her and I wonder if she will ever forgive me for failing her.

I can't hide what I feel any longer.

She squeezes my hand and I lose it.

"Why, Janet?"

She whispers back, "I don't know, Colonel, I wish I had the answers. I don't, but know this. She blamed herself for failing you. She would not let go of your hand on the ramp when Teal'c carried you through the stargate. She confessed some pretty personal things, but wasn't thinking or she wouldn't have said a lot of what she did. I should be the one apologizing, Sir. I didn't recognize that something was wrong with her. I was too concerned with you. I totally missed Sam's injuries. So if anyone is to blame for her condition it's me. I blew it. I put my friend in a coma."

She hangs her head down and her shoulders are shaking. I fight to get up close to her and pull her into a hug, making sure I don't pull out the IV that is in my hand as I try to soothe her. She grips me and whispers how she should have done this or done that and that the swelling could have been contained if she had done something sooner. I think she is just in shock due to what had happened, but then she goes on to tell me what Sam had recounted to her of her time with Ba'al.

The bile comes back and the urge to throw up is there. She pulls out of my hug and wipes the tears from her face.

"I'm glad the bastard is dead. He caused enough pain and suffering to the people I care about. If he wasn't, then I would have no problem going through that gate and exact revenge for the hurt he has caused myself."

I believe her. She would have gone through that gate and hunted Ba'al down for what he had done. Of this I am sure.

"Are you through with your tantrum? Are you going to stop pushing us away? We're not going anywhere, you're stuck with us. Sir she needs you now. Right before she lost consciousness she thought we had lost you. It was like she lost the will to fight. In her mind if you were gone, then what was the point of her living or waking? Please, Sir, you think you failed her? If you push us away, then you have failed her. So please don't shut us out."

What is she saying?

"Doc, what are you saying? She thought I was dead? Oh no. She's not responding, is she?"

Doc shakes her head, sadly.

"The swelling has gone, down but she is not responding to anything. We've tried talking to her, but she isn't responding. So do you understand now why we need you to help? Don't do it for us. Do it for her."

It's no use. I'm not going to be thrown by the wayside. My family will not allow it.

I squeeze her hand and she asks me to get some rest. She is about to pull the curtain when I ask her not to.

"I just want to keep an eye on her, if that's okay?"

She smiles and says she'll be right back. She needed to inform General Hammond that I'm awake.

I cover my face and feel my age creeping into my bones.

I'm so tired, but can't rest 'til she is awake.

I remembered everything I wanted to do after we got home. I was going to finally tell her what I had wanted to tell her that day we were separated by the force field. What I wanted to make her understand as she was dying literally in front of me during the Niirti fiasco.

There's no denying it. I'm in love with Samantha Carter and some twist of fate had brought her back to me, only to be taken away.

I long to go to her. Gather her in my arms and tell her I am here, that I will not let any other harm come to her. I want to plead with her to wake up. Tell her that she is needed by the SGC. Oh, who am I kidding? I need her. I want her to be well again. I want to see those blue eyes sparkle and that smile shine again.

I want her.

I stare at her. She is so fragile, as fragile as my heart.

Would I be able to go on if she were to be taken from me?

My Angel, I would give you all that is in me. I would trade places with you. I would never leave you. My angel, I would wait forever.

I never want to be alone again. She is my heart and my soul.

Will I be strong enough to bring her back to me?

"Jack, are you awake?"

Ah crap, my angel's father is next to me and I had forgotten. And I've been speaking out loud.

What can I say? Oops or maybe claim an alien virus has taken over my rationality.

I turn to the other bed.

"How much of that did you hear, Jacob?"

Jacob is facing me. Lying on the bed, he shifts the pillow and makes himself comfortable.

"Enough. So are we back to 'reasonable Jack O'Neill'? Because 'bastard Jack O'Neill' is someone I don't like very much and I can still kick his ass."

"Yeah, I know what you mean, Jacob. I hate him as well, he's an ass, but he usually gets surpassed by 'self-pity Jack O'Neill' or 'self-destructing Jack O'Neill'."

Jacob snorts.

"Yeah, I know them well, Jack, met them once. They take over, then there is no stopping them. They don't care who they hurt and it's hard to mend the fences once they take over"

I look at the door and moan.

"Yeah, I know. I screwed up, Jacob. I scared that poor little girl and all she was doing was helping. Danny is right, I am a bastard."

"I have a couple of choice words for you too, but I'm too tired to fling them at you. God Jack, you're imploding. How they put up with you I'll never know and how my daughter ever fell in love with you is a mystery to me."

I'm about to answer when what he has just said hits me.

Fell in love with me?

Oh boy, he knows? Who told him? Ah crap, I am in for it now.

I open my mouth and close it.

I stare up at the ceiling and don't say a word. Maybe he'll fall asleep.

"Jack? Don't hide now. I need to know. I need to know if you're in love my daughter?"

God, this is not the way this was supposed to go down. We were supposed to go to the cabin talk and plan what was going to happen.

She would have the honor of telling her father that we were a couple while I was away on a planet millions of light years away.

"I'm waiting, Jack."

I need to lay my cards on the table. I respect Jacob just as much as General Hammond and he is very important to Sam.

But maybe I can still distract him.

"I'm here, Jacob. I'm sorry for not thanking you for saving my life. But, isn't there something you could do for her?"

He closes his eyes and I can tell this is hurting him.

"I'm sorry, Jack, the best we could do is to get her to the Tok'ra base where she would receive a new symbiote. I know how difficult it would be for her to go through that. I wouldn't do it, even though I'm a host myself, because I know the after effects she had with Jolinar. But that isn't the question I asked, Jack. I know this is something you're not comfortable with, but I know what I see and I remember myself and how I acted around Sam's mother. I know she's so easy to love and I only want her to be happy. So, Jack, do you love my daughter?"

He isn't going to let this drop.

"Jacob, this is something I don't think we should talk about. Ah hell, I haven't even got to talk to your daughter about it. She might have changed her mind. She might have just strung me along, no that didn't sound right. Oh god, can I just go back to sleep?"

Jacob chuckles.

"I understand, Jack. I wont pry, but know this. I think you are unique person and I admire you for what you have accomplished. You are not the bastard you think you are. You are a battered soul that thinks he deserves less. You're a protector, one that puts his life on the line for others. You value their lives more than you value your own. In reality, Jack, you need her to protect you and I know for damn sure she would not let anything happen to you. That is a quality I admire about you and that she has learned from you. You two complement each other and she would be lucky to have you in her life."

I look at Sam and back to Jacob.

"No, Jacob, I am the lucky one, she is my reason for living. I feel at peace with her. She is my soul and when I saw her die, I died with her. I was going to kill the bastard and die on the ship. I had no reason to return. I gave up. I'll tell you this. I care deeply for her. I promised myself on that planet that if I got her home I would give this all up. I would retire and would beg her to marry me. I don't want anymore time to pass. We've wasted too much of it fighting this. So yes, Jacob, I do love your daughter. I am going to ask her to marry me and I'm now asking if that would be okay with you."

I wait. I have opened my heart to him and finally admitted what I had wanted to for so long.

He gets up, comes to my bed, takes my arm and then my hand.

"Jack, the three things that are the most difficult to say are; I'm sorry, Help me and I love you. You've said them all to me and you are no less a man for it. I would be proud to call you son Jack. You are older, but I think Sammy needs that stability in her life. You make her happy, I see that, as does everyone else. You have never caused me to question your intentions before, because I knew you would rather die then ruin Sam's career. I will talk to George and anyone else that needs to listen. I don't think they want to lose two of their premier officers. Let me worry about that, you worry about getting her to wake up. Doctor Fraiser is right. She needs to know you are here and waiting for her."

I cover his hand with mine.

" I respect you, Jacob, and I would never harm her. I would rather die than have any harm come to her. I'll never leave her, she'll be stuck with me for all eternity. I'll be there to love and support her. On this you have my word."

"I have no doubt and if you ever do screw up, you'll have half the galaxy and all of the SGC on your ass. I wouldn't even have anything left to kick."

I snort and smile. We understand one another. I have my angel's father's approval.

"Get some rest, you looked wiped out. We'll try later to heal the rest of your wounds. Get some shut eye, son."

He looks at me and says no more.

I turn to look at her, smile and whisper. "Soon."

I sleep, but in my dreams are the memories of what had happened. I start to thrash and moan out loud. She is in danger and I can't save her.

"Shhh, Colonel Jack, it's okay, I'm here. It's not real, you're safe."

I hear her voice. I grab her hand and she gasps. I open my eyes and she has her chin to her chest. She is shaking and trying to pry her hand from mine.

"I'm sorry, you were calling out Major Sam's name and moving. I'm sorry to have disturbed you, if you let me go, I won't bother you again."

My heart breaks. She thinks I am angry with her. I pick up her chin and she has her eyes closed, but that doesn't stop the stream of tears that are falling down her face.

"Karina, can you ever forgive me for scaring you? I am the one that's sorry, after you went through all that trouble to bring me jell-o. No sweetheart, I deserve to be hurt, I don't deserve you to care for me. Please forgive me, I was lashing out at the wrong person."

She opens her eyes and shakes her head.

"No, Colonel Jack, it's my fault. I only wanted to get Major Sam better and was only thinking of myself when I insisted you wake up. If you don't want to kiss her, that's okay but, I have to wake her somehow. I have to thank her for saving my daddy."

What? Kiss her?

"You want me to kiss Major Sam? Why, Karina?"

She looks down again and whispers, "It was a stupid story. I should have known better. A kiss won't make things better. But I kissed you and you woke up. But when I kissed her she didn't move. Colonel Jack, does it only work one time?"

Everything is falling into place.

"Karina, look at me."

She looks up and I wipe the tears from her face. I pull her to my chest and she starts to cry, telling me about the story of the princess that was asleep and how the prince kissed her and woke her up and they lived happily ever after.

"I wanted you to kiss Major Sam, Colonel Jack. You're her prince and the longer she sleeps, the harder it's going to be to wake her up. I heard Doctor Janet and Doctor Daniel talking and it made them both very sad. They say she doesn't want to wake up. I know it's because of you, she thinks your still asleep and is waiting for you to come and wake her. Will you kiss her?"

"I'll do my best, Karina, as soon as I'm able I'll give her that kiss. But in the meantime do you mind holding my hand? That's usually Major Sam's job, but she's can't, so can you do that?"

She sits up and smiles. Takes my hand and tucks it under her chin. She leans back and asks me if I want to hear the story of the prince and the sleeping princess.

I whisper yes and she starts to weave her tale. I start to doze off and imagine my princess asleep and me waking her with a kiss.

In a child's mind anything is possible.