Disclaimer: Don' own RK, wish I did ...

Here is chapter six. Please R&R and let me know what you think. To everyone that has reviewed so far, thank you and keep them coming! I hope you are enjoying the story.

(A.N. So apparently when I write this and put the little dashes to signal a change or a leap, such as a few hours, it won't put those in when I upload it, so I am sorry if it seems a little choppy after the lunch scene. Maybe I can figure out a way to make it work, I dunno).

Kaoru:

The sun is warm on my face, its warm fingers wrapping around me as if it were a real person trying to comfort me. It feels nice to be outside, the light breeze teasing my hair and tossing it gently over my shoulder. Somewhere in the distance there are birds chirping, and the world continues to turn. Everything seems so different, yet it is exactly the same. What a paradox - the world looks exactly the same and everything goes on as usual, yet I feel so utterly different, so completely seperate from all of it. My very soul itself has changed, and I know it is childish but a part of me had expected a small part of the world to have changed with it.

I move my shoulder just a little, rolling it forward slightly to test it. It is feeling better, not completely but enough for Megumi to want me to exercise it a little every hour or so. She said it would stop hurting completely fairly soon, one small thing that made me feel better. I know they are all trying, but I just don't know how to pull myself out of it, how to make myself feel better again. Believe it or not, the fact that they are all walking on eggshells around me isn't really helping either - so far it has only succeeded in making me feel even more alienated and alone. Yahiko never teases me anymore, and I don't think Sano has called me Jou - chan once. Maybe it sounds stupid, but right now the thing that would help the most is for everyone to just regain some normality. My whole world has spun wildly off its axis and I just wish I had some semblance of my old life to cling to.

Of course, I do realize how selfish of me that is, to expect everyone to just get over it. Hell, I can't get over it, how can I expect them to? Then again, not all of the thoughts I've had in the last few days have been particularly rational. I really meant what I said the other night - I think I really am starting to understand Kenshin and all his pain. Look at the toll one man's life has taken on me; Kenshin has taken the lives of many men. I don't know how he does it. I think the weight of this one man's life on my shoulders is going to break me. How can he carry around all that weight and still find the strength to get up in the morning? He's been doing this for years - I have only grazed the iceberg with him.

"Kenshin, I love you and all, but this isn't what I wanted. This isn't the way I wanted to understand," I whisper to the wind

The only answer I get in return is the kiss of the breeze and the incessant chatter of the birds.

"Kaoru?"

I turn to find Sano standing on the porch, shading his eyes from the bright sunlight.

"Lunch is ready. Come inside and eat."

I merely nod, waiting until he has disappeared inside to make my way toward the house. I just want to hear him call me Jou - chan again, I want the biggest of my worries to be who is going to make fun of my cooking that day. Not all this dancing around Kaoru because she might break. I'm not glass, damn it, I'm not going to shatter whenever I come into contact with something unpleasant or dark. Haven't I proved that yet? I have killed a man and I'm still here aren't I? I haven't tried anything stupid, like trying to take my own life. Does everyone think that I am young and stupid?

The look on my face when I enter the kitchen must be one of stark anger, because no one says anything and merely sits down at the table. Are you all afraid for me, is that it? Or, rather, are you afraid of me? What an absurd thought, all of you frightened of little me. I'm ... well, I guess I can't say that anymore. I was going to say that I am harmless, but I guess the dead man with a bokken sticking out of his gut would disagree, wouldn't he? Damn technicalities!

Then, without warning and all of a sudden, laughter bubbles out from my throat and fills the entire room. What a morbid thought that was, damn technicalities! Have I lost my mind? That was in no way funny, but I simply can't restrain the laughter from pouring forth. It feels wonderful, like all the clouds around my head have temporarily pulled away to reveal the first hint of sunlight in an angry storm.

I'm aware that you are staring at me as if I have just sprouted three heads, but I can't push aside the laughter long enough to explain. Megumi looks worried, and if I didn't know any better Yahiko looks absolutely terrified. I'm sure he thinks I have lost whatever mind I have left, and maybe I have.

Finally regaining a little of my breath, I haltingly explain to them what it is that has sent me into gales of laughter. For just a second no one knows what to say, but then the silence is pierced with the hysterical laughter of Yahiko. Tears are squeezing out of the corners of his eyes and he is holding his sides in pain, but he too sees the insanely morbid humor of it all. I have no idea what possessed me to think such a thing, but for just a moment I felt like myself again.

We finally start to calm down, and I find myself wondering if they all think that I have cracked up. Or perhaps they all think that I have no heart to laugh at something like that. I don't really want them to think that I am heartless, but I simply cannot explain what it was that was so funny. Maybe all the stress and fear and anger finally built up to the breaking point and had to find some sort of release - maybe my body simply couldn't take the weight of it all anymore.

I am about to explain myself when Kenshin holds up a hand and gives me a small smile, the first I have seen on his face since this whole ordeal started.

"You don't have to explain," You say to me, "I understand. I did the same thing. You're not crazy."

That really does make me feel better. I don't want you to think that I have cracked or that I have no heart, because neither is true.

Most of the meal passes in silence, and despite my sudden laughing fit a few moments ago I am already depressed once again. For just a moment I could delude myself into thinking that everything was okay, that I was myself again and life was right. A small sigh escapes my lips before I can stop it, but I don't think I would have wanted to anyway.

"Kaoru?" Yahiko asks of me tentatively

"I'm just tired," I answer

"Why don't you go lay down, we can ..." Sano starts

"No, Sano," I interrupt, "Not like that. I'm tired of everyone treating me like a porcelain figurine, walking on eggshells whenever I'm around. I'm not glass, I won't break. I killed a man and I'm still here aren't I? I'm stronger than any of you think, and I'm sick of being treated like I have some sort of disease. Everyone dances around the one thing that everyone is thinking about - what happens now? How will Kaoru deal? I don't have the answers to either of those questions, but having everyone treat me like I'm different isn't helping. My whole world has just been turned upside down; I just want something familiar to cling to."

I fall quiet then. I didn't know I was going to say anything until I had already started to talk, and in all honesty it felt good to let all of that out.

A hand reaches out and ruffles my hair and I glance up to see Sano giving me an encouraging smile.

"You're right, Jou - chan. You're still the girl we've always known, and I'm sorry for making you feel bad."

"I'm sorry too, busu," Yahiko adds

I smile slightly. I guess maybe it was a good thing I said something.

So a few hours later I'm standing in the middle of the room wondering why exactly it is that I'm still sleeping in your room, Kenshin. I am perfectly capable of staying in my own room, so why aren't I? There's an easy answer to that: I feel safer here in your room, knowing that you are near me every night. I'm sure that you would follow me even if I did choose to go back to my own room, but I feel like I don't belong there anymore. I know that it is just a room, but I feel to ... dirty to sleep in there. Your room just feels safe, safe from all the innocence that seems to enshroud my room. I don't mean that as a slight to you, either.

Behind me, the door slides open and I know that you have turned in for the night. It's dark out and it must be late, so I have no idea why I am still awake.

"It's late," You say simply, moving to your spot

Ever since I took your futon you have taken to sleeping against the wall, one knee pulled up to your chest and your katana resting against your shoulder. It looks very uncomfortable.

"Kenshin? I'm sorry about the other night, yelling at you like that. I didn't mean what I said."

"Yes, you did. That's how you felt, maybe how you feel even now. I'm just sorry that we ever gave you a reason to feel that way."

You are about to settle yourself against the wall. A foreign thought crosses my mind, a thought that under normal circumstances I would hastily shove into the back of my mind. But then, these aren't normal circumstances are they?

"Kenshin?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you ... would you share your futon with me tonight?"

Very slowly you turn to face me. Your eyes are narrowed, as if you are not quite sure what to think of my request. I don't blame you, really; like I said, if these were normal circumstances I would never ask such a thing, but I have an overwhelming urge not to be alone. I want you there, next to me.

You are going to say no. I can see it in your eyes, in the hesitation written all over your face. It was wrong of me to ask. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut. I turn away, trying to hide the embarrasment and disappointment I know is showing on my face. I pull out my hairband and feel my ebony hair come cascading down around me, hoping that it will hide my face.

I'm about to lay down when I feel your strong arms go around my neck, pulling me back into your chest. For just a moment I feel that fear again, that fear when I was facing that man, but then I remind myself that this is you, Kenshin, and that you would never hurt me. We stay that way for several seconds, your warm breath brushing lightly against my ear.

"Are you sure?" You ask quietly

"Yes," I answer confidently

My heart is beating wildly as you let go of me and set your katana aside. I turn to face you once more, almost a little frightened of what I will find. Your face shows nothing but calm, but your eyes have a slight amber tint to them. I try not to let my eyes bug out of my head as you take off your gi - I never knew you slept without a shirt on, Kenshin. I lower my head, not wanting you to think that I am staring.

You place a finger under my chin and urge me to raise my head. When I do you give me a light kiss on the forehead, an act that surprises and amazes me. You have never been this open before, Kenshin, never been so ... willing to show emotion. How do I react?

You motioned for me to lay down. I felt you seconds later when you joined me, and I closed my eyes against the thought. You and I, sharing a futon. Shoot me - I just did not want to spend another night alone, accosted by nightmares.

One of your strong arms reaches out and encircles my waist, and you pull me back into your chest again. You are pleasantly warm, and I try hard not to think about the fact that you don't have a shirt on. This is so comfortable ...

I think I am dreaming, but the last words I hear as I drift off into sleep are whispered in your quiet voice, whispered so softly that I almost don't hear them.

"Rest, my love."