Disclaimer: I don't own RK or any of the characters - but they would make a really great christmas present!
Ok guys, here's the fifth chapter - please R&R!
Kenshin:
I can't put into words how much I loathe myself right now. Laundry used to be so comforting to me, but even it seems to be failing me at the moment. Nothing can console me, not right now. I know that for you, for your recovery I need to let go of this anger toward myself, but at this moment you are not near me and so I indulge in my hatred of myself. I simply can't describe what this is doing to me, how it's twisting my very fragile serenity and throwing it upon the rocks to watch it shatter like so many pieces of glass. You were my serenity, Kaoru, the only serenity I could ever hope to entertain. Now it seems that I have taken yours, so I can't pretend that I don't deserve the loss of mine. I don't care really, because how could I ever be content or serene knowing that you weren't?
"Kenshin?"
The sound of my name catches me by surprise. I glance away from the laundry and find Sano, staring down at me from where he stands on the porch. His forehead is furrowed in what seems to be a look of deep thought and worry. Have we all come to look like that in the last day or two? Perhaps we have; I don't think any of us ever realized just how much of our happiness and peace revolved around you. Your fights with Yahiko, your constant bickering with Sano - it kept us young, I suppose, made us laugh when we thought we couldn't. I'm not sure we can do the same for you, however, I don't think this can be laughed away. Even if it could, I don't think that any one of us would be able to laugh.
"Yes, Sano?"
"Megumi is asking for you."
I guess it didn't really surprise me when the fox doctor decided to remain here. You are in pretty bad shape, and althought you two haven't always gotten a long she still worries after you. It always seemed to me that she had come to think of you as a little sister - so why should it be unusual for her to want to stay for you?
I drop the laundry back into the soapy water and wipe my hands off on my gi. The urge to scream seems to be intensifying within my chest, and an anger that I haven't felt in years is threatening to overwhelm me. Are you this angry, kaoru? Are you this angry with me? I wouldn't blame you if you were - I actually somewhat hope you are. You have a right to be.
Megumi is waiting for me in the kitchen, slowly sipping a cup of tea.
"Yes, Megumi - dono?"
"Ah, Ken -san. I would very much like to have a word with you. It's about Kaoru."
Of course it is. Did you think I thought it was about anyone else?
"I'm worried for her health," Megumi begins
"But I thought you said ... "
"Oh, her arm will be fine. It's HER I'm worried about. I don't know how she is going to suffer from this, Ken - san, I can't judge the effect it's going to have on the rest of her life. I was just hoping that maybe you would be able to help me ... understand, so to speak, so that I may be able to help her through the psychlogical affects of this as well."
The battousai within wants to snarl a mean response at her, but isn't that how we got into this situation in the first place? I let battousai out of check for one single moment and look what happens - he destroys everything that I believe in, everything that is sacred. He's good at that. The part that scares me, however, is the fact that no matter how I hate that side of myself, I am going to need his help to get you through this, Kaoru.
"There is no way," I answer, "That you can simply help someone else understand death at your own hands. It is not a lesson that can be taught, but one that has to be learned. I know that sounds confusing, but it really does make sense. So, really, Megumi - dono, the only one that can help Kaoru through this ..."
"... Is you," Megumi finishes for me, "I kind of thought that that was how it was going to be, but you can't blame me for trying."
I say nothing, merely nod my head in agreement. If I were to be honest with myself I would have to admit the fact that I am terrified - I'm not sure I can help you, Kaoru, I'm not sure I have the strength. I, myself, am still so consumed with the anger that is a repercussion of the deaths at my hands that I am at a loss on how to help you rise above yours. What if I fail? How can I help you find the peace you once had when I still can't find my own? It doesn't matter - I will not fail, not because I am strong but because I have to. That's all there is to it - I can't let you down.
"I am going to visit her," I announce
"She was sleeping when I was last in there - be quiet."
I say nothing but mentally take note of the information. The last thing I wanna do is wake you up - I know how precious sleep can be. I pad slowly down the hall, masking the sound of my footsteps. I come to a halt in front of my bedroom door, gathering the courage to go in. Before I can slide open the door I hear the soft sound of crying filtering through the thin rice paper. I can just make out the sound of broken words, broken words unmistakenly muttered in your voice.
"I don't wanna feel this anymore," You sob, "I don't wanna be angry! Why did this have to happen to me, why did I decide to fight? I just wanted to protect them, just wanted them all to appreciate me ... "
That angry, guilty beast that was knocking on my door just moments ago has now broken through it and is running rampant across my soul. I don't know how to keep him under control, I don't know how to put him back in his cage and make him be silent.
Maybe I should just turn and walk away, but instead I slide open the door and walk in. You turn red, puffy eyes up to me and I can almost see the anger in your eyes. It doesn't seem to be directed at me, however; it just seems to be lost, just like you.
"Kenshin?"
Your voice is broken and weak, and your tone is coated with utter despair. Is that how you feel inside, Kaoru? Broken and weak and filled with utter despair?
Without a word I merely seat myself next to you and scoop you into my lap. You're too shocked to protest, and I don't blame you. I'm not even sure what I am doing myself - although I've thought about this before I've never actually thought about taking you in my arms and soothing away your pain.
"Ken ..."
"Hush," I interrupt, "Just cry. I'm here, I'll hold you."
You don't say a word, but you don't seem to be crying anymore.
"What ever made you think that we don't appreciate you?" I query aloud, "What did we do to make you think that? Because that's as far from the truth as anything."
Your sudden blow up nearly knocks me over. Your small fists are pounding mercilessly against my chest and you start screaming, tears flowing down your ivory cheeks.
"You don't appreciate me!" You scream, "You never have! Everyone always thought I was weak and that I had to be protected, and I just wanted to prove you all wrong! Now look what I've done - I've taken a man's life with my own hands! How can I ever go back to my life, how can I ever teach again? I'm ruined, Kenshin, and it's all your fault! I hate you!"
I swear I'm not breathing - everything around me has stopped. Nothing exists except you and me; nothing else even matters. I don't make any retort, because you're right. Well, about it being my fault anyway. The rest of it isn't true, but I guess that we never really gave you any reason to think otherwise did we?
You are still curled in my lap, your still balled fists wedged between our bodies. You are crying again, and you make no effort to move. Taking this to mean that you don't want me to leave, I merely wrap my arms around you and start rubbing slow, soothing circles on your back. I don't know what else to do but let you know that I am still here, still determined to help you. Somewhere inside me something is crying as well, and though I would never admit it I think it is the small piece of shinta that I have somehow retained over the years. The scared, lonely little boy that still hides inside me for reasons I will never know is mourning - mourning the loss of innocence in both of us.
"Kenshin?" You say softly, a few moments later
"Yes, Kaoru?" I leave out the dono - it just doesn't seem fitting anymore
"I think I'm starting to understand."
"Understand what, Kaoru?"
"Your soul."
Why do those two words scare the hell out of me?