Chapter 3
The children were woken by a sharp knock at the door, and Ernest (or Frank or Dewey) came in.
"I brought you some tea to fortify you for the trial," said the manager. "Sorry there's no sugar."
"Thank you," said Klaus. He might have added that tea should be as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edged sword, but he was in no mood for coded banter with the unfathomable hotel manager.
"And here are your blindfolds," said Frank (or maybe Dewey or Ernest).
"Blindfolds?" asked Sunny.
"Everyone except the judges must wear blindfolds at a High Court trial," the manager said. "I'm sure you've heard the saying 'Justice is blind'."
"I thought that meant the law was impartial," said Klaus.
"The High Court ruled it must be taken literally," said Dewey (or Frank, or Ernest).
"Scalia," said Sunny, which meant "The literal interpretation makes no sense."
Klaus sighed. This was going to make his plans much more difficult. He wound the blindfold over his glasses in such a way that he could get a very blurry peek out of the corner of his eye. Sunny had no glasses, so she had to blindfold herself completely.
There is a saying that "If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a ditch." Fortunately there were no ditches in the room, but people did plenty of falling over each other. Somehow Klaus and Sunny managed to make their way through the blindfolded crowd and sit on the bench where Justice Strauss directed them.
A moment later, someone nearly sat on them. "Pardon me, we're sitting here," said Klaus.
"Pardon me, we're sitting here," came the high-pitched mocking reply.
"Vice Principal Nero? What are you doing here?" asked Klaus.
"What are you doing here?" said the odious man. "I am falsely accused of bank robbery. The High Court tries as many cases as they can at once to save time. But what a disgrace that I, a musical genius, should be placed alongside orphans."
"I feel likewise," said a familiar raspy voice from the far end of the bench. Count Olaf!
"Order in the court," called Justice Strauss. "The trial is about to begin. Take your seats, but no peeking, or you'll be guilty of contempt of court."
The rest of the crowd jostled their way to their seats.
"Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else who happens to be here," said Justice Strauss. "It has come to the attention of the High Court that a great deal of wickedness has been going on. We were going to hold a trial on Thursday, but because of the terrible murder of Violet Baudelaire we are proceeding at once. We will determine who are the guilty parties and turn them over to the authorities, who are guarding the doors outside so that no-one will escape."
"Speaking of guilty parties, I will be hosting a cocktail party when the trial is over," said Count Olaf. "Wealthy women are welcome."
"I'm hosting it," snarled Esmé Squalor. "And..."
"And I will be performing a violin recital at the party," said Vice Principal Nero, cutting off Esmé. "Music critics are especially welcome."
"Order in the court," demanded Justice Strauss, banging her gavel. "We are here for social justice, not socializing. Now, will the accused parties please stand up and state your name and occupation? We'll start with you, Count Olaf. Name?"
"Count Olaf."
"Occupation?"
"Impresario."
"Are you innocent or guilty?"
"Unspeakably innocent." Murmurs spread through the crowd.
"You may be seated. Vice Principal Nero, you are next. Name?"
"Caesar Nero."
"Occupation?"
"Violinist."
"Aren't you the vice-principal of a boarding school?"
"Only until my genius is recognized, as it will be at the cocktail party today."
"The record will show your current occupation," said Justice Strauss sternly. "Are you guilty or innocent?"
"I am beyond innocent," said Nero. Another murmur rippled through the crowd.
"Now for the Baudelaires. Please state your names."
"Klaus Baudelaire."
"Sunny Baudelaire."
"Occupations?"
"Nemesis," said Klaus, using a word which here means "a person dedicated to bringing justice to an evil enemy."
Count Olaf gave a little "Ha!" at hearing this.
"Child," said Sunny.
"I object," said Count Olaf. "Their proper occupation is orphan, or inheritor of an enormous fortune."
"Your objection is noted," said Strauss. "Now children, are you guilty or innocent?"
"Innocent!" Klaus declared loudly. He was in no mood for subtle moral distinctions when he had been sitting on the same bench as the man who had murdered his sister.
"I can see the headlines now," said Geraldine Julienne, "'EVERYONE IS INNOCENT!'. Wait till the readers of The Daily Punctillio see that!"
"Everyone is guilty until proven innocent," said Justice Strauss, banging her gavel. "Now, will all who have evidence to submit approach the bench?"
There was a terrible clamor as everyone tried to approach the bench at once. Everything from commonplace books, carnival posters, ruby-encrusted blank pages, photographs, magazine articles, cookies, and somebody's mother were submitted.
"I submit these financial records," said Mr. Poe. "And this loot we recovered from the bank robber." He had left the hotel last night before the trouble started but now he was back to testify.
"I submit this comprehensive book on injustice!" said Jerome Squalor, to applause and hisses from the crowd.
"Before we review this evidence," said Justice Strauss, "The High Court will ask each of the accused to make a statement. Take as long as you want, and leave nothing out. Count Olaf."
"Ladies and gentlemen." said Count Olaf. "I am totally, preposterously innocent, I-N-A-S-E-N-T."
"That's not how you spell 'innocent'," said Justice Strauss.
"Spelling doesn't count," said Olaf. "And that's all I have to say."
Klaus smiled to himself. Olaf couldn't spell; that was useful to know...
"Vice-Principal Nero? You are next," Strauss said.
The Vice-Principal began a long, rambling speech about being a misunderstood musical genius. Justice Strauss seemed to be listening attentively, saying "hmmm" once or twice in a way that might have been a safe answer or showing sympathy.
Klaus watched from the corner of his eye the blurry place where he knew Count Olaf was sitting. Suddenly the blur moved, and Klaus realized that Olaf had left the bench. Just then, Justice Strauss uttered another very strange 'hmmm' that reminded Sunny of the time she had been locked in a cage by Olaf, with her mouth taped shut.
Without saying a word, the orphans both knew they had to peek, contempt of court or not. It was a shocking peek they got when they pulled off their blindfolds.
Count Olaf was carrying Justice Strauss under the crook of one arm. With one hand he held a piece of duct tape over her mouth, and with the other he was pressing the elevator button. Leaning against the wall nearby was the harpoon gun.
Even worse, when they looked back at the concierge table piled with evidence, they saw that the two remaining justices were none other than the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard, the worst villains they had ever been unfortunate enough to meet.
"The Baudelaires have taken off their blindfolds!" shouted the woman with hair and no beard in her deep, deep voice.
"They are guilty of contempt of court!" said the man with a beard and no hair, in his hoarse voice that sounded as if he had been screaming.
"This court is contemptible," said Klaus. "Two of the justices are notorious villains, and they are letting Count Olaf kidnap the third!"
"Hmmm!" agreed Justice Strauss.
"The Baudelaires are lying," said the woman with hair and no beard. "Justice Strauss is just enjoying a piece of toffee."
"Volunteers, take off your blindfolds!" Klaus cried.
"Peek!" said Sunny.
"No, they are tricking you into contempt of court!" said the man with a beard and no hair.
There was a hubbub (a word which here means "a lot of confused blindfolded people arguing").
"Sunny, you do Plan B and I'll do Plan A," Klaus whispered, using the private code they had agreed on which meant, "I'll go to the laundry room to stop Olaf getting the sugar bowl while you go up to the roof and get rid of the Medusoid Mycelium helmet."
"Preludio," Sunny whispered back, using a private code based on their past experience which meant, "If Olaf heads up to the roof in the elevator, delay him by pressing all the buttons."
With that, the two Baudelaires set off quickly and stealthfully for the elevators, dodging all the blindfolded people who tried to stop them.